Okay this is really bad to admit. But I just realized something.

[crazycatlady]

I think I've finally figured out how to respond to specific portions of a quote [lots of cut & paste ha ha] so let me give it a try, sorry if it messes up. :-)

 

 

 

I'm in therapy & I think it is what has helped me think of some of these things. But I do have a big problem with depression & critical thinking about myself -- over-analyzing everything & automatically freaking out thinking about the worst instead of thinking positively. It's something I'm really, really trying to fight. I've started reading little meditations with positive thinking in categories like my career & relationships etc. And I started going to a unitarian church where they have meditations & affirmations that are really helpful for me. So I'm working on it but I feel it is my nature & stems from my bad anxiety. Sometimes I really wonder if I should go on meds! But I'm trying to make positive changes without taking medication.

 

 

 

That's good, I'm glad you are not too over-protective with your children. :-) I see how just because a woman is a wife or mother doesn't mean these 'stereotypes' are true. You sound like a very strong woman. :-)

 

I think I'm finally realizing that I do want to get married & probably have kids, & that's a really scary thought . . . to invest so much of myself into someone with the risk that they will hurt me. In the past I've 'dating down' or dated xMM . . . I suppose because it came with a lot less risk. I wasn't that into the person or the person couldn't really be totally into me, & so we just each did our own thing & kind of used each other. I would like a real relationship where I feel invested & the other person is too but I really start to freak out about that. I think in the past I honestly would have rather have been the cheater or the person helping cheat than the person being cheated on, so I made sure that those were the situations I put myself in instead of really opening myself up to someone where that could happen. :-/

 

Also....what you fear in them, what you despise in them....I'm better is what you fear the most in yourself. Could this be why you got with a married man in the first place? And accepted less then you would ever accept from a single guy. And allowed him to treat you way less then you would let a single man treat you. [/quote

 

I'm interested in this question but not quite sure I totally understand it. Are you talking about what I just talked about above - that I'm afraid of being hurt so I don't put myself out there? Or do you mean I'm afraid I'll become co-dependent & let my life revolve around a man? I guess the answer to both questions [perhaps you meant something totally different!] is yes. It's hypocritcal because my life did revolve around xMM. I mean, on the one hand I could say, I do my own thing & when we can see each other, we do . . . & that was true. But I loved him deeply & wanted to be with him & that involved fanagling my schedule to be available when he was, & a more emotional level of just being everything he needed, his bandaid or soft landing or sounding board or whatever, without thinking enough about what I truly needed & deserved. I did accept a lot worse treatment from him than single guys -- he was supposed to help me move, help me set up furniture, help me fix my car, help me with my sick dog, blah blah blah, but he almost always let me down. Because his own life was such a mess & he'd get caught up with some crises at home or he would have to stay home so his wife wouldn't catch on that he was with me etc. It was pathetic really so how could I judge her for staying with him while he kept cheating, when I kept staying with him when he wasn't giving me what I needed either?! He has a very all-consuming personality, is selfish & pretty much commands that the woman he is with gives everything to him without expecting much in return [there are good things about his personality but this was a very bad one in terms of relationships], & I went along with it. I don't know why. I guess there is a part of me that like that & so yeah I fear it, you're right, but then I did it as an OW instead of a wife. I really don't know which is worse. Honestly I'm glad I'm free of him, not married to him & don't have kids with him, so I guess at least I learned this before I married someone like that. I don't know. I'm just trying to look on the bright side because it's depressing thinking of what I accepted from him. Thanks for the helpful exchange of dialog. :-)

 

I think what I was trying to say came out all muddled but you did a good job of answering my muggledness.

 

I think you are learning a great deal from this situation. So while the situation sucked massively, take heart that you are discovering more about yourself.

 

Now you need to have confidence in yourself. Don't ever let someone give you less then what you deserve. You don't want to be that woman, so stop being it. I do think you convinced yourself during the affair that you somehow were better then the wife, but really, you were just the other side of the same coin. He treated you just as badly as he treated her. And that's sad. You are too smart to put up with that. And I'm glad you aren't.

[crazy love]

That must be a little nice to have come to this realization about yourself right? Yes perhaps disturbing but mostly a good thing I think. Making these kind of self discoveries is essential to your growth and progression in life.

