vsmini Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 I never know how to handle this gracefully so I would like anyone to tell me what they prefer (as a guy) and what you do (as a girl). You're in a relationship and you're out one night with just your friends. Guys come over and start to talk to you. How soon do you mention you have a boyfriend. Often I'm never asked and questions are never presented where I could give that answer naturally. It always feels awkward for me because: A. I don't want to come off like a weird-O screaming "BOYFRIEND, I HAVE A BOYFRIEND" I'm sure many guys would be calm down girl, I'm just talking to you, I don't want to marry you - you conceited b*tch ....but then again..... B. I get the feeling many guys would rather know right off the bat so they're not "wasting" their time. They aren't wasting their time with me by talking but if they're looking for more than idle chatter (I would assume) then they will feel it's being wasted. I've heard of girls actually going out with a guy they met at a bar as "friends" and then she starts talking about her boyfriend to the guy - in the case I heard he said "eff this" - left his half of the bill and walked out. I actually thought I was out on a date with a guy - going great and then he brought up his fiance! I kid you not.
SJC2008 Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 Well if I was at a bar and talking it up with a woman I'd have no problem with her slipping it in that she has a boyfriend so I know she is not interested. However, when I am at work (auto reatail) it does piss me off if a woman mentions her bf as if I was hitting on her (although I have sucessfully gotten numbers from customers at work before lol!). Makes me want to say something stupid like "guess what bitch I have a boyfriend too and he's a navy seal and will whip your boyfriends ass" lol!
marigold7 Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 Yea that's difficult to judge, but there HAS to be some casual way to just slip it in there. could you say something like "oh yea....my boyfriend and i both like [insert favorite beer here]"? I don't know.
thatone Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 I've heard of girls actually going out with a guy they met at a bar as "friends" and then she starts talking about her boyfriend to the guy - in the case I heard he said "eff this" - left his half of the bill and walked out. as he should. there is no excuse for them going anywhere with any other man they just met alone if they're in a relationship with someone else. the 'friends' line is bullsh*t.
Author vsmini Posted May 27, 2011 Author Posted May 27, 2011 as he should. there is no excuse for them going anywhere with any other man they just met alone if they're in a relationship with someone else. the 'friends' line is bullsh*t. I don't blame that guy for a second. I guess I'll just speak up whenever. I can't tiptoe around the fact being afraid I'm going to give some guy the wrong idea.
Mrlonelyone Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 The problem is if you slip that line in too soon an experienced man will not be turned off... if he's looking for a fling. In my life women have used I have a boyfriend (or husband) to mean. I am not interested, I am taken, I am not looking for what you have. They have also used it to mean.... I am interested in a fling, I want to see if you will fear my current man should be become my ex, I need you to be discrete. Men will do the same thing too by the way. The line I have a {Significant other} has launched many an affair and made OM and OW's out of people. Long story short if you want to tell a man you are not interested just wait for him to ask you out and point blank say you are not interested. Any thing else is a mind game.
runner Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 i don't think men or women should feel obligated to mention their partners. if it comes up in converstation, then it does because it's apropos to the topic. if i was interested in possibly dating, then i'd just come out and ask if she had a boyfriend (before i actually ask for a date). and if she does, who cares; carry on with the friendly chat.
OriginalPenguin Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 You're in a relationship and you're out one night with just your friends. Maybe you and your friends could have some sort of code, where if a guy is sniffing around one of them could hop over and say something like "Hey have you heard from <boyfriend> yet?" That way it's not you blurting it out and might just get the guy to ask "Who?" I think I understand where you are coming from, a lot of guys are too dense to pick up on body language so some times you just have to be blunt.
Imajerk17 Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 Work it in to the conversation as soon as you can while still being friendly. A savvy guy will get what you are trying to do and appreciate it. If you find the guy likable enough, you could even mention "I have a friend and I wonder if you and she would get along." And yeah, what is this crap about girls going out with guys they meet at bars as "friends"? That is unfair to both her boyfriend, and if she didn't mention the bf, the other guy too. If she didn't tell him about the boyfriend, she was leading him on, and she deserves to be stuck with the bill.
