My wife cheated on me, having a hard time coping

May 26, 2011

My wife and I have been together since late in high school, over 7 years now, and we would be married for 5 years this June. We both lost our virginity to each other and have never had sex with anyone else. Everything has been great until the past year. I was waiting for my wife to finish her final year of college and was working alot, getting ready to move to a new town where I am going back to school to finish my education. About the beginning of the year, she started experiencing alot of anxiety and went to a therapist to talk about it. They ended up giving her some medication and not long after, she either entered a depression, or just went deeper into some sort of depression. It turns out that even though she was completely supportive of moving and me continuing my education, she was really upset about the coming move and it was contributing to her depression along with school stress and other small things. Anyway, she started to talk to this guy she works with, giving him a ride home a few times because he had no car(which I had a huge problem with from the beginning and she stopped after I told her). Not long after, she confessed to me that he had asked her to be more than friends and that she felt horrible and guilty for even letting it come to that. I expressed how upset I was about it and she swore to not let it go any further. About two weeks later she had gone to talk to him because he had a close family member pass away and she said he had tried to kiss her but she stopped him. Again she told me how bad she felt and that she didn't want anyone but me. Then another few weeks she told me that she went to see him again while he was at some store and he sat in her car and talked to her.

She went and talked to a therapist, who told her that a lot of times when something major like this was happening in their life that they didn't like, that they would sub-conciously try to sabotage it. The therapist had told her she thought this was what was going on. Even more to add to the fact, the guy is pretty much the complete opposite of anyone she would want to be with (although I am extremely bothered by it because he is much larger in physical stature than me, although she says it has nothing to do with it). So I accepted this reasoning, thinking the therapist must know what she is talking about and my wife thought she was right as well.

Then things just sorta went silent for awhile. She finished her classes, I worked alot and we just sort of lived together but that was about it. She still told me she loved me every night before going to sleep just as we always have. After her graduation, we moved to the new town and the whole time she acted horribly depressed and when I gave her any attention, she just kind of avoided me.

Then about a week and a half ago, she broke down and admitted to me that about a month ago, she had went to see him again and they did "pretty much everything besides having actual sex". And not only that, it happened three times in about a one week period. She admitted to me that she had feelings for the guy and that she had told him she loved him after he said it to her. She said she could never say it to him in person and that whatever she felt was nothing like how she felt with me. She said that she just felt like there was someone else in her body, she said she knew it was wrong but that she just did it and didn't know why. She told me that he initiated it that she kept saying no, but that it happened anyway. And he tried to go all the way all three times but that she said no and wouldn't let it go further. She told me that she didn't enjoy it and that she was just tense and stressed out the whole time it was going on. Finally she told him that she could not see him anymore and that he could never talk to her again. She said she hasn't talked to him since.

When she told me I of course felt devastated. I couldn't believe my wife would ever do this to me after all we had gone through together. I love her so much, and all I want is for us to stay together but I'm so sickened by what she did to me with another man. I don't know if the whole depression thing is just a lie or if it really did contribute to the situation. She told me how sorry she was multiple times and that she would never do anything to hurt me again. She seems a little bit happier now that she was before and we talk alot about things that were bothering us before that we did not. I realize now how much I neglected her that last year and that I really didn't show her the love and affection that she needed. I realize now that our sexual frequency was signicantly less than in previous years when we made love multple times a week. This past year it has been only a couple times a month, if that. After I told her that I was sorry about not giving her the affection she needed, she said that the guy had continuously complimented her at work, and talked to her alot about her family, hobbies etc and that she started having feelings for him because of that. What bothers me most is the kind of guy he was. He doesn't really have any goals in life and just sorta goes along with life working at a rather crappy job (fast food restaurant). He is also kind of a thug from what I know about him and other than being physically attractive, I don't know how she could be with him.

She is gone right now to get tested, which is something we both feel like she needed to do. After I decided to try and work it out, we have been having the best sex we have ever had. Most of the time she continuously shows me her affection as I do her. I just feel like I shouldn't give in so easily and forgive her, but she is all I want. Part of me wants to go out and cheat on her so she knows how it feels, but I don't know that I could go through with it and I know its a horrible idea.

