Bluebelle38 Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 Hi Sugarkane, My ex also split with me in a really cowardly way just after spending Christmas with his family December 2010. It was a LDR and I asked to meet with him, he refused. I called him (once) and he never took the call or called back. Yes, it stings that someone can just walk away and be happy with never seeing you again. It shows to me that the man I thought I was with was totally different. I could never treat another human being so cruelly without due cause. You have to accept it ended and focus your energies on the future and not the past. You will never get answers from him, and any reasons you try and imagine for why he did what he did are pure guesses. I'm almost 6 months on and I won't say I don't miss him sometimes, but I don't miss the way he treated me. In fact, I have kind of met someone else online (not through a dating site) and we are soon going to meet (another LDR GRRrrrrrr). He is a totally lovely man - honest with feelings, contacts me when he says he will... the things that do matter. My ex sent me one drunken text months after we split and I told him off for it. He won't risk it again He is not in my life and I am bl00dy glad. I am free to meet a man that will respect me and treat me well - as are you now. All the best xx
NicoleM Posted May 30, 2011 Posted May 30, 2011 (edited) Sugarkane I can tell you it will get better. Believe it or not I am finally,finally getting better:) I went out last night with my friends and had a total blast! I didn't think about him and I admit I am finally getting better. I know it hurts and you get angry alot but you know what?? Forget him! He is not worth your time. Edited May 30, 2011 by NicoleM
Author Sugarkane Posted June 1, 2011 Author Posted June 1, 2011 I'm feeling down its almost the anniversary of the breakup.
Rose T Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 You have to make a decision: Are you going to be a victim, or a survivor? Are you going to let this defeat you, or are you going to use it as fuel to become a better person? I can tell from reading your posts that you have let this consume you and you have gotten stuck in the anger stage. Anger is a very necessary emotion to feel and process when you're recovering and healing from a traumatic breakup. Somebody hurt you on a deep core level and at a certain point your internal need for justice is going to take over. But you eventually come to realize that getting revenge makes you smaller and so you have to let them "get away with it." Holding a grudge and being angry doesn't do anything to them, it just hurts you. It's taking poison and hoping they get sick. Forgiveness, on the other hand, benefits you spiritually, mentally, emotionally and physically. The best revenge you could possibly have is to live a good life and become indifferent to them. My question is, what do you want at this point? An apology? That isn't going to change what happened, and it will probably make you feel better for about 5 minutes before you realize that nothing has really changed. Plus, for all you know, they don't really feel contrite, they just want to be let off the hook for a guilty conscience. Do you want to get back together? Surely you realize at this point that this guy is a jerk and you're better off meeting a good guy. I think what it comes down to is you want one of two things: 1) you want to turn back the clock to the good times, and nobody has invented a time machine yet and 2) you want revenge on some level, and the thing about revenge is it makes you smaller and drags you down to his level. You simply have to cultivate an attitude of indifference towards him. He isn't worth your mental energy. Sugarkane, Greenpolicy's post is spot on. Believe me, my ex was extremely callous towards me. He lied and humiliated me. I was so angry, I went round complaining about him to everyone that would listen, going on about what a horrible person he was, how he was living a lie, how he would never be happy if he carried on like that. A good friend, who is also a therapist, told me: "Stop judging him. You are judging him and putting all your energies into trying to see how he could change. It's a waste of your time and energy. The only person you can change right now is you. What don't you like about yourself? What mistakes did you make in the relationship? How do you want to be in the future?" That was a very dark day for me because it made me realise how judgmental and bitter I was being and also made me look inside myself. I recognised the mistakes and problems I'd created in my relationship and actually didn't really like the person I saw. But it was also the turning point for me. You have to let go of your judgments of your ex and start working on the most important project now: yourself. How would you want Sugarkane to be in the future? What could you improve, in terms of your own behaviours, and how you deal with other people? What do you really need to do to be proud of yourself and love the person you see in the mirror each morning? Healing starts with self-improvement and self-love. The rest will follow, believe me. You have to become the best person you can be, good personal relations will follow, in every area of your life, IMO. This at least was my path, it is what has helped me to grow past my ex, emerge better, and forgive him, almost without noticing it.
Author Sugarkane Posted June 1, 2011 Author Posted June 1, 2011 I never cheated on my ex or treated him like crap. I really deserve better than to be dumped by text and told to get F*****.
