I trust her, but not him...

[nemesite]

OK, I'd be really grateful for some advice on this, because it's a situation I'm finding incredibly tricky.

 

I have been with my gf for 2 years now, and everything has been going great for the most part. Of course there have been some issues, but in spite of them I have been patient because I know she is a sweet girl and she does care about me.

 

We currently don't live in the same town because of work (though I am planning on moving to where she is at some point), but we try to see each other at weekends whenever we can. She's new to the town where she now works, whereas I'm living in a town I grew up in (moved away but came back again later). In other words, she doesn't have that many friends yet.

 

Just a few hours ago, she told me she met a guy when she was working late and he gave her his number and asked her if they could be friends. She said she wanted to check with me first (which is how I came to know about this). She then asked me if it was OK for her to have a male friend (i.e. this guy).

 

Now I'm not insecure or possessive, and I genuinely trust my gf, but when she told me about this guy, the alarm bells started ringing. She interpreted this as lack of trust in her on my part and got upset at me, so the conversation ended before we could discuss it properly. However as per the title, it's the guy I don't trust. Speaking as a man, I know exactly how men operate.

 

When I was single, I never went out of my way to give my number to a woman unless I was interested in her, which is generally what men do in such situations. I'm also suspicious of the way he just gave my gf his number so soon after meeting her.

 

This now puts me in a difficult spot because if I object, my gf is going to think me possessive and controlling, but if I go along with it, I feel as though I'm giving a total stranger the opportunity to move in on her (even if he doesn't get anywhere, it's the principle). If we both lived together or at least in the same town, this wouldn't bother me so much, but because of the current distance, I don't like the thought of this guy potentially seeing more of my girlfriend than me, and I REALLY don't trust his motives because I've been where he is, too.

 

Either way, it's doing my head in. I really don't know what I should do for the best; this seems like a no-win situation. Should I just let her be friends with this guy, or a I right for being suspicious of his intentions? Please help!

[Bryanp]

If the roles had been reversed and you told her you met this new woman who is very nice and she gave you her number and asked that we be friends; how do you think your girlfriend would be feeling?

 

If you are in a long term serious relationship then it is probably going to lead to nothing good. The way he approached your girlfriend and whipped out his phone number asking to be friends is very suspicious. He sounds like he is player and knows she is all alone.

 

You are the bad guy no matter what happens. If you object to her hanging out with another single male who clearly finds her attractive well then you are insecure. If you say O.K. and down the road she ends up being intimate with this guy; she will blame you because you gave her permission to hang out and be friends with this man. I am afraid it will all end badly. Again you may wish to ask her if it is all right for you to hang out with a specific single female friend also. I wish you luck.

[vsmini]

Well the fact that she wanted to check with you first already shows that she knows this could bother you. It is thoughtful of her and it's good that she is being honest.

 

It's not a matter of trusting this other guy - he isn't part of your relationship and in the end - nothing is going to happen unless she lets it happen...so in the end - the trust is about her, not him.

 

One thing I've discussed in the past with friends and my boyfriend is that there are a couple elements to trust. I have to:

A. Trust my partner will do the right thing and not eff up.

B. Trust that my partner will be smart and respectful enough to avoid certain tempting situations where his chances of effing up are greater.

 

I might get reamed out for saying this but if I was in a new town I would want GIRL friends...not guys that are friends. I'm not an idiot and would know that most guys that come on asking for friendship are looking for something else. Most friendly guys just let friendships happen and take it slow because there is no hidden agenda. Shoving a phone number in my face usually means something else.

 

Trust your girl, show her you trust her. It's the best thing you can do for a healthy relationship.

[jnj express]

You have it right---the guy wants to move in, get some action, and who knows what

 

Your GF, also knows, what she did was wrong----she had to throw some kind of sign, to him, for him to wanna exchange phone #'s

 

The problem boils down to this---it doesn't really matter what they do---the deal is she is now WITH ANOTHER MAN---she wants to be with him, and she is cultivating a friendship with him, when she KNOWS she is in a serious relationship with you---it is a serious relationship is it not????

