After a yr of dating GF doesnt want to b in relationship with me or anyone!!! WHY!?!?

[clumzeekrnboi]

Hey guys!

 

To start off me and my girlfriend were dating for roughly a year. Known each other for roughly 10 years.

Stopped talking for couples of years because i was traveling overseas for 3 years. Once i came back we just started talking and became serious and dated for almost a year now. She is 25, im 24.

She lives in Berkeley (Nor Cal), I Live in Los Angeles (So Cal). But her family lives in SoCal closer to me. Flies down Once a month for the weekend, Ill drive up when ever i can. Always happy to see each other and spend every single second together literally once she arrives until she departs. Usually about 5 days a month. Very intimate.

 

Everything seemed fine and smooth with small arguments here and there something small that we'd get over on the day. but the other day she wanted to go to the beach and without any sign or warning she just wanted to call it quits. She did get her acceptance letter to Med School on the day of, if that even matters.

 

But anyway this is what she told me after spending time at the beach together Saying:

 

"its not you its my fault. I just dont want to be in a relationship anymore nor with anyone right now. I just want to live for me. I know this is unfair to you. And i know how much you mean to our family and a gem to us, but its just something i have to do. I'm sorry."

 

She also mentioned: "please dont tell your mother, i dont want her to hate me nor did i want to disappoint her"

Because my mother really loved this girl

 

After the beach we still hung out, went to disneyland as our usual because of our annual passes. And hung out again on sunday.

 

My question is for the ladies out there. What makes you suddenly not want to be in a relationship? and is there a way to save this relationship? should i just be friends and wait it out in hopes maybe in the future may not even have to be the near future that she'll come back and start over again?

Please help!

 

I also asked her do you THINK you will ever come back to me? she said "MAYBE"

but then again she also told me "i dont want to tell you anything that you can latch onto"

 

I am extremely bummed right now... I truly love this girl and potentially wanted to propose to her in a few years down once both of us are more financially stable. Because we are both still in school med school, business school.

 

if you have questions or suggestions please feel free to do so!

[Beeotch]

I'm sorry to hear about your situation.

 

The painful truth is though that: there is nothing you can do to "save" this relationship as it not about you or what you have or have not done, but as she rightly said, it is her choice. Honor it.

 

It is so insane but tells us a lot about ourselves that when someone tells us something or shows us who they are we try to convince ourselves otherwise, we try to change their minds, we blame ourselves thinking it is up to us to "fix" or "save" the relationship. A relationship should be a partnership, not something to be chauffeured, where one person is driving the whole thing. And essentially when someone says they don't want to be with us for whatever reason, whether the reason seems like bullshiit or plausible, the point is they have decided that they are NOT interested in doing their part, and if so, no partnership is possible. You would be essentially dragging a dead body around. You would never club someone over the head and drag their unconscious body to dinner with you and pretend to have a good time (unless you were a psychopath) but we often try to do this in relationships....apply force, coercion, manipulation, "helping" to get someone who has decided to opt out to do what we want.

 

 

It is ofcourse hard to invest in a relationship and it doesn't pan out. It often leads us with questions and a feeling like we will not let go as we invested too much, but sometimes (read, MOST times), when the other wants out, we need to listen and realize that 1. There is not always a good reason 2. Sometimes it is only later on the reason becomes apparent 3. Not all relationships go to the aisle or grave and 4. We only want people who are on the same page as us and it is NOT our job to MAKE them be on the same page.

 

Waiting around for someone is a waste of your life and I would never advise anyone to do that.People have these crazy ideas about what to do or not do to bring their exes back when sadly....pretty much NONE of that actually does anything except make them waste time, energy and sacrifice self respect. It is often very delusional, which is understandable because of the emotions.....BUT once you experience it and LEARN from your mistakes you are less likely to go into a next breakup with the same futile attitude.

