Online and phone affair

[netgear32]

I recently discovered that my wife is having an online and phone affair with her old boy friend from 30 years ago. We have been together for 25 years and married for 20 years and we have two great children. We own a successful business. Everything seemed fine until about 5 months ago. My wife is turning50 next month and she is now thing about her life choices that she has made. Irecently found out last week that she has been contacting her old boy friend back in her country. She is not a US citizen. She now believes that she does not love me anymore and that she has always has been in love with her old boyfriend. He is a stable hand and riding instructor, He is 53 years old never been married or had a successful relationship for more than 3 years. He does not have a house and lives on different farms were he can find work. I cannot see what my wife see's in him. I have been a great father to our children, aloving faithful husband. I have provided a very good life for my family. I have kept myself fit and until a few months ago we had a great relationship. Much to my surprise my wife informed me that she is planning to fly over to Europe and meet with him for the first time in 30 years. This is hurting me worse than i can describe. But my pain is of little concern compared to affect this will have on our children and our family. I wrote the old boyfriend when I first found out about the affair before my wife new i had found out. I ask him to break it off and that i would not tell my wife that i knew about what was going on. This would have saved her pride and my family would never have found out. But of course the old boyfriend contacted my wife and told her about my letter.Now my wife is mad at me for finding out about the affair. She said it is my fault for finding out about it and since she did not flaunt it and tried to hide it from me. It is my fault and I have only hurt my self.

 

I am lost I love my wife more than anything in this world and my children look to her and me as role models. I cannot seem to find a way to solve this. My wife seems like she is addicted to emailing and talking to her old boyfriend. The more I try and stop her the more she is drawn to him. I hope someone can provide me with some help!! I never new love could hurt this bad.

Edited May 26, 2011 by netgear32
spelling errors

[JaneyAmazed]

I recently discovered that my wife is having an online and phone affair with her old boy friend from 30 years ago. We have been together for 25 years and married for 20 years and we have two great children. We own a successful business. Everything seemed fine until about 5 months ago. My wife is turning50 next month and she is now thing about her life choices that she has made. Irecently found out last week that she has been contacting her old boy friend back in her country. She is not a US citizen. She now believes that she does not love me anymore and that she has always has been in love with her old boyfriend. He is a stable hand and riding instructor, He is 53 years old never been married or had a successful relationship for more than 3 years. He does not have a house and lives on different farms were he can find work. I cannot see what my wife see's in him. I have been a great father to our children, aloving faithful husband. I have provided a very good life for my family. I have kept myself fit and until a few months ago we had a great relationship. Much to my surprise my wife informed me that she is planning to fly over to Europe and meet with him for the first time in 30 years. This is hurting me worse than i can describe. But my pain is of little concern compared to affect this will have on our children and our family. I wrote the old boyfriend when I first found out about the affair before my wife new i had found out. I ask him to break it off and that i would not tell my wife that i knew about what was going on. This would have saved her pride and my family would never have found out. But of course the old boyfriend contacted my wife and told her about my letter.Now my wife is mad at me for finding out about the affair. She said it is my fault for finding out about it and since she did not flaunt it and tried to hide it from me. It is my fault and I have only hurt my self.

 

.

 

I'm trying to rack my brain around this. What is she mad about? Why do you allow her to still have the affair with your full knowledge? What's your fault? Sorry for so many questions, but this isn't making much sense to me.

[OldOnTheInside]

I'm trying to rack my brain around this. What is she mad about? Why do you allow her to still have the affair with your full knowledge? What's your fault? Sorry for so many questions, but this isn't making much sense to me.

 

Blame shifting I believe.

 

My armchair prognosis: For OP, it sounds like she is going through a bit of a midlife crisis. Do you think that is possible? If so, you need to nip this problem in the bud before it escalates in its own way. Just be aware that there is a very high chance that your wife isn't thinking rationally at the moment.

 

You need to be 100% pro-active right now. Perhaps counselling, therapy, clear and thorough communication are what you need.

 

Just be prepared to move on if it comes to that.

Edited May 26, 2011 by OldOnTheInside

[Bryanp]

I think you need some shock therapy on your wife. You need to:

1. Contact an attorney and discuss your options.

2. Tell her if she goes to connect with the boyfriend then you will proceed with the divorce and that seeing him is a deal breaker.

