RacerXYZ Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 Have been married to the girl who I thought was the love of my life for 12 years. Have 3 kids age 6 - 12. The first few years we were together, I would wake up next to her every day and tell her "I am the luckiest guy in the world". She was beautiful and full of life. I was never happier in my life. But then 8 years ago, she had an affair. Once I found out, I kicked her out of the house, but let her come back the next day (I know, huge mistake). I loved her so much, I just wanted her back. We never went to MC, and the last 8 years we have been more like roommates then married. But when I think back to the good times, I thought if I could just hang in there a little longer, we can get back to where we once were. And of course she fed right into that. She has been battling depression for about 8 years also, and those meds haven't helped our sex life, which pretty much went away after the affair. She is a SAHM and spends most of her time on the computer, and has been secretly meeting other guys for about 2 years. Last summer, she decided she needed to 'go visit her dad in Florida' for a few weeks. When she got back, she started sleeping on the couch and has been there ever since. In December, we had a talk and decided that neither one of us was getting anything out of the marriage, and we decided to separate. Because of finances and the 3 kids, we agreed to both stay in the house and try to live as normal a life as possible until we could afford another place for one of us to move into, and to ease the kids into it. One of the 'rules of separation' was we were free to do as we please with no consequences, as long as the kids didn't see it. I am busy with work, friends and hobbies and have not dated or even looked for anything like that. She is on several dating websites and has been with at least 4 guys since we separated. Most weekend she is going out partying, sometimes she tells me the truth about where she is going, other times she lies. Now she is going out during the week with a new guy, and she comes home right before I have to leave for work in the morning. The house is a mess, she is making dinner less often, and spends alot of time outside on the phone while the kids are doing homework etc. Since I am the only one working, it is getting me PO'd that I am putting gas in her car so she can go hook up with other guys. Her mom and her sister are both telling me to drop her like a hot potato, she uses guys up and gets rid of them. So here I am, hating to be in my own house when she is here, and I just want her out. When she is 'out', the kids and I have a great time, no matter what we are doing. And often I will go away with the kids for the weekend, and they are so good with me. When they are here with her, they tend to fight alot. I can take care of the kids, have plenty of family (hers and mine) to let me work and make sure the kids are OK. I told her that within the week, we need to decide what we are gonna do about the house (which we are most likely gonna have to sell) and start the divorce. My question is, how do I get her to leave? I still do love her, but also realize that she is a lost cause. Her dating and spending the night with other guys is more than I can handle. If she was gone, at least I wouldn't know that she never came home last night. I need her gone so I can get on with my life!!! HELP!!!!
Author RacerXYZ Posted May 27, 2011 Author Posted May 27, 2011 I wish it was that simple. The first time I kicked her out was easy. It was right after I found out she was having an affair, and she thought she still wanted to be with the OM. She was happy to go, at least for the first night. Then she realized what she did and begged to get back here quick. Right now, this current guy is just another notch on her belt, definitely not the kind of guy she wants in the long run (drinking problem, lives in an apartment over a bar, his kids have a restraining order against him, no car because of a DUI). We live in a beautiful house on a quiet street in the suburbs, the perfect place to raise our kids. She knows if she leaves this time, she is not coming back. And her family is not an option, they don't want her living with them either.
seibert253 Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 Yes it is that simple. Stop making excuses. Dude I hate to be blunt, but you are an avoider and an enabler. It's time you man up, (I actually hate that phrase). Tell her you will no longer fund her escapes. She needs to get a job and start planning her move because you are filing for D. Then do so Or you can continue to do nothing.
PegNosePete Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 Get a lawyer, line up your ducks and file for divorce. Yes it is that simple. Don't think about it, don't threaten it, don't talk about it. DO it.
robf1971 Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 Get a lawyer, line up your ducks and file for divorce. Yes it is that simple. Don't think about it, don't threaten it, don't talk about it. DO it. Yep, OP is allowing himself to be a victim
Surfer203 Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 Some times they don't know what they have or appreciate it. It is amazing the kind of losers these women go to. Mine certainly picked a real f***ing loser, waste of line, pathetic freeloader. She will see the error in her ways and it will be too late and you guys have children, that is so sad. Misguided, misplaced priorities - the live she is living gets a person no where and is not truly fulfilling, totally empty.