 

You need to set her straight---no arguments, be icy-cold---just tell her---you will not be involved in a 3some----either she is with you, or she ain't.

 

Your other problem is---since you are a LD relationship---you never really will know what she IS doing, if she wants to cheat on you

[Kezu]

I think its pretty tricky too... That she has told you is a good sign, or maybe she wanted to check out if you'd suspect anything or... maybe she will try to ask you if she can have some emotionless sex because she's so far away and sex does not equal love or something like this. And it's pretty weird they traded phone numbers now.. as someone else said she'd want girlfriends not boyfriends if she was looking for friends.

 

How long has she been away and how long will she still be there? Also when you say you trust her but not him, do you mean you think he will be able to successfully seduce your girlfriend?

[nemesite]

I think its pretty tricky too... That she has told you is a good sign, or maybe she wanted to check out if you'd suspect anything or... maybe she will try to ask you if she can have some emotionless sex because she's so far away and sex does not equal love or something like this. And it's pretty weird they traded phone numbers now.. as someone else said she'd want girlfriends not boyfriends if she was looking for friends.

 

How long has she been away and how long will she still be there? Also when you say you trust her but not him, do you mean you think he will be able to successfully seduce your girlfriend?

 

Well they didn't trade numbers. From what she told me, he gave her his number and asked for them to be friends. She said she'd check with me first before giving her number to him.

 

We've spoken since then and I told him that I did not approve because I know the guy was up to no good and she told me she'd throw away his number and didn't want to jepordise what we had over this. However, I do find it odd that she didn't seem to know she was being hit on. Either she was being extremely naiive or knew exactly what he was doing, but liked the attention an decided to ask me because she felt a bit guilty about encouraging him.

 

As for the distance, we only live an hour apart so it's really not a big deal, and we do see each other most weekends. She's only moved to where she is recently. Last year, she lived in the same town as me.

 

As for your last question, it's not that I necessarily think he'll successfully seduce her, I just don't like the idea of some single guy who went out of his way to give my girlfriend his number hanging around her all the time when I'm not there and seeing more of her than I currently do. In other words, I don't trust him being with her because I know what he's after.

Edited May 26, 2011 by nemesite

[Kezu]

Well they didn't trade numbers. From what she told me, he gave her his number and asked for them to be friends. She said she'd check with me first before giving her number to him.

 

We've spoken since then and I told him that I did not approve because I know the guy was up to no good and she told me she'd throw away his number and didn't want to jepordise what we had over this. However, I do find it odd that she didn't seem to know she was being hit on. Either she was being extremely naiive or knew exactly what he was doing, but liked the attention an decided to ask me because she felt a bit guilty about encouraging him.

 

As for the distance, we only live an hour apart so it's really not a big deal, and we do see each other most weekends. She's only moved to where she is recently. Last year, she lived in the same town as me.

 

As for your last question, it's not that I necessarily think he'll successfully seduce her, I just don't like the idea of some single guy who went out of his way to give my girlfriend his number hanging around her all the time when I'm not there and seeing more of her than I currently do. In other words, I don't trust him being with her because I know what he's after.

 

 

Oh.. Sorry for my misunderstandings.

 

I have the gut feeling she won't cheat on you after reading your last post, especially if you two still see each other. Have no fear imo.

[PegNosePete]

I do find it odd that she didn't seem to know she was being hit on. Either she was being extremely naiive or knew exactly what he was doing, but liked the attention an decided to ask me because she felt a bit guilty about encouraging him.

Indeed. I would say it's (b) but then I am a pessimist (or should that be realist?). Very few women do not know when they are being hit on. It's not hard; guy comes up to you and gives you his number. Sounds like you did the right thing though. You need to nip this kind of inappropriate behaviour in the bud. Now she's had the yellow card so if it happens again, she can't claim the same naivete. If it happens again then you can come down on her like a ton of bricks.