 

I have so many questions. Sorry if I am probing but what you said about your family life growing up caught my attention, I can relate to much of it.

You said that you knew that your Father had an emotional affair but nobody else knows...so how did you find out? Where you grown when you discovered this, and did it change the way you thought of your Dad?

Do you ever feel an urge to tell your mother or discuss it with your father?

 

I was reading some threads & also just talking to my best friend about my feels & fears & thoughts, which led me to a startling revelation. I'm kind of afraid to put this out here because it makes me sound evil & I guess I am. But WTH I have put everything else out here & I am trying to figure all of this out & maybe someone can help me if I share this horrible stuff.

 

I think I have something against wives. Which I never noticed until now. My mom was a stay at home mom & her whole world revolved around us, to the point of being smothering, over-protective, suffocating. I always identified more with my dad, who encouraged my education & ambitions. I am the oldest kid & as we grew up my mom was so tough on me. I know she was afraid of losing me & didn't want to let go or let me grow up. She started going a bit insane. She has a lot of mental health issues & she takes them out on everyone around her. I understand that this is how depression works & I love her very much but as a teenager & young adult it was so hard for me & everyone else in my family. She & my dad are still married but they have the worst relationship ever & I know my dad has cheated on her at least emotionally & I think physically. [He doesn't know that I know this. She doesn't know about it at all as far as I know. And As far as I know it didn't happen while I was growing up, but, my therapist says maybe it did & I just didn't know it but sensed it. ? Idk.]

 

Anyway. I have always been afraid to become my mother. I wanted to be independent & not have to rely on a man for money or security or anything else. I have never wanted to get married & have the traditional 2.5 kids & a picket fence house, I am more adventurous & bohemian, but at the same time I guess I figured marriage & maybe kids would happen as a natural result of a relationship & I'm not necessarily 'against' the idea, I just never wanted that to define me & so didn't concentrate on it much. I have a successful career & make good money & I am no longer afraid of becoming my mom although I do feel that I probably inherited some of her depression issues as I do get depressed & have a lot, I mean a lot, of anxiety, & control issues.

 

So, then there's my xMM & his wife. He has a very powerful successful career & her world completely revolves around him. I knew her before he & I started our affair. It is the type of relationship where he can go out all night long & hang with his buddies & flirt with the ladies & she is at home with the kids. As soon as I met them I thought I would never want to be her in a million years. I know this sounds mean & I guess I am mean, I'm just trying to be completely honest. I think I was fascinated/intrigued by him & by her & by their relationship. I admired him professionally & wanted to be like him but at the same time I hated his bad temper & mood swings & unreliability long before we started the affair. [Yeah, it makes no sense that I would be involved with someone I didn't like half the time, but, that is what happened.]

 

I feel like I felt bad about what we were doing to his wife & some of the time when I called it off it was out of guilt & not wanting to sneak around behind her back anymore. But other times I wondered how she could stay with someone who kept cheating on her & I thought, I never want to be like that. Which is ironic because I was with the same man & accepting his cake-eating. And I know that if we had 'worked out' he would do the same to me . . . I had already caught him in lots of lies & of course he was lying to her too. [To be fair, I have my own issues & didn't always treat him well either. It was just a messed up relationship all around but I stayed in it for a long time (too long!)].

 

My friend was just telling me that I will find a man & relationship with balance - where we are equal in terms of our goals & interests & careers etc. & neither of us walks over the other & there is mutual respect etc. I told her I am afraid to death of even looking because I'm afraid I won't find it! Or that if I do find it I will get so hurt, like xMM's wife, or that my expectations won't be fulfilled, like my mom. She said that's why relationships are scary. So, I guess I have fear. And maybe vindictiveness at wives/mothers because of my mother? For the record I'm not saying any of this excuses what I did. I know I did some crappy stuff. I'm just trying to figure out the psychology behind it & my sub-conscious motivations so that I can get it out of my system & not repeat it. I feel I have learned a lot from it but this latest revelation really threw me for a loop!

[26pointblue]

All I really desire is to be a mom.

I even decided not to go to med school despite very good test results in preference of being a stay at home mom and wouldn't change it as long as I have a choice. It fulfills me. (While, that, and triathlons. )

 

Of course, our different types of moms lead to different types of mommy issues.