NoReallyThatHappened Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 I can always throw in a BF story that is related to the conversation at hand. Dude: I heard this movie is good. Me: Yeah, my boyfriend said the same thing to me. Dude: This band is awesome. Me: Yeah, my boyfriend does/doesn't like them. Dude: I love to eat turtles. Me:.....Hmm. I wonder if my boyfriend has ever eaten a turtle? I'll have to ask. I don't think it has to be as obvious as some of these but a casual mention should be all you need. I don't think you have to beat the guy over the head with it. If it does get to the point where he wants a phone number or a date, all you have to say is "I have a boyfriend." My strategy is to avoid talking to guys at bars, that solves most problems before they start.
Mrlonelyone Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 I can't stress it enough. Simply saying you have a boyfriend is not 100% sure to get a man to back off. A man who's really not afraid of complications and has tons of confidence will view it as a challenge. Under the age of 35 tell a lie and say your BF is your husband. That will get 99.9% of men to back off. (It's still better to just say your not interested in romance with the guy they will appreciate and respect that more than this business ya'll are talking about.)
Author vsmini Posted May 27, 2011 Author Posted May 27, 2011 Yea - I'm an adult. I can just say "not interested but thank you" and that's fine. Some might get nasty but....oh well.
Mrlonelyone Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 If they get nasty that's their GD problem. However unlike what women think... men can take initial rejection. Men only get nasty if they feel led on or toyed with. That takes more interaction than many women realize.
FlowerGirly Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 Some men don't even care that I have a boyfriend, even after I tell them. They keep trying to "get somewhere".
carhill Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 Since I love to travel, when I meet female strangers I usually ask about their adventures. As IME most women who have a SO/H travel as couples, at least to pleasure destinations, 'WE' or 'MY BF/H and I' will inevitably come up. Myself, if a woman is married, I expect her to make that fact known, if not by her ring, very soon into any conversation. Most do. BF's? More nebulous, since I don't find women attractive enough to ask out on a chance meeting, generally, and BF's/GF's are or can be more transitory. What transpires before I ask a lady on a date, if anything transpires, is not any sort of 'investment' or 'sales pitch', rather just friendly banter. Why the difference? I've been burned enough by MW's, or became an unwitting tampon, to wish to avoid them altogether, even as friends. Too many bad memories. No such memories regarding ladies with BF's. Objectively, the path should be the same, regardless, but human relations are rarely objective. My personal caveats are that I *assume* a woman who has agreed to go out on a date is single. I don't grill them or look them up at the courthouse. Also, I never buy unknown women drinks or food unless on a *date*. They have their own money. Is the assumption a risk? Yes, it is, but it's aligned with my secure attachment style. I expect (and life experience has proven) that *any* woman I meet and who agrees to a date is either dating another man, is with another man or is thinking of being with/dating/reconciling with another man. I've yet to meet one exception, though they must exist somewhere. I accept that and walk the path to see what fruits it brings. One, albeit complex datapoint...
Shaun-Dro Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 Maybe you and your friends could have some sort of code, where if a guy is sniffing around one of them could hop over and say something like "Hey have you heard from <boyfriend> yet?" That way it's not you blurting it out and might just get the guy to ask "Who?" I think I understand where you are coming from, a lot of guys are too dense to pick up on body language so some times you just have to be blunt. That's a piece of horse crap! If you women would stop playing games and cut out the stupid laughing, and twirling your stringy hair around your old stubby fingers, guys would'nt feel the need to go further.
FlowerGirly Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 That's a piece of horse crap! If you women would stop playing games and cut out the stupid laughing, and twirling your stringy hair around your old stubby fingers, guys would'nt feel the need to go further. Some women are just friendly people, like myself. It doesn't mean I want to have your baby.
