Memphis Raines Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 I wipe my feet on doormats. I couldn't wipe my feet on someone I loved. she wiped her feet on him when she cheated. and she cheated on him because she loved him:rolleyes: point was, they need to basically bend over backwards to right their wrong, at least for a while. if they aren't willing to do that, then they aren't really interested in helping someone they have just sentence to a life of thinking about their WS screwing around. being a "doormat", or rather being humble, contrite and willing to make up for what they did, for a short time is a small price to pay for emotional abuse they bestowed on their spouse.
OldOnTheInside Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 point was, they need to basically bend over backwards to right their wrong, at least for a while. if they aren't willing to do that, then they aren't really interested in helping someone they have just sentence to a life of thinking about their WS screwing around. being a "doormat", or rather being humble, contrite and willing to make up for what they did, for a short time is a small price to pay for emotional abuse they bestowed on their spouse. I think Memphis brings up a good point actually. For a marriage to have any chance of continuing healthily after an A, the BS (however emotionally vunerable they may be) gains little by abusing and putting down the WS (treating them like sh*t). But since the WS is responsible for the actual affair itself, s/he is expected to deal with the consequences of their actions in a mature manner. And if they want reconcilliation, they should expect things to be difficult for them.
Author devastatedhusband Posted May 28, 2011 Author Posted May 28, 2011 I appreciate all the responses. I can say now that I KNOW sex didn't happen. You can get stuff from oral, that's why she's being tested. She has apoligized to me so many times over and over. We live hours from the city where it happened, which is a good thing for both of us. That's all I can say right now, still thinking about things.
Entropy3000 Posted May 28, 2011 Posted May 28, 2011 I appreciate all the responses. I can say now that I KNOW sex didn't happen. You can get stuff from oral, that's why she's being tested. She has apoligized to me so many times over and over. We live hours from the city where it happened, which is a good thing for both of us. That's all I can say right now, still thinking about things. ( I got this ) Ok, I'll bite. Please let us know if you would how you KNOW sex did not happen. I know this seems mean but come on.
Author devastatedhusband Posted May 28, 2011 Author Posted May 28, 2011 ( I got this ) Ok, I'll bite. Please let us know if you would how you KNOW sex did not happen. I know this seems mean but come on. I know with the way most people are you guys are gonna call me dumb for even saying this but here it goes. I have known this woman since we were in kindergarten. I know when she is lieing to me, and besides that, if I can't believe her, we won't have a chance in hell of making it work. I hope I am right in thinking this, but I think she is an exception to the normal rules of once a cheater always a cheater and everything else. I know, I know, call me nieve, and I may be. But when you have known someone your whole life, you get a feel for things. I know the first thing you will say is that I know her and didn't think she would do this, and that is exactly right and that is one of the biggest blows. But I DID KNOW something was wrong, I just didn't put the clues together.
whichwayisup Posted May 28, 2011 Posted May 28, 2011 I know that before we were together that she was a virgin, I have no doubt about that. And yes, what you said is correct. I am having a hard time believing it didn't go further, but I think she is being honest. I don't know how I am supposed to believe her 100% after she betrayed me. She has to prove herself to you in so many ways until you feel comfortable enough. You lost 'blind faith and trust' forever in her. Even if things go great in the marriage, you will never trust her like you once did before you found out she cheated on you. I hope those STD's come out clean. Sadly, you will never know the truth for sure unless 1)you ask the guy exactly what happened (though he could lie .. Say she did have sex with him and she really didn't, or say she didn't when she really did) 2)make her take a lie detector test.
oldguy Posted May 28, 2011 Posted May 28, 2011 She has to prove herself to you in so many ways until you feel comfortable enough. You lost 'blind faith and trust' forever in her. Even if things go great in the marriage, you will never trust her like you once did before you found out she cheated on you. I hope those STD's come out clean. Sadly, you will never know the truth for sure unless 1)you ask the guy exactly what happened (though he could lie .. Say she did have sex with him and she really didn't, or say she didn't when she really did) 2)make her take a lie detector test. This is exactly what I was saying, whichwayisup just said better than I did. As for earlier comments about treating her like a doormat, that is revenge only and will end any chance of saving this marriage. She needs to get help with this depression, you need to get some relationship help & the two of you need to get help over this cheating. The same counselor should be able to help both of you together & individually but I would suggest a separate for depression, if thats what this is & I have some doubts about that.
reboot Posted May 28, 2011 Posted May 28, 2011 she wiped her feet on him when she cheated. and she cheated on him because she loved him:rolleyes: point was, they need to basically bend over backwards to right their wrong, at least for a while. if they aren't willing to do that, then they aren't really interested in helping someone they have just sentence to a life of thinking about their WS screwing around. being a "doormat", or rather being humble, contrite and willing to make up for what they did, for a short time is a small price to pay for emotional abuse they bestowed on their spouse. There's a BIG difference between bending over backwards to make up for what they did and being a doormat. If all you're after is revenge, get a divorce. If you just can't live with it, get a divorce. If you want to fix things, it takes patience and love, not payback.
