I just want someone to hear my story, and maybe give me input.

[dearestpie]

I had always been the girl who wouldn't date in high school. I thought it was silly to date someone, when you know you are going break up when you have to go to different colleges or some other stupid reason. I was also very cautious, and had trouble trusting people, I had a couple times when I almost kissed someone, but I was always too scared.

 

Then I went off to college, I didn't expect to find love there either. I didn't really like the college I was at, and I had always planned to move to London anyways, and I figured I would find my perfect British man there. But the first day of orientation I met him.

 

We messaged back and forth on facebook everyday, and when time came for us to move in to our dorms, we started hanging out every day too. He liked me, but I was scared, so we were just really good friends for a couple months, until one night in the back of his car we kissed, and the rest they say is history.

 

We were crazy in love. We fell head over heels, and it was the first relationship for both of us. Problem. We spent every second together, I basically lived in his dorm, and we never had any time apart. Before I met him, I was the kind of girl who needed her space, but I was intoxicated with the relationship, I couldn't stand being apart from him. In the beginning he couldn't either, but looking back now, I could see he slowly started needing his space. The problem was, he never told me, but sometimes when he would try to, I would just get so upset he would apologize. Other than that though, we never fought. We were perfect, or so I thought.

 

One day after we had been dating for about six and a half months (but it was really more like years because of all the time we spent together), I became upset because he left for our hometown without me (only 45 minutes away) and I was going to be stuck by myself all weekend. I never spent any time with other people but him, so I was going to be all alone, and that made me sad. Then he broke up with me, saying he felt like the relationship was all about me, and he couldn't do it anymore, he still loved me, but our relationship wasn't healthy.

 

So after a week of not talking to him, we met up. I told him I knew our relationship was unhealthy, but I just wanted to give it a chance to be better. I asked him if he thought we would ever get back together, and he said he didn't think so, and plus he didn't want me to have to wait for him. This produced a lot of crying from me (bad I know) and after a couple hours of repetitive conversations, he got up to leave. I couldn't just let my best friend leave and never talk to him again, so I told him to stop, and just talked to him like we were friends. He agreed that he was still my best friend, and wanted to stay that way.

 

That lasted for about five days. This was my fault, and I know I shouldn't have even tried it, I wasn't ready. We were seeing each other everyday, but we would both become upset every time we did. It was obvious he was still in love with me, and I with him. Then one day we almost hooked up, but decided it would be best if we didnt. The next day when I saw him he was cold and distant, and while we usually talked for around an hour or so on the phone, this time it was only a quick 15 minutes. He said "I'll call you tomorrow" and I haven't heard from him since.

 

That was a month ago. I emailed him a week later, simply to give him a link to a tv show we both liked, not asking for any contact in return. I didn't get any. The next day, I texted him asking if he wanted to study for our Philosophy class together, considering we had a final the next day and we had already been planning to. No reply. The last time I contacted him was two days later when I moved home for the summer. I tried to call him but he didn't answer, so I just left a message saying "Hey, I'm home for the summer, I'd really like to hang out sometime, so just let me know!" I been in no contact with him ever since. That is 25 days, a pretty impressive time to not talk to someone you used to spend every second with.

 

 

I've taken this time to reflect on our issues and I feel like I understand them, especially using the myers briggs personality type indicators. I am an INFP and I "have a problem with reconciling their highly idealistic and romantic views of life with the reality of their own lives, and so they are constantly somewhat unsettled with themselves and with their close personal relationships." I know sometimes this would show through and he would be hurt by it. Also I take things way too personally causing me to "use guilt manipulation to get their mates to give them the positive support that they crave." I definitely did that on multiple occasions. This has also especially become a big problem in our breakup, because one of the things he said to me was that "he didn't want to cave to my emotions because he is a nice guy anymore." But I understand and am working on these things now.

