realhurt Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 I'm in a bad spot. My wife of 6 years cheated on me. We have 4 young kids... I don't have a single friend or family member that I can talk to because she has systematically alienated me from everyone since we were 16. Now I am obsessed with knowing the details even though I am constantly catching her in lies. I came to my own conclusion about a month and a half ago that she had cheated and confronted her without enough evidence to prove my case and she lied and explained everything away and I felt like a complete raving lunatic. Nothing was real anymore. Then the other guy, my supposed friend, emailed me and told me that she and he had an affair. He put it really vaguely and also claimed that she had been with at least 3 other guys in some way. Now I need to know the extent of the betrayal in order to make a decision and she hasn't stopped telling me lies. She cries and begs me to stay but I think she just likes being taken care of financially. She has admitted to having sex with him after he emailed me but I could only wrestle out that much from her lying mouth. Now over the course of the last week I've obtained quite a few more details. She claimed at first that she was unconscious (drunk) and that he carried her away to a secluded place to do it. She said she had no memory of it, but I caught her in several lies about the timing of the night and she has now claims that she doesn't remember everything and that she only has one recollection after the blackout. Of course, the events leading up to her blacking out indicate to me that she wanted it... even if she won't admit it. Like I said... I'm obsessed. Not only that, this is the worst pain that I think exists in the world. I just want to leave but I love my kids and know that the military environment is not going to allow me to be near them. What do I do? I'm thinking of permanent pain ending options... but keep telling myself that this is a temporary feeling and that I can't make permanent decisions in this state.
PegNosePete Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 Well if she is still lying then divorce her. If divorce papers landing on her lap don't convince her to tell the truth then nothing will.
bentnotbroken Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 You are right. Do not make a rash permanent decision for a temporary(though very painful state). Please just slow down and breath.
Bryanp Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 If you have $500 then I would suggest that you schedule a polygraph test. Look you know for sure she has sexually cheated on you and put your health at risk for STD's. You know she has no problem lying to your face. In addition, your ex-friend (OM) tells you that she admitted to him that she has screwed at least 3 other men behind your back. If this could be true then you need to do the following: 1. Have her take a polygraph test 2. Have her tested for STD's 3. Have your 4 children tested for paternity. This is the only way you will find the truth. I wish you luck.
Memphis Raines Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 Now I need to know the extent of the betrayal in order to make a decision no, you don't. you know she cheated. the "extent" to which she has is irrelevant. details don't matter and she hasn't stopped telling me lies. She cries and begs me to stay but I think she just likes being taken care of financially. your wife sounds like my X. Alienated me from friends and family, cheated, lied. And I know she liked being married to someone who could provide for her and the kids. So I'd say your latter sentence is spot on. She just wants to stay married to keep her familiar and comfortable lifestyle. She doesn't want to think about the possibility that she may need to get a job. She has admitted to having sex with him after he emailed me then there you go. if you are looking for extents, that is all the extent you need to find an attorney and file for divorce, and get your life back!
Memphis Raines Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 being in the military, surely you can find someone with a polygraph and have them come over and give her the test. but I digress, you have enough information. more info and details won't matter. it will only serve to make you more angry. but hey, on 2nd thought, maybe thats what you need.
jnj express Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 You don't need every little detail, unless you want them so you have nothing left to your imagination All you need to really know is that she went with another man/other men---as in 4 men altogether What else do you need----she basically said "Hey H. you are a POS, as far as I am concerned----I prefer to be with these other guys She was with other men, that's all you need---that all by itself, blows up any mge Why does she all of a sudden want back in the family---is it because she can't make it w/out you bankrolling her---cuz she doesn't wanna face the world as a divorcee Be very careful, this woman has ulterior motives---and any woman that has slept with 4 other men, preferring them to her own H----forget it---kids or no kids---you need to be gone---she will just cheat on you again, and again, and again-------believe it its the truth
dale_gribble Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 The question is- Are you going to be able to live with it? In my case, I think I'm pretty much done with her. I won't be able to get the "mind movie" out of my head. We're pretty much done.
nothingbutblueskies Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 (edited) I know you want the details man, I really do, it's a natural response. I've been in a similar situation as you, granted not nearly on the same scale or with the same stakes. But I do know what it's like to be obsessed over knowing the details of what's gone on. Please consider though, that knowing them will not make you stop hurting and they won't make anything go away. Knowing right now will only make it hurt more and further add to your confusion. If you're thinking of permanent solutions, please find someone to talk to. A real person. This place is a good start and will help you now, but it cannot replace opening up to another person face to face. I highly recommend seeing a counselor or therapist, or a pastor if you are religious. Hell, even if you don't plan on filing divorce papers now, an attorney will still listen and offer advice. No matter how uncomfortable the idea may seem, they are all there to help you get through the pain and confusion so that you can make rational decisions and get control of your life back. If those options aren't available, **** man just find anyone that will listen. It's clear what's gone on, that's all you need to know for now. Forget the polygraph, hell she probably wouldn't agree to it anyway. You have all the information you need and I think somewhere inside you know that's true. What you're lacking is the ability to process it, which is natural and OK. I urge you to find someone to talk to, it will speed the process up and have you back in control far faster than if you leave it up to your own devices. In the meantime don't stop posting here if you need anything, there are more than enough people willing to offer their support. Edited May 27, 2011 by nothingbutblueskies
drifter777 Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 Like I said... I'm obsessed. Not only that, this is the worst pain that I think exists in the world. I just want to leave but I love my kids and know that the military environment is not going to allow me to be near them. What do I do? I'm thinking of permanent pain ending options... but keep telling myself that this is a temporary feeling and that I can't make permanent decisions in this state. I understand your pain, anger, and confusion and how badly you want it to stop but please realize that you are in a true crisis and need to find a counselor that you can talk to ASAP. Stop interacting in any way with your wife and find someone who can help you!
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