 

I see. Yeah that is really different - I can't say I've ever really wanted to be a mom. Sometimes I start to feel like I would like to have a baby but I'm not sure yet if it's for real or if it's paranoia about getting older & maybe not being able to have a baby if I want one down the line. If that makes sense. I'm glad you're fulfilled. :-) I just want to be happy with my life & honestly right now I'm not, but I can't say that having kids would make me happy . . . I guess I don't know yet what would make me happy & I'm trying to figure it out! I know it's important for me to be financially independent but maybe that is out of fear & my mom & dad issues etc. & maybe as I discover this & work it out, it won't be that big of a deal for me. The funny thing is that in the wake of all the MM drama I took a job making less than I have ever made for the sake of balance, & it turns out that I really like this specific line of work that I'm doing here, but I think I would rather go out into business for myself & do the same kind of work. So in some ways I am happier with my career than ever before & in other ways I still want to change things up.

 

Hmm now I'm wondering if my career has been so important because of mom & dad issues -- like, I wanted to cling to it for financial independence & because being intelligent & successful was important to me, but really it's not what I would do if I didn't have that fear? See now I'm just all over the place. Ironically while having a career was important to me I can't say I've always enjoyed the one I have -- not until recently really & still it's not like 'woo hoo, this makes me extremely happy.' I need to figure out something that works for me but I'm not sure what that is yet. I do feel I'm finding my way career-wise but I second-guess myself a lot.

[Little Billy]

Very interesting topic and I know I should not be here but let me just give you the opinion of the other side(male version).

We all have anxieties,depression,concerns,etc of the things we are not certain of. Uncertainties scares us and it is just normal. I guess you are dwelling on the bad things you see from your mom and other wives/mom out there. I suggest to try to change your perception in life. Instead of dwelling on the things you fear most or hate most, try looking on the good things and the things you CAN do. Encouraging yourself in doing the right thing and looking in every one's good soul might change your outlook in life.

Sometimes too much negativity will drive a person crazy, so I encourage you to stay POSITIVE and dwell on the good things you see in other people and learn from their mistakes.

I agree with them that you are not going to be like your mother because you are a different person and just by thinking that makes you already a better person. Stay strong and I suggest for you to mingle and invest more on relationships,may it be platonic or bf/gf relationships..you will realize soon having more friends and people who loves you,you will no longer need your therapist.

On the other hand, the means does not justify the ends, what you did with the MM and his W is still wrong. Stay away from Man who is not acting like one. You deserve someone who will love you and respect you and will never cheat on you. You are beautiful inside and out...dwell on that.

[26pointblue]

Hey, don't pidgeon hole your options or your thinking. That is sort of worrying about your identity as it SEEMS to others. Or, maybe you do not want the job as done by your mom.

 

Why not be the SAHM who gets wined and dined? And retains her independence?

 

And in all honesty, I have worked successfully outside the home, and then inside. HANDS DOWN the hardest job i ever had was staying home with young children.

 

But it was the most rewarding and I am grateful for that opportunity. TOday I look into the faces of three well-adjusted young adults who I adore and they adore me, and there is nothing that compares professionally to that accomplishment.

 

So, you may change your mind, and if you do, you do it in the way that works best for you and your SO.

 

Spark, I'm glad you have found being a SAHM fulfilling. I think the issue with my mom is that she didn't find it as fulfilling as she thought it would be. Which is sad. :-(

 

I couldn't imagine staying home with a child all day, I'm sure that would be hard!!! You're right, maybe I would change my mind once I have kids, not sure. I can't imagine it but I guess I couldn't see it until/unless it happens.

 

In response to the bold - see, that is what worries me. If I was a SAHM & enjoyed that lifestyle but it all depended on my husband's income, & then my husband left me or cheated on me or something . . . I guess I don't want to need a man that much. I want to be able to afford my own lifestyle. It's fear & also the need to remain independent. I know that the SAHM does more than her fair share of supporting the household & kids so it's definitely not just about who makes the money. But since I'm not very domestic at all I would hate the kinds of tasks that are necessary to be a SAHM [i would much rather hire a maid!], & so I would feel I wasn't pulling my fair share & I would rather be earning money than doing the housework & stuff.