 

Conversely, I know when a relationship fails, it is never just one person's fault. He did things wrong too. He is an INTP, and they tend to “blow off” conflict situations by ignoring them, or else they “blow up” in heated anger. He never truly gave me any real reason to believe he was unhappy enough to break up with me. Also, in my opinion he is currently being a coward, by just leaving me hanging without coming out and saying he needs NC, by breaking up with me over Skype (did I mention that?), and by not giving our relationship the chance it deserves.

 

Wow, I did not mean to write a novel here, I doubt anyone will read this now, I'm just venting I suppose, but I think the question on my mind is the question on everyone's on this forum branch: do we have a chance of getting back together? I'm still in love with him, and at least 25 days ago he was still in love with me. I'm also kind of wondering if this is just the fault of the "six month hump." That is about how long we had been dating, and that is the point when you realize your partner isn't perfect right? What if he got scared because he is realizing I'm not perfect, will he come back?

 

I understand what I did wrong and am working on changing those things to better myself. I accept the things he did wrong and believe he can change them for the better too. Do you think he will ever feel the same?

[GettinMeBack]

Hello sorry that you are goin through this but the 6 month hump is difficult and you start seeing the person's faults and all. If you keep tryin to contact him and doesnt reply leave it alone because that hurts you more when you try to reach out and they dont care to respond back. I dont know this guy as well as you do so its hard to say what he's goin to do but when ppl give you out the blue reasons for breaking up with you they sometimes think about it and try to come around to make things "cool" again. /the best thing you can do for you is to stop contacting him it will show you are tryin to get yourself together and move on with your life, like they say if the person really cares at some point they will try to contact you and you just have to make sure you are strong and can handke the situation with rational thoughts and not be emotional. I'm goin through a break up as well wit NC its good some days and bad others. You just have to be tough and strong and see how it goes but do the process for you not for him. Hope this helps!!

[dearestpie]

Thank you, I have not been contacting him, and I am going to wait for him to contact me from now on, when he is ready. I just worry that he has dug himself into a hole with the "caving to my emotions" comment. I'm worried he may want me back, but is worried that if he does he will just be caving to my emotions again.

Edited May 27, 2011 by dearestpie

[something_to_ponder]

Hey! Keep your chin up!

 

It's hard to tell what your ex is thinking to be honest, but judging by what little he has given you to go on I wouldn't try and go too deep into questioning his mind or what has led to these circumstances.

 

What you had, the intense relationship, is very common. Especially as you had been together for 6 months. It's your first love, and the beginning of a meaningful relationship like that is extremely powerful and changes your life.

 

I wish I could give you an insight into his mindset or tell you what is going to happen. But how can you explain the inexplicable? You seem like a decent and caring person, don't let this affect you too much. The ball is very much in his court, and if he decides to ignore you indefinitely then you have to just move on.

 

For what it's worth, having read your post there is nothing to analyse in your behaviour especially. You fell hard for this person and it's only natural that you wanted to spend every minute with him. That's what happens when you fall in love so don't beat yourself up about it, and if it isn't meant to be try not to let it affect your future relationships. Just do what feels natural.

[dearestpie]

Thank you for replying, I know that if he doesn't ever speak to me again, he's not the person I thought I knew anyways. I'm hoping I will at least get a happy birthday wish next week, but I will understand if he doesn't. I'm not ready to let go yet, so for now I am just giving him space. I know he will eventually have to contact me, because I have some of his beloved childhood books and he has to talk to me to get them back.

 

If he can't be a man enough to realize that I'm not perfect and neither is he, but when you are in a relationship you have to accept the other person for their flaws, and love each other despite them, then he's not worth it anyways. But for now, I understand that he is young (and so am I) and he might need time to come to that realization, so I am giving him that, and trying to work on myself in the process.

[dearestpie]

Hello, feeling very down today, and I honestly just need some hope, even if it's false.

 

I need someone to tell me with time and patience we can have a shot at something new again, because we are both so young and have room to mature and grow.

 

I need someone to tell me something that will make me feel like getting out of bed.

