The affair dynamic

May 27, 2011

The whole thing just fascinates me. I read and read and read about it just trying to understand why. What makes people enter into an affair.

I can actually understand the cheating spouses logic. They think they are never going to get caught, they are looking for a little extra fun on the side and an escape from day to day family life of kids, household chores, bills to pay etc.

I think often man it would be a nice escape to just "play" single sometimes and go back to the younger days of no responsibility but I know I just am not cut out for that kind of escape.

What fascinates me though is what does the "other" person get out of it?

What would ever make them want the affair lifestyle? There are so many people to fall in love with. Wouldn't you protect yourself from the married ones? I guess I don't believe that love just happens.

I'm hoping one day to understand what people see in someone who goes home to a family every night but honestly I just don't think I will ever get it. Maybe I should stop trying to understand and just say it makes no sense.

May 27, 2011

What fascinates me though is what does the "other" person get out of it?
What would ever make them want the affair lifestyle? There are so many people to fall in love with. Wouldn't you protect yourself from the married ones? I guess I don't believe that love just happens.

I've known several men that preferred MW, because they did NOT want a relationship and knew with a MW they were less likely to have to worry about a relationship. And if the MW started wanting one, they could drop her and she'd have little recourse. Basically they wanted free sex, without the trappings, no wining and dining and dating, just hot, clandestine sex. I had one tell me once that it was far easier to get into a lonely married woman's pants than a single girl's pants. A little attention, a few compliments, and *poof*, their clothes fall off.

There's one answer anyway.

May 27, 2011

Love does just happen sometimes. I never intended to be the OM in my life. I started talking to MW with the sole intent of being nothing more than friends, and we were for a while. However, we had a lot in common and are both college students so we had a lot to talk about. Things just sort of spiraled out of our control.

And that's a very limited scope of reasons as to why a married person would decide to cheat. In the terms of an affair that starts out as emotional they are often unwittingly drawn into it too. Granted there may be underlying causes that allow them to go through with it (not enough attention, not enough sex, routine life), in a lot of cases I don't think they may even be consciously aware of it. Just as I wasn't.

I can't speak for the people who actively seek affairs, because I am not one of them. I can only speak for myself. It was never intended to go as far as it did and it felt like I was powerless to stop it. You're right that it makes no sense. I thought about the situation rationally from every angle while it was happening and subsequently ignored every rational conclusion I came to, knowing full well it would at the very least lead to two people being hurt.

In my case I was so wrapped up that I was thinking of it as a regular relationship, which we all know it is not. You quickly realize it's not because it ****ing hurts to know that you're sleeping alone every night and they aren't. The thing that keeps it going is hope, the hope that they'll come to their senses and see that you're the better man. Does that ever happen? Yes. Is it very likely that it will happen to you? Not at all. But there is always that hope that your situation is unique, because it truly feels that way. How will you know unless you keep going? I found myself saying repeatedly in times of pain, "There is something here, the spark is too strong for there to be nothing. I have to know how this plays out."

She gives you everything you need to keep feeling this way, because you're giving her everything she needs to keep saying it. It's a highly symbiotic relationship that does nothing but feed itself. Was I really in love? Yes, moreso than I've ever been. Was she? I think so, at some level, the pain in her eyes gave it away. Both parties are aware of how the scenario will end when it begins, yet physiology and motives, be they premeditated or unconscious, allow you to ignore.

Like I said, I can only speak for myself. So you can take it as you will. Troll away

May 27, 2011

Love does just happen sometimes. I never intended to be the OM in my life. I started talking to MW with the sole intent of being nothing more than friends, and we were for a while. However, we had a lot in common and are both college students so we had a lot to talk about. Things just sort of spiraled out of our control.

And that's a very limited scope of reasons as to why a married person would decide to cheat. In the terms of an affair that starts out as emotional they are often unwittingly drawn into it too. Granted there may be underlying causes that allow them to go through with it (not enough attention, not enough sex, routine life), in a lot of cases I don't think they may even be consciously aware of it. Just as I wasn't.

