SadDazedConfused Posted May 26, 2011 Posted May 26, 2011 So my husband and I are really trying to work through things, and for the most part, things are much better. We are both really making an effort to put the time and effort into our marriage, and also work through the prior incidents of infidelity and lying. The problem we are having right now, is that he is still not fully believing my story of what happened. Back when it happened, he had suspicions that there was more to the story than there was (and he was right). He questioned me, and I swore that nothing else happened other than what I told him (I lied). So now, I really am telling him everything, that the 2nd other man and I just made out and never did anything more than that. We never had sex, we never did anything but kiss and touch with our clothes on. That is the truth, but my husband thinks there might be more to the story. He says it's deja vu, and really it is. I know I put myself into this position by lying the first time around, but I am struggling to convince him that this time, I really am telling the truth. I have already confessed to full blown sex with the 1st other man, so why would I lie about what happened with this man? Any experience with convincing the BS that THIS really IS the truth?
reboot Posted May 26, 2011 Posted May 26, 2011 You can't convince him. He's always going to wonder. He's never going to be able to get all the way back to that place where he once was. Eventually he'll either decide it doesn't matter, or he'll decide that he can't live with it. Going forward is the important thing anyway. Your time will be better spent convincing him that he's the man you love and that you'll never stray again. If you can accomplish that, his need to know about the past will slowly fade.
Linda9999 Posted May 26, 2011 Posted May 26, 2011 As a BS, I can tell you that the only thing you can do is to answer the same questions over and over a thousand times, be very patient and loving, TRULY remorseful as demonstrated by your ACTIONS, not just your words, completely transparent with everything you do, and apologize as often as he needs it. Do not waste your time trying to convince him because it isn't up to you any more what he believes and what he doesn't.
Bryanp Posted May 26, 2011 Posted May 26, 2011 You of course caused this by not telling him the truth the first time so why he should believe anything you say now? If the roles were reversed would you believe him? I would suggest that you schedule a polygraph as a present for him so he will feel he is really hearing the whole truth.
nyrias Posted May 26, 2011 Posted May 26, 2011 You of course caused this by not telling him the truth the first time so why he should believe anything you say now? If the roles were reversed would you believe him? I would suggest that you schedule a polygraph as a present for him so he will feel he is really hearing the whole truth. Polygraphs are very unreliable. The chance of both false positives and negatives are high. I would not risk it. There is practically nothing you can do to erase doubt in someone's mind. I think both the OP & her husband either learn to live with it, or they have to split.
drifter777 Posted May 26, 2011 Posted May 26, 2011 I hope you are both getting professional help to deal with the fallout of your cheating as you should expect to run into these types of emotional "land mines" for a long, long time. That's because it's relatively easy for a BS to try and forgive their WS because they are so hurt and confused early on that they become desperate for the horror to stop. The BS hopes that if they commit themselves to forgive & forget that things will get better over time because, in the short term, it helps ease the pain and gives them hope for the future. Then real-life intrudes on the life you wish you were living when something triggers the BS to re-live the shock & pain of the WS's cheating. Compartmentalizing his emotions helped him get through the initial shock caused by your affair, but many emotions remain unresolved. Your husband's insistence on you coming clean regarding OM #2 is one way of expressing his delayed reaction to your cheating. Recovery for a BS is a process, not an event. It takes time and there are many twists and turns and you, the WS, cannot make it go any faster just because you desperately want to put it behind you. Stop focusing on this single, current issue of your husband not believing you regarding OM #2 and try to see it as a symptom of a larger illness. He has been shattered and is doing whatever he believes will help him feel better. He is probably suffering with those horrible mental images of you and OM that plague him no matter how hard he tries to avoid them. Put yourself in his position and picture him having sex with another woman. Force yourself to keep that image in your head and feel what it's like. Then remember that your image is fictional and his is based in fact. You need to be willing to help him in his recovery by patiently answering every question no matter how many times he asks it. Put yourself in his shoes every day to remind yourself just what he is dealing with as I think it may help your perspective and expectations.
