I've been making progress but FB is STILL causing me confusion and frustration

[confused1989]

Hey all,

 

For the past few months I have been progressing but I have been battling confusion with facebook. It really is the last thing that has been driving me mad this whole time. I know I made a previous post or thread about this before but I am having huge difficulty with this topic.

 

First of all we haven't had barely any contact since March, but we haven't hung out since Valentines day which I guess is when it could be considered that we officially ended things.

 

My ex put me on limited profile so that I couldn't 'like' any of her statuses, photos, etc. pretty much right after we broke up. She continued to 'like' any status I made which I found stupid, but anyway I just didn't post any more statuses or anything since that.

 

I have her blocked from my news feed and all that and I found that was helping a lot without having to actually delete her. I didn't want to delete her because I felt like she wanted to break up with me for a while but she didn't have the guts to do it and I was the one who deleted her from BBM, canceled our relationship status, etc. I felt like she forced me into doing all of that though and putting my foot down and saying that we can't talk anymore. That was all me.

 

I feel like I care way too much, way more than she does. I wanted to be strong and show her that I can keep her on FB and not be bothered by having her on it. Who knows if a friendship could have occurred down the road sometime. She holds huge grudges against people, and she has held it against me since I deleted her off of BBM and told me that she would never under any circumstances re-add me again or accept if i did re-add her, so that is making me scared about deleting her off of FB all together.

 

Anyway my problem is that I can still see her thumbnail picture sometimes when i'm on mutual friends pages or sometimes she even shows up on the side of my page in the friends list spot. It's currently a picture of her and a guy who I felt suspicious of towards the end of our breakup, it was a new guy who she had just met and they've been spending a lot of time together lately. She never did have pictures of me and her on her facebook barely, and it's not normal for her to have a picture of her and another guy there.

 

I'm wondering what to do. For one, I don't even know if they're an item, he lives 10 hours away from here but she's out that way for 6 weeks doing a course and didn't really know him at all prior to now, she only just met him toward the end of our relationship when he was in our town for the weekend. I don't want to look weak, if I delete her now she'll know it's because I got jealous.

 

I don't know what to do and I'm afraid of what message I would be conveying if I did delete her. I'm struggling with this aspect, if she was dating him it's not like she'd ever make it obvious anyway, she'd hide it.

 

I talk about this with people but I always get mixed reactions. My family tell me to keep her on there, some of my friends say to delete her and a couple of my friends say not to because they did it to their ex and ended up regretting it and adding them back 50 times so I'm just worried about it all.

Edited May 25, 2011 by confused1989

[Call Me Al]

What she thinks is irrelevant. Maybe she will think you're jealous. Maybe she will think you just cleaned up your friends list. Who cares?

 

Deleting and blocking her conveys a message that is the reality of your relationship status. It is over.

[confused1989]

I guess these past few days i've been thinking about it more because of the fact that she was texting me all month and i kept up with NC but then she texted me friday saying "hey:)" and i responded back and was going to remind her that i told her not to contact me anymore and ask her if there was something important she had to say to me if she was contacting me so much. I was curious so i responded a day later saying "whats up?" and I was going to proceed to say what I had just mentioned that I planned on saying.

 

Anyway she twisted it back on me and ignored me which i find stupid after she reached out for 6 weeks with no responses from me. Figured she would reply for sure so it caught me a little off guard.

 

I've come to feel some indifference towards her in a lot of ways but am not ready at all to see her moving on so fast and possibly be with another guy. And i don't know, NC has made me wonder if she ever did give a sh*t about me in the first place, because this time apart has made me feel like our relationship was one big joke and a money grab if shes moving on this fast.

 

She's made me feel below a ton of guys so I don't even know why it's so hard for me to do this. I guess in the big scheme of things even if I did delete her it wouldn't change much she'd still be living her life and i'd still be living mine, i'd defeintly lose respect from her because I know what type of person she is, she'll think i'm weak and a joke like she thought all along anyway. But I don't know, I shouldn't have much respect for her anyway.