I can't speak for the people who actively seek affairs, because I am not one of them. I can only speak for myself. It was never intended to go as far as it did and it felt like I was powerless to stop it. You're right that it makes no sense. I thought about the situation rationally from every angle while it was happening and subsequently ignored every rational conclusion I came to, knowing full well it would at the very least lead to two people being hurt.

In my case I was so wrapped up that I was thinking of it as a regular relationship, which we all know it is not. You quickly realize it's not because it ****ing hurts to know that you're sleeping alone every night and they aren't. The thing that keeps it going is hope, the hope that they'll come to their senses and see that you're the better man. Does that ever happen? Yes. Is it very likely that it will happen to you? Not at all. But there is always that hope that your situation is unique, because it truly feels that way. How will you know unless you keep going? I found myself saying repeatedly in times of pain, "There is something here, the spark is too strong for there to be nothing. I have to know how this plays out."

She gives you everything you need to keep feeling this way, because you're giving her everything she needs to keep saying it. It's a highly symbiotic relationship that does nothing but feed itself. Was I really in love? Yes, moreso than I've ever been. Was she? I think so, at some level, the pain in her eyes gave it away. Both parties are aware of how the scenario will end when it begins, yet physiology and motives, be they premeditated or unconscious, allow you to ignore.

Like I said, I can only speak for myself. So you can take it as you will. Troll away

Thanks for being honest.

May 27, 2011

I've known several men that preferred MW, because they did NOT want a relationship and knew with a MW they were less likely to have to worry about a relationship. And if the MW started wanting one, they could drop her and she'd have little recourse. Basically they wanted free sex, without the trappings, no wining and dining and dating, just hot, clandestine sex. I had one tell me once that it was far easier to get into a lonely married woman's pants than a single girl's pants. A little attention, a few compliments, and *poof*, their clothes fall off.

There's one answer anyway.

Makes sense. They are not looking for love. I was thinking more about the ones who fall in love and wait and wait for the married to leave.

May 27, 2011

I've known several men that preferred MW, because they did NOT want a relationship and knew with a MW they were less likely to have to worry about a relationship. And if the MW started wanting one, they could drop her and she'd have little recourse. Basically they wanted free sex, without the trappings, no wining and dining and dating, just hot, clandestine sex. I had one tell me once that it was far easier to get into a lonely married woman's pants than a single girl's pants. A little attention, a few compliments, and *poof*, their clothes fall off.

There's one answer anyway.

I can see how a man would initially think that a MW means no strings attached but damn - who wants the hassle? I'm sure many MW do not let them go easy and what if the husband finds out and gets pissed?

I would think a single girl would be less hassle.

May 27, 2011

The whole thing just fascinates me. I read and read and read about it just trying to understand why. What makes people enter into an affair.

I can actually understand the cheating spouses logic. They think they are never going to get caught, they are looking for a little extra fun on the side and an escape from day to day family life of kids, household chores, bills to pay etc.

I think often man it would be a nice escape to just "play" single sometimes and go back to the younger days of no responsibility but I know I just am not cut out for that kind of escape.

What fascinates me though is what does the "other" person get out of it?
What would ever make them want the affair lifestyle? There are so many people to fall in love with. Wouldn't you protect yourself from the married ones? I guess I don't believe that love just happens.

I'm hoping one day to understand what people see in someone who goes home to a family every night but honestly I just don't think I will ever get it. Maybe I should stop trying to understand and just say it makes no sense.

The reason why you dont understand it is because you cant rationalize outside of your own tolerance levels. This is not a slight against you...most people are like this.

