bikinibeach Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 Am I unreasonable/ irrationally jealous/ controlling for not wanting my boyfriend to have a weekly platonic dinner date with his ex (also his "best friend") AS WELL AS one more weeknight spent drinking tea, eating her cooking and listening to music at her apartment?? he says he can't see her less than 2 nights a week, his life will be considerably less happy...? we have been fighting about this forever, she knows and has done NOTHING to show her support for our relationship. so when i said, "OK maybe i could be okay with my boyfriend spending his time and money taking someone he wanted to marry 3 years ago on dates every week IF i could come!" he said, "of course you could! but really, would you want to?" he is 26, i'm 28. we've been together 5 months and it has been GREAT .............when we weren't fighting about his ex who he claims is his "best friend". she is single. neither of them has been able to sustain a relationship with someone else since they "broke up". they DO NOT have kids together...were in a relationship for 2 years that was sexless 3 months in but strong friendship. they've been "broken up" for 2 years now but considering their relationship was sexless, the only thing that changed was they don't live together and waste people's time dating here and there. the first two months into our relationship, he was seeing her 3-4 times a week before i started to be bothered by it. in the beginning, he invited her and whatever guy she was seeing (never lasted, of course) out with us and mutual friends. so things were okay between us BUT... for someone who is supposed to be his best friend, she was cordial to me but uninterested. my guy would try to engage her in a conversation about something cool about me and she would smile vacantly and not answer or gaze off and became "distracted". she also has not invited me to their get togethers, or reached out to me even when my guy was devastated that we had broken up over this issue. apparently though, she did say, "aww...that's sad you guys broke up i've never seen you smile like that with anyone"..................followed up by more inaction... and don't those words sound a tiny bit bitter to anyone? :mad:we broke up when i told him i wasn't okay with his this. i had asked if he would be able to keep her in his life, but not on on such a frequent, involved basis (ie: not going on weekly dates with another girl when he could be spending his time and money on dates with me, platonic or not!). he said, "maybe but not anytime soon" i said "why not"? and he brought up his ongoing defense that she is depressed and a sad person and he feels responsible for her happiness and they are each others besties. he said he MIGHT be able to ease off in a bit because she seems to be happier with summer now here. i sarcastically said "so...when winter comes around and she decides she needs you over at her house comforting her at 11pm again, you'll go right back on over?" he shrugs and said "if that's what it takes". ...lol he likens it to my not being liberated, mature or "european" enough to understand. he says he wishes i would be more like MY good friend (who is a polyamorous married lesbian in love with orgies...ahem) am i irrational and crazy? he is very convincing and i am confused
vsmini Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 I've stated this a few times in other threads but I have a very firm rule and it works for me just fine (and no, i don't regret missing out on opportunities because of it) I will not date a guy that still has his ex in the picture. Period. Call it immature, call it controlling, call it whatever you want. She's still around...then I am not. I'm sure some guys and their ex's can make it work....yada yada yada but I'm not risking the Bullsh*t that accompanies 99% of those cases. Your case is especially odd because not only is she in the picture - she is VERY much in the picture....seriously? He sees her that much? Why did they even break up in the first place then? Huge red flag and the fact that it's causing you so much anxiety and to fight so much is bad. Head out honey and don't look back on it.
diablodude64 Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 No offense but he sounds like a moron... I have no other way of putting it.. But why the hell if he is with you, would he be willing to do whatever for his ex? That's BS.
welikeincrowds Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 The worst part is that he actually thinks this is maturity, and has the nerve to call you out on it. ****ing 26 year olds. "Can you really be friends with an ex?" is not even really the most significant issue here. You made the right decision before. I strongly suggest you leave this moron and find someone who actually wants you to be the #1 woman in his life.
vsmini Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 My ex had a female best friend that he had been friends with since they were 12. He's 25 now. Their relationship was just weird. She would order him around and she would get upset if he couldn't come out and hang out with her or if he wanted to go home early. Once I caught him lying to her about me (he would tell her he was someplace else when really he was with me) I got on his case and that was the beginning of the end. I don't think anything romantic was going on between the two of them - she just had very silly control issues and he was a spineless toad. I was always so anxious over that - glad to be rid of him. Get rid of this guy. Do not feel like you have the issue because you want to be the #1 girl in his life. You are his GIRLFRIEND...well...soon to be ex once you move on from this guy.
diablodude64 Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 agreed. Dump his ass. He has no right to being with someone who actually wants him.
sanskrit Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 This stops instantly or instant dump, really nothing else to say.
