GivenUp0083 Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 I feel I'm pretty much over her now after 4 weeks. What allowed me to get over her is realizing that the way she acted toward me was not real and that she was able to fake loving actions. I know now that there's no getting her back, because they girl I fell in love with doesn't exist. I said nothing to my ex when she broke up with me over the phone. All I said was "ok, bye". After reflecting for a few weeks, I decided to put my thoughts on paper, which eventually formed an email to her which I revised quite a few times. I feel I'm at a point now where I am ready to send that email. One of my best friends reviewed it and she is a strong advocate of NC, but she says the way the email is written it is ok for me to send and that I'm ready. It's basically me getting a bunch of things off my chest that I want to say to her. Not in the hopes of winning her back, but telling her the things I didn't appreciate about the breakup, and just how different our viewpoints of our relationship really were. I also basically say goodbye and I'm glad that she ended it and I thank her for making the right decision. My friend says she'll probably read it, cry, get angry, then want to respond. I won't respond to her response if she sends one. The only question I have is whether to send it now, or after she gets back from Vegas. My friend says I should sent it now while she's on her trip because "she's a bitch and that's what she would do". She said I'll definitely get a response, it's just a matter of when. Her being on a Vegas trip will delay the response. When do you think I should send the email? Send it now and ruin the trip? Or wait until she gets back?
PegNosePete Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 Why do you want to send it? What kind of response do you expect, or do you want? If you say the word "closure" then I'll punch you in the face (metaphorically of course). If you are truly over her then you will have no need to send this kind of email at all. If you are truly over her then you wouldn't need to ask this question.
radiodarcy Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 would you feel comfortable showing us that email? it always helps to get a second opinion. personally my vote it to not send anything at all. i too have sent my ex emails saying i don't care if he responds, etc but deep down i did. and regardless of whether got a response or not, i wound up feeling let down. if anything it set back my healing. ps. did you get my PM? nothing's showing in my sent msgs box. but the icon says it was sent.
Author GivenUp0083 Posted May 27, 2011 Author Posted May 27, 2011 would you feel comfortable showing us that email? it always helps to get a second opinion. personally my vote it to not send anything at all. i too have sent my ex emails saying i don't care if he responds, etc but deep down i did. and regardless of whether got a response or not, i wound up feeling let down. if anything it set back my healing. ps. did you get my PM? nothing's showing in my sent msgs box. but the icon says it was sent. I guess I could PM it to you, but it's rather long. I'd be lying if I said I didn't care, but I care in the sense that her last email was very patronizing and she talked down to me. There's just something I should have said at the time, and now that emotions have settled, I'm comfortable and confident saying them now. It will let me get that chip off my shoulder that "I should've said this". When I send this email, whether she responds or not, I can said "I have no regrets, I said what I wanted." Right now I regret keeping my mouth shut and I'm someone who doesn't back down easily, I set the record straight, and I share my opinions. She and I always had good open communication, so it's natrually for me to want to share this with her. I feel like getting it all out on the table will make her see some things she can learn from this and tell her it's not her place to tell me what I've learned or my ability to care for someone.
radiodarcy Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 i see what you mean. but it seems to me that in responding to that last patronizing email she sent you're simply allowing her to control the situation and dictate the terms of your healing. why do you need to prove anything to someone who's going to treat you that way? not long after my ex dumped me we tried to be friends. and some of the conversations we had afterwards were extremely condescending on his part. he gave me pointers for meeting other guys and told me that my interest in politics and way with words would make a guy feel inadequate and bored. he also drew up a game plan for me to move on! which pretty much consisted of posting an ad on craig's list. meeting a guy, taking him home and screwing him by the second date! needless to say i went NC soon after that. and yes during that first month i was extremely tempted to send him a a great big eff you email telling him i didn't need him telling me how to move on. and that his little plan for me showed how little he knew about me as a person and revealed far more about himself and what kind of person he is. but i didn't. because ultimately, it would have given him all the power and proved to him that i hadn't moved on. and i would have given it to him in writing to boot. and yes - - i used to tell him everything as well. but once he dumped me he lost all rights to hear anything that was on my mind or hear the details of my life. the fact that he dumped me tells me that he didn't care to anyway. as you and your ex aren't together anymore, there is really no need to tell her what's on your mind now. chances are she's not going to care anyway.