What does the other person get out of it? Could be anything...maybe they like NSA sex; maybe they arent interested in commitment...now or ever; maybe they get a thrill out of dealing with attached people ( I had one girl admit that to me and I suspect there are many others); maybe their expectations of love and being in love are simply different from yours; or maybe they truly are holding out for the other person to leave for them because they beleive in what they have with that person and beleives the married party feels the same...and sometimes it actually does happen.

If you dont get it...leave it at that....you likely would never get it and what impact would there be on your life if you did?....likely not much at all.

Different strokes for different folks

Edited May 27, 2011 by StoneCold

May 27, 2011

I think there are many reason, and different reasons for those who are desiring a ft relationsihp with the married partner vs. those who truly want an affair with the married partner.

I can see why a married man is attractive to a single woman. He's demonstrating all that "husband" material that is attractive to so many of us.

Also, I can see how a woman can fall in love with a married man quicker than a single guy. Most single guys take things slowly, holding back on expressions of love and devotion until the relationship is fairly established. Single guys know that expressing that stuff can give a woman the wrong idea (that he is ready to commit).

A married man in an affair, otoh, has nothing to lose and everything to gain by expressions of love and devotion. He says all the right things because he can. Of course women love to hear that stuff. In comparision, the single guy just isn't as rewarding in the immediate sense.

Also, I think people might subconsciously choose committed partners to protect themselves from rejection. If I fall deeply in love with a married man, and he breaks it off with me, I can blame his situation. It doesn't reflect his feelings for me. But if I fall deeply in love with a single man, and he breaks it off with me--I can see how, for some, that would feel like the bigger risk.

May 27, 2011

Why have an affair in general (this goes for all parties involved and not just the OM/OW)?

An absurdly large number of complex and not so complex reasons that would likely fill up a number of phonebook sized reading materials. For your own mental health gg, I think that it is best not to worry about such speculation.

To be more helpful, I'll give you some specific examples that are relevent to myself though. I remember that my xW said in MC that some of the contributors to her A was her lack of self fulfillment and self worth, which she did not communicate to me, or deal with in a particulaly healthy manner. As for OM, I theorise that he was venting his own frustrations after his own wife left him for another man (friends told me he had a dynamic shift in his personality after this had happened). Since I had minimal communication with him, this is merely an assumption.

So there you go.

May 27, 2011

What fascinates me though is what does the "other" person get out of it?
What would ever make them want the affair lifestyle? There are so many people to fall in love with. Wouldn't you protect yourself from the married ones? I guess I don't believe that love just happens.

It's simple. They are damaged. End of story.

May 27, 2011

Also, I think people might subconsciously choose committed partners to protect themselves from rejection. If I fall deeply in love with a married man, and he breaks it off with me, I can blame his situation. It doesn't reflect his feelings for me. But if I fall deeply in love with a single man, and he breaks it off with me--I can see how, for some, that would feel like the bigger risk.

Wow, I've never thought of that angle before. In my situation as the OM it makes quite a bit of sense too. Nicely said.

If you dont get it...leave it at that....you likely would never get it and what impact would there be on your life if you did?....likely not much at all.

Also, this. If you haven't been there, again speaking from the stand point of my own experience in what unintentionally started as an emotional affair, you really cannot comprehend it. You lose yourself in the whole thing and rationality flies out the window. There are some things you simply cannot empathize with unless you've experienced it for yourself, this is one of those things.

Edited May 27, 2011 by nothingbutblueskies

May 28, 2011

I think there are many reason, and different reasons for those who are desiring a ft relationsihp with the married partner vs. those who truly want an affair with the married partner.

I can see why a married man is attractive to a single woman. He's demonstrating all that "husband" material that is attractive to so many of us.

Also, I can see how a woman can fall in love with a married man quicker than a single guy. Most single guys take things slowly, holding back on expressions of love and devotion until the relationship is fairly established. Single guys know that expressing that stuff can give a woman the wrong idea (that he is ready to commit).