 

But I like the idea of leaving my options open & operating based on what I want instead of what I'm afraid of. Thanks.

[26pointblue]

I think what I was trying to say came out all muddled but you did a good job of answering my muggledness.

 

I think you are learning a great deal from this situation. So while the situation sucked massively, take heart that you are discovering more about yourself.

 

Now you need to have confidence in yourself. Don't ever let someone give you less then what you deserve. You don't want to be that woman, so stop being it. I do think you convinced yourself during the affair that you somehow were better then the wife, but really, you were just the other side of the same coin. He treated you just as badly as he treated her. And that's sad. You are too smart to put up with that. And I'm glad you aren't.

 

Thank you for the advice, I really need it. I don't know why I lack confidence! Or that I fear I will never find a guy who will treat me right. You're right that I've learned a lot from the situation & I need to think positively about that rather than beat myself up about it. And yes I felt he treated me better than his wife at the time because he would spoil me & I thought he could be honest with me because he had nothing to lose. But in retrospect I'm sure he was spoiling her too & saying & doing things to make her stay, just like he was doing to me. In fact I know he was because she told me when she called me. And I also know he was lying to me even though that was totally unnecessary. That's the thing I can't figure out - why lie to me? I feel stupid when I think back & see how he had me fooled. He was so convincing about things that he was straight out lying about. Ugh. Yeah he was doing the same thing to both her & me & rationally I am glad to be out although I don't know why I still miss him at times & why I get mad at him for things he did - I wish I just didn't care.

[waytogo]

This is a great post 26

 

It's admitting things we want to evaluate/improve about ourselfs that bring progress.

 

Great job!

[Spark1111]

Spark, I'm glad you have found being a SAHM fulfilling. I think the issue with my mom is that she didn't find it as fulfilling as she thought it would be. Which is sad. :-(

 

I couldn't imagine staying home with a child all day, I'm sure that would be hard!!! You're right, maybe I would change my mind once I have kids, not sure. I can't imagine it but I guess I couldn't see it until/unless it happens.

 

In response to the bold - see, that is what worries me. If I was a SAHM & enjoyed that lifestyle but it all depended on my husband's income, & then my husband left me or cheated on me or something . . . I guess I don't want to need a man that much. I want to be able to afford my own lifestyle. It's fear & also the need to remain independent. I know that the SAHM does more than her fair share of supporting the household & kids so it's definitely not just about who makes the money. But since I'm not very domestic at all I would hate the kinds of tasks that are necessary to be a SAHM [i would much rather hire a maid!], & so I would feel I wasn't pulling my fair share & I would rather be earning money than doing the housework & stuff.

 

But I like the idea of leaving my options open & operating based on what I want instead of what I'm afraid of. Thanks.

 

There are no guarantees in life. You will never be rich enough, successful enough, or smart enough to avoid all potential pain.

 

I used to think and act the same in an effort to protect myself from being hurt again and as vulnerable as I had been in childhood.

 

Relationships, family, children are all a risk that you take hoping, always hoping for the best outcome.

 

It's a leap of faith and always will be.

[26pointblue]

That must be a little nice to have come to this realization about yourself right? Yes perhaps disturbing but mostly a good thing I think. Making these kind of self discoveries is essential to your growth and progression in life.

 

I have so many questions. Sorry if I am probing but what you said about your family life growing up caught my attention, I can relate to much of it.

You said that you knew that your Father had an emotional affair but nobody else knows...so how did you find out? Where you grown when you discovered this, and did it change the way you thought of your Dad?

Do you ever feel an urge to tell your mother or discuss it with your father?

 

Yes, it does feel nice to have these self-revelations. It feels freeing & like it means I won't do this stuff again & instead that I can become truly happy. Not just escape into MM happy like I was. I want to be happy with my own life & although I start to feel desperately lonely, I don't want to be with a guy just because I 'need' him. I want to love my life as it is & if a guy comes along & makes it even better because we're together, cool, but if not, cool. I can't say I'm there yet, but it's where I want to be & I think by discovering & exploring this stuff I'll get there.