She still has days where she is just depressed and sad, and that of course makes me the same way because I feel like something else is going on again. She said it is just the depression but that she would come out of it with time. I just need some advice, do you think I should keep trying to work it out with her or move on? What kind of things can I do to try and get over this? I feel like I shouldn't just give her everything she needs after she did this to me, but I have a hard time being cold to her now.....

Sorry for the long post......just trying to put everything out there.

May 26, 2011

My wife and I have been together since late in high school, over 7 years now, and we would be married for 5 years this June. We both lost our virginity to each other and have never had sex with anyone else. Everything has been great until the past year. I was waiting for my wife to finish her final year of college and was working alot, getting ready to move to a new town where I am going back to school to finish my education. About the beginning of the year, she started experiencing alot of anxiety and went to a therapist to talk about it. They ended up giving her some medication and not long after, she either entered a depression, or just went deeper into some sort of depression. It turns out that even though she was completely supportive of moving and me continuing my education, she was really upset about the coming move and it was contributing to her depression along with school stress and other small things. Anyway, she started to talk to this guy she works with, giving him a ride home a few times because he had no car(which I had a huge problem with from the beginning and she stopped after I told her). Not long after, she confessed to me that he had asked her to be more than friends and that she felt horrible and guilty for even letting it come to that. I expressed how upset I was about it and she swore to not let it go any further. About two weeks later she had gone to talk to him because he had a close family member pass away and she said he had tried to kiss her but she stopped him. Again she told me how bad she felt and that she didn't want anyone but me. Then another few weeks she told me that she went to see him again while he was at some store and he sat in her car and talked to her.

She went and talked to a therapist, who told her that a lot of times when something major like this was happening in their life that they didn't like, that they would sub-conciously try to sabotage it. The therapist had told her she thought this was what was going on. Even more to add to the fact, the guy is pretty much the complete opposite of anyone she would want to be with (although I am extremely bothered by it because he is much larger in physical stature than me, although she says it has nothing to do with it). So I accepted this reasoning, thinking the therapist must know what she is talking about and my wife thought she was right as well.

Then things just sorta went silent for awhile. She finished her classes, I worked alot and we just sort of lived together but that was about it. She still told me she loved me every night before going to sleep just as we always have. After her graduation, we moved to the new town and the whole time she acted horribly depressed and when I gave her any attention, she just kind of avoided me.

Then about a week and a half ago, she broke down and admitted to me that about a month ago, she had went to see him again and they did "pretty much everything besides having actual sex". And not only that, it happened three times in about a one week period. She admitted to me that she had feelings for the guy and that she had told him she loved him after he said it to her. She said she could never say it to him in person and that whatever she felt was nothing like how she felt with me. She said that she just felt like there was someone else in her body, she said she knew it was wrong but that she just did it and didn't know why. She told me that he initiated it that she kept saying no, but that it happened anyway. And he tried to go all the way all three times but that she said no and wouldn't let it go further. She told me that she didn't enjoy it and that she was just tense and stressed out the whole time it was going on. Finally she told him that she could not see him anymore and that he could never talk to her again. She said she hasn't talked to him since.

When she told me I of course felt devastated. I couldn't believe my wife would ever do this to me after all we had gone through together. I love her so much, and all I want is for us to stay together but I'm so sickened by what she did to me with another man. I don't know if the whole depression thing is just a lie or if it really did contribute to the situation. She told me how sorry she was multiple times and that she would never do anything to hurt me again. She seems a little bit happier now that she was before and we talk alot about things that were bothering us before that we did not. I realize now how much I neglected her that last year and that I really didn't show her the love and affection that she needed. I realize now that our sexual frequency was signicantly less than in previous years when we made love multple times a week. This past year it has been only a couple times a month, if that. After I told her that I was sorry about not giving her the affection she needed, she said that the guy had continuously complimented her at work, and talked to her alot about her family, hobbies etc and that she started having feelings for him because of that. What bothers me most is the kind of guy he was. He doesn't really have any goals in life and just sorta goes along with life working at a rather crappy job (fast food restaurant). He is also kind of a thug from what I know about him and other than being physically attractive, I don't know how she could be with him.

She is gone right now to get tested, which is something we both feel like she needed to do. After I decided to try and work it out, we have been having the best sex we have ever had. Most of the time she continuously shows me her affection as I do her. I just feel like I shouldn't give in so easily and forgive her, but she is all I want. Part of me wants to go out and cheat on her so she knows how it feels, but I don't know that I could go through with it and I know its a horrible idea.

