Setting boundries and tolerance

[plasma]

Good morning!

 

this is a major weakness area for me in relationships, im too laid back and subsequently i subject myself to being a doormat and or let people run rampant through my life, you figure at my age id be more acute to this behavior.

 

what or were can i begin to learn to set up and solidify these boundries starting now, it wont happen overnight but i do need to keep people away from my center, my descision making,planning are all skewed because lack of boundries or weak ones.

 

any help is appreciated

 

 

thanks all

[chucksagent]

Plasma,

 

Trust me...Take it from someone who is also laid back and has made these SAME mistakes...You HAVE to set boundries...early and often.

 

Sometimes I think my current girlfriend (we were good friends first) thinks "What happened to the guy I knew?" But friends and lovers are very different.

 

Everybody has different amounts of tolerance for certain types of behavior. If you want to be comrotable in a relationship, it's important you convey what you will tolerate early on and honestly to your significant other.

 

I.e. Is texting people of the opposite sex ok? Is remaining friends with an ex ok? Is going out with friends and getting plastered ok?

 

See to me, the answer to all 3 would be no. I don't care if a girl or people call me controlling or whatever it is. Real simple - if you want to be with me, those 3 things are a no-no...And you know what, I'm no hypocrit, I don't do any of those things either. OBVIOUSLY there are exceptions...if it's for a specific purpose and you NEED to text...but no texting just to text...too intimate of a thing and should be reserved for family and a loved one. But that's neither here nor there.

 

A lot of people early in a relationship (honeymoon phase) will ignore things that bother them and not saying anything. This is dangerous and unhealthy because TRUST ME the honeymoon phase will end, and ALL OF THIS CRAP will just come pouring out.

 

I.e. My ex and I had our honeymoon phase RIGHT when football season started. Well, I truly wanted to spend every waking moment with her then. Plus, with her job, I was still able to watch a lot of football. BUT I also GAVE UP a lot of football watching to be with her. Fast Forward a year and we are living together...all the football I watched was a REAL PROBLEM for her. That's a Prime Example of what happens when you don't set boundries up front.

 

If you really care about eachother, think they are worthy of a future, you have to be smart and plan accordingly.

[Cee]

Here's a hodge podge of tips.

 

Setting a boundary is learning a new habit. It is going to feel uncomfortable and unpleasant at first, but it gets easier.

 

A lot of people set boundaries, but don't enforce them. You have to enforce the boundaries and say no. And forgive yourself if you slip up. If you were on a diet and ate an entire pizza, you wouldn't completely give up. You'd start again. So if you cross a boundary, it's okay. Start over.

 

Another tip in setting boundaries is to not be in a relationship for a while. Then you have time to become stronger within yourself.

 

A friend taught me a trick. Never say "Yes" right away. Instead say, "I'll think about it and get back to you." That will protect you from falling into the trap of being too laid back. This tip takes practice, but it works.

 

Hope this helps. I am terrible with boundaries and am trying to get better, too.

[betterdeal]

Boundaries are so important to me. And like you, I have had a lot of trouble defining them but, at the tender age of 37, I know a lot about where mine are than ever. Just remember that boundaries are not like walls. You can move a boundary, you can let people cross it, and you can enforce it by a number of ways. Walls you cannot.

 

I've found that paying more attention to how I feel and formulating my words and actions with that in mind helps me define my boundaries and, importantly, get the best out of each situation. Contrary to many books, I believe that can mean saying one thing one day and doing another the next. You might be faced with a manipulative person who won't accept "no" for answer, for example.

 

It's what we say to ourselves that matters. If I'm not sure how I feel about something, I pay attention to my body. What's my breathing like? Is it short? Am I sweating? Are my muscles tense? Our subconscious (where all our emotions originate) has more control over our bodies than it does over our words. So I use how my body reacts to things as a guide to how I really feel.

 

I've done a lot better by reading up on assertiveness techniques - ways to get my needs across to others clearly, precisely and without being aggressive or quiet. Using this in non-romantic relationships - such as phoning to complain about a broken phone to the phone company, or asking my employer for a change of conditions - has born fruit and made me feel good. Even when I don't get the ideal outcome, I know I have tried well and the outcome I have got has been down to the other person's decision not to give me what I wanted rather than a lack of trying on my part.

 

I've also noticed I am highly suggestible when I am with people I trust. I guess some of that has been because I used to have "walls" not "boundaries" and as soon as I let someone past the walls, I had no means to discern what was right or wrong for me. I trusted them to do good things.

 

But sometimes people (everyone - me and you included) do bad things. By having flexible boundaries, I can let people close to me, trust them, but also rely on my own feelings, and as I get to know them better I can work out who I can trust more than others. To give someone deep trust is to give them a lot of responsibility, so we need to be confident they won't do, say or suggest things that harm us. For example, I met my hypnotherapist a few times before I felt comfortable entering into a suggestive state with her.

 

This is a good way to reduce the amount of harmful things that happen in the first place (choose your friends wisely) and the fact you are in charge of your thoughts and feelings means when people do harmful things, you know you have been harmed and that is the first step to correcting the harm.

 

Hope this helps.

Edited May 30, 2011 by betterdeal

[plasma]

alot of food for thought here, looks like its definatly going on the " to do " list of stuff to work on