 

Your ex at least gave you the courtesy of stating a reason. There are a myriad of stories we could all spin as to why this has happened.....NONE will be HER side and NONE will change the fact that for whatever reason, she ahs decided right now that she cannot be in this relationship. It is not an invitation for you to "try harder", "save it", decide she is "confused" and "help" her see that things are great. NO ONE needs to convince anyone to be with them. It's a relationship, it should be built on a MUTUAL desire and not coercion and selling yourself to someone else. She ALREADY knows who you are and what things are about and has decided to opt out right now. Give her her space, respect her wishes and yourself. As hard as it is, leave it alone. She is admitting she can't give you or anyone else a relationship, it happens. Thank heavens you know and take time to grieve your loss because it is a loss and it does hurt! Don't blame yourself or assume you did anything to cause it or you can do anything to "fix it". Take care of yourself.

Edited May 26, 2011 by Beeotch

[Dust]

The fact that you are asking for advice from women as if they are all knowing about the motives of other women shows me how clueless you are. Seresiouly, the same crappy answers you could expect from men can only be made more clueless by women.

 

You need to do some soul searching and face the ugly realities of rejection. It might be as simple as she found you boring and unattractive. It might be something more complex like something you didn’t say or do. Bottom line you know the answer she gave you is bull sht and you had a great opportunity to get in her face, anger her even till she gave you something real.

 

Also no where in that story did I see the passion in you to stop this from happening. Where was the part where you told her she was “wrong” and that “you had a vision.” Did you show this girl real passion. If you really didn’t get to the point where you saw each other moving closer together in some definable future what was the point?

[clumzeekrnboi]

thanks!

 

It is exactly what I did, second day i told her how i felt and etc.

Knowing that if i keep begging her or seeming too clingy, i accepted it into my head that there is no saving rather accepting.

So i told her just know that i will always be there for you whenever you need me in any shape or form.

 

btw the breakup was just a casual talk. We never yell or cuss at each other because thats just not the way i do it. I've never yelled nor have i cussed at her. Why would I tell her shes wrong? She has a right to say what ever she needs to say. All i tried doing was trying to understand her view and how i can help. She is also the type of girl that will never bull**** infront of me.

[Dust]

thanks!

 

It is exactly what I did, second day i told her how i felt and etc.

Knowing that if i keep begging her or seeming too clingy, i accepted it into my head that there is no saving rather accepting.

So i told her just know that i will always be there for you whenever you need me in any shape or form.

 

btw the breakup was just a casual talk. We never yell or cuss at each other because thats just not the way i do it. I've never yelled nor have i cussed at her. Why would I tell her shes wrong? She has a right to say what ever she needs to say. All i tried doing was trying to understand her view and how i can help. She is also the type of girl that will never bull**** infront of me.

 

You really don’t sound too passionate about the relationship if it was just casual talk that broke you two up. I really don’t understand how you can be this confused as to why the relationship ended if she was so honest and blunt with you.

[Zapbasket]

Sorry you are going through this.

 

Only your girlfriend knows for sure, but from an outsider's perspective the statement she gave you doesn't sound like BS at all. There are times in life when we all feel we really need to be on our own. Yes, choosing to be on our own usually means also choosing NOT to continue a commitment to another person or group of people, but that doesn't mean that we don't value deeply that person or people. It means that as we strive to be authentic within ourselves and towards others, sometimes we need, temporarily, to think selfishly. Of course people who have an underdeveloped moral compass use the "I just want to be on my own" line as an excuse for blatant selfish behaviors, but people who are caring and have true character have carefully considered the move they are making and truly feel it is the most honest, sincere and therefore most caring move they can make for themselves and others. We can't give authentically when we're not aligned with who we fundamentally are.

 

I think when we get broken up with we tend to search and search for the "real" reason beneath the reason they verbalized to us for ending the relationship. It's true that many people are too cowardly or un-self-aware to articulate the real reason...but many people are being genuinely forthright and there are no lines to read between.

 

Chin up, and let things just roll for a while and see what happens. Focus on doing things you enjoy.