I turned psycho, how do I move on....

[BrittanyB23]

My ex and I met 2 years ago through a mutual friend. We ended up becoming really good friends who had similar wants and desires out of life as well as a relationship so it was pretty natural when our friendship turned into more. We would talk all the time, spend lots of time together and just have fun. One of the things he said he liked most about our relationship was that it wasn't a lot of "drama." He had a past of dealing with females and cutting things off when drama arised as he felt that there were better things out there that didn't involve that. His motto was "why deal with the drama when there's always something better" and although I understood what he was saying I also felt as if problems and disagreements are inevitable in relationships and that how u deal with these things together is what makes them work and that was where our relationship failed.

 

I was doing the best I can with what I had to make him happy, as was he, but when a problem did come up he completely withdrew from me, not wanting to talk or spend time together and instead of giving him his space I pressed harder (my mistake). It hurt feeling like I was losing him and it hurt even more that he started talking more and hanging out with a lot of the female friends he had (chicks he either used to talk to or was physically attracted to and that liked him) especially when I wasn't getting that from him as his girlfriend. I continued to press him though not giving him any space which of course made things between us worse. We then went on a break which led to a break up which led to "friends with benefits" and now it's like we're enemies.

 

I've made every possible mistake in the book (blaming, criticizing, sending a thousand text messages to talk, etc) and he now thinks I'm crazy. I honestly feel as though my actions have stemmed from my insecurities and fears of losing him and they ended up pushing him away. I guess you can say i lost myself in the relationship. Anyway, We haven't talked in a few days which is probably the best for both of us but the last time I tried reaching out to him he ignored me which hurt. He has also moved on to one of the girls he was friends with when we were together.

 

How do I get over this guilt of feeling like I ruined the relationship and that if I had done things differently it would've worked out? How do I get over him and move on without thinking that he will come back? What hurts is that I'm hurting and it's like he doesn't seem to care he's still living his life happy as ever. He treats everyone better than me like he cares about them. It's almost like what we had didn't exist or count for anything and I just feel like it was all my fault and then I hate that i let my insecurities control me so much to do the things i did and now he and his friends probably consider me as his psycho crazy ex girlfriend :/ my last relationship ended similar to this as well, it seems as though when things are good they're good and the guys are very happy but the moment a problem occurs I get so afraid of losing them and hurt by their withdrawing that I act out in ways which just end up pushing them away. What do I do?

[DontWorryBHappy]

Honestly, he probably WAS withdrawing from you, and you picked up on it. Maybe you didnt react in a way that you are 100% fond of, but you are not entirely at fault. If he hadn't been closing himself off from you and running around with female friends that he WAS ATTRACTED TO then maybe you wouldnt have acted out. Plus, he sounds like the kind of guy that can't/doesnt want to deal with problems. He even admitted it. He doesnt deal with any "drama". If there's any "drama" he bails. What an immature thing to say.... I would respect a guy a lot more if he said, "All relationships have problems, but if I really love a girl, I try everything to make it work." Unfortunately, men like that are few and far between. I actually empathize with you TREMENDOUSLY, because i blamed myself after my break up for these SAME reasons. I thought I was the one overreacting... etc. But then I realized, WAIT A MINUTE, he was the one that couldnt deal with emotions or problems! He couldnt be comforting, couldnt relate to my emotions, couldnt talk about them seriously. It sounds like you had a similar problem.... and I think that if he had made you feel more secure, you wouldnt have acted out. So free yourself of the self-blame . P.S. Apparently people who are more emotionally avoidant have an easier time dealing with break ups. I think that sounds like your ex. He wasnt as emotionally invested with you (same with my ex) so he just goes on like everything is cool. It's ok though, just realize that he is defective..... be glad you are free to find a more stable man.

Edited May 26, 2011 by DontWorryBHappy

[Badenov]

Reminds me of an old joke: My girlfriend broke up with me. She said "You're just too insecure." I said "And this is supposed to help?"

 

Insecurity is a death spiral, It feeds off of itself: You're insecure, he withdraws, it makes you more insecure, etc. It's easy to get caught up in it before you realize it.

 

We've all been the psycho ex at one time or another. Don't be ashamed or blame yourself. It does take two, and he fed off your feelings & gave you nothing back. Being more secure wouldn't have fixed it. He cared more about how You made Him feel than how you felt. Someone who cares about you truly would have reassured you. You deserve nothing less.