A married man in an affair, otoh, has nothing to lose and everything to gain by expressions of love and devotion. He says all the right things because he can. Of course women love to hear that stuff. In comparision, the single guy just isn't as rewarding in the immediate sense.

Also, I think people might subconsciously choose committed partners to protect themselves from rejection. If I fall deeply in love with a married man, and he breaks it off with me, I can blame his situation. It doesn't reflect his feelings for me. But if I fall deeply in love with a single man, and he breaks it off with me--I can see how, for some, that would feel like the bigger risk.

...and a bigger rejection, because you are being rejected as a PERSON, not because of a situation (Married). Much easier for a someone with low self-esteem to bear in the long term.

Excellent post, xxoo. I've also read this insight elsewhere.

May 28, 2011

Having an affair sounds very stressful.

I don't enjoy stress.

May 28, 2011

IMO, some people fall in love very easily because they need external validation. Anyone that needs others to be happy is at risk of having an affair.

I agree with the poster that said that married OP tend to be more attentive to the single OP. A single man has a zillion possibilities whereas a MM only has the woman that is willing to compromise and go for taken man. Therefore, the MM can sound much more romantic and interested. Beggars cannot be choosy.

There is another ingredient needed to participate in an affair. The participants must be good at deception.

I've been thinking about this. I was terrible at deception. I did deceive, but I didn't totally shock my husband and mom when they found out. Here's why. My husband knew something was wrong but he trusted me so much he refused to believe I was cheating. Just recently my mom said she knew something was wrong with starting even before the affair. She said I used to be happy, and she saw no joy in me anymore. She noticed how distracted and distant I was even with family and friends. I was very terrible at deception because it went against everything I believe in to lie to the people I'm supposed to love the most. I couldn't look my husband in the eye. He said he felt the distance. I know, without a doubt, if I had not confessed when I did, I would have gotten caught eventually. My husband even told me he would have caught me. He said he had such a strong feeling about it. Deception eats away at the soul.

May 28, 2011

I try not to make a habit of responding to responders, but since this is a poll type discussion I've decided to make an exception. Understand blueskies, I don't know you personally so it's impossible for me to make it that way. Just the same, since your thoughts come straight from the cheater's bible (predictor edition) it's a good example of flawed thinking.

I started talking to MW with the sole intent of being nothing more than friends

Stop right there. EVERYONE says that.

I'm assuming you met your MW in the workplace, and can guarantee that you found her attractive. Sexual thoughts go through everyone's mind; especially men. There is no denying this. But in stating it like you have, it builds up the 'powerless' defense and runs through your whole story. Do yourself and everyone a favor by being honest. The fact is, you envisioned getting in her pants the first time you met her, didn't you? You wanted it.

...and we were for a while. However, we had a lot in common and are both college students so we had a lot to talk about. Things just sort of spiraled out of our control.

No matter how often someone lies -even to the point of believing it themselves- it is still a lie. This is a lie, one you've told yourself over and over. Nothing 'sort of' happened. Decisions were made, plans were made, and intense thought was applied to the relationship. From both sides

I thought about the situation rationally from every angle while it was happening and subsequently ignored every rational conclusion I came to, knowing full well it would at the very least lead to two people being hurt.

Three. At the very least three people. You, her and her husband. But who cares about him? You wiped your feet on his face. Very uncool.

And you slipped up blueskies; you yourself admit to ignoring the wrong in this situation, meaning you were well aware of the choices available. If truth is infallible but lies are full of holes, then your story is swiss cheese.

The thing that keeps it going is hope, the hope that they'll come to their senses and see that you're the better man. Does that ever happen? Yes. Is it very likely that it will happen to you? Not at all.

