victoriaaa Posted May 26, 2011 Posted May 26, 2011 thinking of sending this to my ex, together 6 years broke up 3 weeks ago. still in heavy contact. he suffers from severe anxiety and we both made a mess of things tbh. he got angry said he wanted space now says we have split: "i think u are taking my nature for granted as i have always done things for u in the past. i dont mind helping u but certain things u can do. im finding this situation very difficult and dont want to feel used. i love talking to u and it really cheers me up but i cant keep this up if i get no commitment or even a suggestion we might be able to see each other when you are feeling better as i am getting nothing. its such a shame the way things are now as i feel it can be worked on slowly and i will give u time. but u also need to respect my feelings too. if u just need time its ok. i am just very confused. i dont want to pressure u at all. i just miss u." any tips? not sure if i should or word it differently. he keeps calling asking for favours and chats but nothing else and i dont wanna scare him off
Author victoriaaa Posted May 26, 2011 Author Posted May 26, 2011 It's a draft!! Was asking for help no need to be rude
Kilty Posted May 26, 2011 Posted May 26, 2011 If you want to give him all the power then by all means send it ! 3 weeks is not really that long a time and usually NC would be the best approach But as it's only been a short time since the fall out and that you are still in "heavy contact" then you need answers. I would leave out " i love talking to u and it really cheers me up" AND " i dont want to pressure you - i just miss u" Again this is giving him power.
rayne05us Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 Well why did you guys break up? I honestly would go NC on your end without the letter and if/when he does contact you. Tell him it's hard for you to be in contact the way you feel about him and in order for you to move on ad unless he wants to work things out, you can't have an contact with you. Just because you had a long relationship doesn't mean you owe him your time now you know? Make him earn back that and not that you are, but don't be a pushover. Show him you're serious....so if after her tries to contact you, ignore him.
Allisha Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 When I read the title of this thread, my immediate reaction was "nah, bad idea"... ..so then I opened the thread and read it... ...aaaaand my reaction was still the same.
Author victoriaaa Posted May 27, 2011 Author Posted May 27, 2011 ok i will try my my best not send it. he really is treating me like crap at the mo. With no contact does that mean ignoring everything? as he always calls me asking about bills etc. i dont know why
Author victoriaaa Posted May 27, 2011 Author Posted May 27, 2011 Well why did you guys break up? I honestly would go NC on your end without the letter and if/when he does contact you. Tell him it's hard for you to be in contact the way you feel about him and in order for you to move on ad unless he wants to work things out, you can't have an contact with you. Just because you had a long relationship doesn't mean you owe him your time now you know? Make him earn back that and not that you are, but don't be a pushover. Show him you're serious....so if after her tries to contact you, ignore him" Good advice. We split up after years of arguments, me being fed up of being his mother basically working full time and accompanying him to his job, cleaning bills etc, and giving all my money to him. And I got too much for his anxiety and in each others pockets 24/7. He is very critical and controlling and made me extremely insecure which in turn made me possessive and jealous. Then we tried to make a go of it and I said something little and he went crazy and ended it. When its in print it kinda seems like I'm better off out of it! But I've put so much time into this person and still love him.
rayne05us Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 Oh wow!!!...I mean no offense, but that sounds like a horrible life you took on...don't you want to be happy hun?! I think once you find the RIGHT guy (not just any guy, figure out what you want and don't settle) and that YOU are happy yourself...you will be like "What the heck took me so long!!" Haha!! In my opinion, relationships are not effortless, but they should be easy...having effective communication, trust, respect and understanding that each one is an individual. They should be the person you go to when you have a problem, not the cause of all your problems. Look for that soft landing victoria!! It may just be time to start anew )
geegirl Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 When its in print it kinda seems like I'm better off out of it! But I've put so much time into this person and still love him. Just because you've invested time in someone, does not warrant investing more years of your life in someone who is not healthy for you and investing more of yourself in a situation that is detrimental to your well being. You can love him, absolutely. But that does not mean you love at the expense of your mental, physical and emotional health. Does it mean that you stick to a bad situation just because of love? A healthy relationship stems from so much more than just love. Investing time and loving someone is not criteria to keep yourself stuck in an ongoing toxic and unhealthy situation. It's a lame excuse to avoid the fear of separating and being alone, after all anything is better than nothing. At some point you need to wake up and realize that your years are passing by and it would be best to start investing in yourself.
Author victoriaaa Posted May 27, 2011 Author Posted May 27, 2011 Well he called me ealier so i picked up. asking if i could check his online balance in his bank as hes not too good at it. i didnt want to so he said "fine ill do it" and hung up! i didnt call him back then he text me "well we tried the friends thing and it didnt work so now we have no connection at all". so i replied and said i didnt wanna be his friend and what planet was he on thinking i should be ok about it. i wanted more and for him to let me get over him and leave me alone.i said friends dont just use people like he does. then he said for me to f*** off and that it was all my fault we split up and he had given me so may chances etc. he said i was poison and just put some innocent act on. he says we will never get back together. i feel maybe i shouldnt have even replied to him but i was so pissed off. i dont know if i made things worse or just told him what for. but then i apologised!! he hasnt replied yet. his mum says he is so angry and he deleted all my friends off his fb but i had already blocked him. i apologised cos i didnt wanna be the bad one. not sure what to do from here
hill Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 I feel if you apologize you're giving him more of what he wants. He wants to be right and he wants you to be wrong and feel guilty. I know it's hard because you are probably a really nice person with a good heart so it's in your nature to apologize. But what he put you through and what he did after, he doesn't deserve it.
Author victoriaaa Posted May 27, 2011 Author Posted May 27, 2011 yeah i think hes actually using me being annoyed at him as excuse to cut me out of his life. he must miss me on some level as he calls every day but its always on his terms. i cry thinking about him ill and lonely and he says he has lost weight but he wont let me help him. i have never known him to act this way before but he says he is happier even tho he is ill as he is without me. he has a cruel tongue but has never said he never wants to see me again. why do i always feel like the bad one? i just wish he could believe me that i would change
Author victoriaaa Posted May 27, 2011 Author Posted May 27, 2011 hes used to me being weak and uses it as an ego boost. but i do worry about him as he said hes lonely. but i cant make him be with me. he likes the attention i give him but cant cope with the commitment.
rayne05us Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 Let him be annoyed...do you really want someone that says "F*ck Off and you runied everything for us" in your life?? It's like all you wanted was a reaction out of him, which you get. Show him what a strong woman you are and that you don't need him (cuz you really don't) by leaving his a$$ alone and moving on with your life. No one's saying you have to jump into another relationship, but taking this time for yourself will really reall really pay off in the long run. I mean look at what you wrote...you said you didn't want to speak to him, and in the very next breath, you're apologizing!! What do you have to be sorry for??? I understand how sometimes the drama in and of itself can be emotionally fulfilling in the short term because you think he still cares, but it's not a relationship, it's not a connection and you can't make it into one. You just have to accept that. Be the bigger person and step away.
alphamale Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 any tips? not sure if i should or word it differently. i would probably change "u" to "you"
Author victoriaaa Posted May 27, 2011 Author Posted May 27, 2011 I think space will do us good as each time we communicate things get worse. The NC rule is definitely a good one! I just need to let him go an work out his issues. We both need to grow up big time and I must admit I am not emotionally mature. Everyone including me was shocked he ended it like this, but I need to move on and stop wishing for something that isn't there. I guess when he calms down if he does care he will tell me. But I doubt it.
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