janinenm Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 I have a dinner tonight at the house of my boyfriend's best friend. Unfortunately, two of his exes will be there also. Both of them are part of his circle of friends and have been for a long time since they all went to college together. He isn't close with either any more but sees them quite frequently whenever there are group get-togethers. One of them I am not the slightest bit worried about. But the other is a different story...she has attempted to contact him multiple times, tried to call him twice, left him a private message on facebook, and texted twice. And those are just the contact attempts I know about. I'm convinced she is trying to get him back and I feel like it's very disrespectful for her to keep trying to initiate contact with him when she knows he's had a new girlfriend for months now. This will be the first time I meet her and I'm slightly nervous. What should my plan of attack be? Should I kill her with kindness? Be cold? I'm very tempted to make a point of being very pda with my boyfriend, as juvenile as that would be. I know I should be the bigger man so to speak, but she's not exactly my favourite person given her past conduct.
vsmini Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 Don't engage with her much. Just be kind and civil. If she is initiating contact so much he should be keeping it short and to the point. My cardinal rule is to not date those that keep in contact with their ex or let their ex keep in constant contact with them. Creates too much tension and unease. Don't be fake with her. You have no need to be. Don't be nasty to her either. Just kind, simple, as if you barely notice her.
surfrider4284 Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 the best way to be around these kind of people is to be polite, BUT, pay them no attention, don't laugh at their jokes, act/think how much better you are than them, pity them. If you can do that with some politeness mixed in, they'll know they are being put in their place without you coming across like a jackass.
Arasae Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 "Love your enemies--it pisses them off!" How do you want to come across to her and to your man? Do you want to seem cool, classy, nice, maybe someone she would feel guilty attempting to steal from? Or do you want to seem bitchy, needy, and insecure? If you are super nice, make an effort to chat with her, and give her genuine compliments, you will seem like the former. If you make a point to grope him, are super affectionate, and pester him, it will be the latter and you will risk annoying him and his other friends. So.. Pick your battles. I had a similar situation a few nights ago where I wanted to know if someone there was his ex. Instead of asking, "who is that leviathon in gray?" as my juvenile self wanted to, I complimented the design of her skirt to my man. I got a very gracious answer from him and it paid dividends. As much fun as it might seem to do the PDA thing, it can do more harm than good.
D-Lish Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 Oh man, kill her with kindness, no doubt about it. Be clear that she's poised to dislike you- which will make her advances on him justifiable from her end. Don't ignore her, make yourself real to her, establish your presence! I once dated a guy that had dated every single one of the single females in his friend group- that first night meeting some of them was daunting... I totally won them over, and they me! Pretend you know nothing, treat her like you're meeting a total stranger with no ties to you bf, and be charming and accomodating. The more she likes you, the less apt she is to meddle in your courtship. Show no weakness, jealousy, etc. Hell yeah, kill her with kindness- you aren't "real" to her as of yet, so make yourself real, and real cool...
welikeincrowds Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 Oh man, kill her with kindness, no doubt about it. Be clear that she's poised to dislike you- which will make her advances on him justifiable from her end. Don't ignore her, make yourself real to her, establish your presence! I once dated a guy that had dated every single one of the single females in his friend group- that first night meeting some of them was daunting... I totally won them over, and they me! Pretend you know nothing, treat her like you're meeting a total stranger with no ties to you bf, and be charming and accomodating. The more she likes you, the less apt she is to meddle in your courtship. Show no weakness, jealousy, etc. Hell yeah, kill her with kindness- you aren't "real" to her as of yet, so make yourself real, and real cool... +1000, awesome advice. This is social grace. I'd say it's about "keeping your enemies closer" but that's not quite accurate, because she's not your competition. You're meeting new friendly acquaintances, OP! Just be your normal, brave, charming, interested self and you will do famously.
Mrlonelyone Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 Let me remind you of a simple fact that will put this in perspective. For most of human history we lived in what we would regard as small towns ("cities" of say 20 -40,000 people at most). In pre history we lived in small bands. Everyone knew everyone. For that reason exes were always in contact yet people survived. They knew how to respect boundaries and had better social skills than most people now a days. Handel it like you were living in a small town or a tribe. Be nice, be civil, do not be hostile at all (because that could reflect bad on you). Act as if you had no choice but to see these people again. If your BF is worth his salt no ammount of contact will make him stray. Why I say this. After community college I went to university in a small town. I noticed how the people there all got along. If you dated people from town guess what... your exes were going to still be in your life. There were afterall only 20-30,000 people at most. One had to learn to let bygonnes be bygonnes and get along because they were going to be around. One guy even walked up to a guy who I assume was screwing his wife and said "Well say hello to my wife for me". With a big smile and a handshake.
alphamale Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 Oh man, kill her with kindness, no doubt about it. ... oh yea thats what we should have done to osama bin ladin
threebyfate Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 Treat her like everyone else, friendly but maintain some distance. Just be careful if she's one of these "keep your enemies" close or living vicariously through your relationship types. You'll know by how she treats you if she's immediately a little too friendly.
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