 

In other words, I don't trust him being with her because I know what he's after.

So what you are saying, in other words, is that you don't trust her to tell him to F off? You can't have it both ways. Trusting her but not trusting him is a contradiction.

[nemesite]

So what you are saying, in other words, is that you don't trust her to tell him to F off? You can't have it both ways. Trusting her but not trusting him is a contradiction.

 

Look at it this way. For the sake of argument, let's say I went along with this instead of saying "no", and let's say they started seeing each other as friends. She may not have seen it as anything more than that but, being a guy, I'm certain HE would've thought he was in there and would've used the opportunity to his advantage (I would).

 

And yes, you are right in that under such circumstances, I would need to trust her to let this guy know if his behaviour was becoming inappropriate, but if the situation had escalated to that point, the possibility of something happening would always be there. I'm sure as a "realist", you can appreciate where I'm coming from.

 

Beyond that, the fact that she even considered it has given me pause for thought. If it was the other way around, I wouldn't even think about going there unless I was having doubts about the relationship and wanted to set myself up with a Plan B "just in case".

[Bryanp]

It is good that you made your feelings known. You both live only an hour away from each other and see each other every weekend. Why would she even consider taking this guy's number and asking you if it was all right to have a male friend? I have a hunch that there is more to this story.

[PegNosePete]

but if the situation had escalated to that point, the possibility of something happening would always be there. I'm sure as a "realist", you can appreciate where I'm coming from.

Well yes. But that is what "trust" means. You trust her not to allow it to get to that point. If you do think it's a possibility then you don't trust her 100%.

 

Beyond that, the fact that she even considered it has given me pause for thought. If it was the other way around, I wouldn't even think about going there unless I was having doubts about the relationship and wanted to set myself up with a Plan B "just in case".

Yes indeed. And as Bryanp says there may well be more to this story that you don't know yet. I'm not saying that it went all the way but it certainly does smack of trickle-truth.

[OriginalPenguin]

Well yes. But that is what "trust" means. You trust her not to allow it to get to that point. If you do think it's a possibility then you don't trust her 100%.

\.

 

I do not agree with this.

 

You can trust somebody 100% and still feel disrespected. This goes along with what was posted earlier about trust also being defined as trusting your partner to avoid situations that might make things difficult.

 

We are all human and humans are imperfect beings. At the extreme one could see a scenario playing out this way:

 

faithful SO accepts a guys number as "just friends"

 

They hang out a while, get to know each other, share things

 

All the while they are acknowledging the fact that they are "just friends" but that doesn't always exclude flirting.

 

Things are said like "Your boyfriend/girlfriend is so lucky, i would love to have someone like you" (but of course we are just friends)

 

If alcohol is involved at any point in this process it can be even worse.

 

This may seem cynical and extreme but I honestly feel it is realistic. It's like setting your house on fire, sitting down at the kitchen table and thinking "Boy, I sure hope I don't get burned".

 

Literally playing with fire and should be nipped in the bud. Why deliberately put yourself in a position where your loyalties may be questioned? And furthermore why put your SO in a position to wonder what is going on?

[vsmini]

I do not agree with this.

 

You can trust somebody 100% and still feel disrespected. This goes along with what was posted earlier about trust also being defined as trusting your partner to avoid situations that might make things difficult.

 

We are all human and humans are imperfect beings. At the extreme one could see a scenario playing out this way:

 

faithful SO accepts a guys number as "just friends"

 

They hang out a while, get to know each other, share things

 

All the while they are acknowledging the fact that they are "just friends" but that doesn't always exclude flirting.

 

Things are said like "Your boyfriend/girlfriend is so lucky, i would love to have someone like you" (but of course we are just friends)

 

If alcohol is involved at any point in this process it can be even worse.

 

This may seem cynical and extreme but I honestly feel it is realistic. It's like setting your house on fire, sitting down at the kitchen table and thinking "Boy, I sure hope I don't get burned".