OldOnTheInside Posted May 26, 2011 Posted May 26, 2011 Nothing you can do but answer his questions and support him with his choices. Considering your past, why would you expect him to believe you entirely? And why do you feel that you have to cheat (twice)?
Spark1111 Posted May 26, 2011 Posted May 26, 2011 So my husband and I are really trying to work through things, and for the most part, things are much better. We are both really making an effort to put the time and effort into our marriage, and also work through the prior incidents of infidelity and lying. The problem we are having right now, is that he is still not fully believing my story of what happened. Back when it happened, he had suspicions that there was more to the story than there was (and he was right). He questioned me, and I swore that nothing else happened other than what I told him (I lied). So now, I really am telling him everything, that the 2nd other man and I just made out and never did anything more than that. We never had sex, we never did anything but kiss and touch with our clothes on. That is the truth, but my husband thinks there might be more to the story. He says it's deja vu, and really it is. I know I put myself into this position by lying the first time around, but I am struggling to convince him that this time, I really am telling the truth. I have already confessed to full blown sex with the 1st other man, so why would I lie about what happened with this man? Any experience with convincing the BS that THIS really IS the truth? No, just remain consistent with the answers which should be EASY to do as this is finally the truth. I wish I could tell all WS that after DDAY, at least initially, if we BS attempt to reconcile, that you give us the unvarnished, unadulterated truth to ALL of our questions. Few have the courage to do this, but it can make this difference between married and divorced. You are given a gift, a second chance, an opportunity to make it right if you answer truthfully the FIRST TIME asked. But every trickle-truth, omission, lie sets the recovery clock squarely back to zero. For your H, it is DDAY, all over again. He feels as if he cannot trust you again. He feels that he may have squandered MORE of his life giving you this second chance you did not have the courage to embrace with total honesty. He wonders if there is anything else you have not told him. He wonders if your shame was greater than helping him to heal from his pain. If you lied, than that is TRUE. So now he wonders if YOU will ever be strong enough to help him heal from YOUR actions. He wonders if he will have to be looking over his shoulder for the rest of his life waiting for your next infidelity. And this is maybe the saddest part: He now realizes what a weak person he married, one who not only betrayed him, but lied to him and continued to lie when given an opportunity for forgiveness. To me, that was the hardest part to overcome. I adored my husband and thought the sun rose and set on his shoulders. I forgave the affair fairly quickly. Harder were the lies and deceptions to sustain it. Hardest? The loss of respect for him when I realized what a weak person he truly was with his trickle-truthing. THAT is when I almost divorced him. Ahhh, love is blind. Go to counseling. Keep telling the truth. Stay consistent. He loves you or else he wouldn't still be there. Get stronger, so that he may feel someday that you are again worthy of his respect. RESPECT is the hardest emotion to obtain for your spouse after infidelity, IMHO.
What_Next Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 That is a tough nut to crack, there's no two ways about it. I can REALLY empathize with your H as well. The thing is there is no real way to MAKE him believe you. He will eventually have to come to terms with what his mind believes. Sounds trite I know, but I think that about sums it up.
Bittersweetie Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 Regaining any credibility as a WS is difficult after D-day. Especially after trickle-truthing, like I did. It was 6 months after D-day when I told my H the rest of the story, and he fell back to square one. After that, since the truth was all out, I answered every question he asked fully because I no longer had anything to hide. And now I tell him everything that happens, even if it's something he wouldn't find out about...I don't want to to hide anymore. And 1.5 years after D-day, he is starting to trust me again. So it takes a while, and all you can do is tell the truth about the past and present. I can see why he would doubt you, considering what happened, but all you can do is just continue to tell the truth. I don't think you can "convince" him it's the truth...I think it's about building trust in general. If you can continue to build trust in general, then maybe he will realize you're telling the truth in regards to this situation.
dale_gribble Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 ...you say 2nd man? You got some nerve, let me tell you. You're pretty much damaged goods as far as I'm concerned.
reboot Posted May 28, 2011 Posted May 28, 2011 Truth be told, most of us are damaged goods in one way or another. I seem to recall something about casting the first stone....