She still has days where she is just depressed and sad, and that of course makes me the same way because I feel like something else is going on again. She said it is just the depression but that she would come out of it with time. I just need some advice, do you think I should keep trying to work it out with her or move on? What kind of things can I do to try and get over this? I feel like I shouldn't just give her everything she needs after she did this to me, but I have a hard time being cold to her now.....

Sorry for the long post......just trying to put everything out there.

I know how you feel about that bond being destroyed, especially considering you both were virgins (if she wasn't lying to you about that).

So let me get this straight. Your wife foolishly risked her life by driving a guy home, someone she barely knew at work. Then she cheats on you with this guy multiple times and keeps lying to you about the details (if you're wondering what I'm implying it's yes, she screwed the guy but she won't tell you).

Divorce.

May 26, 2011

Go with what you feel is right in your heart, not some perverted sense of justice in the back of your mind. Go back and read your own post. Pay particular attention to thoughts like:

"I neglected her that last year and that I really didn't show her the love and affection that she needed"

"the guy had continuously complimented her at work, and talked to her alot about her family, hobbies etc"

You seem surprised she would even be attracted to him, that he's not her type. Guess what? A man that makes her feel attractive and interesting and special is ALWAYS any woman's type. And as her husband, that's YOUR job. Yeah, it's work, but nothing worth having is ever anything else.

Don't even think about a revenge affair. If you want to make it work, make it work. If you don't, get a divorce. I read your post and hear a guy that loves his wife, in spite of what happened. Love like that doesn't come along every day. Good luck.

May 26, 2011

I know that before we were together that she was a virgin, I have no doubt about that. And yes, what you said is correct. I am having a hard time believing it didn't go further, but I think she is being honest. I don't know how I am supposed to believe her 100% after she betrayed me.

May 26, 2011

Go with what you feel is right in your heart, not some perverted sense of justice in the back of your mind. Go back and read your own post. Pay particular attention to thoughts like:

"I neglected her that last year and that I really didn't show her the love and affection that she needed"

"the guy had continuously complimented her at work, and talked to her alot about her family, hobbies etc"

You seem surprised she would even be attracted to him, that he's not her type. Guess what? A man that makes her feel attractive and interesting and special is ALWAYS any woman's type. And as her husband, that's YOUR job. Yeah, it's work, but nothing worth having is ever anything else.

Don't even think about a revenge affair. If you want to make it work, make it work. If you don't, get a divorce. I read your post and hear a guy that loves his wife, in spite of what happened. Love like that doesn't come along every day. Good luck.

I see what you are saying about me neglecting her, I have come to terms with the fact that this is at least in some small part, my fault as well. My problem is that she was doing the same thing to me and I didn't have an affair. If I had someone continuously prodding me with compliments....I don't know how I would have reacted though. I do feel like we have/had something really special and it is very hard for me to even consider ending it. I just don't know how to get past this, now everytime we talk about something in the past, or visit somewhere, the first thing I do is think about if my wife had cheated on me the last time we were there. It's always at the front of my mind, and being in a new town where we both know NO ONE, it is really hard to find anyone to talk to. We have both only told our very best friends (two people outside of the two of us and the man she had the affair with know). I know that if we do work through it, I don't want to be continuously reminded of it by other people.

May 26, 2011

You share the blame for the condition of your marriage that led up to the affair. You share no blame whatsoever for the affair itself. That's all on her. She needs to own that. She needs to find a way to make it up to you. That doesn't mean she needs to be your doormat, that doesn't mean she needs to be some pathetic little creature that kisses your behind all the time. That means she needs to make sure that you never doubt her again from this point on.

And if she can do that, you have to be able to accept that what's past is past. That won't be easy and it will take time, but it will eventually happen, if you both want it badly enough.

MC (if you can afford it and can find a decent one) would help a lot. If you still love her, what do you have to lose but time?

May 26, 2011

Hi devastatedhusband,

I'm really sorry for what you went through, and I"m sorry if what I'm going to say next sounds really harsh.