3. Begin to discuss the dividing of assets with her.

 

No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to stop. My hunch is that she thinks that she can go and have sex with him and you will forgive her no matter what. She is showing you clear disrespect and contempt by her actions. Nobody respects a doormat. If the roles were reversed do you honestly think she would put up with this from you? Her comment that it is your fault for finding out is probably the dumbest thing I have ever heard. You need to be proactive and show her what the consequences of her actions will be. I wish you luck.

[Spark1111]

OK, here it goes.

 

Tell her family, her friends, his family what their plans are.

 

Tell you wife unequivocably, that she must stop all communication with him now if she wishes to remain married to you. Tell him that too. If she decides to visit him, you have spoken to an attorney and will divorce her immediately. Tell him that too!

 

Affairs can be like a drug addiction with people not thinking rationally.

 

She needs a 2 x 4, a shocking wake up call. Expose her, him, and stand firm on your plans to divorce if should should leave the country.

 

She will be very angry for awhile. She will blame you. You are standing in the way of finding happiness with her "soulmate."

 

Change the locks, hire a sitter, start packing up her stuff.

 

Affairs thrive in secrecy and in the BS, being rendered a vulnerable pile of mush that they tell no one. But by doing so, they are enabling the affair and it's secrecy.

 

You have a small window of opportunity to strike some sense into her foggy, chemical addled, affair brain by stating and enforcing dire consequences to her actions NOW.

 

IF she should come to her senses, then it may be time to talk of counseling and MC.

 

Good luck! Grow a strong backbone and start NOW. Get angry. Call a lawyer.

 

You can always hope for the best quietly in your heart, but expect the worst.

[Hanther]

OK, here it goes.

 

Tell her family, her friends, his family what their plans are.

 

Tell you wife unequivocably, that she must stop all communication with him now if she wishes to remain married to you. Tell him that too. If she decides to visit him, you have spoken to an attorney and will divorce her immediately. Tell him that too!

 

Affairs can be like a drug addiction with people not thinking rationally.

 

She needs a 2 x 4, a shocking wake up call. Expose her, him, and stand firm on your plans to divorce if should should leave the country.

 

She will be very angry for awhile. She will blame you. You are standing in the way of finding happiness with her "soulmate."

 

Change the locks, hire a sitter, start packing up her stuff.

 

Affairs thrive in secrecy and in the BS, being rendered a vulnerable pile of mush that they tell no one. But by doing so, they are enabling the affair and it's secrecy.

 

You have a small window of opportunity to strike some sense into her foggy, chemical addled, affair brain by stating and enforcing dire consequences to her actions NOW.

 

IF she should come to her senses, then it may be time to talk of counseling and MC.

 

Good luck! Grow a strong backbone and start NOW. Get angry. Call a lawyer.

 

You can always hope for the best quietly in your heart, but expect the worst.

 

OP - PLEASE listen to this! It is the ONLY way to keep your dignity and save your marriage!!!

 

Do not beg. Do not grovel. Do not plead. Tell her that you WILL divorce her. Make her realize that she is about to lose everything. Kick her out and tell your kids what is going on (depending on how old they are).

 

This is the ONLY way that you can prevent your marriage from ending. Your wife is going through a very common crisis, and she is not handling it well. She is not behaving like herself - her mind has been changed by the chemicals induced by her crush. This woman is NOT your wife, so don't treat her like she is! If you ever want to see the woman you married again, you will listen to the advice here. If there is one area where loveshack is good at giving advice, it is in cases like yours.

 

I really hope you listen!

[g450]

OMG this is exactly what happened to me!

 

My wife found her old HS love from 38 years ago and convinced herself that he was the only man she ever loved. She threw me under the bus and could not divorce me fast enough.

 

Sadly, like your wife she really would not give me a reason and didnt really even blame me at all. I just got the "I dont love you anymore" thing from her and that was it. She shut me out completely.

 

Only good part was that she waited until our Son was grown and moved out before she knifed me in the back.

 

Sorry for the highjack but the OPs story really hits home for me. Lots of bad memories there.