 

I guess I'm just trying to be nonchalant, trying to act like things don't bother me and trying to convey the message that she can do whatever she wants on her profile and do whatever she wants in her life and it doesn't bother me. To me this approach made sense and I've been trying to stick to it for the past few months. There are aspects of her life that I really don't care about anymore, and I rarely if ever think about what she's doing or what she's up to. It's just when there's another guy in the mix it makes me feel a bit off about things, reaffirms to me on top of everything else she did to me that not 1 word she ever said was the truth.

 

I guess this question is stupid because if her status ever turned to "in a relationship" and I found out about it i'd likely be hitting the delete button right away.

Edited May 26, 2011 by confused1989

[Call Me Al]

But you aren't indifferent to the relationship. If you were, you wouldn't be concerned about her opinion of you and what she is doing.

 

The relationship wasn't one big joke. You're letting the negatives get you down and dwelling on it.

 

Clearly she cares enough about you to have hounded you with texts over the course of the past month. She is obviously at least curious about what you're up to/why you aren't speaking to her.

 

The problem with attempting to convey nonchalance is that in trying to do so by keeping her added but then actually getting your stomach in knots over every little thing she posts, you're working against yourself to achieve that nonchalance.

 

If you're concerned, post a status update that says something to the effect of how you're doing a friends list cleanup. Ultimately, what she thinks doesnt matter that much.

[cookiecrumbles]

Delete Delete Delete

 

Stop making excuses!!

 

From the sound of her personality she cant stand it when you dont pay attention to her, so goooood for you. Use it as a way to improve yourself and get over her. Because when you do pay her attention she uses that to make herself feel good and get an ego boost.

[Beeotch]

Facebook isn't causing you confusion....your own actions are

 

I can empathize with the crazy thoughts you're having, as I went through that foolishness too of not wanting to delete the ex, blocking his news feed, tip toeing around Facebook, inadvertent Facebook stalking, making it seem like defriending him from FB would be the end of the world...but I am here to say: Last year in January, I deleted the ex off FB and life went on. Here I stand today, happy, fine, and over the ex a year and some odd later, and we still aren't friends and I could care less

 

Deleting the ex was the BEST thing I ever did as I didn't have to go through the so-called confusion and upset of seeing anything about him and tying myself up to his life in this more passive way. I regretted it after I did it for like 2 days (that's normal, doing the right thing, believe it or not, doesn't always feel good at first. You may go into panic, just like when you breakup, even if it is the right thing, people often get scared and run back), then realized the TRUTH: we ARE NOT friends, it is JUST Facebook. When I am over him and we can be cool then Facebook will ALWAYS be there and he can always be re-added. I am not deleting him from life...just MY life and making MYSELF more comfortable and helping ME to move on.

 

Clearly your ex being on your list bothers you....so delete her and be done If you don't you're going to continue making threads saying you're "so confused" or be upset each time you log on. Either delete her or just never log on til you're over it. You're not confused...you just are scared to make that move, as it is also one of those "nails in the coffin" and in break ups we love living in Denial/Hopeland...where we do lots of crazy things to "keep" the ex around in some obscure way but tell ourselves that that is not the case.

 

I've been there, done that, so it's not like I don't know the jig. But I've also come out the other side and realize OBJECTIVELY that it is insane and a productive of denial and trying to hold on and the best is to delete and move it along. What's the WORST that can happen by you deleting her? Ask yourself this. She already broke up with you, you aren't friends.....what? She won't "get back together" with you?? *gasp* And if that is the real reason (which for most people it is)...trust me, that is crazy thinking and if a relationship is meant to be after you're broken up, Facebook has NOTHING to do with it.