Downtown Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 Racer, I agree with PegNosePete that you are best off in just seeing the lawyer and doing it. For the first time in her life, your W needs to be allowed to suffer the logical consequences of her own actions. Like me, you have been an excessive caregiver, taking care of four kids instead of three. And, if your suspicions about your W having BPD are correct, she likely is the youngest of the bunch, having an emotional development of 3 or 4 years of age. Thanks for posting in GreenEyedRebel's thread to let us know you found it so helpful to see the information on BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). If you have not already done so, you may want to read about Inigo and his BPDer exGF at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=2826453#post2826453. Likewise, Cyanogen's BPDer experience is described at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=3417491#post3417491. And you can easily find two dozen similar BPDer stories by following any of my posts by clicking on my name to the left. Because divorcing a BPDer is going to get nasty very quickly, I strongly recommend that you obtain tips and advice -- as well as emotional support -- from the guys at BPDfamily.com. That forum is the largest and most active BPD site targeted exclusively at Nons like you and me (i.e., the nonBPD spouses and partners). It is so large that there are about nine separate message boards addressing various issues. The two boards most useful to you likely will be the "Leaving" board and the "Raising a Child when One Parent Has BPD." At the same website, there is an excellent article about surviving the breakup at http://www.bpdfamily.com/tools/articles9.htm. The dozen other articles are good too. Finally, to avoid running into the arms of another woman just like the one you are leaving, I suggest you read Codependent No More and Schreiber's article at http://gettinbetter.com/needlove.html. If you have any questions about those articles, I would be glad to try to answer them. Meanwhile, please start taking care of yourself for a change, Caregiver.
jaymz Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 Some times they don't know what they have or appreciate it. It is amazing the kind of losers these women go to. Mine certainly picked a real f***ing loser, waste of line, pathetic freeloader. She will see the error in her ways and it will be too late and you guys have children, that is so sad. Misguided, misplaced priorities - the live she is living gets a person no where and is not truly fulfilling, totally empty. I think one of the other guys put it better (2.5Gallen?) "Why do they trade down from a Jag to a Kia?" I dont understand it either...
What_Next Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 My lord man, unless there is some reason that I cannot understand just get a lawyer and be done with it. Why you have waited so long is beyond me. Yes you made a TERRIBLE mistake after her first affair by not dealing with it properly, however she is a serial cheater and she does not deserve to be your wife. Go for FULL custody of the kids, normally I would NOT recommend this but get a pitbull of a lawyer and FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT!
Mauschen Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 Also be sure to document everything she does. And read Winning with Evidence, Child Custody A to Z by Guy White. Since she is a SAHM, the courts are likely to give her the majority of the parenting time with you paying alimony and child support. If you have hard evidence of her lifestyle, and you can appear as the primary parent to the children, you may get a lot more parenting time than her. Do ALL of this documentation BEFORE you kick her out. Key log her computer, record her phone conversations with voice activated recorders, and document her abilities as a mother. Then, move her out and she can enjoy her life alone and you can move on with your life.
Author RacerXYZ Posted May 27, 2011 Author Posted May 27, 2011 Thanks for all of your replies. All I can say is that I have been in a fog over this for a long time, and kept clinging to the dream of what we could have had here as a family. Every other part of my life is fantastic. The 3 kids are amazing, and I am about to knock their world upside down. But in reality, they see us as roommates now anyway, although we are not fighting, we show no affection towards each other at all. And they know mommy leaves the house at bedtime and doesn't come home until early morning 1 or 2 nights/week. I already got the name of a pitbull lawyer, their offices are closed for the holiday, I will contact her on Tuesday. When she left the other night to see her new guy, I told her that I had to leave early for work in the morning, and she needed to be home by a certain time. Told her that if she wasn't home in time, just go back to him and stay there for good. She just laughed and said 'like you'll ever get me out of this house'. The BPD thread is so accurate, I wonder if whoever wrote it is living here somewhere. There is so much childish behavior, so much mind control, so much twisting of the facts to make her mistakes into my mistakes. And she can look me in the eye and lie with the best of them. As far as keylogging goes, she is tech savvy would see that in an instant. I can check the call log on her cell phone, but cannot record anything. She never uses the house phone. There is so much more I could tell you behavior-wise, but I think you get the idea. Her mom and her sister, who she has drifted away from recently, have been a big help to me in keeping me informed of what she is really up to. Her friends are considering an intervention with her because of her destructive behavior. Everyone 'in the know' will be happy that I am finally taking this step.
Author RacerXYZ Posted May 30, 2011 Author Posted May 30, 2011 Downtown, Thanks for the BPD links!!! I had never heard of that until you relpied, and spent the last few days reading all about it. I sent the links to her mom and sister and we all agree that is the correct diagnosis. At least now I have an explanation and understanding of what I am dealing with here. And there is nothing I can do to fix it, I will just have to deal with her differently in the future. I can say the last few weeks reading this forum have been enlightening. If only I would have found something like this 8 years ago....... But the important thing is I did find it and now can proceed in moving on with my life. Thank you LS'ers
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