so-wrong Posted May 26, 2011 Posted May 26, 2011 Whilst I'm torturing myself over MM's email breaking NC, my BH has today texted me to say he is arranging to see a solicitor re divorcing me. I understand totally that if I don't get out of the fog quickly, I am gonna lose him for good. You guys probably won't get this, but I know for sure now that I WILL speak to MM re his question & hope that he makes it totally clear that I am history & he doesn't want to know me anymore. I know this is sad, pathetic & desperate but I need to do it in order to finally get the message & move on, with or without my poor BH. I know it will hurt me immensely also but being stuck not knowing how MM really feels is a nightmare too. I guess I need the brutal truth from him to rid me of the demons once & for all.
whichwayisup Posted May 26, 2011 Posted May 26, 2011 I guess I need the brutal truth from him to rid me of the demons once & for all. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t272263/ It hit me hard that he established NC first as that made me feel more needy The truth of what he is doing (from your past posts) is right there. He intiated NC and is sticking to it. You are the one who can't/won't let go. And, sadly you are going to lose your H over this since you CANNOT get yourself out of the fog. The A is over, your exMM chose to do NC to fix his marriage. Accept that and get counselling for yourself to help you cope. You are focussing on someone (exMM) who wants nothing to do with you, all the meanwhile your H has given up on you since you're not fighting to save your marriage.
greengoddess Posted May 26, 2011 Posted May 26, 2011 if you have to worry about mm first before thinking about your husband then you have to let your husband go.
TigerCub Posted May 26, 2011 Posted May 26, 2011 Whilst I'm torturing myself over MM's email breaking NC, my BH has today texted me to say he is arranging to see a solicitor re divorcing me. I understand totally that if I don't get out of the fog quickly, I am gonna lose him for good. You guys probably won't get this, but I know for sure now that I WILL speak to MM re his question & hope that he makes it totally clear that I am history & he doesn't want to know me anymore. I know this is sad, pathetic & desperate but I need to do it in order to finally get the message & move on, with or without my poor BH. I know it will hurt me immensely also but being stuck not knowing how MM really feels is a nightmare too. I guess I need the brutal truth from him to rid me of the demons once & for all. Hey So-Wrong, I remember reading your posts before and yeah I don't know what that "question" is, but what I highlighted in bold strikes me as odd. I completely understand that you want your closure, and as much as it hurts you want him to push you away, or tell you something that you really need to hear... but he's a liar - like all cheaters. How will you ever really know that you are getting the truth from him? how will you really know that what he tells you is "how he really feels"? Believe me, I've been there and there were times when I wanted to know if it was all a game to xMM, or if he really loved me, if he hates me now, etc... but it dawned on me, that even if he answered all those questions, I'll never really know that he told me the truth - considering how good he is at lying. I hope you consider this, and that you do find your peace regardless of what your MM tells you.
Author so-wrong Posted May 26, 2011 Author Posted May 26, 2011 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t272263/ The truth of what he is doing (from your past posts) is right there. He intiated NC and is sticking to it. You are the one who can't/won't let go. And, sadly you are going to lose your H over this since you CANNOT get yourself out of the fog. The A is over, your exMM chose to do NC to fix his marriage. Accept that and get counselling for yourself to help you cope. You are focussing on someone (exMM) who wants nothing to do with you, all the meanwhile your H has given up on you since you're not fighting to save your marriage. He chose to go NC but emailed me asking to speak with me last week. Up to now I haven't responded but now feel I must. So HE is the one to break NC, not me.
bentnotbroken Posted May 26, 2011 Posted May 26, 2011 if you have to worry about mm first before thinking about your husband then you have to let your husband go. Agreed. If the fact that your husband wants to leave and you seem to be still so very focused on MM....he needs to divorce you. No one here can do for you what you won't do for yourself. If you want your marriage you would fight with every fiber of your being. Yet you are here talking about others doing "your" job. You are justifying contacting him with the playground line , "HE CONTACTED ME FIRST***whine****". If you wanted your husband a life with him...it wouldn't matter if he contacted you ever, you wouldn't respond and do anything to block him, including legally. If you gave a damn about your husband, you wouldn't give a damn about what the MM feels. If you want your demons gone....exorcise them yourself. If you are looking for excuses to continue on this path....keep doing what your are doing. It is working out pretty well with you losing everything eventually.
Spark1111 Posted May 26, 2011 Posted May 26, 2011 He chose to go NC but emailed me asking to speak with me last week. Up to now I haven't responded but now feel I must. So HE is the one to break NC, not me. Often, the MAP goes home and makes nice and waits for the smoke to clear and then re-contacts. Why? They may want to start up again with you, still on the side, now that the status quo at home has been re-established. Is that what you want? Is that what you are desperate to hear? Is that enough for you? You ARE losing your husband for the slim chance of becoming a needy, desperate AP again. Your MM must be thinking how easy it is to shoot fish in a barrel. What if he doesn't conclusively end it? What if he dangles a carrot or two? How soon before you fall in the sack with him? And then he leave again to go home to his wife? What are you doing here? YOU make a decision, commit to it, and try to control your destiny.
jwi71 Posted May 26, 2011 Posted May 26, 2011 Whilst I'm torturing myself over MM's email breaking NC, my BH has today texted me to say he is arranging to see a solicitor re divorcing me. I understand totally that if I don't get out of the fog quickly, I am gonna lose him for good. You guys probably won't get this, but I know for sure now that I WILL speak to MM re his question & hope that he makes it totally clear that I am history & he doesn't want to know me anymore. I know this is sad, pathetic & desperate but I need to do it in order to finally get the message & move on, with or without my poor BH. I know it will hurt me immensely also but being stuck not knowing how MM really feels is a nightmare too. I guess I need the brutal truth from him to rid me of the demons once & for all. I'm not surprised to read this at all. You did the one thing guaranteed to lose you both men: nothing. Your H is lost to you. I would expect the D to happen soon. Your MM was never yours, you were chasing a dream that could never be. My advice, hire a lawyer and prepare for D. Going forward, seek IC where you can (church, public program, charity, wherever) and begin to look within yourself for whatever is missing. Use this loss ( of both men ) as a catalyst of change in your life. Try and see it as a catharsis. Change. Heal. Recover. Move on in life There is life after D. And you can be happy again. But to get there you are facing some hard trials - all winnable and all self-contained. Not gonna sugar coat it, your near time life will s_ck. Period. But it DOES get better. It gets better faster with IC.
Emme Posted May 26, 2011 Posted May 26, 2011 Oh this is harsh reality. I am so sorry you have to be going through this. If you need to know... then proceed ahead. If you can't even consider your husband first the one that you are married to... Your marriage is over. Are you at all seeing someone a therapist. I think that might help you in the decision choices you are making. There is no turning back it seems from your husbands standpoint. I wish you the best and hope things work out easily.
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