JaneyAmazed Posted May 28, 2011 Posted May 28, 2011 There's a BIG difference between bending over backwards to make up for what they did and being a doormat. If all you're after is revenge, get a divorce. If you just can't live with it, get a divorce. If you want to fix things, it takes patience and love, not payback. reboot, I just wanted to say you give great advice. I've been reading some of your recent posts. You've helped me a lot.
Kriss Posted May 28, 2011 Posted May 28, 2011 OP I think you should set your wife free and she can do what she wants once she is single again.
reboot Posted May 28, 2011 Posted May 28, 2011 reboot, I just wanted to say you give great advice. I've been reading some of your recent posts. You've helped me a lot. Awwww shucks. <blush>
Memphis Raines Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 I know with the way most people are you guys are gonna call me dumb for even saying this but here it goes. I have known this woman since we were in kindergarten. I know when she is lieing to me, and besides that, if I can't believe her, we won't have a chance in hell of making it work. ok, so you know she didn't have sex with this guy, but you know she is lying to you? you have known her since kindergarten. and did you ever think she'd cheat? my guess is no, but she did. So knowing her since kindergarten isn't an argument that you know she didn't have sex with the guy. I hope I am right in thinking this, but I think she is an exception to the normal rules of once a cheater always a cheater and everything else. *sigh* ok, its obvious you simply want to stay with her, and will get yourself to believe that she didn't get the big daddy from him. so all I have to say is, good luck with that. even if she didn't have sex, doesn't matter. Even if all she did was jack him off, doesn't matter. you want to believe that she didn't have sex so you can justify staying with her, because giving a blowjob isn't as bad of cheating as having sex. dude, I feel for you, but you are going to justify this any way you want, truth or not, to keep her. so again, all I can say is good luck with that.
Memphis Raines Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 There's a BIG difference between bending over backwards to make up for what they did and being a doormat. If all you're after is revenge, get a divorce. If you just can't live with it, get a divorce. If you want to fix things, it takes patience and love, not payback. but alot of cheaters on this board see bending over backwards to right their wrongs as being a doormat. they see dealing with the consequences of their actions and making it up to the person they betrayed as being a doormat. therefore when I hear a cheater say they aren't going to be a doormat, it means they aren't willing to make up for what they did. nothing to do with revenge. a BS expecting certain things from someone that lost their trust isn't revenge or asking to be a doormat. its asking them to be a spouse, and act like someone who is willing to do what it takes to deserve their 2nd chance.
nyrias Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 Sadly, you will never know the truth for sure unless 1)you ask the guy exactly what happened (though he could lie .. Say she did have sex with him and she really didn't, or say she didn't when she really did) 2)make her take a lie detector test. The lie detector test is notoriously UNRELIABLE. The chance of a false positive or false negative are very higher. I think one just have to resign to the fact that you will never know for sure.
nyrias Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 ok, so you know she didn't have sex with this guy, but you know she is lying to you? you have known her since kindergarten. and did you ever think she'd cheat? my guess is no, but she did. So knowing her since kindergarten isn't an argument that you know she didn't have sex with the guy. *sigh* ok, its obvious you simply want to stay with her, and will get yourself to believe that she didn't get the big daddy from him. so all I have to say is, good luck with that. even if she didn't have sex, doesn't matter. Even if all she did was jack him off, doesn't matter. you want to believe that she didn't have sex so you can justify staying with her, because giving a blowjob isn't as bad of cheating as having sex. dude, I feel for you, but you are going to justify this any way you want, truth or not, to keep her. so again, all I can say is good luck with that. To some extent, it is all about power. Many here council the BS to "have dignity", "prepare to leave", "only accept the WS back if he/she does everything right". All these advice is to bolster the "negotiating" power of the BS. If the BS is so emotionally attached to the WS and is willing to do anything, or cannot leave because of financial incentives, or whatever reasons, the BS "wins". To use an example .. Arnold is so blatant because he knows that worse come to worse, he will just get another girl. She won't be Maria, but he is also not going to be alone if he does not wish it. From an intellectual power point of view, the scenario is very much a negotiation scenario (note that even NOT negotiating, i.e. ... giving an ultimatum, or doing a 180, is a form of negotiating). I wonder if looking at the negotiation literature will provide additional insights on WS/BS interactions.
John Michael Kane Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 To some extent, it is all about power. Many here council the BS to "have dignity", "prepare to leave", "only accept the WS back if he/she does everything right". All these advice is to bolster the "negotiating" power of the BS. If the BS is so emotionally attached to the WS and is willing to do anything, or cannot leave because of financial incentives, or whatever reasons, the BS "wins". To use an example .. Arnold is so blatant because he knows that worse come to worse, he will just get another girl. She won't be Maria, but he is also not going to be alone if he does not wish it. From an intellectual power point of view, the scenario is very much a negotiation scenario (note that even NOT negotiating, i.e. ... giving an ultimatum, or doing a 180, is a form of negotiating). I wonder if looking at the negotiation literature will provide additional insights on WS/BS interactions. It has nothing to do with ego or having power. It has to do with making smart decisions and protecting yourself against someone who obviously doesn't care who they hurt.
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