Edited May 26, 2011 by Beeotch

[confused1989]

I suppose so Al. I don't want to give the impression that I'm down and out and dwelling on the relationship all of the time though. I introspected and analyzed it inside out for weeks and concluded that I was happy with the effort and what i brought to the table during our relationship and we had things that we could have worked on that she chose not to. She had a lot of baggage of her own as well. I have made a ton of progress since we broke up and I know she's toxic and that I need to stay away from her. It's confusing though that even though I don't even want her back it's still bothering me that she's moved on quickly and has not shown any emotion toward me or any care at all since the breakup. I guess when I cut the facebook cord though that will be less on my mind, as obviously seeing that thumbnail picture triggered a reaction for me.

 

and you're defintely right about the nonchalance thing. It's hard to fake it sometimes, especially when in reality the nonchalance might not even be doing any good for either of us. She most likely doesn't care at all if I beg or if I'm nonchalant, so maybe I have to stop faking that everything she does doesn't bother me at all.

 

I have to say though, in general she is bothering me less and less. I really just think it's the idea of a new guy, and the fact that my ego is being hit again. I really could care less what she's doing out there for those 6 weeks, I guess that thumbnail just gave me a rush of anxiety for a bit and I know if I saw any other new pictures in the future it'd probably do the same which is no good for me.

 

cookie, yeah you're right she can't stand it when i don't give her attention. She thinks she's all that, and when we broke up she told me that 500 other guys would have loved to be in my shoes, etc. so sometimes i'm sure she can't figure out why i'm not begging for her back. At the same time though she will get her attention elsewhere, aslong as she gets it from someone shes happy.

 

Beeotch, great advice too and a great story. Yes my own actions are causing me confusion and you are right. Facebook is a drama starter that's for sure. My ex is toxic and I know I can't ever take her back so I don't even know why this is bothering me, I guess it's because I'm still not over her and because I'm suffering ego loss again, thinking about how I treated her so good and how she got over me so quickly. But I don't dwell on this as much as it may seem, i usually go on with my day but when things like this happen i just get a rush of anxiety and kind of get down for an hour or two.

 

You're right though, we broke up, i tried to work things out and she chose not to, we're not friends because friendship isn't what i wanted and we weren't friends before we started dating anyway. I know we're not right for each other, and i might get a telling off or she might laugh in my face for deleting her but oh well, it'd only be temporary.

 

Thanks for your wise words though, that was great advice.

Edited May 26, 2011 by confused1989

[MyHeartHurtsOuch]

get rid of facebook until you have control over yourself and your emotions....its like an alcoholic not being able to hang out at a bar....detox buddy....detox...delete it or live with the pain

[lalalandman]

delete Facebook. Take it from someone who has experience. Remove yourself from the fray. Disappear for a while. Heal, Grow, and return stronger.

[radiodarcy]

i agree with everyone else. delete her. it's time to show her you're not her puppet and cut that string. she's been very childish by issuing such threats that if you were to do so she would never add you again. so what! it's freaking facebook. i deleted my ex back in november and i have no desire whatsoever to re-add him just for the 'privilege" of being able to have a glimpse into his life.

[plasma]

Deactivate facebook account for 2 weeks, detox

 

you will have clearity when you or if you decide to even go back

 

 

good luck

[confused1989]

I did it, I can't believe how much it got to me that she was seeing someone else. I'm not jealous of him, just surprised at how quickly she has moved on after saying that I hurt her so bad and all of that. Learning now that she was full of crap and tried to put the blame on me. Well, knowing that she has moved on so fast I don't think I should feel bad anymore. She wasn't hurting too much if she found someone better in 2 months. She didn't love me the way she says she did.

 

I have no desire to be friends with her, no desire to get back together with her, nothing. I just suffered a bit of a confidence hit.

 

Anyway... no more FB so I won't be seeing any more of that. Feels good for now.

[sonic3]

Just delete her man, don't put yourself in ANY position that will cause you any discomfort or pain/confusion.

 

I cut contact with my ex and mutual friends, why should I risk running into her at parties etc... I'm looking out for No.1 now.