Author Sugarkane Posted June 1, 2011 Author Posted June 1, 2011 Its now hard to believe that I was once in love with this guy.
The Great Gazoo Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 I was unceremoniously and painfully dumped in the same way after 9 years. We search for answers, look for the possible reasons, blame ourselves -- waste all our energy to figure out why -- when really the why's just don't matter anymore. The fact is that people who hurt others this way are simply emotionally immature people. Usually the situation says much more about them and their immaturity and sheer selfishness than it does about the relationship or about you. It shows that they are unable to be in a mature relationship of fairness, of give and take; unable to communicate their needs and feelings. There are cowards and weak. Their selfishness, fear and inability to deal with real emotions or communicate would have likely doomed the relationship anyways. Some relationships are just destined to fail -- especially if your partner is someone like this.
Author Sugarkane Posted June 1, 2011 Author Posted June 1, 2011 How do I get over the cyncisim to date again?
NicoleM Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 I know what you mean. After I dated that jerk I have become very,very cynical when it comes to dating and it seems lately every guy I think is a good guy turns out to be a skeez ball. I also cannot believe I dated that jerk but I have finally moved on he is sooooo not even worth it. If he texted me and said hey want to go out again?? I would say ya, right go find your other flock of woman and don't bother me.
GreenPolicy Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 How do I get over the cyncisim to date again? You start by loving yourself and telling yourself that your ex's actions are a reflection of him and not you. You take time to grieve the end of the relationship before getting involved with somebody else, since you don't want to use somebody else as an emotional tampon when you're emotionally unavailable. You cultivate and strengthen your existing friendships, as well as making new friends. Then you begin to casually date with no expectations, getting exposed to a range of different personalities. Time to a great degree will heal a lot, but you can't sit around feeling sorry for yourself. You have to push yourself to get better.
Author Sugarkane Posted June 2, 2011 Author Posted June 2, 2011 I just envy people like my coworker that have never even been through a breakup. let alone get screwed over by someone. And also my exes best friends who were high school sweethearts and got married. Life isn't fair!
fiat500 Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 don't let that dick ruin you, sugarkane. don't set expectations for yourself. relationships that look perfect have a lot of ups and downs. to get over your cynicism of dating just look for guy friends for now and work on having long term friendships with them. Having a good guy friend will build your trust in men again. hate your ex all you want with the passion of a thousand burning suns, but remember to take what he did to you as a lesson and learn from it. don't let him victimize you. pick yourself up and say f##k you, ex.
AmericanHoney Posted June 4, 2011 Posted June 4, 2011 Listen to **** you by Cee-Lo. It is a good F you anthem.
Author Sugarkane Posted June 4, 2011 Author Posted June 4, 2011 I want to break NC and tell him that its sad that he threw away what we had, just because he thought the grass was greener elsewhere. I don't care what he says to me, even if he doesn't reply at all.
california15 Posted June 4, 2011 Posted June 4, 2011 Write down everything you want to say. Dont' hold back. If half the letter is swearing and the other half loving, then so be it. It's your one chance. Then seal the envelope and burn it, or pack it away in an inconvenient place. Don't send it. sometimes you don't get closure, or get a chance to say what you want at the end - if it makes you feel better to write it down and make the closure for yourself, then do it. Just never send it Someone who dumps you by text isn't worth a letter (and depending on the type of person you are / they are, the ex could be expecting some form of communication from you in time because they know you didn't get a chance to say what you wanted or they know they are a d***head for they way they ended it) Surprise them by your silence. Write your heart out. And do absolutely nothing more with the letter.
AmericanHoney Posted June 5, 2011 Posted June 5, 2011 Never send it never! My friend wrote to her ex on facebook and messaged him and told everything she felt and she felt good however the more she thought about it she said I guess I really did blow any chances of ever getting back together with him because I came off desperate, immature and rude. There is no way ever he would even smile in her direction now after that letter and oh,ya he deleted her on FB and blocked her. Ouch.....
Blo0 Posted June 5, 2011 Posted June 5, 2011 I'm tempted to send my ex a letter/email, as I never got to say anything. I don't care if I never get a reply, its highly unlikely as dumpers rarely do. What do you think? I would write the letter, but not send it. Be clever.