[D-Lish]

Honestly, he probably WAS withdrawing from you, and you picked up on it. Maybe you didnt react in a way that you are 100% fond of, but you are not entirely at fault. If he hadn't been closing himself off from you and running around with female friends that he WAS ATTRACTED TO then maybe you wouldnt have acted out. Plus, he sounds like the kind of guy that can't/doesnt want to deal with problems. He even admitted it. He doesnt deal with any "drama". If there's any "drama" he bails. What an immature thing to say.... I would respect a guy a lot more if he said, "All relationships have problems, but if I really love a girl, I try everything to make it work." Unfortunately, men like that are few and far between. I actually empathize with you TREMENDOUSLY, because i blamed myself after my break up for these SAME reasons. I thought I was the one overreacting... etc. But then I realized, WAIT A MINUTE, he was the one that couldnt deal with emotions or problems! He couldnt be comforting, couldnt relate to my emotions, couldnt talk about them seriously. It sounds like you had a similar problem.... and I think that if he had made you feel more secure, you wouldnt have acted out. So free yourself of the self-blame . P.S. Apparently people who are more emotionally avoidant have an easier time dealing with break ups. I think that sounds like your ex. He wasnt as emotionally invested with you (same with my ex) so he just goes on like everything is cool. It's ok though, just realize that he is defective..... be glad you are free to find a more stable man.

 

I agree with this!

 

He started withdrawing, and you picked up on it. You can go back and try and decipher where you failed- but the truth is he was checking out already- and long before you started acting needy.

 

Your reaction to that: the helplessness, pushing, neediness, although not the best way to handle it; was a reaction to something that he had already set in motion before you had your "crazy-time".

 

The best thing you can do NOW is to cut contact with him.

 

Don't spend time blaming yourself- your instincts weren't wrong, he was distancing himself.

 

You could have reacted to the distancing gracefully, and the outcome would have been the same.

Edited May 27, 2011 by D-Lish

[Frank13]

Insecurity is a death spiral, It feeds off of itself: You're insecure, he withdraws, it makes you more insecure, etc. It's easy to get caught up in it before you realize it.

 

I may be in the minority but for me it is the opposite. If I feel insecure, I am the one who withdraws. I do so because I suspect the other person's feelings are changing for the worse, for whatever reason. So in order to protect myself, I start to distance myself to make (what I suspect is) the upcoming dumping of me easier. It's at this point that I need validation and lots of it. If the other person gives me space, I see it as a confirmation that the relationship is about to end so I withdraw more and will even end it. I have learned long ago when in doubt, it is better to pull out.

[BrittanyB23]

@dontworrybhappy yea he was withdrawing from me and it hurt that's what made me press harder to be with him. But yes I am starting to realize that I'm not completely at fault for everything that happened in our relationship although my actions didn't make things any better. He is definitely the type to not want to deal with "drama" which I believe is inevitable in relationships it moreso deals with how you work it out. But thanks for the advice, I'm freeing myself from the self blame and going to work on me more

 

@badenov you're right. Insecurity does feed off of itself and even if I was more secure in the relationship, I probably would've still felt some way about things because of how he was acting and his take on "drama." thanks for the advice, I feel better now!

 

@D-lish you're right! And I think that if I did act to the distancing gracefully it still would've been bad like you said. We both have a lot to learn when it comes to relationships. His last and only relationship lasted a month before he needed space and every girl he talks to he stops talking to when there is "drama" smh. Thanks for th advice, I'm gonna stop blaming myself!

 

@frank13 interesting. I try harder when I feel insecure but I think focusing on ourselves and doing things that make us happy outside of our partner will ultimately be the best thing to do when someone we are in a relationship is acting that way. If they want us, they'll come back and try and make things work. I guess its important to know when to give space. Good luck with everything!

[radiodarcy]

We then went on a break which led to a break up which led to "friends with benefits" and now it's like we're enemies.

 

...It's almost like what we had didn't exist or count for anything and I just feel like it was all my fault and then I hate that i let my insecurities control me so much to do the things i did and now he and his friends probably consider me as his psycho crazy ex girlfriend :/ my last relationship ended similar to this as well, it seems as though when things are good they're good and the guys are very happy but the moment a problem occurs I get so afraid of losing them and hurt by their withdrawing that I act out in ways which just end up pushing them away. What do I do?

