lonelyheart99 Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 Greetings all, Something happened this past weekend, and I'm hoping to you an help me work through it. I've been divorced for the past three years. My ex wife and I have three children. We were married young (both of us were 20), and many things happened in our collective lives that caused much dissension, mistrust and hurt between the two of us. Our arguments toward the end of our marriage were extremely volatile, and I ended up moving out so our children would not have to experience their parents' constant, potentially violent arguments. The divorce was final almost a year later. During this time, I have become engaged to another woman. We have one child, and are planning to get married next June. Our lives have not been a bed of roses, but we've manage to create a loving environment for our daughter. Both my fiancé and I are currently in school to finish colllege, and have plans to relocate in the next few years. This past weekend, I traveled to Washington D.C. for my grandfathers funeral. My ex wife came alone because -obviously- she knew my grandfather and wanted to bring our kids to meet members of my family who had never seen him. My fiancé came with me - again for obvious reasons. Needless to say, this was an awkward experience for me, but the three of us have learned to get along for the sake of the children. The weekend went surprisingly well, and I was very happy how all of us coexisted harmoniously. Toward the end end of trip as we prepare to return home, my ex spontaneously asked me to come back home to be with her and the children. Needless to say, this took me completely by surprise. I didn't know what to think or feel. Initially, I thought we might be joking. But when I dropped by her house later that afternoon to bring bsck my son who had been traveling with me, she brought it up again, and said she was serious about me us getting back together. This has been weighing heavily on my mind for the past few days. I have so many questions I hardly know where to begin. Why did she wait until I was engaged to someone else to bring this up? Is she truly sincere? Is she doing this merely to keep me from marrying someone else? I'm still tying to work through all the emotions. I have not told my fiancé as yet, and have no intention to do so until I have made a final decision; which brings up another important point. My fiancé is a wonderful woman. She has treated my three children with my ex as if they were her own. She is an excellent mother to our daughter, and has loved me unconditionally. The last thing I want to do is reward her kindness and love with the pain of ending an engagement and a relationship (not to mention the money we've spent on a venue for the wedding, etc.). My main concern is that I will marry my fiancé, and will forever wonder if I made the right decision, or if I should have given my relationship with my ex another chance. I will wonder if we could have worked considering we have both matured and grown a lot in the past four years. I wonder if this second chance has presented itself for reason, or is it merely a distraction? I am conflicted, more so than I have ever been at any other time in my life. I honestly have no clue what I should do. Over the next few weeks, I intend to talk to a few close, trusted friends and family to get their opinion, but I do realize the final decision is mine. I also realize that my decision will ultimately affect more than just me. I would appreciate any thoughts, suggestions, comments you may have. Andrew
Billie The Puppet Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 Either choice you make will lead you down the path of did I make the right choice? Be it go back to first wife or remain with your current Fiance. However, this seems like an awful thing for your ex wife to do, the timing etc and it's a huge lack of respect to approach you at such a time. ( funeral and you are in a relationship) Second chances shouldn't come out of a time on which any party is in another relationship. They are best left when both are single.
Author lonelyheart99 Posted May 28, 2011 Author Posted May 28, 2011 Hi Billie, Thanks for your comments. You do make a good point. The timing was definitely off a great deal. This is definitely something to consider when deciding which course of action to pursue. As I mentioned, I've been questioning my ex-wife's motives ever since she first told me. I definitely have a lot to think about, and I appreciate your perspective Andrew
andrew-bkk Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 The timing was definitely off a great deal. This is definitely something to consider when deciding which course of action to pursue. When you're exactly at the point when you're about to move on, the ex will come back. It's not about love. It's about control; it's about fear. You know what the right decision is. Your ex became history for a reason. Move forward. 1
TaraMaiden Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 What scares me - and would absolutely freak me out, if I was your fiancée - is that you're even giving this possibility any consideration! Your commitment to your fiancée should be 100% rooted in the absolute. The question should have been immediately dismissed from your mind, and you should have told your EX-wife, in no uncertain terms that to reconcile is absolutely, definitely, completely NOT an option. No way. Too late. You have a child with this woman, and to even permit the consideration of casting aside (and that's what it would be!) the woman you have promised to marry, and a child born out of wedlock - is simply gob-smackingly, mind-blowingly unbelievable. Grow up. You were never faced with an option, choice or decision. It's a given. The answer is an emphatic and unequivocal No.
Author lonelyheart99 Posted May 29, 2011 Author Posted May 29, 2011 When you're exactly at the point when you're about to move on, the ex will come back. It's not about love. It's about control; it's about fear. You know what the right decision is. Your ex became history for a reason. Move forward. Ironically, I never even considered the "control" or "fear" idea, although what you've said makes a lot of sense. I guess control and fear can wear the guise of sincerity and truth. Definitely something to think about.
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