Lilmisus Posted May 26, 2011 Posted May 26, 2011 I'm not going to go into much detail here, but I'm really just curious as to how far people go to stay absolutely NC with their ex until they have healed? To not hear about them, to not see them, and to just try to kick them out of your mind and life? I quit my job already. I completely let go of some mutual "friends". I blocked his new girlfriend on Facebook. I'm thinking about blocking him (but he doesn't even go on there) and deleting his family, but as of now there isn't really a point.. But it seems like regardless, there's going to be some person that we know that uploads pictures of him and her together. Or some person who decides to bring up what they heard about them or him, even (especially) if I don't ask. Just cause they're the latest gossip. I refuse to alter my entire life over a breakup, but it seems like every time I feel like I'm happy and feel great about where I am in life and where I'm going...something happens to take me a few steps back and hurt me some more. In this case, it was seeing pictures of them with some mutual friends on the beach, something I didn't want to see. I don't want to just delete my Facebook since I have way too many friends and family on there that I keep in touch with. But should I just delete our mutual friends who I'm not too close with anyway? Most of them I did delete, but not all...should I just take that extra step and get rid of all of them? It sucks though since I know that those who I may delete (who were in the picture with them) will probably be really upset with me if I got rid of them. What to do?
lalalandman Posted May 26, 2011 Posted May 26, 2011 (edited) Honestly, delete Facebook. It's the best thing I've ever done. It will always be there for you later. Plus, you're not going to lose any friends. Anyone you don't normally communicate with...what's it matter? Anyways, you should give it a shot. It's like purging. It's a huge healer, as long as you don't go googling people. Just disappear for a while and when you're ready, come back. You may be surprised just who will appreciate your return. Edited May 26, 2011 by lalalandman
Author Lilmisus Posted May 26, 2011 Author Posted May 26, 2011 Honestly, delete Facebook. It's the best thing I've ever done. It will always be there for you later. Plus, you're not going to lose any friends. Anyone you don't normally communicate with...what's it matter? Anyways, you should give it a shot. It's like purging. It's a huge healer, as long as you don't go googling people. Just disappear for a while and when you're ready, come back. You'll may be surprised just who will appreciate your return. I've strongly considered this, but in all honesty, I don't really like this option, besides counting the fact that it will help me move on. My best friend, lives in Mexico and doesn't have the money to pay for a phone. Every chance she gets (which isn't often at all; she has to go to her church at night to use their internet) she gets online and messages me, and we talk that way. It's really our only means of communication, and I don't want to lose it since I love her to death and don't what I'd do if I lost all communication with her. Besides her, I have lots of family on there, and it's a way that we all communicate and stay as close as we are. Most of my friends though, I can always see and talk to whenever I feel like it, so it's no worry about them. Thank you very much for your input, but any other opinions?
Desensitized Posted May 26, 2011 Posted May 26, 2011 I've strongly considered this, but in all honesty, I don't really like this option, besides counting the fact that it will help me move on. My best friend, lives in Mexico and doesn't have the money to pay for a phone. Every chance she gets (which isn't often at all; she has to go to her church at night to use their internet) she gets online and messages me, and we talk that way. It's really our only means of communication, and I don't want to lose it since I love her to death and don't what I'd do if I lost all communication with her. Besides her, I have lots of family on there, and it's a way that we all communicate and stay as close as we are. Most of my friends though, I can always see and talk to whenever I feel like it, so it's no worry about them. Thank you very much for your input, but any other opinions? -tell people to never bring up his name again -delete the people off Facebook who remind you of your ex -block your ex on Facebook -hide any pictures of you two on FB or in general -be proactive and focus on bettering yourself -put all of the things he ever gave you in a box and store it away safely in your basement or other part of your home where it will be out of sight -write on a piece of paper everything that, that person did to to you and things you don't like about the person and title it: "Reasons Why It Won't Work With ____" hope this helps...
lalalandman Posted May 26, 2011 Posted May 26, 2011 Well, FB is drama, but i guess delete any and all mutual friends, at least for now. And by any I mean ANY. Change the FB option so only friends can view your profile, meaning NOBODY can search you. Also, maybe change your phone number. For me, it's nice knowing that even though they might try and call, at least you won't know about it, rather than sitting there waiting for a call. If not, change your voicemail to the regular machine tone instead of your voice. Never pick up a restricted call or a number you don't know, ever. Also, don't even talk to mutual friends, not one bit. Ever. Make new friends.