Edited May 27, 2011 by g450
spellin

[netgear32]

Thank you for your quick responses. The actions of my wife are completely out of character. She has always been a perfect mother to our children and what I would have called my soul mate. I cannot tell you how shell shocked I ‘am. My children are 17 and 12 years old. The twelve year old has already figured out was is going on. The 17 year old is brilliant but in her own world. I did tell her mother a few days ago and she informed me that my wife’s younger sister also left her husband and 3 children last month. She was shocked that my wife would do this. But felt it was not any of her business to interfear in her daughter marriage. I guess I might be foolish in hoping that she will come out of this mind fog and realize what a mistake she is making. But right now in her current state of mind her online romance is more important to her than any thing in this world. It is like dealing with a crack addict. She does not care what happens to her or who she hurts as long as she gets what she thinks she needs. I think that the threat of divorce or any other action will only quicken her leaving for Europe to meet her old boyfriend. I fear that I only have a short time to find a solution to this. Or I can foolishly hope that when she meets her old boyfriend that she realizes that this online fantasy is not true in real life. Again thank you for your responses. It truly makes me feel like someone cares and is willing to take the time to try and help.

Edited May 27, 2011 by netgear32
spelling corection

[Bryanp]

I am very sad for you. Your fear of doing anything will now almost guarantee a complete failure of your marriage. Your plan apparently is to let her go and screw this old boyfriend as long as she likes and then pray that she comes to her senses. You are sending a message that there will be no consequences to her actions no matter what she does and that you will always be around with open arms if she decides to return. What is wrong with this picture? How will she ever have respect for you or your relationship. Your wife is in a total fog. Unfortunately so are you. I wish you luck.

[netgear32]

You are correct that i too am also in a fog. My love for my wife over the last 20 years is a powerfull force. I do think you and the others are correct as well. If she is going to leave then she must know I will not take her back. I have never felt this depressed in my life. What realy hurts is that the old boyfriend has no money no house and is in poor health. I keep thinking about what is wrong with me why him over me.

Edited May 27, 2011 by netgear32
speling mistakes

[g450]

Similar sitch here. Her ex love is married and has five kids. Most are grown now. I do not know if it ever got physical but I do know for a fact that she was trying to hook up with yet another old classmate at a reunion. It is not just her old love that she was embracing but all her classmates that she could find. She is taking a trip back to 1974. I guess that was a simpler happier time for her and that is where her brain and heart is now.

 

My point is that I could not compete with a fantasy. Its not real. But it is in her mind. You will most likely have to deal with that same demon and you cant fight it.

 

All you can do is make the consequences of her actions heard loud and clear. In my case I told everybody, her friends, family etc about what was going on. Not verry classy but I had to show her what her actions were going to do to her life and the lives of those that loved and cared for her. Ironically she had her own supports that she clings to. Old classmates and her youngest sister who did not like me from the start.

 

My advice, lawyer up and let her know what is going to happen if she goes this route.

[seibert253]

OK, here it goes.

 

Tell her family, her friends, his family what their plans are.

 

Tell you wife unequivocably, that she must stop all communication with him now if she wishes to remain married to you. Tell him that too. If she decides to visit him, you have spoken to an attorney and will divorce her immediately. Tell him that too!

 

Affairs can be like a drug addiction with people not thinking rationally.

 

She needs a 2 x 4, a shocking wake up call. Expose her, him, and stand firm on your plans to divorce if should should leave the country.

 

She will be very angry for awhile. She will blame you. You are standing in the way of finding happiness with her "soulmate."

 

Change the locks, hire a sitter, start packing up her stuff.

 

Affairs thrive in secrecy and in the BS, being rendered a vulnerable pile of mush that they tell no one. But by doing so, they are enabling the affair and it's secrecy.

 

You have a small window of opportunity to strike some sense into her foggy, chemical addled, affair brain by stating and enforcing dire consequences to her actions NOW.

 

IF she should come to her senses, then it may be time to talk of counseling and MC.

 

Good luck! Grow a strong backbone and start NOW. Get angry. Call a lawyer.

 

You can always hope for the best quietly in your heart, but expect the worst.

 

Couldn't have said it any better.

Make it crystal clear that if she goes on this trip, you will have a crisp set of D papers for her to sign when she returns.

[Woman In Blue]

You are correct that i too am also in a fog. My love for my wife over the last 20 years is a powerfull force.

