caitlincharee Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 I've been dating this guy for going on a year now and I really care about him but there are also some issues with him and his family that I have. My boyfriend is a dairy farmer but he also went to school to fix farm machinery. He absolutely adores me. He's 24 and I'm 20. I'm currently in school with goals of becoming a Speech-Language Pathologist. I want to mention his family first though. His dad has major temper issues to the point of being verbally abusive to both my boyfriend, his siblings (including a cognitively impaired sibling) and his wife. I can't stand to be around any of his family anymore. His sister is a year older than me and is very, very much obese. The obese part doesn't bother me as much and I used to feel bad for her but theres more to the story than that. She went to culinary school and graduated a year ago now. She has yet to find a job and isn't looking. She sits on the couch and watches TV all day. She doesn't shower, doesn't help around the house, and at any moment to be rude to me, she takes it. His mom isn't much better. She allows the house to run like it is. She is a pushover and has always been short with me. My boyfriend is the oldest in his family and I'm his first real girlfriend. My parents believe that I am just a wrench being thrown into the her family plan. His parents are overly controlling and since my boyfriend is trying to buy the farm, funds are tight and he can't afford to move out and rent or buy a place. His parents are also both hoarders. My family is the complete opposite. My parents have both been very successful and they expect nothing less from me. I have always been at the top of my class and I am now striving for a professional job. My boyfriend seems to be different from his family but, I worry about how my future will be if this relationship moves forward like he wants it to. The thought of being tied down scares me. Not tied down like in a relationship but, tied down like having work to do 365 days out of the year. Cows that need to be milked morning and night. I have stated that I could do beef cattle and I think that he could build a clientele with his business and we could do fine but, I don't think he cares. I think he's fine with just having dairy cattle and working every weekend. He said 10 years and he would get rid of the dairy cows but, that's 10 years! I don't want to be able just to get away when we're in our mid-30's. I want to be able to live and enjoy life now too when I'm young. I feel like maybe I'm being selfish or that my thoughts are minimal and I should just get over it. I just want to be happy in my future and I'm worried this is starting to look like a dead end. Is it really true that when you get married you marry your spouses family as well? And would it be true that his family would be more in our life just because of the farm. In which case, I don't even know if I really want the farm. Who wants to be tied down every weekend, especially with a family like his? I feel like I'm leaving out so much but, how do you know when someone is or isn't the right one? I have so much a Type A personality too and he still treats me like a princess. He has his moments but, I know if he could give me the world, he would. He's by far the best boyfriend I've ever had. He's a hard worker, he would never tell a lie, and while he's a pushover also, I think that's partly why I love him so much too. He's so easy going. He gets along with everyone and you can't help but to want to be his friend. I don't know. I mostly just want opinions. While writing this I've managed to talk myself in and out of the relationship both. I just don't know if this is as good as it's going to get and I should be thankful I'm with someone who loves me so much or if there are too many things that will just, eventually, pull us apart.
purpleplanet Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 I think since you're only 20, as long as you are still enjoying him and his company, you should stick with it for a while to see how things unfold. It's only been a year, you still have a lot to learn. Figure out what you want out of a relationship, and what your deal breakers are. Are you really ready to settle down anyway? Will it be a waste of time to date him for another year? At that point you will only be 21, if things still look bleak with his family, then re-evaluate and make a decision. If you decide to stay in this relationship, you have to commit to both him and his circumstances. You need to accept that his family won't change, that he won't change, and that you are in the relationship as-is. If that means giving up your desired quality of life, you need to give that up gracefully and without resentment - there's no other way the relationship will work. If at some point, you discover for sure that you can't let it go, end it. Meanwhile, enjoy dating a nice, considerate sweetie. That's rare.
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