Art_Critic Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 I would like to point out that if you were over her then you wouldn't have decided to break NC.. so... Continue on with NC and heal
Author GivenUp0083 Posted May 27, 2011 Author Posted May 27, 2011 i see what you mean. but it seems to me that in responding to that last patronizing email she sent you're simply allowing her to control the situation and dictate the terms of your healing. why do you need to prove anything to someone who's going to treat you that way? not long after my ex dumped me we tried to be friends. and some of the conversations we had afterwards were extremely condescending on his part. he gave me pointers for meeting other guys and told me that my interest in politics and way with words would make a guy feel inadequate and bored. he also drew up a game plan for me to move on! which pretty much consisted of posting an ad on craig's list. meeting a guy, taking him home and screwing him by the second date! needless to say i went NC soon after that. and yes during that first month i was extremely tempted to send him a a great big eff you email telling him i didn't need him telling me how to move on. and that his little plan for me showed how little he knew about me as a person and revealed far more about himself and what kind of person he is. but i didn't. because ultimately, it would have given him all the power and proved to him that i hadn't moved on. and i would have given it to him in writing to boot. and yes - - i used to tell him everything as well. but once he dumped me he lost all rights to hear anything that was on my mind or hear the details of my life. the fact that he dumped me tells me that he didn't care to anyway. as you and your ex aren't together anymore, there is really no need to tell her what's on your mind now. chances are she's not going to care anyway. I would like to point out that if you were over her then you wouldn't have decided to break NC.. so... Continue on with NC and heal I'm sorry but I disagree, I feel like this is something I need to do. I don't need to heal anymore, I'm over it. But I DO feel like I need to get some things off my chest. I don't want to be bitter going forward, dumping this email off on her will relieve that.
lalalandman Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 I would NOT send that email. She'll read it, chuckle, and reply back with things you're not going to want to hear. At all. How long you been with her?
Author GivenUp0083 Posted May 29, 2011 Author Posted May 29, 2011 I would NOT send that email. She'll read it, chuckle, and reply back with things you're not going to want to hear. At all. How long you been with her? 4.5 months, but we lived very close by and spent almost every day together, exchanged ILY's, and she'd often make long term plans with me. It's been almost a full month, and the hardest time I'm having right now is realizing how there is something wrong with me when it comes to meeting new women that might have interest in me. I go out with buddies and they ALWAYS have some girl we meet have interest and line up dates with them. I'm not very tall, I'm in excellent shape and quite muscular, I'm not socially inept as I make good conversation and I'm in sales for a living. I just get NO interest from women, at all, in public. I met my ex online dating, and I hated online dating so much I just won't go back to it. It's degrading to men and our egos at the very least, and it took me 2 years of online dating just to meet my ex. I can't go through with any of this bull**** anymore. I want to date, I want to be with someone and share things with, and I want to be happy/make someone happy, but I fear it is not meant for me and I will never meet someone. It's just too much effort required on my part. Everyone who says you find it when you stop looking is full of ****, that's never worked for me, never will. Anyway, I'm really bummed because after 4 years of being single and having no one, I got a huge dose of an amazing relationship where I was truly happy, only to have it stripped from me overnight. I was better off never meeting her, and I'm better off never meeting anyone ever again.
PelicanPete Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 I'm getting the vibe that there are things that you don't like about yourself, which explains your behavior over sending her this email. I understand you want some form of closure that feels like it's on your terms, but trust me you don't want to send her anything. I don't know what type of email it is, but it's basically breaching a hole in your wall of NC for her to funnel a bunch of irritating hang ups for you. I sent my ex a polite and warm closure/goodbye letter, wishing her the best in life etc. Rather than her returning the favor, she used that opportunity to try to cause more problems because all of a sudden she wanted these worthless things back that she didn't give a damn about earlier. I didn't break NC, but it was still emotionally taxing on me when she'd send messages through my friends everyday to give some of her stuff back until it finally got to her via snail mail. If I could do it again, I would've just posted it on LS or gave it to a friend just for the satisfaction of sending it. There is nothing wrong with being single unless you aren't happy with yourself, so what is it about you that you want to change? This is the perfect opportunity to start addressing how to become a better person.