 

As far as my parents go [wow I hope they never find this site . . . I tried to send you a PM but it wouldn't go through so I will try to stay vague because I feel weird talking about it on a public board when my mom doesn't know about it], my sister found out some info about it four years ago [so we were both grown] & told me & together we did some investigating to find out more about it . . . I still don't its exact nature or specifics & I live away from them but whenever I visit my dad will text the person right in front of me, I guess he thinks I'm oblivious, & he'll act in very suspicious affair-like ways. As far as changing how I thought of him . . . I was somewhat shocked & disappointed but I can't say I was all that surprised; a negative trait about my father is that he is extremely hypocritcal & good at living a double life without even realizing it, lying to himself pretty much & justifying not being honest with other people & only caring about his image [very similar to xMM, & myself in the past - hopefully in the past that is . . . so I guess I see all the similarities]. Mainly I felt very angry at him & I felt some feelings I guess I shouldn't have felt having been involved in this myself, but I thought, how can he do this to my mom? How can he do this to us? And ironically I thought the lady's texts were pathetic & that she needed to get a life. [yeah, pot meet kettle ha ha]. Later I thought he was cowardly when he tried to bring up separation & issues within the marriage & blame my mom for everything - when I knew, but he didn't know I knew, that he was a huge cause of all of this himself & was dealing with it the wrong way. At first I really wanted to tell him I knew, & I had this guilty burning feeling like I needed to tell my mom, but I never said anything. My dad talks to me a lot about his marriage- like, way too much, he needs a therapist - & so after trying to give him my advice without letting on that I knew more of the story than he knows that I know, I finally have asked him to stop talking to me about it because I feel in the middle & plus he just re-hashes the same thing & never really does anything about it so I don't want to be burdened with it. If you can figure out how to PM me then just ask me anything you want to know . . . I just can't share everything on here.

[26pointblue]

Very interesting topic and I know I should not be here but let me just give you the opinion of the other side(male version).

We all have anxieties,depression,concerns,etc of the things we are not certain of. Uncertainties scares us and it is just normal. I guess you are dwelling on the bad things you see from your mom and other wives/mom out there. I suggest to try to change your perception in life. Instead of dwelling on the things you fear most or hate most, try looking on the good things and the things you CAN do. Encouraging yourself in doing the right thing and looking in every one's good soul might change your outlook in life.

Sometimes too much negativity will drive a person crazy, so I encourage you to stay POSITIVE and dwell on the good things you see in other people and learn from their mistakes.

I agree with them that you are not going to be like your mother because you are a different person and just by thinking that makes you already a better person. Stay strong and I suggest for you to mingle and invest more on relationships,may it be platonic or bf/gf relationships..you will realize soon having more friends and people who loves you,you will no longer need your therapist.

On the other hand, the means does not justify the ends, what you did with the MM and his W is still wrong. Stay away from Man who is not acting like one. You deserve someone who will love you and respect you and will never cheat on you. You are beautiful inside and out...dwell on that.

 

This is good advice, thanks, & I think anyone is allowed to be here & post.

 

I do need to strengthen my friendships & make friends with positive influences. I hope they can replace my therapist because today was my last day meeting with her as she is moving her practice to a different city. :-( So I'm kind of freaking out about that but trying to stay positive, which is good advice, I agree. I don't know how to turn myself from an automatically-negative thinking/anxious feeling person to a more positive, hopeful thinking person, but I'm trying hard. I start to get very lonely so I'm trying to reconnect with friends, call my sister & family more often, & join groups etc. Anything but talk to xMM or drink! Thanks again for the help.

[26pointblue]

There are no guarantees in life. You will never be rich enough, successful enough, or smart enough to avoid all potential pain.

 

I used to think and act the same in an effort to protect myself from being hurt again and as vulnerable as I had been in childhood.

 

Relationships, family, children are all a risk that you take hoping, always hoping for the best outcome.

 

It's a leap of faith and always will be.

 

I see that this is true although it's not how I usually think. I realize I have to change my thinking to be more hopeful instead of cynical. Thanks Spark.

