CrazyMiner Posted May 26, 2011 Posted May 26, 2011 Hi everyone, As always with my threads, you can find the history of my story by following this link: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=3408021#post3408021 - it outlines the last time I saw my ex GF when she came to the house to collect all of her belongings and what happened at the end of her turning up (see page 2 of the thread for the post-visit update). I'll be honest, I'm really struggling at the moment. I was with my ex for 8 years, and around 2 and a half months ago she told me that she wanted to separate as she felt that our relationship had developed into more of a brother and sister style one and that she "loved me but was no longer IN love with me", but also as we had met at such a young age (me 15, her 14... we're now 23 and 22 respectively), she wanted to try being "young, free, and single" and to try dating other people as she hadn't had a chance since we met so young. I did all the begging for the first month etc but then left it there as basically she didn't want to hear it after a while. We tried meeting up as friends a few times and it seemed to work for the first 2 or 3 times, but when arranging the next meet-up (they were once per fortnight) she seemed reluctant to choose a day so I decided to send her a NC/LC letter as I could feel that perhaps I was putting more effort into them than she was. The letter was aimed more aimed at stopping the meets as we own a house together and do need contact to deal with that. Well I suppose that IS the back story if you're too much of a lazy bones to read my previous threads! Anyway, after around 1 and a half months of us being separated I found out that she was dating someone. He lives nearly a 2 hour each way drive away and they had been on 1 date so far and they had met on eHarmony which is a dating website. It was upsetting but I wasn't too worried as hey, it was one date and she was doing exactly what she said she intended to do! Since then, I've heard through a mutual friend that they have been on 3 or 4 dates which has involved her once or twice staying over at his due to the drive and that they talk a lot over Skype and email, and that the emails are especially flirty, but more from his side. On top of this, I recently found out that he has invited her to stay at a hotel with him when he goes on a business trip and that she is thinking about it/has agreed, the worst part is that it is in my home town which is over a 3 hour drive each way from the city we now live in... what a kick in the teeth! The relationship with this guy appears to have developed really quickly, especially as they apparently started dating less than a month ago and he is now inviting her to a hotel on the other side of the country - that seems like more than dating to me! Apparently this week she went on another date with someone else, so that does make me think that perhaps what she has going with the other guy above is not that signed, sealed, and delivered if you know what I mean... I was told all this by a mutual friend who lives near her and who she shares a lot with - I've now told him that I don't want these updates as all it is doing is hurting me more and more. On Sunday just gone, she called me to check on some payments that were coming out of our joint account and whether she needed to contribute anything. We talked about that and then she told me that I should know, before anyone else told me, that she was dating. Stupidly, I came back with "I know" and this then turned into a 15 minute conversation on how I knew, who had told me etc. I didn't say who had told me as I felt that would be a mis-trust to her (the person who told me) and also due to the fact that I feel this friend thought we would get back together. I didn't tell her how much I knew, just that she had been on a few dates with someone in Sheffield. That went on a bit, and then when I thought the conversation was ending I said that "if you're ever short of a date, you know where I am". I know that was a stupid thing to say, but since we broke up she has said several times by facebook message, email and over the phone that after the dust had settled and we had become new people rather than the ones we were before (with time lines of between 3 - 12 months thrown about), we could potentially look at a re-run when we had both healed enough. So thinking with my heart rather than my head, I asked her whether this still stood, potentially and with no guarantees, and whether it had ever been meant. She said it had, and that she had hoped that we could "look at something after we had both worked on ourselves", however she now felt that there was too much water under the bridge (as in history I think) and that her feelings hadn't changed since we separated. I asked her if there was any reason for this, and she basically said that to help her operate and basically function since we had separated she had told all her family and friends to not bring up the past 8 years, not to discuss our past holidays, or things that we had done etc, and had basically treated our 8 year relationship as if it had never existed. So, she has just not thought about the past as much as possible. This hurts a lot - what she is basically saying here is that she hasn't dealt with her emotions of our relationship or the hurt of the separation whereas I have been. Surely this isn't healthy and will just come up at some point down the road for her? The other thing that frustrates me is that she said so, so many times about potentially looking at a re-run after we had healed from the separation etc, but as she has apparently not dealt with her own emotions properly it almost feels like she has stopped herself from allowing that to be a possibility or not worked on her feelings enough for it to be a possibility. I know nothing is ever guaranteed, people change their feelings etc. She said that she wasn't discounting anything, but not to wait around for her. I told her I wasn't, that I was moving on and working on myself, and that I was seeing a therapist to work on issues that both she and I commented on during the relationship. She was a bit surprised that I was seeing a therapist to work on things. The other thing that came out of the call was that she wasn't sure that we could ever be friends. If I'm honest, this stung the most. How can someone just switch like that? After an 8 year relationship where we basically grew up together and only 2 and a half months after the separation she is now basically saying she doesn't think that she can even be friendly with me... it was only a year ago that she was talking baby names with my mum! Towards the end of the call I came out with a pathetic thing... I told her to enjoy dating and to have lots of sex - she giggled a bit at that by why the hell did I say it? She had started to get a bit upset on the phone and I hate hearing her like that so I pulled out the Mr Nice Guy card. Why? That hasn't worked for me, what a stupid thing to say! I do hate all this. I'm getting out, joined a few socialising groups as we had a lot of mutual friends who seem to have sided with her more than me... I'm meeting with a personal trainer today to discuss working on myself etc. But all I can come back to is how much I miss her. After she collected her stuff from the house I was feeling much better than I thought I would. I helped her pack her stuff and we spent about 2 - 3 hours doing it, chatting away and just enjoying the time. When she was leaving she hugged me several times and even started to cry a bit on my shoulder and I gave her a peck on the cheek. I think I read into that more than I should have, it was the first time that I had seen her lower her barriers and be emotional since we had separated. Then when I said about dating etc on the phone I suppose I was expecting a different response than what I got. The few friends I have left and my mum commented on how well I was moving on. But this isn't true at all, after hearing that from her on the phone I almost feel like I am back to stage 1, dreaming of her a bit again and her being the first thing I think of in the morning. I've even started to shed a few tears as I write this last bit Sorry for the rant guys. She just meant and indeed means so much to me. Hearing that she is going off to hotels etc hurts, but the potential now for her to NOT want to try dating again or even be friends is the worst. I have 8 years of memories with her, my childhood and hers and then moving into adulthood together, every memory I have involves her and every conversation I have with others now is always things like "yea, we did that with our house" where I'm talking with 'we' and 'our' all the time, and then I remember the next second that 'we' and 'our' no longer apply. Does anyone else have experience of this sort of situation, potentially where an ex partner is not dealing with her emotions and this is stopping a reconcilliation?
