Author SadDazedConfused Posted May 31, 2011 Author Posted May 31, 2011 I don't believe that he looks at the situation like either of us is on higher ground than the other. Our situations and history are different as far as how the trust was broken and what we have been through. I have problems and trust issues with him as well. It's a process, I understand that, to earn the trust back. I don't trust him to go out with his friends without me at this point. That was when most of his cheating took place. So, knowing the history, that is MY sticking point. He was lied to, to his face, on numerous occasions in regard to my infidelity, so now trying to take my word as the truth, I can understand is hard for him. Especially when I have sworn to him in the past that it WAS the truth then. There is no way for me to prove to him though, that THIS time I really am telling him the truth, and it's hard to deal with, but I know it's my fault that he doesn't fully trust me. I broke that trust, so it's my fault. I also told him at one point, that I cheated on him out of revenge. Maybe it was a poor choice of words, but at the time, I was miserable and felt like he was responsible for making me happy. Since he wasn't, I ended up going elsewhere for attention and validation and to stroke my ego, and it led to my having sex with another man. I know now, that my unhappiness and lack of being able to deal with it, had nothing to do with him, and I have told him that and apologized for my stupidity. The word revenge though sticks in his head, and he has a hard time coping with the idea that I would sleep with someone else out of revenge. I keep trying to tell him it was just a poor choice of words. I ask him what he would characterize his cheating as. He wasn't getting what he wanted or needed at home, and sought it elsewhere. He said he wasn't angry and didn't do it to get back at me, he just felt like I was never going to make him happy and wasn't willing to make the effort to give him what he needed, so when another woman was willing, he crossed the line. I say it's the same thing, but he says he never would have called it revenge or have done it to get back at me. He says it wasn't a situation where I was happy and he was miserable, so to even things he'd go elsewhere to make himself happy and to get back at me.
dale_gribble Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 Au contraire mon frere... reboot. I'm not damaged goods in that department. She cheated with two guys already... how ****ed up is that. You mean to tell me you didn't learn the first time? I'm not hear to lay on you, but JESUS... do you see where one might be inclined to be less than receptive to your current situation. You did it once, and recieved the gift of RECONCILIATION, yet you did it again? Man, that speeks volumes of you character.
Author SadDazedConfused Posted June 17, 2011 Author Posted June 17, 2011 I know I lied in the past about what happened, but he did as well. Well he hid his affairs from me well enough that I never suspected, and never confronted him, so I don't know if he would have lied or not. My two affairs occured within a few months of each other, and there was no reconciliation between them. When my husband suspected something was going on during the 2nd one, I ended it and did lie to him that nothing physical had happened, but it wasn't like he found out about the first one, we worked it out, then I cheated again. He had sex with two different women (one was a one night stand on a business trip, and the other was a woman in town that he had sex with 4 times). He also made out with a dozen or so women at bars over the span of 6 years. I believe his story, and I don't question that there is more to it, so I just want him to believe me that there is nothing more that I am hiding.
Untouchable_Fire Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 I know I lied in the past about what happened, but he did as well. Well he hid his affairs from me well enough that I never suspected, and never confronted him, so I don't know if he would have lied or not. My two affairs occured within a few months of each other, and there was no reconciliation between them. When my husband suspected something was going on during the 2nd one, I ended it and did lie to him that nothing physical had happened, but it wasn't like he found out about the first one, we worked it out, then I cheated again. He had sex with two different women (one was a one night stand on a business trip, and the other was a woman in town that he had sex with 4 times). He also made out with a dozen or so women at bars over the span of 6 years. I believe his story, and I don't question that there is more to it, so I just want him to believe me that there is nothing more that I am hiding. Personally, I feel like he is lying about the cheating to make you feel what he feels.
nyrias Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 Nothing you can do but answer his questions and support him with his choices. Considering your past, why would you expect him to believe you entirely? And why do you feel that you have to cheat (twice)? Not true. She can also leave and let him move on.
Author SadDazedConfused Posted June 17, 2011 Author Posted June 17, 2011 What part about the cheating do you think he is lying about? Why would he make something like that up??
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