Then about a week and a half ago, she broke down and admitted to me that about a month ago, she had went to see him again and they did "pretty much everything besides having actual sex". And not only that, it happened three times in about a one week period. She admitted to me that she had feelings for the guy and that she had told him she loved him after he said it to her. She said she could never say it to him in person and that whatever she felt was nothing like how she felt with me.

I'm really sorry to say this, I don't mean to add to your pain.

But chances are that what she felt with him was a lot more intense than what she felt with you.

I unfortunately was involved in an affair and that feeling of being with someone that you can't have, having a connection with them, having them feed your ego - it creates what's called an affair fog.

With my xMM I felt things that i've never felt with anyone else, and he said that same of me (sure, he could have been lying), but read some threads around here and you will see that generally in affairs, the feelings are way more intense than they are in real life situations.

So I guess she's not lying when she says what's in bold, but I'd be wondering what she really felt was better.

I really am sorry, I honestly don't mean to add to your pain, but this girl is so downplaying what she's done and she's feeding you lies.

She said that she just felt like there was someone else in her body,

That's complete crap. It was her, she was aware, she still did it.

she said she knew it was wrong but that she just did it and didn't know why. She told me that he initiated it that she kept saying no, but that it happened anyway.

Does it really matter who initiated what?

cheaters always try to downplay it to their betrayed spouse - but the point is, they still went through with it, they still betrayed, they still broke their vows - its just ridiculous to make it all seem like the AP's fault - oh it was all them

And he tried to go all the way all three times but that she said no and wouldn't let it go further. She told me that she didn't enjoy it and that she was just tense and stressed out the whole time it was going on.

If she was so stressed out and it was so unpleasant, why did she go back at least twice?

Finally she told him that she could not see him anymore and that he could never talk to her again. She said she hasn't talked to him since.

When she told me I of course felt devastated. I couldn't believe my wife would ever do this to me after all we had gone through together. I love her so much, and all I want is for us to stay together but I'm so sickened by what she did to me with another man. I don't know if the whole depression thing is just a lie or if it really did contribute to the situation. She told me how sorry she was multiple times and that she would never do anything to hurt me again. She seems a little bit happier now that she was before and we talk alot about things that were bothering us before that we did not. I realize now how much I neglected her that last year and that I really didn't show her the love and affection that she needed. I realize now that our sexual frequency was signicantly less than in previous years when we made love multple times a week. This past year it has been only a couple times a month, if that. After I told her that I was sorry about not giving her the affection she needed, she said that the guy had continuously complimented her at work, and talked to her alot about her family, hobbies etc and that she started having feelings for him because of that. What bothers me most is the kind of guy he was. He doesn't really have any goals in life and just sorta goes along with life working at a rather crappy job (fast food restaurant). He is also kind of a thug from what I know about him and other than being physically attractive, I don't know how she could be with him.

Maybe she really is depressed and that made her more vulnerable, but that still doesn't excuse the fact that she chose to do what she did.

It doens't excuse it at all.

The rest of the stuff in bold is you making excuses for her and blaming yourself. Don't do that!!

Even if you neglected her a bit, she could have talked to and expressed her hurt or her needs, but she didn't.

The sex stuff - pleeeeaaase!!

are you supposed to be the one that initiates things constantly?

If she wanted sex, why didn't she go to you and initiate things? or did you just constantly turn her down?

She is gone right now to get tested which is something we both feel like she needed to do. After I decided to try and work it out, we have been having the best sex we have ever had. Most of the time she continuously shows me her affection as I do her. I just feel like I shouldn't give in so easily and forgive her, but she is all I want. Part of me wants to go out and cheat on her so she knows how it feels, but I don't know that I could go through with it and I know its a horrible idea.

She still has days where she is just depressed and sad, and that of course makes me the same way because I feel like something else is going on again. She said it is just the depression but that she would come out of it with time. I just need some advice, do you think I should keep trying to work it out with her or move on? What kind of things can I do to try and get over this? I feel like I shouldn't just give her everything she needs after she did this to me, but I have a hard time being cold to her now.....

Sorry for the long post......just trying to put everything out there.

Others who have been in your shoes will be able to better advise you.

Honestly though, i see you taking a lot of the blame and letting her off the hook easily.

If she sees that you'll just take it like a doormat, what's to stop her from doing it again - it doesn't seem like there are consequences to her actions, YOU actually apologized to HER!!