Author GivenUp0083 Posted May 29, 2011 Author Posted May 29, 2011 I'm getting the vibe that there are things that you don't like about yourself, which explains your behavior over sending her this email. I understand you want some form of closure that feels like it's on your terms, but trust me you don't want to send her anything. I don't know what type of email it is, but it's basically breaching a hole in your wall of NC for her to funnel a bunch of irritating hang ups for you. I sent my ex a polite and warm closure/goodbye letter, wishing her the best in life etc. Rather than her returning the favor, she used that opportunity to try to cause more problems because all of a sudden she wanted these worthless things back that she didn't give a damn about earlier. I didn't break NC, but it was still emotionally taxing on me when she'd send messages through my friends everyday to give some of her stuff back until it finally got to her via snail mail. If I could do it again, I would've just posted it on LS or gave it to a friend just for the satisfaction of sending it. There is nothing wrong with being single unless you aren't happy with yourself, so what is it about you that you want to change? This is the perfect opportunity to start addressing how to become a better person. They only changes I'd like to make, and have already accomplished a lot in, is all physically. I'm actually really happy with myself in that area. I'm happy with myself in a lot of areas. I do what I want, I play sports, I have good friends, good family, I have a stable job with decent money..... It's like this: knowing all these great things about myself and trying to keep a positive attitude, I still never meet women who have any interest in dating me. I mean NEVER meet them in person. I've tried nothing, I've tried making conversation, I've tried being funny, I've tried being direct, I've done absolutely nothing for months on end like people say supposedly works when you aren't looking for it. I just never am able to attract women and I know something is wrong with me, I just don't know what it is. That's what makes this breakup the hardest. I know I will probably never find someone, and she will (if she hasn't already) find someone very very quickly. How do you teach yourself to just accept the fact you will never find someone who will make you happy?
sinnister Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 Or make yourself, force yourself to not look for it. You probably need a better gameplan. Go shopping and try to not act like you're looking for it to the salesperson. Go to a place and upgrade your wardrobe. Don't go there looking bummy...just wear something decent like you have class n start looking. Women like a dude that looks like he takes care of himself. Do the same in a bookstore if you read...you have to find ways to be around women when you are completely comfortable. They can pick up ANYTHING. I did get attention when I wasn't looking but appeared available. They'll make idle convo with you, not the other way around. It takes a bit of work..but you're already fit...just be you but advertise it with everything but your mouth/eyes, until the time is right.
D-Lish Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 I sent my ex an email after we broke up, and I don't regret it. There were things I didn't get to say to him, things I wasn't able to get off my chest. The night we broke up I felt more in shock than anything else, I left regretting not being able to say what I needed to say.... So I drafted the letter, edited it a bunch of times- and I sent it. It depends on the nature of the letter and what you really want. I personally don't believe you have no expectations from writing the letter.
Author GivenUp0083 Posted May 30, 2011 Author Posted May 30, 2011 I sent my ex an email after we broke up, and I don't regret it. There were things I didn't get to say to him, things I wasn't able to get off my chest. The night we broke up I felt more in shock than anything else, I left regretting not being able to say what I needed to say.... So I drafted the letter, edited it a bunch of times- and I sent it. It depends on the nature of the letter and what you really want. I personally don't believe you have no expectations from writing the letter. I think I'm going to send it
TaraMaiden Posted May 30, 2011 Posted May 30, 2011 Your first comment about sending it to ruin her trip, speaks volumes about your intentions. You don't necessarily want to get it off your chest. You also want to hurt her. Bad, stupid, thoughtless and misguided intention. Not a good idea. The opposite to Love, is not Hate. The opposite to Love is Indifference. When you can think of these brief less-than-5 months as a minor and insignificant episode in your life - THEN that's the time to send the email. Otherwise - quit being a drama queen, and focus on making you happy, not making her unhappy.
Exit Posted May 30, 2011 Posted May 30, 2011 It sounds like your mind is made up and none of us can change it, but yeah... don't send it. If you just wanted to "get it off your chest", the fact that you typed out this letter, revised it a couple times, and kept it for a while, should have given you time to vent those feelings and come to terms with them. Sending it to the other person is not necessary. Perhaps if she approached you, you would have an excuse to unload it all on her, but you have been leaving each other alone since the split, just maintain that path.