 

**** her and what she thinks, just do whatever it takes to make YOU feel better and cause you less pain because there is no point dwelling over silly things like Facebook.

 

Go a step further and just stop using it altogether, it is mostly bull**** anyway.

[WTRanger]

I love the rationalization that Facebook is the one causing problems. Oh, it's never the person doing it to themselves. Gotta blame something else.

 

Own your actions, delete the girl, and move on with your life. You don't want to delete her because you don't want to accept that it's over. Once you realize that your life is the result of your own actions, then it gets easier.

[confused1989]

I did it. Pulled the plug. Deleted her. Had her hidden from my news feed since Feb or March but seeing her move on with her happy life is way too difficult and I couldn't fight the temptation to look at her profile especially when I saw that picture of her cuddled into her new guy.

 

If her life is so good without me and she can move on so quickly, then she shouldn't be on my facebook anyways. She had me limited so that I couldn't 'like' any of her pictures or statuses or comment on anything, so what's the point anyway?

 

I feel good for the time being.

[confused1989]

Oh, and ranger, yes you're absolutely 100% correct. I know I was rationalizing and I know that it's my own fault for letting FB get to me. I was disappointed in myself and thought "well if she's strong enough to keep me on FB and not delete me, then I should be the same way." But I battled that for too long, and I absolutely hated the fact that she could check up on my profile whenever she wanted to, even though I wasn't posting anything.

 

I know it's a weakness and flaw that I have that I had trouble deleting her but I was just battling with the quote that I stated above. It was difficult, I wanted to be stronger than I was and I feel wimpy for not being that strong.

 

Anyway, the deed is done. I have many reasons not to feel guilty about it, hopefully she's moved on enough now not to bother me about it either. She used to guilt trip me and threaten me and tell me if I did delete her then that was that, it was permanent and she would never add me back again.

 

But mutual friends who used to love me started deleting me for no good reason, I guess my ex wasn't saying very nice things about me anyhow, and I realized that having her on FB didn't really matter a whole lot. It might shake up her confidence a little, that's all. Having her there isn't going to make her change her opinion of me, she's still likely not going to think that highly of me either way, so i did this for ME.

Edited May 27, 2011 by confused1989

[confused1989]

Well, I deleted her on Friday and I didn't feel guilty about it at all. If anything, it actually felt damn good. I felt like a champ again, and I still do.

 

I heard from her today, I didn't expect to anytime soon, so it caught me a bit by surprise. All she said was the whole "Don't know why you felt like you had to delete me? LOL but anyway hope all is well."

 

Made me feel like she thinks I'm a joke, as always. But that's ok, because as time goes on I'm thinking less and less of her anyway. Tired of her looking down on me.

 

I feel like telling her exactly why I did it, but rather than do that I'm just going to post it here.

 

First of all she tries to contact me for a month straight and I ignore, then when I do respond she decides to ignore me. Then the next day she's posting pictures of her cuddling into a new guy which she knows I'll either see or find out about because of so many mutual friends.

 

Second of all.. she had me restricted to her profile anyway. Couldn't 'like' or comment on anything. If she's gonna do that, why not just delete me?

 

Third of all, she thinks she's way too good for me, so she can keep thinking that and I'll get my arse off of her VIP facebook friend list. She doesn't want to be with me, so she shouldn't have the privilege of seeing what I'm up to, etc.

 

Oh, and her friends who used to like me just start randomly deleting me off their list, so she's running her mouth about me most likely, which is fine. Those who know me know the difference.

 

Rather than look at herself and wonder what she might have done for me to delete her, she'd rather look at me and laugh, and see it as my problem. Story of our relationship anyway.

 

I expected that though from all the other posts related to this type of deal on here. They all seem to react the same and suffer some ego bruising.

 

Sometimes I wish I could have left things on good terms with her, but I knew that wasn't gonna happen anyway.

[bl22]

dont just delete her...block her...and any of her friends she may use the account off to check on you.