[cashmeredreams]

Hello there.

 

It was your first love and I can completely understand why you fell head over heels. However, seeing that he was your first love, there is a strong possibility that someone else will come along that you will like just as much in the future. I know right now it seems like he is the only man in the world for you, but there *are* other guys out there.

 

Right now, though, you should be concentrating on yourself. You should be working on your issues with co-dependency. When you're in a relationship, you have to be mindful of keeping your own interests alive and maintaining friendships outside of the realm of just you two. I can understand why you always wanted to be near him (after all, he was your first love) but I can also understand why he felt so suffocated.

 

Use this experience as a beautiful lesson. If he should come back, hopefully by then you will understand the need to be your own person even when in a relationship. And even if he doesn't come back, you will have learned a very important lesson in life: until you are completely comfortable in your own skin, you won't be the best partner you can be. It's a lesson I had to learn for myself as well.

 

So chin up, DearestPie. We're all rooting for you! If you want some GREAT insight on this, I can recommend "The Passion Paradox" by Dr. Dean Delis. For me, it was a lifesaver.

[dearestpie]

Hello there.

 

It was your first love and I can completely understand why you fell head over heels. However, seeing that he was your first love, there is a strong possibility that someone else will come along that you will like just as much in the future. I know right now it seems like he is the only man in the world for you, but there *are* other guys out there.

 

Right now, though, you should be concentrating on yourself. You should be working on your issues with co-dependency. When you're in a relationship, you have to be mindful of keeping your own interests alive and maintaining friendships outside of the realm of just you two. I can understand why you always wanted to be near him (after all, he was your first love) but I can also understand why he felt so suffocated.

 

Use this experience as a beautiful lesson. If he should come back, hopefully by then you will understand the need to be your own person even when in a relationship. And even if he doesn't come back, you will have learned a very important lesson in life: until you are completely comfortable in your own skin, you won't be the best partner you can be. It's a lesson I had to learn for myself as well.

 

So chin up, DearestPie. We're all rooting for you! If you want some GREAT insight on this, I can recommend "The Passion Paradox" by Dr. Dean Delis. For me, it was a lifesaver.

 

Thank you for the reply. I knew all of that going in, but that was the first time I ever experienced those feelings and so I just threw everything to the wind haha.

 

It is sad because it feels to me the reason for our breakup is very circumstantial, as in if we had met at a different time things would have been better.

 

I am working on my co-dependency now, I've never been able to drive because I have been afraid of it, but I realize now that it is necessary for independence so I have been working towards getting my licence.

 

It's true though what you say, whether we try again or not, I will have learned from this experience and be better because of it.

 

Today is a good day for me though, I might be wallowing again tomorrow haha.

[dearestpie]

"I said that i feel that doing this over skype was really, really ****ty of me. But i need to do this (i feel it's better for both of us). I know that i'm not going to be what you what me to be, no matter how hard i try. I know this sounds lame and that i'm not trying hard enough, but i've been dealing with it for a while now, and i was too afraid of hurting you to do it in person- and for that i am very, very sorry. I feel like no matter how much i try to explain my feelings to you, you take them as a personal attack, and then my feelings don't get addressed. You've said you're sorry so many times that i want to believe you, but nothing is ever done to change anything, even if i know that you are truly sorry. I love you, and will always care about you, but our relationship has become unhealthy for me. I'm feel so bad for doing it this way, but it's the only way i feel i could have. You must hate me on some level, and i would agree with you that this wasn't a good way to handle it. I'm sorry but i don't know if i can reconcile."

 

After he broke up with me on skype that was the email he sent me, because I emailed him saying I couldn't hear half of what he was saying anyways. I was re-reading it today and I realize now that even though I thought his breakup was a rash decision, it appears from this email that he had been thinking about it for a while. It feels like I'm being broken up with all over again, and I just don't know if I can get out of bed. Someone please make me feel better, or give me harsh reality, or something....anything.