Kriss Posted May 28, 2011 Posted May 28, 2011 SD&C, as a two-time cheater you really shouldn't have any expectations about your spouse's capability to trust you.
YellowShark Posted May 28, 2011 Posted May 28, 2011 Look at it from his position SadDazedConfused. You cheated and lied to him once. Then you cheated and lied to him again. What have you taught your own husband about you? Reverse the roles.
TMCM Posted May 28, 2011 Posted May 28, 2011 (edited) Your impatience/frustration is very typical of many WS. But if you truly want to restore his trust in you, you're going to have to change your mindset and view it as a long term process that can't and shouldn't be rushed. Putting any pressure or acting in such a way that he perceives it as you putting pressure on him, will only backfire and put him back to square one. Edited May 28, 2011 by TMCM eta
John Michael Kane Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 Let's not forget the man cheated on her too. While he has a right to be angry, he has no ground above her.
TMCM Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 Let's not forget the man cheated on her too. While he has a right to be angry, he has no ground above her. True but he's not here for us to give him a virtual 2x4 whack over his head.
John Michael Kane Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 True but he's not here for us to give him a virtual 2x4 whack over his head. So what? Doesn't make a difference. They both cheated.
TMCM Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 So what? Doesn't make a difference. They both cheated. Then she should tell him that the marriage is over and start divorce proceedings. One spouse alone can't repair the marriage if the other can't let go of the past and is using it against the other. Her guilt and his lack of it only makes the case stronger for divorce.
John Michael Kane Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 Then she should tell him that the marriage is over and start divorce proceedings. One spouse alone can't repair the marriage if the other can't let go of the past and is using it against the other. Her guilt and his lack of it only makes the case stronger for divorce. Yet both cheated. Doesn't make none of their cases better. Her supposed "guilt" doesn't turn the tides for this whole situation.
TMCM Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 Yet both cheated. Doesn't make none of their cases better. Her supposed "guilt" doesn't turn the tides for this whole situation. Perhaps not but it is part of the vicious cycle that keeps this going. If she removes herself from this via divorce, the cycle will end.
John Michael Kane Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 Perhaps not but it is part of the vicious cycle that keeps this going. If she removes herself from this via divorce, the cycle will end. The cycle will end when both of them accept they have no ground above one another.
TMCM Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 The cycle will end when both of them accept they have no ground above one another. That is indeed the optimum outcome but it looks like he is having a harder time accepting it.
John Michael Kane Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 That is indeed the optimum outcome but it looks like he is having a harder time accepting it. Oh well well.
JaneyAmazed Posted May 30, 2011 Posted May 30, 2011 Your impatience/frustration is very typical of many WS. But if you truly want to restore his trust in you, you're going to have to change your mindset and view it as a long term process that can't and shouldn't be rushed. Putting any pressure or acting in such a way that he perceives it as you putting pressure on him, will only backfire and put him back to square one. Man, this is the truth! What I've learned so far is to A. Not put pressure on my H B. Not try to make him feel a certain way C. Not expect to be a certain point because the landmines will come even after much progress. D. Don't let the landmines cause impatience and panic E. If you are being 100% honest and faithful, trust the process. The best gift we have (fWS) is the fact our H's are willing to stay with us and go through the process together. If I ever start feeling sorry for myself, I remind myself that at least I have a man who is willing to give me another chance. I don't take that for granted at all. I'll never know the depth of his pain. I'll never know how bad it hurts to be betrayed. He is the strongest and most selfless man I've ever known. I respect him more than I ever have.
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