[crazycatlady]

Thank you for the advice, I really need it. I don't know why I lack confidence! Or that I fear I will never find a guy who will treat me right. You're right that I've learned a lot from the situation & I need to think positively about that rather than beat myself up about it. And yes I felt he treated me better than his wife at the time because he would spoil me & I thought he could be honest with me because he had nothing to lose. But in retrospect I'm sure he was spoiling her too & saying & doing things to make her stay, just like he was doing to me. In fact I know he was because she told me when she called me. And I also know he was lying to me even though that was totally unnecessary. That's the thing I can't figure out - why lie to me? I feel stupid when I think back & see how he had me fooled. He was so convincing about things that he was straight out lying about. Ugh. Yeah he was doing the same thing to both her & me & rationally I am glad to be out although I don't know why I still miss him at times & why I get mad at him for things he did - I wish I just didn't care.

 

26p - you are a caring person, of course you are going to still care about him and miss him. Because he must have made you feel really good when he did have time for you to put up with the other times. And when you are lonely, and sad, its very easy to remember the times he made you feel good, and not necessarily as easy as the times he didn't help, and he let you down, and lied to you. He used your insecurities to get to you, to play you and a lot of men like that are masters at it.

 

And its ok to mourn the relationship. Its fine to be sad and to miss him. He did give you some of the attention you wanted. You are doing the right thing, posting here, and not emailing or texting him.

 

But now is the time to think...I'm 26pointblue and I deserve a man who will be there for me as I will be there for him.

 

Something to consider, since you mentioned that maybe you might want a child....why not save your money, put it away, invest it...so when you do find a good man and marry a good man, and you think....well maybe I do want to stay home, at least a little while....you have your own money, its there if you need it, if something were to happen, if you feel by golly I want that new dress and so I'm going to buy that new dress and not feel guilty about hubby working. This way...if you wanted to, you could stay home. Also, keep your skills up. Just because you aren't "working" and getting paid, doesn't mean there isn't plenty of oppertunities to use your skills. I did a lot of volunteer work and it helped me get back into the work force when I decided it was time.

[26pointblue]

26p - you are a caring person, of course you are going to still care about him and miss him. Because he must have made you feel really good when he did have time for you to put up with the other times. And when you are lonely, and sad, its very easy to remember the times he made you feel good, and not necessarily as easy as the times he didn't help, and he let you down, and lied to you. He used your insecurities to get to you, to play you and a lot of men like that are masters at it.

 

And its ok to mourn the relationship. Its fine to be sad and to miss him. He did give you some of the attention you wanted. You are doing the right thing, posting here, and not emailing or texting him.

 

But now is the time to think...I'm 26pointblue and I deserve a man who will be there for me as I will be there for him.

 

Something to consider, since you mentioned that maybe you might want a child....why not save your money, put it away, invest it...so when you do find a good man and marry a good man, and you think....well maybe I do want to stay home, at least a little while....you have your own money, its there if you need it, if something were to happen, if you feel by golly I want that new dress and so I'm going to buy that new dress and not feel guilty about hubby working. This way...if you wanted to, you could stay home. Also, keep your skills up. Just because you aren't "working" and getting paid, doesn't mean there isn't plenty of oppertunities to use your skills. I did a lot of volunteer work and it helped me get back into the work force when I decided it was time.

 

Yeah, I think that when I was mad at him it was easy to feel glad he was out of my life, & not contact him, but now sometimes I feel sad & maybe I'm just finally allowing myself to grieve the loss. Because I get how it wasn't a 'real' relationship & not one I want to be in but it was a real part of my life for a long time & I did like many things about him. When things were really great they were great & when they were crappy they were really crappy. I think I was addicted to the drama [as was he] & something kept me going back even though really what I want is peace. I have to remember that whenever I have the urge to see him. That it doesn't bring me peace.

 

I guess he did know how to play me & I hate thinking that about him or me but yeah. I don't even know if he purposefully made the good times great so I'd forget about the bad times, but it's more like he was genuinely always happy to see me & spend time with me - that's what I really miss. The companionship & the feeling of being excited to be around someone & for them to be around me, not to mention the great sex. It is really hard to not have that in my life right now. I've tried to find it with others & haven't come close - but I guess I'm just not ready & it's not my time yet. You're right, I do deserve a better man & will just have to stay focused on what I truly want instead of what is the easiest way out. Whenever I feel down I remind myself what I want out of life & to only do things that will eventually get me there.