 

i know exactly how you feel. i am about three months out of a situation that sounds exactly like yours. we too started out as friends then dated, then he started getting distant after about two months and the situation deteriorated into friends w. benefits which lasted abt two and a half years. he ended the benefits back in september saying he just wanted to be friends. but honestly all along he never treated me like a friend - - even when we were doing benefits. the only contact we had was over text/IM.

 

he never seemed to want to meet in person. like your ex - - he always seemed to find time to hang out with his other female friends (of which there were many) but never me. and even though he insisted they were just friends -- just like he and i were just friends, he was always too busy to hang out with me. anytime i tried to say anything about it to him, he'd upbraid me like i was an errant 2 year old and threaten to cut off the friendship. so i'd back off. but then he would start talking about the girls he was hanging out with all over again and of course looking at his facebook didn't help since i got to see picture and put names with faces; as well as see the days and times that they hung out and the, talking about how much fun they had. it really did make me feel like a total reject.

 

it didn't help that he was my first everything (first sex, first love). which made is even harder for me to get over him. i guess he figured he had done his part in cutting off the benefits but i can't just cut off my feelings like that. and he expected me to. it was so frustrating because up until then, i always considered myself to be calm and laid back; no drama. but the situation was making me crazy! anyway, eventually, i came to my senses and cut off all contact. and i feel a lot better and am feeling like the calm, laid back person i remember. i still miss him. and while it bothers me that i haven't heard from him, just remembering how miserable i was those last two and a half years is enough to convince me that i made the right decision in walking. i don't need "friends" like that in my life...

[chise]

I can completely relate to this. I went EXACTLY to the same as radiodarcy. Did the same mistakes. When we become FWB i said nothing, i sucked it up. He claimed we are so good friends but he was never there for me, never called or asked about all the major changes in my life. And I felt rejected all the time.

 

I started to ask and I turned into "demanding, annoying, nagging". I am not this person, I cannot recognize myself. And last week we went out, I was nervous so I drunk way too much, we slept together and I just freaked out. I told everything I had in my chest, i told him we are not friends just f*ck buddies and he left the room saying I am crazy and to do not contact him anymore.

 

I feel ashamed and I would do whatever to take the time back and remove this day. I never did something like that in my life but I cannot take it back ... I cannot even apologize without creating more drama.

 

All this turned me into a crazy and annoying person but my insecurities and his behaviour took the best of me. And I am sorry, I could not handle better.

[mickleb]

You could try reading 'He's Scared, She's Scared'. It offers a pretty good insight into this dynamic and suggests how to avoid it.

 

x

[radiodarcy]

I can completely relate to this. I went EXACTLY to the same as radiodarcy. Did the same mistakes. When we become FWB i said nothing, i sucked it up. He claimed we are so good friends but he was never there for me, never called or asked about all the major changes in my life. And I felt rejected all the time.

 

I started to ask and I turned into "demanding, annoying, nagging". I am not this person, I cannot recognize myself. And last week we went out, I was nervous so I drunk way too much, we slept together and I just freaked out. I told everything I had in my chest, i told him we are not friends just f*ck buddies and he left the room saying I am crazy and to do not contact him anymore.

 

I feel ashamed and I would do whatever to take the time back and remove this day. I never did something like that in my life but I cannot take it back ... I cannot even apologize without creating more drama.

 

All this turned me into a crazy and annoying person but my insecurities and his behaviour took the best of me. And I am sorry, I could not handle better.

 

hi Chise. i am sorry to hear you are going through the same thing as well. that's why boards like this are so helpful for people going through our situation: it helps to know that you are not alone. it's normal to beat yourself up. but try not to. i did the same thing during the friends with benefits situation; and some time after it ended, as well. but after awhile i realized that self-flagellation wasn't helping me; if anything - - it only reinforced the false notion in had gotten into my head that i deserved to be treated that way; which compelled me to go back for more. it wasnt until i stopped beating myself up and started being more kind and forgiving of my actions that i really started to heal.

 

and you will too . we deserve better. but we have to give that to ourselves. it is only then that we will be able to find someone who will treat us the way we deserve to be treated. good luck. just stick to NC and continue to post here. we are all here to help.