May 26, 2011

Dude none of this is your fault. Do not take any blame for this because that will just make you feel even more like crap. If she had a problem she should've came to you, not driving some dude home from work.

May 26, 2011

I am so sorry what you are going through. I have to tell you that almost 100 percent of the time the cheater never tells the whole truth the first time. Why would she do everything but intercourse multiple times knowing she could destroy her marriage? Why would she be willing to do everything but? It does not make sense.

You say she is happier now. What have been the consequences to her actions? She now knows that she has had almost sex (I guess that means oral sex) multiple times and her husband forgives her. What is wrong with this picture? I have a hunch that maybe she was willing to betray you this way because she knew down deep that you would forgive her and their would be no consequences to her actions. If the roles had been reversed do you honestly think your wife would be as accepting as you have been? The way you described this other guy, it is highly unlikely that he did not have intercourse with her and I think you know this. I wish you luck but you can almost guarantee that there is more to this story than you know.

May 26, 2011

Somebody already toched on the part about how she felt awful and confused and hated it, but went back (at least) 2 more times. I'd like to expand with this:

What bothers me most is the kind of guy he was. He doesn't really have any goals in life and just sorta goes along with life working at a rather crappy job (fast food restaurant). He is also kind of a thug from what I know about him and other than being physically attractive, I don't know how she could be with him.

A hot looking bad boy who doesn't let the rules hold him down. I'm a dude and I think I already know why she went back for more. He's her type, all right. He's EVERY chick's type. Hell, I think he's MY type and I'm straight.

May 26, 2011

devastatedhusband: You are going to get a lot of advice on this thread but nothing can take the place of professional counseling for you right now. Please believe me when I tell you that you are in a state of crisis right now and you need to work with someone who can help you though the initial trauma of this incident.

Let me pass on something to you that I wish I would have done when my wife told me about her cheating: find another place to stay for a while so you can evaluate all of this without having to interact with her. Stop blaming yourself for her betrayal and stop sugar-coating her cheating. Be real with yourself, find a counselor (ASAP) and get away from her constant influence and attempts to color her cheating as anything but the horrible betrayal that it is.

Since you don't have children together, you need to decide whether your relationship is worth all the pain, anger, shame, and heartache you are going to have to live through if you attempt reconciliation. Knowing what I know about the struggle, I always advise childless couples to make a clean break, file for divorce, and start making a new life for yourselves.

May 26, 2011

You share the blame for the condition of your marriage that led up to the affair. You share no blame whatsoever for the affair itself. That's all on her. She needs to own that. She needs to find a way to make it up to you. That doesn't mean she needs to be your doormat, that doesn't mean she needs to be some pathetic little creature that kisses your behind all the time. That means she needs to make sure that you never doubt her again from this point on.

And if she can do that, you have to be able to accept that what's past is past. That won't be easy and it will take time, but it will eventually happen, if you both want it badly enough.

MC (if you can afford it and can find a decent one) would help a lot. If you still love her, what do you have to lose but time?

I agree with all of this. I will say, however, that I also agree with Bryanp -- more than likely, there is more to this than she's admitted to. Cheaters rarely tell the whole story -- they tell what they feel they must, based on what they think is likely to be found out through other means. It is entirely possible that she had sex with him, at least once.

The fine distinction may be meaningless, of course; her willingness to get an STD test indicates that something sexual happened between them. Whether or not you want to know the gory details is up to you, as is the decision as to whether or not you could stay with her if e.g., they'd gone no further than oral.

You have a long and difficult road ahead of you. I'm not going to give an opinion as to whether or not you should stay with her. But in any event, you should tell her that you require the following, and that they're non-negotiable:

1. Henceforth, you want unlimited, 24/7 access to her cell phone, email, Facebook, internet history... everything. That means passwords.

2. She must make herself accountable to you, whenever you need to know. Ideally, she should text you of her own volition as to her whereabouts from time to time.

3. No contact with the OM, ever. Period. He is persona non grata. He gets de-friended on Facebook. And if he ever contacts HER, by any means -- phone, text, email, in person, etc. -- she immediately tells you about it, and if it's in writing, lets you see it (rather than just deleting it).