 

I also think about how much worse things could have been. I was spiraling down a bad path [as was xMM] & it was affecting all areas of my life. Now I try to improve all areas of my life & even if it's harder doing it on my own, at least I'm not with someone who helps me mess it up.

[26pointblue]

Something to consider, since you mentioned that maybe you might want a child....why not save your money, put it away, invest it...so when you do find a good man and marry a good man, and you think....well maybe I do want to stay home, at least a little while....you have your own money, its there if you need it, if something were to happen, if you feel by golly I want that new dress and so I'm going to buy that new dress and not feel guilty about hubby working. This way...if you wanted to, you could stay home. Also, keep your skills up. Just because you aren't "working" and getting paid, doesn't mean there isn't plenty of oppertunities to use your skills. I did a lot of volunteer work and it helped me get back into the work force when I decided it was time.

 

I meant to address this part but forgot. It's a good idea, thanks. One of the things I did when first going NC & discovering that I think I would like to start my own business was to invest money into mutual funds that I won't take out for at least a year or two. I was kind of being irresponsible with money & spending too much of it & otherwise living in excess. So I wanted to put that chunk away & focus on my future & know that even if I'm not sure exactly what I want to do right now, by the time I have it figured out, I will have money for it. I think going into business for myself would eventually give me more flexibility to decide how much time I take off & things like that - I could be my own boss which would be nice. I don't imagine staying home with a child but if I wanted to take some time to work part-time or bring the child to work, etc., I would be the only one I had to clear that with!

 

I keep trying to imagine the kind of life that I want so that I can work towards that. The funny thing is, I'm not really even sure. I'm trying to stay more focused on the moment & appreciate what I have so that I can enjoy my current life. I often think about moving back towards home & being near my family. So right now I'm debating whether to start the business here where I'm established in my career or there where I would be an unknown newbie but have a lot of family support [& connections from growing up in the area]. So at least I'll have money to do one or the other by the time I decide. I guess I felt kind of stuck in things like my role, my career, my bad relationships etc. & now it is freeing to know I can do whatever I really want to do - I'm not limited. I have no one holding me back including xMM.

[crazy love]

Yes, it does feel nice to have these self-revelations. It feels freeing & like it means I won't do this stuff again & instead that I can become truly happy. Not just escape into MM happy like I was. I want to be happy with my own life & although I start to feel desperately lonely, I don't want to be with a guy just because I 'need' him. I want to love my life as it is & if a guy comes along & makes it even better because we're together, cool, but if not, cool. I can't say I'm there yet, but it's where I want to be & I think by discovering & exploring this stuff I'll get there.

 

As far as my parents go [wow I hope they never find this site . . . I tried to send you a PM but it wouldn't go through so I will try to stay vague because I feel weird talking about it on a public board when my mom doesn't know about it], my sister found out some info about it four years ago [so we were both grown] & told me & together we did some investigating to find out more about it . . . I still don't its exact nature or specifics & I live away from them but whenever I visit my dad will text the person right in front of me, I guess he thinks I'm oblivious, & he'll act in very suspicious affair-like ways. As far as changing how I thought of him . . . I was somewhat shocked & disappointed but I can't say I was all that surprised; a negative trait about my father is that he is extremely hypocritcal & good at living a double life without even realizing it, lying to himself pretty much & justifying not being honest with other people & only caring about his image [very similar to xMM, & myself in the past - hopefully in the past that is . . . so I guess I see all the similarities]. Mainly I felt very angry at him & I felt some feelings I guess I shouldn't have felt having been involved in this myself, but I thought, how can he do this to my mom? How can he do this to us? And ironically I thought the lady's texts were pathetic & that she needed to get a life. [yeah, pot meet kettle ha ha]. Later I thought he was cowardly when he tried to bring up separation & issues within the marriage & blame my mom for everything - when I knew, but he didn't know I knew, that he was a huge cause of all of this himself & was dealing with it the wrong way. At first I really wanted to tell him I knew, & I had this guilty burning feeling like I needed to tell my mom, but I never said anything. My dad talks to me a lot about his marriage- like, way too much, he needs a therapist - & so after trying to give him my advice without letting on that I knew more of the story than he knows that I know, I finally have asked him to stop talking to me about it because I feel in the middle & plus he just re-hashes the same thing & never really does anything about it so I don't want to be burdened with it. If you can figure out how to PM me then just ask me anything you want to know . . . I just can't share everything on here.