 

Literally playing with fire and should be nipped in the bud. Why deliberately put yourself in a position where your loyalties may be questioned? And furthermore why put your SO in a position to wonder what is going on?

 

EXACTLY. I'm in a committed relationship and I love and trust both myself and my partner. Part of this committment entails keeping your A*S out of tricky and tempting situations (and yes - many times you can play innocent but you knew all along there *might be some kind of attraction to a friend and/or acquaintance). Otherwise you could pull the grass is always greener approach and bail whenever you wanted - well I married her but I started hanging out with her and I like her too! PLEASE. When you say "I DO" I'm under the impression that you also agree to make a committment to keeping your butt out of potential trouble.

 

I understand the OP isn't married but this is what also needs to be in place for a serious relationship as well.

[g450]

Yeah exactly. Why would she want a "male" friend? Is the OP not enough for her?

 

She is either a player and the OP doesnt realize this yet or she doesnt really see a relationship with the OP and thinks of him as just another horse in her stable or another "male friend".

[nemesite]

Yeah exactly. Why would she want a "male" friend? Is the OP not enough for her?

 

She is either a player and the OP doesnt realize this yet or she doesnt really see a relationship with the OP and thinks of him as just another horse in her stable or another "male friend".

 

I hear what you're saying, but I don't think it's as bad as all that. We have been in a relationship for 2 years after all and if it's one thing I do know about her is that she isn't a "player", nor the type to juggle several men at once (if she wanted to do that, then I don't think she would've told me about it), which is why I find what she did to be odd, and I have a very hard time accepting (as she insists) that she didn't think the guy was being inappropriate and didn't even have an inkling that maybe he was trying it on.

 

However, vsmini and OriginalPenguin have basically summed up the contention I have about this with regard to trust. That is, not putting yourself in potentially compromising situations. I, for instance, out of respect for her would not knowingly hang out with another single woman if I knew or at least suspected that she found me attractive. That is blatantly playing with fire and courting infidelity. It's also unfair to the third party as this would be intentionally leading them on.

 

When we discussed this, she told me that she hadn't considered my objections (whereas before, she tried to make me feel like I was just spoiling her fun and stopping her from having friends) and said that she wouldn't jeopardise the relationship by having a male friend she knew I didn't approve of and promised that she'd discarded his number. I can only really take her word for it and trust that she has. Additionally, she insists that she loves me, that I'm the only man she wants and that she didn't think the guy was hitting on her by offering his number even though they'd only just met.

 

Beyond that, and the major sticking point for me however, is the fact that she took another man's phone number and didn't seem to think she was doing anything wrong.

 

Even now, she thinks I'm overreacting, that the matter is done and I should just stop going on about it. She hasn't apologised to me for what I see as an act of flagrant disrespect, knowing full well that were the boot on the other foot, she would've thrown the mother of all hissy fits. Instead, she gets defensive, turns the whole thing around on to me so I'm the bad guy.

Edited May 27, 2011 by nemesite

[PegNosePete]

I have a very hard time accepting (as she insists) that she didn't think the guy was being inappropriate and didn't even have an inkling that maybe he was trying it on.

Yeah dude it's pure BS. She knew exactly what was going on. A blind lemur would know that a guy giving you his number on the first meeting is not someone who is looking for a Bridge partner.

 

Beyond that, and the major sticking point for me however, is the fact that she took another man's phone number and didn't seem to think she was doing anything wrong.

Indeed... it's pure BS. The major sticking point for me would be that she is lying to you. She knew what was going on but she can't hold up her hands and tell you that she did wrong, apologize and say it'll never happen again. That is what she should be doing. But instead she is denying any wrongdoing and blame-shifting. To me it would be a huge red flag. If she is lying about this, what else is she lying about? As said earlier... I don't think you've got the full truth of what happened yet.

[sanskrit]

However, I do find it odd that she didn't seem to know she was being hit on.

 

They know -exactly- what's going on in these situations, it's a game of self-deception they play for some reason at your expense.