Beeotch Posted May 26, 2011 Posted May 26, 2011 (edited) Go as far as you need to. You can deactivate your Facebook. You can always reactivate. Facebook in and of itself can be such a destructive tool and big waste of time aside from it being used by people to fuel relationship drama and post-breakup torture. I personally deleted the ex's number, I didn't have his friends on my FB list, except his bestfriend, whom I hid his feed, (I had the willpower not to check his page so doing so was enough for me, but if you don't have such willpower then a full delete is best), I unfollowed the ex on Twitter, I hid the ex but eventually realized it wasn't enough and deleted him. My bestfriend and sister hadn't deleted him so sometimes would give me updates, which I HATED but they too eventually deleted him so they couldn't carry news anymore. It was a relief! Funnily, the ex has friends of MINE that are NOT his mutual friends on his FB friends list still, when he only knew them because of ME, yet deleted my bestfriend. I have no clue why you would have your ex's friends on your list who don't know you like that, when you broke up with her 2 years ago and when the friends don't speak to you, you don't speak to the ex and deleted her bestfriend. I've never worked with an ex and overall don't believe in dating people I work with or who are even in my circle....and I am glad I don't when I hear people's stories of working with the ex and so on and how that adds even MORE awkwardness to the breakup. I can't say I would quit a job because of an ex because I've never been in that scenario, but if it were some job that didn't mean much and I found another job before I quit, then yea, if he bothered me that much I would. I do think some things are a bit much though (changing numbers, quitting jobs, moving) BUT sometimes it is necessary, just depends on the person and the situation. Go as far as you need to I say. If you feel something is too much and can HONESTLY heal and KEEP YOUR BOUNDARIES without it, the by all means as well. Edited May 26, 2011 by Beeotch
Author Lilmisus Posted May 26, 2011 Author Posted May 26, 2011 -tell people to never bring up his name again -delete the people off Facebook who remind you of your ex -block your ex on Facebook -hide any pictures of you two on FB or in general -be proactive and focus on bettering yourself -put all of the things he ever gave you in a box and store it away safely in your basement or other part of your home where it will be out of sight -write on a piece of paper everything that, that person did to to you and things you don't like about the person and title it: "Reasons Why It Won't Work With ____" hope this helps... 1. Have done. They don't listen..silly people... 2. Will do! 3. Will do! His family too? Or just delete them? They are no harm to me, and I posted a thread about them a few weeks ago, but I'm still confused on that. All they do is sometimes message me something kind or "like" my updates, but it's not too often. 4. There are none. Although I'm a photographer, he refused to have his picture taken by me. We have two together (that he hated) at my brother's wedding..but they're on someone else's profile. 5. One step ahead of you chico I've been feeling great these past couple of days! Especially today until the picture. 6. One year together and all I got from him was fake poinsettias (that I threw away) and a fake rose that a man made me at a bar. It's gorgeous though, fits into my room, and doesn't remind me of him, so I'm not bothering throwing away the only $3 he spent on me. (Bitter much?) 7. Did it already..while we were still together..and when I was planning on breaking up with him..a couple weeks before he broke up with me Would have ended it right then and there, but then catastrophe hit both of us and breaking up was out of question (for me..not him, obviously). I'm so bitter right now, but oh so happy at the same time. Thank you for these awesome pointers! Yes, they did help! Especially in reminding me of what a loser he was to where I can't say that I even miss him.