 

 

Well I think you have to have a specific amount of posts here to be able to PM..I am almost at the 50 mark so hopefully that will unlock my PM lock!

I only just started posting. I used to come here to read and learn about other peoples experiences. Lately I've been feeling more chatty.

That is a crazy position for you to be in. I know the feeling as far as being your parents therapist..except I was councling my Mother most of the time and now looking back I feel it was so wrong of her to put me in that position in the first place but what r u gonna do?

I'll PM u when I figure out how to!

Keep ur head up Lady

[TinaniT]

 

Hmm now I'm wondering if my career has been so important because of mom & dad issues -- like, I wanted to cling to it for financial independence & because being intelligent & successful was important to me, but really it's not what I would do if I didn't have that fear? See now I'm just all over the place. t.

 

 

The sum of our experience will always contribute to who we are. There is nothing wrong with that within itself; It doesn't change who you are. It doesn't mean you can't celebrate who you have become.

 

 

Most the friends I have made now are stay at home moms. Many have left very lucrative and rewarding careers and are thrilled with raising children. It certainly isn't an option because of lack of belief in one's self. I'm the rarity in lack of advanced degrees and experience. (And had my son not been a surprise while on birth control pills, I would have rather held off on becoming a mom until I had a certain security in my background as well; I was really vulnerable with my ex and he would hold money over my head overtly.)

However, a lot of the problem with my love's exwife and her depression, etc. - He does believe him pushing her to be a stay at home traditional mom when her personality is better suited towards working (she has an MBA from the same prestigious institution he received his advanced degrees) led to their demise. Knowing yourself here is important. As long as you know yourself, and stay true to yourself, it's bound to bring happiness.

 

 

Smile!

[26pointblue]

The sum of our experience will always contribute to who we are. There is nothing wrong with that within itself; It doesn't change who you are. It doesn't mean you can't celebrate who you have become.

 

 

Most the friends I have made now are stay at home moms. Many have left very lucrative and rewarding careers and are thrilled with raising children. It certainly isn't an option because of lack of belief in one's self. I'm the rarity in lack of advanced degrees and experience. (And had my son not been a surprise while on birth control pills, I would have rather held off on becoming a mom until I had a certain security in my background as well; I was really vulnerable with my ex and he would hold money over my head overtly.)

However, a lot of the problem with my love's exwife and her depression, etc. - He does believe him pushing her to be a stay at home traditional mom when her personality is better suited towards working (she has an MBA from the same prestigious institution he received his advanced degrees) led to their demise. Knowing yourself here is important. As long as you know yourself, and stay true to yourself, it's bound to bring happiness.

 

 

Smile!

 

I'm wondering how ya'll afford to be SAHMs! Your husbands must make bank! I know that was a very personal comment & I just meant it as a joke , but seriously, in these times & in this economy it seems to be impossible to be a SAHM even if I would want to. So kudos to you for being able to do it, & for keeping your own interests & life like with the triathalons. I believe if my mom would have done this- rather than making her life about us & expecting us to make our life about her- we would have been a lot more well-adjusted. I am however very grateful to my mother for sacrificing for me & loving me. It's just I think there might be something as too much love or the wrong kind of love or something. I guess it's a parallel to what I learned from being with xMM- true love is about loving & respecting yourself first, & then loving & respecting another person.

 

Ever since posting this thread I've felt so much better about the ideas of dating, getting married, maybe having kids. I've realized it is possible for me & I can make my own definition of it & that I deserve it. Last night I was out & had a guy hitting on me & another former FWB text me & I went home alone whereas before I would have randomly hooked up with one out of stupidity/drunkenness, & not wanting to be alone. I texted my sister & BFF & told them I would rather be alone than settle for less than I deserve, & that sex/ non-serious dating has been for me an escape outlet just like xMM & drinking. [i'm working on that too & have realized that it's fine to have a couple drinks when out with friends or even to occasionally indulge if things like accomodations & transportation are provided for in advance- but not to always drink to excess & as a means to cope.] I just feel so much more balanced & in control of so many areas of my life. I'm grateful for everyone's good advice. Thanks Tinani.