The only way for your marriage to have a CHANCE of survival is for her to rebuild the trust she's destroyed. All of the above have that as their object. If she refuses, or expresses resistance, or starts whining about her need for "privacy", that will tell you a lot about her commitment to you and to being forthright from now on. Those with nothing to hide, hide nothing.

Good luck mang...

May 26, 2011

Lesson to be Learned Don't settle down until you've gained some experience and confidence in your ability to attract other women. Options=power=confidence=happiness.

May 27, 2011

If she didn't finish with him, (sex)---why is she going to be tested

That line about someone else invading her body---probably is true-----but she still knew right from wrong---and she still knew what she was doing---every step of the way

If she is jumping ship on you this quickly into the mge---because of marital problems---be prepared for more of the same in the future

I don't know how she will handle accountability, but there better be some on her part---if you just TAKE HER BACK-----she will do this again-----and once again you won't even know-----she obviously has no problem going off with "BAD BOYS"------you being mr. nice guy---you finish last

Be careful how you handle this---you both probably need IC

Also check her FOO, were there any problems there---that could be causing her to act out the way she has.

May 27, 2011

I noticed you are trying to see value in the OM but it sounds like the attraction was simply attention.

Not knowing what her state of mind is all I can tell you is depression can escalate this or contribute to her feelings of self worth & therefore cause her to be more vulnerable. That however does NOT excuse her actions. Infidelity is serious breach of trust in a relationship. That trust has to be rebuilt & it takes time & effort over a long period of time & will most likely never be what it once was. She needs to rebuild that trust, every day for as long as it takes. You can not hold it over her and use it against her or the relationship will unravel. I would strongly recommend a therapist who specializes in relationship & in particular infidelity & she needs to be properly diagnosed & treated for her depression. Antidepressants are a wonderful band-aide to numb some ones emotions while the real issues are worked on. Novocain can take care of a toothache but you really need to get the tooth fixed.

I didn’t mean to imply all the work is on her to rebuild trust here; You are understandably angry but cheating on her will end the relationship & do nothing for your self worth, I think you know that. And part of the therapy is to help you be a better, more attentive husband. People tend to take each other for granted after awhile, especially in your case where the two of you have been together exclusively. Having said that; There is NO excuse for infidelity, ever. You talk or you walk but you never do that to your partner or yourself.

May 27, 2011

I wanted to respond before reading other responses & I'm glad I did. However after reading the rest of them I see I didn't need add my 2 cents. With the exception of one or two of them you got some good feed back IMO. The kind of stuff I used to charge people for :-)

Best of of luck to you.

And I'm going to remember a few of the names here when I need advise :-)

May 27, 2011

If she didn't finish with him, (sex)---why is she going to be tested

I thought of that too, but she sucked the guy off - she could still get herpes an probably other stuff.

May 27, 2011

find another place to stay for a while so you can evaluate all of this without having to interact with her..

Why should HE have to find another place to stay when she was the one that cheated? OP, pack her stuff up in boxes and put them in the garage, give your wife her marching orders.

May 27, 2011

And he tried to go all the way all three times but that she said no and wouldn't let it go further. She told me that she didn't enjoy it and that she was just tense and stressed out the whole time it was going on.

She's lying, she wouldn't have kept going back back if she didn't enjoy it. If it only happened one time then maybe but she went back 2 more times KNOWING it would happened again. She wanted it.

Finally she told him that she could not see him anymore and that he could never talk to her again. She said she hasn't talked to him since.

So far, give it a couple of months and see if she doesn't try to contact him. If she didn't have the willpower to resist him assuming she didn't "want" it then you expect her to have the willpower to maintain NC?

He is also kind of a thug from what I know about him and other than being physically attractive, I don't know how she could be with him.

Who he is doesn't matter, the fact that he is so different may make him more attractive. He gives her attention and that's all she cares about.

She is gone right now to get tested, which is something we both feel like she needed to do.

Which hints she actually had sex. I don't think she would go through with the embarrassment of getting tested if it didn't get that far.

I feel like I shouldn't just give her everything she needs after she did this to me, but I have a hard time being cold to her now.....

The right thing to do is rarely easy.

If you are nice to her you will be setting things up for her to cheat again in the future. Don't assume she learned her lesson and will feel too guilty to ever do anything like that again. I fell into that trap and 6 months later my W went right back to the OM.