Do you understand why? It is because you're living a lie. You came between two people who vowed to love and honor each other. A family. You not only willingly participated, but encouraged this man's wife to betray the man she was legally and morally responsible for. This does not make you a better man. It strips away your manhood and transforms you into slime. The worst part, for you or any other cheater? Everyone, most specifically your married girlfriend, knew deep down that you had no honor. No one with honor sleeps with another man's wife; even if he is a cheating bastard. That's meddling. If you had honor, you would have followed the Code of Men and walked away from her when you realized things were moving past friendship. Deep down, and no matter what she did or said, she knew you were not the man her husband was. Fact.

There is much more I can say, but I'll end this by starting the obvious. No good comes from injustice. By it's very definition, injustice is the opposite of what is justly earned. You are a thief; taking that which does not belong to you, then justifying it by saying it was out of your control. Bullsh*t.

Don't fall for that lie. Stop believing it and regain your lost honor.

May 28, 2011

You are a normal loving person with a healthy superego. However many other MOP lie and feel no remorse at all.

Thanks. For me, I couldn't handle it - deceiving and lying. I wanted joy -pure joy in my life again. I wanted to be free from the burden of holding secrets. I will say too that I also meant "deception eats away at the soul" for those with no remorse. I believe their soul is already so corrupted, they really believe they should have no remorse. I'm not saying that in a judgmental way. I'm referring to my xOM. He was able to cheat on his wife several times and after the first time, he said he felt no remorse. I'll never forget after the first time we had sex I was feeling so guilty, and he told me "The guilt goes away after awhile." Wow. Looking back, I don't know why the hell I listened to his crap. Apparently for him the guilt went away, but not for me...ever.

Sorry for the t/j. Just me rambling on again.

May 28, 2011

I try not to make a habit of responding to responders, but since this is a poll type discussion I've decided to make an exception. Understand blueskies, I don't know you personally so it's impossible for me to make it that way. Just the same, since your thoughts come straight from the cheater's bible (predictor edition) it's a good example of flawed thinking.

Stop right there. EVERYONE says that.

I'm assuming you met your MW in the workplace, and can guarantee that you found her attractive. Sexual thoughts go through everyone's mind; especially men. There is no denying this. But in stating it like you have, it builds up the 'powerless' defense and runs through your whole story. Do yourself and everyone a favor by being honest. The fact is, you envisioned getting in her pants the first time you met her, didn't you? You wanted it.

No matter how often someone lies -even to the point of believing it themselves- it is still a lie. This is a lie, one you've told yourself over and over. Nothing 'sort of' happened. Decisions were made, plans were made, and intense thought was applied to the relationship. From both sides

Three. At the very least three people. You, her and her husband. But who cares about him? You wiped your feet on his face. Very uncool.

And you slipped up blueskies; you yourself admit to ignoring the wrong in this situation, meaning you were well aware of the choices available. If truth is infallible but lies are full of holes, then your story is swiss cheese.

Do you understand why? It is because you're living a lie. You came between two people who vowed to love and honor each other. A family. You not only willingly participated, but encouraged this man's wife to betray the man she was legally and morally responsible for. This does not make you a better man. It strips away your manhood and transforms you into slime. The worst part, for you or any other cheater? Everyone, most specifically your married girlfriend, knew deep down that you had no honor. No one with honor sleeps with another man's wife; even if he is a cheating bastard. That's meddling. If you had honor, you would have followed the Code of Men and walked away from her when you realized things were moving past friendship. Deep down, and no matter what she did or said, she knew you were not the man her husband was. Fact.

There is much more I can say, but I'll end this by starting the obvious. No good comes from injustice. By it's very definition, injustice is the opposite of what is justly earned. You are a thief; taking that which does not belong to you, then justifying it by saying it was out of your control. Bullsh*t.

Don't fall for that lie. Stop believing it and regain your lost honor.

You're right, you don't know me. I gave the OP an honest answer to his/her question based on what I've felt and experienced. If you think I am a liar or a no good son of a bitch, great for you. That's your own opinion and you're entitled to it. I'm sure some people do say the same things with mal intent, but I was being honest. I have no reason to lie here. Was my thinking or logic flawed regarding the whole situation? You're god damned right it was, that was sort of the point of my entire post.