 

EDIT: and are you sure your "overreacting" isn't merely you bringing it to her attention and stating your position calmly in a matter of fact way? They love to manipulate using terms like "overreacting." Of course if you got angry about it or ranted, it could be overreaction, but just make sure you aren't being semantically conned. Has happened to me so many times in life I can't keep count, "I don't like it when you speak to me that way! it's disrespectful!" when I had merely made my feelings clear in an unemotional plain way. Words like "overreacting" often decode from "female" into "I don't like your position and it doesn't comport with my agenda." See it all over LS as well.

Edited May 27, 2011 by sanskrit

[nemesite]

 

EDIT: and are you sure your "overreacting" isn't merely you bringing it to her attention and stating your position calmly in a matter of fact way?

 

Oh, I know it is. I was very calm and clear, I never shouted (in fact, she was the one raising her voice in defence of her actions - make of that what you will).

 

She's supposed to be coming to see me this weekend so it will be interesting to see how this will pan out. Again, as far as she's concerned, she's totally innocent, has done nothing wrong except try to make new friends, and I'm the mean, bad boyfriend getting in the way and who now won't stop going on about the matter after it's supposed to be over and done with.

[OriginalPenguin]

Oh, I know it is. I was very calm and clear, I never shouted (in fact, she was the one raising her voice in defence of her actions - make of that what you will).

 

She's supposed to be coming to see me this weekend so it will be interesting to see how this will pan out. Again, as far as she's concerned, she's totally innocent, has done nothing wrong except try to make new friends, and I'm the mean, bad boyfriend getting in the way and who now won't stop going on about the matter after it's supposed to be over and done with.

 

I feel for you, I really do. Having been down a similar road with guys that are "just friends" with my girl, in my case some of these guys obviously have a crush on her but she either refuses to see it or refuses to acknowledge it. Like you, I tried to not over react but it still stings because also like you, I would not do the same thing to her out of respect. Some single chick asks for my number? I would feel like a world class heel giving it to her, or if she tried to give me hers. At worst I could see myself taking the number just to be polite, deleting it and having a laugh about it with my girlfriend.

 

Really hope you guys work this out. Got my fingers crossed for ya.

[Fugu]

Here's the bottom line: what can you really control? You're in another town, and you're still boyfriend and girlfriend - nothing more than that. If you say no, and if she doesn't like your dissent, then she'll be mad at you. If you say yes, and she ends up with this guy, well, that's life.

 

I would just let her have the guy's phone number and see where it leads. If you feel that she's becoming more distant (not returning phone calls as much, etc), then deal with that if it happens, but not before. You can't stop her from liking other people. Hopefully she won't, but you can't stop it if she does. I agree that her hanging around with him as friends is not a good thing. But what can you do to stop it except break up with her...which is what you're worried about anyway.

[hoping2heal]

OK, I'd be really grateful for some advice on this, because it's a situation I'm finding incredibly tricky.

 

I have been with my gf for 2 years now, and everything has been going great for the most part. Of course there have been some issues, but in spite of them I have been patient because I know she is a sweet girl and she does care about me.

 

We currently don't live in the same town because of work (though I am planning on moving to where she is at some point), but we try to see each other at weekends whenever we can. She's new to the town where she now works, whereas I'm living in a town I grew up in (moved away but came back again later). In other words, she doesn't have that many friends yet.

 

Just a few hours ago, she told me she met a guy when she was working late and he gave her his number and asked her if they could be friends. She said she wanted to check with me first (which is how I came to know about this). She then asked me if it was OK for her to have a male friend (i.e. this guy).

 

Now I'm not insecure or possessive, and I genuinely trust my gf, but when she told me about this guy, the alarm bells started ringing. She interpreted this as lack of trust in her on my part and got upset at me, so the conversation ended before we could discuss it properly. However as per the title, it's the guy I don't trust. Speaking as a man, I know exactly how men operate.

 

When I was single, I never went out of my way to give my number to a woman unless I was interested in her, which is generally what men do in such situations. I'm also suspicious of the way he just gave my gf his number so soon after meeting her.