I would get away from her for a while so you can think about what you really want without her influencing you and let her suffer some of the consequences of what she did. She has to know you have one foot out the door and will not be disrespected.

May 27, 2011

Hey Dev---Your main problems now as I said before---are---she is doing this way to early in the mge------The problem needs to be fixed, before you can even consider staying with her

She said it wasn't good---but kept going back again, and again, and again-----either she has no ability to say NO to what she knew was wrong---or she wanted what she was getting

Your mge, how bad was it---that she used her depression, as an excuse---to destroy the mge. completely

Do not have any kids with this woman---that would bind you to her, for a long period of time, and that would not be good for YOU

What is she actually doing, to rebuild your trust-------and get back into the mge----remember--she knows how to decieve, lie, connive, and manipulate----she did it with ease---and you NEVER KNEW what was really going on----she just plain told you what you wanted to hear, and went and got what she wanted, again, and again, and again

What she has done is to bring a scumbag into your life, and you could very well be stuck with him trying to get at her---if he liked what he was getting from her

Do not be so quick to forgive-----No matter which way you go---you have to hold a hardline about what she has done---For now stop the lovey--dovey----and no matter what---do not have a retaliation A---that just lowers you to her level

May 27, 2011

Then about a week and a half ago, she broke down and admitted to me that about a month ago, she had went to see him again and they did "pretty much everything besides having actual sex".

i hope you don't believe that line of crap do you?

people like your so-called wife will tell this little half truth to make it look like they are honest, and most of them will think that if the actual penetration didn't occur, that it wasn't as bad as it seems and that it isn't really infidelity.

trust me, if they did everything under the sun, and clothes were off, or at least the bottom half, they DID have sex.

And not only that, it happened three times in about a one week period. She admitted to me that she had feelings for the guy and that she had told him she loved him after he said it to her.

ya ya, blah blah. another line of bulls##t. trying to tell you the only reason she said she loved him is because he said it to her first.

She said she could never say it to him in person and that whatever she felt was nothing like how she felt with me. She said that she just felt like there was someone else in her body, she said she knew it was wrong but that she just did it and didn't know why.

another lie. she knows why, because she wanted it. she is trying to spare your feelings and trying to look innocent. as if a strange force had taken her over of which she had no control:rolleyes:

She told me that he initiated it that she kept saying no, but that it happened anyway. And he tried to go all the way all three times but that she said no and wouldn't let it go further. She told me that she didn't enjoy it and that she was just tense and stressed out the whole time it was going on. Finally she told him that she could not see him anymore and that he could never talk to her again. She said she hasn't talked to him since.

boy, your wife seems to be one of the biggest liars I have read about on here.

everything you just told us that she said is a lie in the hopes that you don't put her on the street, where she belongs I might add.

She told me how sorry she was multiple times and that she would never do anything to hurt me again.

only way for that to be a guarantee is for someone like her to become a hermit and never go out without you.

if she ever went out with friends, for example, to a bar or club for drinks, there is no way someone like your wife can make this guarantee to you. She can't handle temptation (that all being aside from everything she told you about not wanting it to telling him no are some of the biggest lies heard yet)

She seems a little bit happier now that she was before and we talk alot about things that were bothering us before that we did not. I realize now how much I neglected her that last year and that I really didn't show her the love and affection that she needed.

so she has you thinking this is your fault now

I thought she said she didn't know why she did it?

I realize now that our sexual frequency was signicantly less than in previous years when we made love multple times a week.

ok, so because the sex just isn't AS frequent, thats the excuse??

damn well you better give it to her every night. one night missed and she'll be on the prowl.

I realize my half joking here might come off bad, but you have to open your eyes. You are making excuses for her. and you are insinuating that one needs to walk on eggshells to keep someone from cheating.

LOVE should keep someone from cheating. Otherwise it isn't love.