Well, it's certainly a powerful enough "force" to reduce you to a shaking, quaking floormat with zero pride. Are you going to let her wipe her feet on your back yet one more time as she leaves the house for the airport to meet her vagabond overseas boyfriend? Better yet, are you packing her suitcase for her and driving her to the airport?

 

Dude, seriously. Find your gonads. I'm embarrassed FOR you.

[jnj express]

Don't waste your time contacting the other guy---you know where he stands, and obviously he wants your wife

 

FROM WHAT YOU TELL US--THERE IS NO KIND OF LIFE FOR HER WHERE EVER SHE IS INTENDING TO GO---i am sure she can't wrangle horses---so what is she gonna do

 

Make it as hard as you possibly can---for her to go

 

Dry her up completely in the way of finances----cancel any CC with her name on it

 

At this point take away her computer, cell phone and anything else she uses to contact him with----YOU HAVE ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO LOSE AT THIS POINT

 

Also kick her out of the house unless she goes NC----she HAS to get a dose of reality---right now she has a full life, with no inconvenience---so show her what life will be like if she has to completely fend for herself, with no money, and no way of getting any unless she is working

 

IF SHE GOES ON THAT TRIP YOUR MGE IS OVER----do not let it happen

[Linda9999]

OK, here it goes.

 

Tell her family, her friends, his family what their plans are.

 

Tell you wife unequivocably, that she must stop all communication with him now if she wishes to remain married to you. Tell him that too. If she decides to visit him, you have spoken to an attorney and will divorce her immediately. Tell him that too!

 

Affairs can be like a drug addiction with people not thinking rationally.

 

She needs a 2 x 4, a shocking wake up call. Expose her, him, and stand firm on your plans to divorce if should should leave the country.

 

She will be very angry for awhile. She will blame you. You are standing in the way of finding happiness with her "soulmate."

 

Change the locks, hire a sitter, start packing up her stuff.

 

Affairs thrive in secrecy and in the BS, being rendered a vulnerable pile of mush that they tell no one. But by doing so, they are enabling the affair and it's secrecy.

 

You have a small window of opportunity to strike some sense into her foggy, chemical addled, affair brain by stating and enforcing dire consequences to her actions NOW.

 

IF she should come to her senses, then it may be time to talk of counseling and MC.

 

Good luck! Grow a strong backbone and start NOW. Get angry. Call a lawyer.

 

You can always hope for the best quietly in your heart, but expect the worst.

 

I just have to quote this again because you haven't acknowledged it at all, and it is THE best set of actions you can take right now.

[Entropy3000]

I just have to quote this again because you haven't acknowledged it at all, and it is THE best set of actions you can take right now.

 

Yes. Otherwise she will find a way to consummate her relationship with this OM. Counting on that to break her out of her fog is beyond hopeless.

You need to stop this before it becomes a full fledged PA. She probably would want to take her 12 year old with her. Fight for your family.

[netgear32]

Will start with telling her family about the affair. Have already spoken to a lawyer and he has seen many similar problems. Will keep you updated.

[netgear32]

Told her family about the Affair and my wife of course was very upset. She says that she is staying in our house but moving in to another bed room. She has told her family that i am lying about this in orded to stop her from going to Ireland and control her life. She told her family that she loves me and that the OG is just a friend. I have not been able to find any of the OG friends or family or friends in Ireland yet. Since he is a stable hand and has no fixed address since he lives at diffrent farms with free board over the last 30 years. So I have no method of telling about this affair to his family and friends. I also plan on moving my paycheck to my account and not to our joint account. And closeing all of the credit cards and replace them that pre paid debit cards. This way I will be able to control her spending beyond what she makes her self. So far that approach is not working well. But like you said it will take time. And maybe it will not work ot and i will justy be another lonely guy living in a lonely world. But if it dose work then great.

[Owl]

Actually this approach is working perfectly at this point...it's all going just as it normally does.

 

So your next step is to get a keylogger installed on the computers at home, and print out "proof" that you can confront your wife with and provide to her family.

 

Don't let her deny/damage control/etc...

 

Confront her, expose to her family and friends...and don't accept anything less than the truth from her.

 

Continue to protect yourself financially as well.

[PinkInTheLimo]

OK, here it goes.

 

Tell her family, her friends, his family what their plans are.

 

Tell you wife unequivocably, that she must stop all communication with him now if she wishes to remain married to you. Tell him that too. If she decides to visit him, you have spoken to an attorney and will divorce her immediately. Tell him that too!