GreenPolicy Posted June 5, 2011 Posted June 5, 2011 I want to break NC and tell him that its sad that he threw away what we had, just because he thought the grass was greener elsewhere. I don't care what he says to me, even if he doesn't reply at all. Yes, you do. Otherwise you wouldn't be contemplating breaking NC. Anything you want to say to him is beyond his capacity to comprehend and accept. If you contact him to read him the riot act for the crappy way he ended things, it just lets his conscience (if he has one) off the hook. Sometimes being the bigger person is a lonely road and an unsatisfying one. We want some sort of justice, and there just really isn't any to be had. My ex blindsided me, and I got 20 minutes of vague word salad. this is five days after telling me what kind of engagement ring she wanted, and a few weeks after emailing me wedding venue suggestions, telling me she wanted our parents to meet, going to look at bands together, etc. If you gave me 60 seconds to sum up why my ex-ex and I parted, I could say that she was graduating with her masters and was moving home to be closer to her family, and we mutually parted on amicable terms because we felt not enough was invested for her to stay or for me to go with her. If you gave me 60 seconds to sum up why my ex and I parted, I could only say that I ultimately did not know, and any explanation I could give would be only a theory, and not something that I could subscribe to with 100 percent certainty.
NicoleM Posted June 5, 2011 Posted June 5, 2011 I broke all the rules sent him an e-mail after he didn't have the decency to even dump me he took the cowardly way out and never even dumped me. He just figured well if I don't text her I brush her off,etc that means I am not interested. I was so mad!! I e-mailed him told him everything I was feeling and how much he hurt me and if he had any decency he would e-mail me back and tell me the truth or be a coward. He naturally chose the coward way and that part hurt I am not going to lie because he strung me along for so long and I gave him 2nd,3rd chances hoping he would change and maybe just maybe he was a decent person. Sometimes I regret that letter sometimes I don't. Love makes you do stupid things that's for sure.
Author Sugarkane Posted June 6, 2011 Author Posted June 6, 2011 I'm feeling down. Many people I know are engaged or having babies. Then my co workers ask me when will I it be me:lmao:
starmar Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 Sugarkane I know how you feel. I was dumped cruelly too. I'm not sure if you've read any of my posts. It's been two weeks and it still hurts. Not only that but his relative a friend of mine of 17 years knew what was going on and chose not to tell me. We will get over this. but it takes time to heal. Your turn is coming and the best part is that it wont be with a guy who would leave at the drop of a dime. We have to keep moving forward.
Author Sugarkane Posted June 6, 2011 Author Posted June 6, 2011 I came across something called attachment theory. I realise my ex was an avoidant personality, which is probably an understatement. He never made me feel appreciated ever. He always had one foot out of the relationship.
Author Sugarkane Posted June 7, 2011 Author Posted June 7, 2011 I don't understand how my ex can never regret sabotaging what we had.
dearestpie Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 Move on my friend. It isn't healthy for you to keep obsessing over this. Prove to yourself what an idiot he was by working on yourself and becoming the best version of yourself you can be. I know a lot of people have been telling you this, and I understand if you want to be angry, but that is going to do nothing for you. If you haven't had any contact with him then you probably aren't going to get any, so you can't rely on him for closure. If this is the way he treats people, then don't worry, it will come back to bite him in the butt one way or the other. He obviously wasn't the man you thought he was. Realize that and learn from it. Take a deep breath, calm down, and let go...
GreenPolicy Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 I don't understand how my ex can never regret sabotaging what we had. He may or may not regret it. Truth is, you don't know what he thinks or what is going on in his life. And focusing all of your mental energy on him is not helping you. The only revenge you have available to you is to live the best life possible, become the best version of yourself that you can be, so that if he were to ever break NC and get a glimpse of you and your life without him, he would kick himself and say "Oh sh#t, what did I do?" You kept your dignity and self-respect by not chasing after him after he cruelly kicked you to the curb. I believe that people who end relationships this way have issues within themselves that they have not resolved. We all have issues of course, but you know what I mean. Emotionally healthy people with integrity don't do things like what your ex did. I can't imagine that deep down he is a happy person, otherwise he wouldn't be kicking a good woman to the curb and sabotaging a good thing. If there is one thing that I was told over and over again in the wake of my breakup, it's "You dodged a bullet." You will probably feel better if you start thinking of yourself as grateful to him for sparing you the prospect of having invested more time with him when the outcome would have been the same.
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