Author Lilmisus Posted May 26, 2011 Author Posted May 26, 2011 (edited) Well, FB is drama, but i guess delete any and all mutual friends, at least for now. And by any I mean ANY. Change the FB option so only friends can view your profile, meaning NOBODY can search you. Also, maybe change your phone number. For me, it's nice knowing that even though they might try and call, at least you won't know about it, rather than sitting there waiting for a call. If not, change your voicemail to the regular machine tone instead of your voice. Never pick up a restricted call or a number you don't know, ever. Also, don't even talk to mutual friends, not one bit. Ever. Make new friends. Go as far as you need to. You can deactivate your Facebook. You can always reactivate. Facebook in and of itself can be such a destructive tool and big waste of time aside from it being used by people to fuel relationship drama and post-breakup torture. I personally deleted the ex's number, I didn't have his friends on my FB list, except his bestfriend, whom I hid his feed, (I had the willpower not to check his page so doing so was enough for me, but if you don't have such willpower then a full delete is best), I unfollowed the ex on Twitter, I hid the ex but eventually realized it wasn't enough and deleted him. My bestfriend and sister hadn't deleted him so sometimes would give me updates, which I HATED but they too eventually deleted him so they couldn't carry news anymore. It was a relief! Funnily, the ex has friends of MINE that are NOT his mutual friends on his FB friends list still, when he only knew them because of ME, yet deleted my bestfriend. I have no clue why you would have your ex's friends on your list who don't know you like that, when you broke up with her 2 years ago and when the friends don't speak to you, you don't speak to the ex and deleted her bestfriend. I've never worked with an ex and overall don't believe in dating people I work with or who are even in my circle....and I am glad I don't when I hear people's stories of working with the ex and so on and how that adds even MORE awkwardness to the breakup. I can't say I would quit a job because of an ex because I've never been in that scenario, but if it were some job that didn't mean much and I found another job before I quit, then yea, if he bothered me that much I would. I do think some things are a bit much though (changing numbers, quitting jobs, moving) BUT sometimes it is necessary, just depends on the person and the situation. Go as far as you need to I say. If you feel something is too much and can HONESTLY heal and KEEP YOUR BOUNDARIES without it, the by all means as well. I went ahead a deleted a couple of people. Six to be exact (one of whom will be pissed at me, but whatever. Hopefully he understands that it's nothing personal..). The people that I know they talk to and hang out with on an almost daily basis. But I'm not going to delete and remove friendships from all my friends over one guy. We worked together. I was there for over three years, him for one. Meaning..some of my best friends are some of his friends. Most of our mutual friends are on my side and don't mention him..there are just those few that do, and those few I'm not going to bother with anymore. Also, I'm not changing my number. Good suggestion..but he doesn't even have a phone, so there's no point TRUST me though. Don't date a coworker. It was great while it lasted, for the most part. But afterward, it was hell, and so not worth it. I'm keeping my new job drama free for a reason Edited May 26, 2011 by Lilmisus
betterdeal Posted May 26, 2011 Posted May 26, 2011 I deleted my Facebook account then opened a new one, and invited only the people I felt 100% comfortable with. I blocked her and her family. I am much more trigger happy at blocking people I don't like these days. I deleted her emails, email address, phone number and changed my phone number. I threw out love letters, postcards, gifts (even replacing them with near exact replicas for things I liked, such as a kitchen clock), and photos. Most of our friends sided with me (knew me first) and I still dumped a few of them for personal reasons (problems between me and that friend). If people can't respect my wishes, I have no need to endure whatever it is that they do that upsets me. I just disconnect electronically just as naturally as I would in real life. One friend asked me repeatedly to come out in the part of town where she lives. After explaining that I feel nervous doing so because we might encounter one another and every time we have done so it has upset me, that friend said okay, won't invite you to this part of town, and has stuck to her word. Ergo, we are still friends. So, choose your moments wisely, explain to those people who matter to you, what upsets you, what you'd like them to do about it, and see if that works. If not, take ownership of your own happiness and do it for them. As for vague acquaintances and fair-weather friends, just become even more vague in your acquaintance whilst you weather this storm. Don't change your life because of an ex; change it because you want to. Go travelling, move town, change career. There's very little to be gained by staying somewhere that makes you unhappy. Such pyrrhic victories are hard fought and the rewards are slim.
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