 

Affairs can be like a drug addiction with people not thinking rationally.

 

She needs a 2 x 4, a shocking wake up call. Expose her, him, and stand firm on your plans to divorce if should should leave the country.

 

She will be very angry for awhile. She will blame you. You are standing in the way of finding happiness with her "soulmate."

 

Change the locks, hire a sitter, start packing up her stuff.

 

Affairs thrive in secrecy and in the BS, being rendered a vulnerable pile of mush that they tell no one. But by doing so, they are enabling the affair and it's secrecy.

 

You have a small window of opportunity to strike some sense into her foggy, chemical addled, affair brain by stating and enforcing dire consequences to her actions NOW.

 

IF she should come to her senses, then it may be time to talk of counseling and MC.

 

Good luck! Grow a strong backbone and start NOW. Get angry. Call a lawyer.

 

You can always hope for the best quietly in your heart, but expect the worst.

 

I am not sure if this is the right approach. You basically treat the cheating spouse as a child. This approach comes across as very controlling.

 

Dr. Huizinga is actually against informing family and friends and says that the BS should focus on himself/herself.

 

"Coming to her senses" sounds pedantic. Maybe the fact of wanting to reconnect with the old friend is healthier than staying in her marriage. We don't know how she feels in the marriage.

The so-called midlife crisis is sometimes simply about people figuring out what they really want. There are a lot of people who leave their marriage after 20-30 years who are happier with their new partner than they were with their old one.

 

I think we will see more and more that staying with the same partner you married when you were young become exceptional. People change a lot and we live very long. Why should we keep the first marriage together at all costs? If it is a truly happy one, it's great to do that but how many truly happy marriages are there?

[Owl]

I've read Huizinga's stuff...I don't agree with it.

 

There are all kinds of different experts out there with different methods. Huizinga is kinda "soft gloves" approach. Harley takes a harder method. You can find an expert out there that uses pretty much every method you can imagine.

 

My recommendation is the path that he's started down now. Expose the affair, demonstrate the consequences of her actions, and show her that there's a road home if she wants it.

[What_Next]

Gather all the evidence you can, keylogger, voice activated recorder, whatever you need to. If (and this is a BIG IF) you actually do want your marriage, then it is up to you to fight for it. Once you have gathered evidence expose the affair to the light of day.

 

This will p___ her off something feirce though, be ready for that. Once you have exposed her affair confront her and make it ABSOLUTELY clear either it ends NOW or your marriage is 100% over. Period.

 

Do not stand for this.

[nyrias]

I've read Huizinga's stuff...I don't agree with it.

 

There are all kinds of different experts out there with different methods. Huizinga is kinda "soft gloves" approach. Harley takes a harder method. You can find an expert out there that uses pretty much every method you can imagine.

 

My recommendation is the path that he's started down now. Expose the affair, demonstrate the consequences of her actions, and show her that there's a road home if she wants it.

 

If that is the case, why is LS posters only advice/discuss ONE method (exposure)? That is not doing the person seeking advice any favors.

 

If experts are offering different advice, at least there should be a survey of such methods, and the reasoning behind each of them.

 

Ideally, there should also be scientific evidence of which method works best in what conditions.

[Owl]

If that is the case, why is LS posters only advice/discuss ONE method (exposure)? That is not doing the person seeking advice any favors.

 

If experts are offering different advice, at least there should be a survey of such methods, and the reasoning behind each of them.

 

Ideally, there should also be scientific evidence of which method works best in what conditions.

 

My guess?

 

People suggest what works for them...just as I do.

 

Ideally, there would be scientific evidence. Unfortunately, we're not living in an ideal world.

 

So what you get instead is exactly what we see here...people who provide advice based on their experiences and opinions.

 

If someone wants professional help...they should be seeking out professionals.

 

If you post for advice on an internet forum...you're applying that advice at your own risk. Go figure.

[Entropy3000]

If that is the case, why is LS posters only advice/discuss ONE method (exposure)? That is not doing the person seeking advice any favors.

 

If experts are offering different advice, at least there should be a survey of such methods, and the reasoning behind each of them.

 

Ideally, there should also be scientific evidence of which method works best in what conditions.

 

Let me weigh in on the scientific sample .... expose the affair.