nothappyjan Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 Seriously could this guy sound any WORSE basically you are in 3 person relationship. Dump his asssss
shadowofman Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 I would feel the same way he does, but I have to see at least three of my ex girl friends. Plus I don't do well with anyone telling me what I can and cant do. I think you should dump him and save him the hassle of pussy footing around your insecurities. You can't change him but through manipulation, and that will lead to resentment.
vsmini Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 "He says he wishes I could be more like MY good friend." Well there you go - he doesn't like you the way you are. I don't know what this guy's deal is - I wish I could dump him for you. I held onto a guy for WAY too long when he was letting another girl get in the picture too much and I always regret staying with him for as long as i did. This is a bad situation. Get out.
oaks Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 he says he can't see her less than 2 nights a week, his life will be considerably less happy...? It sounds like he's still dating her, whatever he calls it. Options include: Dump him.Tell him he can only have 1 girlfriend (he'll probably dump you).Live with it. I don't have a problem with remaining friends with exes, but not to that extent!
vsmini Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 I would feel the same way he does, but I have to see at least three of my ex girl friends. Plus I don't do well with anyone telling me what I can and cant do. I think you should dump him and save him the hassle of pussy footing around your insecurities. You can't change him but through manipulation, and that will lead to resentment. I agree about you not wanting to be told what you can or cannot do. OP - I think it's best to voice your opinion (which you have)the guy can either agree or disagree, continue or stop the behavior. No need to stick around and shout. If it's not up to your liking then peacefully leave.
shadowofman Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 Then we all agree. There is no reason for you to continue to "deal" with this. And there is no reason in the world he should have to change his behavior. Even if you were to leave him, and he comes crawling back saying that he will change, I wouldn't accept it. He doesn't want to change. Such a situation can be considered manipulation and he will resent it. Chalk it up to incompatibility.
Eeyore79 Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 I will not date a guy that still has his ex in the picture. Period. Agreed - dating a guy whose ex is still hanging around just isn't worth the drama and hassle. Being Facebook friends is ok, but any kind of regular personal contact is unacceptable, especially if they're spending time alone together. If you're ready to move on to a new relationship you leave the old one behind you, end of story. Your boyfriend is being extremely disrespectful to you and your relationship by maintaining this closeness with his ex - it's essentially an emotional affair. He won't stop seeing her, so it seems the only thing you can do is dump him, which I would advise doing right away.
shadowofman Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 Your boyfriend is being extremely disrespectful to you and your relationship by maintaining this closeness with his ex - it's essentially an emotional affair That's an opinion and not reality. I don't see how in the world anything of the sort is disrespectful, but that's my opinion too.
Author bikinibeach Posted May 27, 2011 Author Posted May 27, 2011 you guys are so supportive and helpful- THANKYOU! a) you were right, he did essentially choose her b) he has no friends other than ugly, socially awkward girls who had crushes on him that he turned down and now strings along as his personal ego harem, lives in his parents house, is slightly overweight, and has not been able to hold a job for more than 3 months (bye bye 15 dollars an hour! lol) ....WHAT A CATCH!!) c) he cheated on this girl emotionally when THEY were together by bitching and complaining about her to this girl that is also a "best friend" that he used to make out with. this girl now hates his ex (then girlfriend) and he is still friends with her d) you don't have to dump him for me!! i am finally soooo glad to be rid of him, and HER! trust me. after we broke up for good (monday) i went complete no contact. he has been calling and texting how he loves me and wants to make things right blah blah blah. finally yesterday he said, haven't heard from you in 3 days, now i'm just worried can you at least text me that you're ok and don't want to talk?? like a fool, i took that bait (i could fathom a bit of concern on his part, i've been suicidal on and off since my mom died.......but i felt that genuine concern was not the motive) still, foolishly, i replied back "hi! been pretty busy lately. no need to worry ; )" he then toook that as an in to start the conversation again
Author bikinibeach Posted May 27, 2011 Author Posted May 27, 2011 ..i've continued ignoring him. i can't change my number, i've applied for a few awesome jobs lately. should i keep ignoring him?? i think he wants to feel like i am over here devastated over losing him and his needy b1tch of an ex and his weird girl ego harem.