May 28, 2011

Cowardice.

When all is said and done it all amounts to cowardice on the part of the WS and OP.

The WS is a coward for not accepting that it is not the responsibility of his/her BS to make him/her happy.

The OP is a coward for not going out and developing a healthy relationship with an unattached man/woman.

Why do you 'need' validation from another man/woman? The clandestine and toxic relationship will only leave you and those around you worse off. The so called unmet EN (emotional needs) is a bunch of crap when you consider how the WS would meet those needs if his/her BS and his/her OP were to disappear overnight.

If your 'need' for attention and/or sex is so overwhelming then it is a sign that you never developed the capacity to find true happiness, the one that can only come from inside oneself. It is also a sign to seek out the services of professional counseling to help you fix yourself.

May 28, 2011

Cowardice.

When all is said and done it all amounts to cowardice on the part of the WS and OP.

The WS is a coward for not accepting that it is not the responsibility of his/her BS to make him/her happy.

The OP is a coward for not going out and developing a healthy relationship with an unattached man/woman.

Why do you 'need' validation from another man/woman? The clandestine and toxic relationship will only leave you and those around you worse off. The so called unmet EN (emotional needs) is a bunch of crap when you consider how the WS would meet those needs if his/her BS and his/her OP were to disappear overnight.

If your 'need' for attention and/or sex is so overwhelming then it is a sign that you never developed the capacity to find true happiness, the one that can only come from inside oneself. It is also a sign to seek out the services of professional counseling to help you fix yourself.

Sorry, but acknowledging psychological issues as the motivator for one's actions negates the first part of your post. If someone is in a state of emotional disrepair they are often the last person to realize it and many people never do! Yet for their own ignorance you call them a coward? That makes no sense. What if the WS doesn't know their spouse should not be held responsible for their happiness? What if the OP is incapable of developing non-broken relationships for whatever reason? You can scoff and say they haven't developed properly, fine. But if that's the case then should you not place the blame on their parents? And does that then make them cowards too for not realizing how to raise children properly? It still doesn't do anything constructive to address the underlying issue but make them feel more worthless than they might already feel.

The complexities behind human behavior are almost never black and white. The actions of the person may seem that way, but in the case of someone who hasn't 'developed properly,' as you might put it, are then just symptoms of a larger underlying issue.

Within the context being used here, what you're calling "cowardice" is not a premeditated action. It's a reaction to feelings or problems the acting party may not even be consciously aware of.

Edited May 28, 2011 by nothingbutblueskies

May 28, 2011

Sorry, but acknowledging psychological issues as the motivator for one's actions negates the first part of your post. If someone is in a state of emotional disrepair they are often the last person to realize it and many people never do! Yet for their own ignorance you call them a coward? That makes no sense. What if the WS doesn't know their spouse should not be held responsible for their happiness? What if the OP is incapable of developing non-broken relationships for whatever reason? You can scoff and say they haven't developed properly, fine. But if that's the case then should you not place the blame on their parents? And does that then make them cowards too for not realizing how to raise children properly? It still doesn't do anything constructive to address the underlying issue but make them feel more worthless than they might already feel.

I'm not talking about WS with severe psychological issues that would most likely require a family intervention before they hurt others and/or themselves. The ones I'm talking about have functional cognitive abilities and can clearly see that the affair was a bad choice.

The complexities behind human behavior are almost never black and white. The actions of the person may seem that way, but in the case of someone who hasn't 'developed properly,' as you might put it, are then just symptoms of a larger underlying issue.

Within the context being used here, what you're calling "cowardice" is not a premeditated action. It's a reaction to feelings or problems the acting party may not even be consciously aware of.

I'm sorry but an affair is a choice and choices do not fall under the category 'not a premeditated action'.