Freesia120 Posted May 30, 2011 Posted May 30, 2011 People are different what might work for you might not work for somebody else.If you say there some things you need to get off your chest then we can't really stop you. I'm going through a break up myself at the moment and after thinking long and hard I called my Ex despite knowing I might not like what I was going to hear but I just needed to do it. I didn't feel any different after the call I'm not sure I feel better but I'm glad I made the phonecall. stay Positive
Author GivenUp0083 Posted May 31, 2011 Author Posted May 31, 2011 I didn't send it. I had the cursor on the send button and i couldn't pull the trigger. I don't know why I keep going through these phases where i feel like I have to do something. Basically I had another close friend look it over and she advised against it. She said she didn't know the whole story but could get an idea that she did some hurtful and careless things to me involving the breakup. She said that despite one of my paragraphs telling her what I loved about our relationship which was very nice, the rest of it is a bit harsh and I called her out on many things. Ultimately the reason I'm not sending it is because it would only make me look bad and her perception of me would be negative, so by doing that I would change her feeling guilty to justifying the break up by acting like a jerk. It wouldn't accomplish anything. It just sucks. I can't believe this happened and I want it all to be over, I've actually started smoking pot so maybe that can help numb the pain and help me stop caring.
TaraMaiden Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 I didn't send it.... Good thing, right decision.... I've actually started smoking pot so maybe that can help numb the pain and help me stop caring. Bad thing, wrong decision....
sinnister Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 Good thing, right decision.... Bad thing, wrong decision.... Best time..best decision..mix some Xanax with it too...numb you completely out I read from some woman on another forum.. She was able to go to events where her ex was n not be bothered...it's what I'm going to do as soon as my abroad thing is set in stone n I can get a prescription. Some people need something stronger to keep NC in a bad/painful b/u. Do your time..dont let your time do u...just make anything a transition and not a crutch.
TaraMaiden Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 If people need to resort to taking recreational drugs, or self-medicating, it's a bad and dangerous sign. if you really need something to help you through this, see a qualified doctor. Self-medication is a dumb course of action, and really, really stupid. Yes, it is.
sinnister Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 If people need to resort to taking recreational drugs, or self-medicating, it's a bad and dangerous sign. if you really need something to help you through this, see a qualified doctor. Self-medication is a dumb course of action, and really, really stupid. Yes, it is. But people run to liquor all the time...I've only drunk hard liquor on 3 occasions since the b/u nearly a year ago..working out like hell..and it didn't work. The releasing of endorphins didnt work..it didn't do anything but make me feel like not doing them anymore when the pressure overwhelmed me. I'm not doing pot right now..but I went to Amsterdam, broker than I wish I was at that point n felt tremendously better, even knowing my ex had probably lied about returning to the MidEastern country (which she was n didn't want me to know for some reason) n banging this guy after snubbing me completely. I still felt a million times better than I would've...n I stopped crying in public. Sorry if that's bad for a dude..but I was a complete wreck. Got high as much as I could..n the good feeling lasted a while when I got back cause it was still n my system..when it left..I was manic again. Just saying...don't be automatically put off by things. I know people consider THC a gutter drug..but why is it prescribed now as a cure for so many things...most of the time pain related? As a transition to going back to working out..which I have done it and that effect happened before n other things...a boost can help when stress is just a monster n you just want a bit of levity...cheap empty levity. But let that open u up to seeing a trained professional afterwards.
Exit Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 I agree with Tara, I'm not criticizing specific drugs or those who choose to use them (yes a lot turn to alcohol and that seems to be more "Acceptable" in society) but you should really try to keep your mind clear while you are healing. If it hurts, it's supposed to hurt, and if you mask your feelings with some substance, you'll never heal properly. And then you start to develop a very bad habit... you'll start to connect any time you can't handle something in life with the need for a substance. That's how you get addicted. I just got dumped and I've decided to quit smoking (the toxic ex was the one who kept me smoking anyway), trying to take care of myself, the endorphins from exercise do cheer me up for an hour or two, good enough for me.
EgoJoe Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 Take it from a 24 YO man that I know I am better off without substances..the most I've taken since my breakup was an anti-anxiety medicine to help me get my sleep pattern back on track.. I stopped because it would numb me and then everything would come back full fold. I was smoking pot again as things got worse as well but it made my anxiety go through the roof after the initial "relaxation" period. I haven't had a drink in 3 years this August and I am glad that I went to AA or to friends before I took a drink.
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