This past year it has been only a couple times a month, if that. After I told her that I was sorry about not giving her the affection she needed, she said that the guy had continuously complimented her at work, and talked to her alot about her family, hobbies etc and that she started having feelings for him because of that. What bothers me most is the kind of guy he was. He doesn't really have any goals in life and just sorta goes along with life working at a rather crappy job (fast food restaurant). He is also kind of a thug from what I know about him and other than being physically attractive, I don't know how she could be with him.

well then, she is going to start looking for another job right?

of course there will be other men at other places of work that can sway someone looking for attention.

and there doesn't have to be neglect in a relationship for someone like your wife to suck up attention from someone merely trying to get in their pants.

and you did not neglect her. things slip off once in a while, the fires aren't ever as hot as when a relationship is new. They can still be hot, just not as hot as someone like you wife would like to make excuses to go off and cheat.

She is gone right now to get tested, which is something we both feel like she needed to do. After I decided to try and work it out, we have been having the best sex we have ever had.

well it might be kind of late, but you need to refrain from sex with her until she gets results. especially after f*****g her bad boy thug.

Most of the time she continuously shows me her affection as I do her. I just feel like I shouldn't give in so easily and forgive her, but she is all I want.

I have to ask a question and this is a serious one. Why do you want someone that would go behind your back and lower herself on another guy's member?

again, I put it that way because I don't think you really think you get a sense of exactly what went on if I simply said they had sex. (I know, she said they didn't have sex:rolleyes:)

Part of me wants to go out and cheat on her so she knows how it feels, but I don't know that I could go through with it and I know its a horrible idea.

no DO NOT do that. you will become no better than her. you should have more respect for yourself than that.

She still has days where she is just depressed and sad, and that of course makes me the same way because I feel like something else is going on again.

you better believe she is sad because she is facing having to give up her bad boy co-worker. she is going through withdrawals and missing him. Because if everything she told you was the truth, which it isn't, she'd have no problem weening herself off him.

I just need some advice, do you think I should keep trying to work it out with her or move on?

move on. why? because if you stay and things even seem to get better, you will always from time to time have these visions of what she did with him pop in your head. what kind of life is that?

What kind of things can I do to try and get over this?

divorce her and move on. nothing will help you get over her than knowing she is no longer your problem. that coupled with dating and having fun, and when you find a good woman, you'll wonder why you didn't do it sooner.

I feel like I shouldn't just give her everything she needs after she did this to me, but I have a hard time being cold to her now.....

give her what SHE needs?? she should be the one doing the giving right now.

the above statement shows me that she has a sense of entitlement. she cheated, but its about poor her.

she should be getting on her knees giving thanks that you don't give her divorce papers.

If you don't have kids and have only been married a couple years, get a good attorney and have them start drawing up annulment papers QUICK, before its too late.

May 27, 2011

You share the blame for the condition of your marriage that led up to the affair. You share no blame whatsoever for the affair itself. That's all on her. She needs to own that. She needs to find a way to make it up to you. That doesn't mean she needs to be your doormat

acutally, yes, it does. at least for a short period of time anyway.

May 27, 2011

acutally, yes, it does. at least for a short period of time anyway.

I wipe my feet on doormats. I couldn't wipe my feet on someone I loved.

May 27, 2011

Why should HE have to find another place to stay when she was the one that cheated? OP, pack her stuff up in boxes and put them in the garage, give your wife her marching orders.

Either way is fine. My point is that it is very difficult to deal with the flood of emotions in the wake of d-day and the very presence of the WS can color the thinking of a BS. Put distance between the two of you and find someone neutral (counselor?) who can help you focus on making decisions that are right for you. The WS will continue to spin their agenda and can coerce you into making bad decisions due to your damaged emotional state.

May 27, 2011

My point is that it is very difficult to deal with the flood of emotions in the wake of d-day and the very presence of the WS can color the thinking of a BS....The WS will continue to spin their agenda and can coerce you into making bad decisions due to your damaged emotional state.

Or in spite of it. This is a true statement and something us LS members need to really consider when a new poster shows up here. Remember how you felt? People simply cannot adopt months or years of dealing overnight.

Reading the original post, my instincts tell me this man has been in the picture from the start. But, as everyone here knows and agrees on, he isn't the root of the problem; she is. There will always be 'that guy.' Mr. Dickhead, on the prowl. Good as they are at getting in, it would be impossible if wifey wasn't looking to begin with. I don't care who you are or what the circumstance, loving wives do not cheat on their husbands.

OP, the real enemy of your marriage is living inside your house. Get that fact right and you'll figure out the rest in due time. Actions, not words-

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My wife cheated on me, having a hard time coping

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