 

This now puts me in a difficult spot because if I object, my gf is going to think me possessive and controlling, but if I go along with it, I feel as though I'm giving a total stranger the opportunity to move in on her (even if he doesn't get anywhere, it's the principle). If we both lived together or at least in the same town, this wouldn't bother me so much, but because of the current distance, I don't like the thought of this guy potentially seeing more of my girlfriend than me, and I REALLY don't trust his motives because I've been where he is, too.

 

Either way, it's doing my head in. I really don't know what I should do for the best; this seems like a no-win situation. Should I just let her be friends with this guy, or a I right for being suspicious of his intentions? Please help!

 

Either your GF is a dunce, or she is playing manipulation with you. Either option is not really ideal. I do not ask my SO if it is okay if I make friends with other males..I do not need to ask. I know it is not appropriate, nor do I have interest in it. I am not stupid, I know males at my age are not looking for a shoulder to cry on and someone to shop for shoes with. Unless we work together, males my age want to wait until I am having a relationship problem, or I break up so they can get in and have their chance at what they want. It is not rocket science. It is doing your head in for good reason, because it is damn wrong. A man is not possessive for not wanting his gf to have a relationship with another man. Confiding in, building trust, spending time..time that will NOT be spent with you..to go have a male friend, is a problem.

[hoping2heal]

Oh, I know it is. I was very calm and clear, I never shouted (in fact, she was the one raising her voice in defence of her actions - make of that what you will).

 

She's supposed to be coming to see me this weekend so it will be interesting to see how this will pan out. Again, as far as she's concerned, she's totally innocent, has done nothing wrong except try to make new friends, and I'm the mean, bad boyfriend getting in the way and who now won't stop going on about the matter after it's supposed to be over and done with.

 

If that is how she feels..that she is innocent and you are just controlling then good riddance, there are faithful and loyal women out there who would not even dream of doing that to their partner..let alone asking permission. Sorry but, this girl is not all that and her behavior shows it.

[nemesite]

Update: We've now split up as of this weekend.

 

The split wasn't necessarily because of the issue raised in this post, but because of something else that came up and made the relationship impossible to continue with. It was my decision to end the relationship.

 

Still, I am sad it's come to this, but looking back, not only at this incident but at other things that have happened between us during our time together, I'm starting to feel like I really dodged a bullet. Unfortunately, it's two years of my life I'll never get back, which is always the most frustrating thing about when long term relationships end.

 

Right now, I just want to take some time out to be by myself and re-evaluate things. I also have to excise my flat of all the stuff she left there as well as deleting all her pictures from my PC and phone. All two years worth.

Edited June 13, 2011 by nemesite

[PegNosePete]

Sorry to hear that dude. Yeah it does seem like a waste of life what that happens. But you have to look on the bright side, you did have good times, and you did learn from it. So it was not a total waste. As long as you grow from the experience and avoid the same mistakes, then it is not wasted.

[Only Gal]

I don't know what to say.

do u demand her to accept if ur hanging out with single female frenz?

if yes, then u should be ok with this, but keep your eyes open coz it's a LD and it's not easy.

i just broke up from a serious relationship and it was a big LD (i mean not one hour distance, but 15 hours flight). he felt insecure of me having new male frens. i loved him with all my heart and i didnt want him to feel that way. so i cut off any contact to some (5 of them) he didnt like so much. On the other hand, i wanted it to be fair, and i demanded him the same thing (to cut off any contacts with a girl who was obviously hitting on him n called him at 2am, 1am in the morning to talk at the bar), but he didnt agree and didn't accept it. he wanted only to be free having frenships with anybody. it caused so much troubles coz it's not fair.

 

so, If she's the kinda gf who is OK with you hanging out with single female frenz, then i think nothing will happen between her n him. But if she ever showed u that she doesn't like it, then it means something else.

remember to balance the fairness, so none of you would feel who's the most giver and receiver.