NSDNQ Posted May 26, 2011 Posted May 26, 2011 welcome to 23 year old girls. best. ****ing. reply. ever.
Ajax Posted May 26, 2011 Posted May 26, 2011 Does anyone else have experience of this sort of situation, potentially where an ex partner is not dealing with her emotions and this is stopping a reconcilliation? I wasn't with my ex nearly as long as you were with yours, but the intensity of the emotions, the connection we had, and the experiences shared ensured that I was devistated when she broke up with me. She also seemed to whitewash everything and avoid dealing with her emotions. In fact, part of the reason I suspect she left was that she was afraid of her feelings, but that's just speculation on my part based on some rumors and circumstantial evidence. Like yours, she started to erase our past as if it had never happened. Pictures deleted from Facebook and such. She cut me out of her life like a cancerous tumor, after I had treated her so well and the connection had been so strong. Our relationship was deleted and denied. what she is basically saying here is that she hasn't dealt with her emotions of our relationship or the hurt of the separation whereas I have been. Surely this isn't healthy and will just come up at some point down the road for her? I don't think you'll find anyone who would say that it is healthy, but neither is getting hung up on the past (of which I'm guilty of myself). The question I have is, so what if it's not healthy? You cannot control what she does or what she feels. Emotions are not rational, and her not dealing with them is not a rational thing... so even if someone comes along and explains that she's suppressing her feelings and failing to deal with them, she can't be reasoned into doing it. Regardless, you can't be sure what her mindset is. Appearances can be deceiving, especially when we're still emotionally invested too. She may actually be dealing with her emotions and the fallout of the relationship, just on her own and in her own way. I think a lot of us look at our exes and try to see what they're doing as unhealthy, and maybe it actually is. But I think a lot of the time we're doing it to make ourselves feel better. I've done it too, so I'm not pointing fingers, but I think we sometimes do it to make ourselves think "well, they're not healthy so they'll be worse off someday." Maybe they will, maybe they won't. Sorry I've been rambling. I'll shorten this up just by saying that ultimately we have to get out of their worlds and back into our own. It's a struggle, but a healthy one
cwmerk Posted May 26, 2011 Posted May 26, 2011 Hey man I really feel for you. Your situation is sorta like mine. I was with my Ex for 7 years. 18-25. She left me a month ago for reasons still unknown. She just said she wasn't happy and needed to figure out her life. I know she hasn't started dating yet and I pray everyday she doesn't anytime soon. I don't know if I'll get another chance yet but what I do know is that she has yet to contact me and I've contacted her a couple times. Its just getting hard when she was distant for the last month of the relationship, then broke up with me, and now it feels like I'm doing all the work to try to get another shot... It Sux.
flitzanu Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 best. ****ing. reply. ever. yeah, i was with my ex from 20-23, and she's literally insane right now i think. in my nonprofessional opinion. and i am ten years older. but for real, a lot of young 20s girls just go nuts and uproot/ruin their whole lives in this crusade to prove or find themselves. sometimes its best to move out of the way, and it HURTS LIKE HELL. i know.
guccimane99 Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 crazy miner im sorry your going through a rough time. We all go through this and the pain is terrible. The things that you are doing such as getting a personal trainer is good. Im big into lifting weights and living a healthy lifestyle and at twenty thats hard to find expecially in this era with all the drinking. One thing i can say is eat healthy if you have shaggy hair get a clean cut and buy new clothes. When your out always be out having fun and smiling. I'll tell you if you run into her just smile say hi and thats it. If you dissapear get jacked and run into her she be like "wow i messed up hes doing so well and i had him." I cant say she will regret for ever but when she sees you whether its for a second or more she will regret it or think back. Anyways you dont want to be friends as hard as it may seem because if she starts to date someone else like you saw it gets to u. Thats why you should delete her out of your life is she truly loves you she will miss you and it may not be enough to come back, but you will move on to something better.
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