P&R Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 Is this normal? My girlfriend is obsessed with keeping secrets from me. No this isn't about cheating. She'll pick up a random hobby just so I won't know about it. I found out about a hobby that she picked up she said Guh! I want to have secrets, you know too much about me! (Her hobby that she picked up was nothing out of the ordinary). Another thing she said (and her best friend+family) that she is known for doing is disapearing for long stretches of time. She won't tell anybody where she's going and they'll lose contact with her. She hasn't done it while we've been in the relationship but if it does happen how would I handle it?
seibert253 Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 Can't tell you how to handle this, but I can tell you how I would: Get a new girlfriend. Keeps secrets from you; untrustworthy. Disappears with no decernably explaination; a flake. Next her IMO.
Pianiste Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 I find it a bit odd she has such an obsession with secrets. As if she can't function if she doesn't have any. Is it in a playful way? Anyways, I don't think you can say a person with secrets is untrutsworthy per se. As for the dissapearing thing, well you can't really judge until she actually dissapears. How long have you two been together? I wouldn't let the story alone scare me away. I'd have to experience it before I'd take that into the equation.
utterer of lies Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 I find it a bit odd she has such an obsession with secrets. As if she can't function if she doesn't have any. Is it in a playful way? Anyways, I don't think you can say a person with secrets is untrutsworthy per se. One explanation might be that she's very insecure and is afraid that you will be bored once you know 'all of her'. And the disappearing might be her getting validation from random strangers.
Cee Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 ^ That's a good point. Insecurity might be driving her behavior. I would add that she might asserting her independence and autonomy from you by having a separate, "secret" life. It sounds a bit immature to me, but I think a lot of us have hangups. Whether this is one that you can laugh off, I'm not sure. If you don't feed into her secret obsession and show no interest in them, maybe she'll open up or drop the game altogether. As for the disappearing act, that's disrespectful. I would tell her to cut it out the next time she does it.
2sunny Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 when people have nothing to hide = they hide nothing. i wouldn't even be friends with someone like that - much less date them.
welikeincrowds Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 Did you see the "relationship styles" thread? This reminds me of the description in there of an "avoidant" person. The idea is that they perceive intimacy as a weakness and so try to distance themselves from it. It sounds like **** to me, but apparently it's just a "style" -- so maybe you should just let it go?
Cee Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 I don't know. Some people are more private. I had a boyfriend who would close the door when he listened to his answering machine. And he wouldn't talk about certain topics. Although he was too open about other things. One time, he showed me the kidney stone fragments he was catching through a sieve
denise_xo Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 That sounds very high maintenance, and quite immature...
sanskrit Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 Does she have a history of anorexia or especially bulimia? If so, get out now and don't look back.
627 Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 I'm a guy, but I like my privacy, I bet there are hundreds of stuff I would keep from my girlfriend(if I get one ) I have some habbits or hobbies that I like and I do not want to hear comments or opinions about, nor am I willing to share. I also feel that it gives me some space and some freedome to still be an independant individual... anyway why do you want to know everything about everything in the first place?
Author P&R Posted May 27, 2011 Author Posted May 27, 2011 Does she have a history of anorexia or especially bulimia? If so, get out now and don't look back. Nope. She just hides little things such as classes she's taking. For example she hid the fact that she was taking a class at the rec center. I was always wondering why she was never avalible on Mondays, because I always had a free schedule that day. It turns out it was because of this class... which is fine by me, I just don't get why she had to keep it a secret. When I found out she said in a playful way "dang it! You know to much about me now I need to find another secret". It does seem like she is getting a little uncomfortable with the fact I know who she is very well. As far what you said, CEE I believe you might be right. She doesn't ever want to rely on anybody. She is very independent, headstrong and prideful. I wish she would LEAN on me sometimes, and let me take care of her. I wish she would just be a little dependent... As far as what the utterer of lies said, she does not need male validation... She never seeks it and it almost seems like she could care less now that she's in a relationship. She also has never had sex before (she's a virgin). Even before she was in one she was never really seeking out male validation.
vsmini Posted May 28, 2011 Posted May 28, 2011 I can understand some people wanting to maintain some mystery but she sounds kind of off her rocker. And people saying she disappears for long stretches of time is major red flag.
Author P&R Posted May 28, 2011 Author Posted May 28, 2011 I can understand some people wanting to maintain some mystery but she sounds kind of off her rocker. And people saying she disappears for long stretches of time is major red flag. she hasnt done it while in she's been in a relationship with me. She disapears to get away from people.
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