The problem with your argument is that it is an enabling mindset that only helps the WS avoid responsibility and blame shift. Like it or not, he/she had options before the start of the affair.

So the word cowardice still applies when it comes to WS and OP.

May 28, 2011

You're right, you don't know me.

I don't need to. I know your words, and those are what I based my response on. Humans are different and unique, but their behavior isn't.

Was my thinking or logic flawed regarding the whole situation? You're god damned right it was, that was sort of the point of my entire post.

Good to hear. Look, I know you've been through something hard, but does your anger exist because she didn't choose you, or because you had no business getting involved with a married woman? Two different things.

The world is full of flawed people who spend their entire lives justifying it.

May 28, 2011

The complexities behind human behavior are almost never black and white.

It sounds like you have been in therapy with an incompetent therapist.

All you are doing is making lame excuses for bad behavior.

Your not taking responsibility for your actions.

May 29, 2011

The world is full of flawed people who spend their entire lives justifying it

That is one aspect about human nature that amuses me, the inability for some people to just say "This is on me. This is my fault. I'll accept the consequences. I've learnt from my mistakes and I don't intend on placing myself in this situation again".

When I skipped days off school as a teen, I never said "It's the teacher's fault because he makes his classes so boring". And I know students that would have said that

I guess it's when an individual has too much or not enough of an ego that their rationality, open mindedness, and introspective capabilities are impaired. And the thing about an effed up ego is that it can prevent you from realising that you have a "problem". I'm sure we all know at least one person like this in real life.

Believe me, I have experience. My mother is basically this trope incarnate.

Edited May 29, 2011 by OldOnTheInside

May 29, 2011

The whole thing just fascinates me. I read and read and read about it just trying to understand why. What makes people enter into an affair.

I can actually understand the cheating spouses logic. They think they are never going to get caught, they are looking for a little extra fun on the side and an escape from day to day family life of kids, household chores, bills to pay etc.

I think often man it would be a nice escape to just "play" single sometimes and go back to the younger days of no responsibility but I know I just am not cut out for that kind of escape.

What fascinates me though is what does the "other" person get out of it?
What would ever make them want the affair lifestyle? There are so many people to fall in love with. Wouldn't you protect yourself from the married ones? I guess I don't believe that love just happens.

I'm hoping one day to understand what people see in someone who goes home to a family every night but honestly I just don't think I will ever get it. Maybe I should stop trying to understand and just say it makes no sense.

I guess the first thing I'd respond with is that you don't just go around falling in love with people. I spent 20 years between the first man I fell in love with and my xMM. More than half I was single for. I dated quite a bit and I never fell in love with any of them. You don't see someone and zone in and say ohhhh I think I'll fall in love with them! You don't pick and choose who you fall in love with if you did then there wouldn't be people making fortunes from dating sites.

I don't think the majority of people who get involved with married people are looking to get anything out of it. I think they get into it and there are a myriad of reasons they stay. Everyone else has listed all of the reasons already. All except 1. Sometimes you fall in love with someone who isn't in the situation you want them to be in. You fall in love and you look at the situation and you assess where you are and where it's going. You say am I happy right now? You continually reassess and ask. When the time comes that you're not happy you need to jump. I did this with xMM. I loved him and we had a wonderful R. One day it was harder to be with him than without and I left. Would I change what I did not on your life. I never intended to have an R with a MM but it happened and I drew some wonderful things from it. When I was done with it I left but it didn't mean I stopped loving him or regretted a second of our time together.

May 29, 2011

I stopped loving him or regretted a second of our time together.

I bet his wife did though.

See THAT's the 'affair dynamic'. Unmitigated selfishness. Not one word in this post about her, or the actions/reasons of her cheating, lying, betraying husband. How can any relationship be 'wonderful' when it's based on lies?

So, we have our answer. It's all about me. Me, me, me.

Loving, production and happy lives are not lived this way. A life with no honor is an empty life.

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The affair dynamic

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