vsmini Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 you guys are so supportive and helpful- THANKYOU! a) you were right, he did essentially choose her b) he has no friends other than ugly, socially awkward girls who had crushes on him that he turned down and now strings along as his personal ego harem, lives in his parents house, is slightly overweight, and has not been able to hold a job for more than 3 months (bye bye 15 dollars an hour! lol) ....WHAT A CATCH!!) c) he cheated on this girl emotionally when THEY were together by bitching and complaining about her to this girl that is also a "best friend" that he used to make out with. this girl now hates his ex (then girlfriend) and he is still friends with her d) you don't have to dump him for me!! i am finally soooo glad to be rid of him, and HER! trust me. after we broke up for good (monday) i went complete no contact. he has been calling and texting how he loves me and wants to make things right blah blah blah. finally yesterday he said, haven't heard from you in 3 days, now i'm just worried can you at least text me that you're ok and don't want to talk?? like a fool, i took that bait (i could fathom a bit of concern on his part, i've been suicidal on and off since my mom died.......but i felt that genuine concern was not the motive) still, foolishly, i replied back "hi! been pretty busy lately. no need to worry ; )" he then toook that as an in to start the conversation again Just because he starts up conversations doesn't mean you have to respond to them if it's not what you want. If you are breaking up with him it should be clean and done with. Don't bait each other or start feeding each other's egos. If he has an issue he can go to his best friend.
Author bikinibeach Posted May 27, 2011 Author Posted May 27, 2011 That's an opinion and not reality. I don't see how in the world anything of the sort is disrespectful, but that's my opinion too. ....are you kidding? you must either enjoy the single life or dating women with no self respect. i completely agree- disrespectful. wish i had realized earlier and not argued with him over it, just left.
vsmini Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 ....are you kidding? you must either enjoy the single life or dating women with no self respect. i completely agree- disrespectful. wish i had realized earlier and not argued with him over it, just left. I think it's a matter of different viewpoints and I think each stance has validity. I can understand the innocent part of a guy/girl wanting to be friends with an ex and I can understand how the new GF/BF would have issues with that. Think of it as this - There are people you want to date and there are a whole list of reasons of what your personal deal breakers are. Say someone won't date someone they think is out of shape or unattractive - that's their thing.....they have a right to it....they can opt out of dating them but they don't really have a right to demand that the person get in shape or lose weight. It's a personality thing and you can either accept it or you don't - can't bother with trying to change. You did the right thing by breaking it off.
Author bikinibeach Posted May 27, 2011 Author Posted May 27, 2011 thanks i really appreciate your input!!
Author bikinibeach Posted May 27, 2011 Author Posted May 27, 2011 OH AND JUST A WARNING FOR ALL THE LADIES OUT THERE WHO MIGHT RUN INTO GUYS LIKE THIS IN THE FUTURE:: i asked him what he learned from this and he answered: not to tell the next person he dates about his relationship with his ex....!!! he said the two of them decided not to tell anyone that they have dated. dirty, eh??
vsmini Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 OH AND JUST A WARNING FOR ALL THE LADIES OUT THERE WHO MIGHT RUN INTO GUYS LIKE THIS IN THE FUTURE:: i asked him what he learned from this and he answered: not to tell the next person he dates about his relationship with his ex....!!! he said the two of them decided not to tell anyone that they have dated. dirty, eh?? Well I'm sure that will work out smoothly. His next girlfriend (no matter how secure she is) may ask him how he knows this best friend, how they met...yada yada yada - he'll probably OMIT the part about them being in a relationship - she'll be fine with that and then she'll find out eventually. She'll be upset and have trust issues with him and suspect foul play/cheating on his part since he omitted that. (I'm guessing) Yea - great plan. My ex was a big on the omitting. He didn't lie, he just didn't tell me or other people about certain (big, not small) things. Boy - twist it around any way you want but at the end of the day...SHADY.
NoReallyThatHappened Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 Ah! I've been there. Run like the wind. He's not worth it. There are PLENTY of men out there who are not crazy. In case you still wondered, you are not crazy at all. You are totally normal to expect that he not have this kind of relationship. Don't be a doormat anymore.
NoReallyThatHappened Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 Well I'm sure that will work out smoothly. His next girlfriend (no matter how secure she is) may ask him how he knows this best friend, how they met...yada yada yada - he'll probably OMIT the part about them being in a relationship - she'll be fine with that and then she'll find out eventually. She'll be upset and have trust issues with him and suspect foul play/cheating on his part since he omitted that. (I'm guessing) Yea - great plan. My ex was a big on the omitting. He didn't lie, he just didn't tell me or other people about certain (big, not small) things. Boy - twist it around any way you want but at the end of the day...SHADY. Again, my ex did this. The girl he dated before me told him he couldn't sustain the relationship with his other ex and maintain a relationship. So what did he do to me? Lie about it. Omit the part where he dated her. I was still able to figure it out. I'm sure he'll lie to the next girl too.
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