Shaun-Dro Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 Some women are just friendly people, like myself. It doesn't mean I want to have your baby. Why even bother with the remark? You knew darn well no one was talking about having babies. If a guy you dont like approaches you, act serious to him and none of that pretentious nonsense. He'll walk off before you know what hit your ass from the blindside. Believe me, I've done it .
FlowerGirly Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 Why even bother with the remark? You knew darn well no one was talking about having babies. If a guy you dont like approaches you, act serious to him and none of that pretentious nonsense. He'll walk off before you know what hit your ass from the blindside. Believe me, I've done it . You are the one that replied that a woman laughing and twirling her hair meant she must be interested in you...I twirl my hair and most of the time I'm not even realizing I'm doing it. Doesn't necessarily mean anything...
OriginalPenguin Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 My personal caveats are that I *assume* a woman who has agreed to go out on a date is single. I don't grill them or look them up at the courthouse. Also, I never buy unknown women drinks or food unless on a *date*. They have their own money. Is the assumption a risk? Yes, it is, but it's aligned with my secure attachment style. I expect (and life experience has proven) that *any* woman I meet and who agrees to a date is either dating another man, is with another man or is thinking of being with/dating/reconciling with another man. I've yet to meet one exception, though they must exist somewhere. I accept that and walk the path to see what fruits it brings. One, albeit complex datapoint... Er...am I reading that wrong or are you contradicting yourself?
carhill Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 Not a contradiction but a reflection of "one, albeit complex, datapoint" In my world, every woman (and man) is single unless they are married or have publicly proclaimed that they are a couple. So, in alignment with my secure attachment type, I assume a woman who is receptive to my friendly/romantic overtures is single, but I do that with the knowledge that every woman I've ever approached has turned out to be entangled with some man in some way. If I'm sufficiently attractive and interesting, those entanglements end over time. If not, I get erased or self-select out of the dynamic. That's pretty much how it works, IME.
sanskrit Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 The time to mention a BF is when you are asked for a phone number or asked out directly. So many women lie about having BFs today as a "jerk screen," "wait and see device," or an "I'm popular social value builder," that when I hear it, I really hear, "I have a unicorn in my purse," and give the statement that level of credibility for at least the next 30 min of conversation. It takes 30 minutes for my psychic powers to kick in and know the truth... thank goodness for those psychic powers.
oaks Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 So many women lie about having BFs today as a "jerk screen," "wait and see device," or an "I'm popular social value builder," that when I hear it, I really hear, "I have a unicorn in my purse," and give the statement that level of credibility for at least the next 30 min of conversation. It takes 30 minutes for my psychic powers to kick in and know the truth... thank goodness for those psychic powers. I chuckled at this, but then I realised... she tells you she has a BF and then you waste 30 minutes of oxygen talking with her anyway. What's the point? Either she does, or she's a liar who didn't want to be charmed by you.
sanskrit Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 (edited) I chuckled at this, but then I realised... she tells you she has a BF and then you waste 30 minutes of oxygen talking with her anyway. What's the point? Either she does, or she's a liar who didn't want to be charmed by you. If someone is intereeting to talk to, I don't consider talking to them a waste ever, as I do much business and social networking that way. Moreover, people who are involved have single friends, and sometimes those single friends materialize out of nowhere while you are talking with the taken one. As far as liars go, we don't hold women accountable for lying about their age or many other white lies and heavy rationalizations they tell, why should lying about a BF be any different? If I ruled out all women for white lies, there would be none left. Edited May 27, 2011 by sanskrit
oaks Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 If someone is intereeting to talk to, I don't consider talking to them a waste ever, as I do much business and social networking that way. Moreover, people who are involved have single friends, and sometimes those single friends materialize out of nowhere while you are talking with the taken one. Ahh. I misunderstood, sorry.
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