26pointblue Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 I'm having so many mixed emotions today. And for some reason an overwhelming urge to contact xMM. So I'm posting here instead. I am having these waves of emotion. I thought the rollercoaster ride was supposed to be done once the affair stopped? But now it feels even worse sometimes. One minute I feel so mad at him & at myself, so sad & depressed & lonely. The next minute I feel really glad to be out of it, relieved that it is over, stronger & wiser. And for some reason I have been having this really big fear that I will never find true love. A good man who will make me happy & who I can make happy. I can't say that I've been looking or that I'm ready to look. But it feels for some reason that I will not have this. Karma maybe? I feel old & beat up. :-( I know I'm pretty young, & everyone says I have so much going for me. I am attractive, intelligent, educated, successful, fun, funny, kind . . . I know all of these things but I feel old & beat up still! The strange this is that I never felt that I loved or was loved by anyone as much as xMM. I know that the relationship was messed up, dramatic & unhealthy & I worry that that's what attracted me to it. That I'm afraid of real commitment & the risk of a real relationship. That I only want the thrill & excitement. Or that once I am ready for the real thing I won't find it & I'll be lonely. I guess overall I feel very depressed today. I haven't been able to concentrate at work even though yesterday I had amazing success on a certain big project & everyone keeps congratulating me. Sometimes I marvel that I have been able to keep my job through all of this. I just can't hold myself together some times, like right now. I'm just sitting in my office crying, luckily most people have gone home & my door locks. I'm all over the place & I don't know when I'll start to calm down or get to Happy. I know that xMM was my escape from my life just as I was his escape from his. I felt so happy when we were together, euphoric even. Now I go through phases of euphoria being relieved that it's over & I got out. Then I still suffer the pain of going through it & I have the opposite emotion, like a deep depression. I wonder when this will be over? I'm trying to take it day by day, or, today, literally minute by minute. I told my sister I need to talk to her & she's going to call me tonight when she is free. I hope that helps me because I feel like I'm going to explode. :-( I just needed to get this out. Thanks for listening LS. PS The only explanation I can come up with for why I feel so bad today is that at first I was very very angry at xMM & it helped me stay away from him & focus on myself. Lately I have been missing him & thinking about our good times & how much we really did love each other. So Idk what to do because I don't want to be mad at him or hate him but I also don't want to romanticize or glamorize what it was. What it was was a big mess of everything, all jumbled up, & I know there were good & bad parts to it & I need to be realistic when I think about it. I think I need to just not think about it but Idk how to do that. Luckily I have my counseling appointment tomorrow. But my counselor is changing her practice to a different city & tomorrow will be our last appointment unless I want to travel about an hour each way. :-( Maybe that is why I'm feeling so crazy. She is my sanity & I honestly thought I was getting better & could go without her or maybe just travel up there once a month while I wean myself off of her. [i went from once a week to every other week & that has been fine.] Maybe I am just feeling scared to go without counseling. I really don't know.
greengoddess Posted May 26, 2011 Posted May 26, 2011 I don't remember your story. Does the wife know? Maybe you need closure. If she doesn't know it is time to end it forever and tell her.
Author 26pointblue Posted May 26, 2011 Author Posted May 26, 2011 I don't remember your story. Does the wife know? Maybe you need closure. If she doesn't know it is time to end it forever and tell her. She knows. And it is over forever. I am just having a hard time dealing with it I guess.
Author 26pointblue Posted May 26, 2011 Author Posted May 26, 2011 Just take it one day at a time. I'm sorry it's so hard. Thank you. Today I have felt it is hard to take it seconds at a time. I can't even talk to my boss without almost seeming to cry for no reason out of nowhere. It was just a really bad day I guess!
whichwayisup Posted May 26, 2011 Posted May 26, 2011 Thank you. Today I have felt it is hard to take it seconds at a time. I can't even talk to my boss without almost seeming to cry for no reason out of nowhere. It was just a really bad day I guess! Yup, chalk it up to a bad day. You're going to have more of those but they will be less and less as time goes on. And you won't be as sad and emotional. My guess is, you'll rebound and feel great after seeing how strong you are.. Ride this out and tomorrow is a new day. Whatever you do, do NOT contact him! Keep posting on here.
HappinessSeeker Posted May 26, 2011 Posted May 26, 2011 I totally understand where you are coming from, and I have moments like that all the time. The way I get back on track is to remind myself of the reasons why I broke it off to begin with. It really helps. I also have to remind myself that theres no happiness is being someone's convenient option. I hope you can pull through you'll be happier in the end, at least that's what I continue to tell myself. Best of luck!
Silly_Girl Posted May 26, 2011 Posted May 26, 2011 I do know how you feel, 26. And the confusion is a nightmare... Fake it til you make it. When things start swinging along on a day to day basis you'll find thought streams making sense at the back of your head. For now I'm not sure (and I hope this doesn't sound patronising) you're going to make much sense of anything just yet. Do look after yourself though!! Treat yourself as though you would a poorly friend. Lots of TLC
donnamaybe Posted May 26, 2011 Posted May 26, 2011 "...old and beat up." I totally get that hon. During the time I was going through my D with the selfish ex, the Dixie Chicks CD that was popular then had a song on it with a phrase that really stuck with me. "And it wrung me out and strung me out and hung years on my face." She was singing about a bad R, and that is EXACTLY how I felt after breaking free from that self centered jerk. You'll get yourself back, and better than ever. I promise! Just stick to your guns or you'll end up taking a step back rather than moving forward toward what you know will be better days for you. You know what you want, and he's not prepared to give it to you. I know someone will find you who is.
Arrangrl Posted May 26, 2011 Posted May 26, 2011 Hiya Oh you wee pet, this is a bad day but it will pass. Just come on here and get it off your chest. When my ex and I split up, I cried so much I perfected the art of crying without it ruining my mascara, ( I was getting so fed up, going to see my students with panda, streaked make up!!) Cry, get it out your system, talk to anyone who will listen and trust me, you will find love again Chin up now ( hugs) Arran x
Author 26pointblue Posted May 26, 2011 Author Posted May 26, 2011 Aww thanks everyone. I am having a better day although still not great. I didn't contact him which makes me feel strong. I've been trying to focus on my goals & yes reminding myself why it ended. My sister really made me laugh last night when she said I'll never find a good single guy to date if I'm hanging onto an old married guy. Sometimes it's just nice to have that sense of humor & to realize that while I may think I miss him & still want to be with him, it's really not where I want to be & it's not good for me. Thanks again.
donnamaybe Posted May 26, 2011 Posted May 26, 2011 My sister really made me laugh last night when she said I'll never find a good single guy to date if I'm hanging onto an old married guy. Hee hee! Your sis is right. Just be your fabulous self and let those great single guys find you!
myname Posted May 26, 2011 Posted May 26, 2011 Aww thanks everyone. I am having a better day although still not great. I didn't contact him which makes me feel strong. I've been trying to focus on my goals & yes reminding myself why it ended. My sister really made me laugh last night when she said I'll never find a good single guy to date if I'm hanging onto an old married guy. Sometimes it's just nice to have that sense of humor & to realize that while I may think I miss him & still want to be with him, it's really not where I want to be & it's not good for me. Thanks again. This seems a really pertinent message for me to learn, thanks. Your sister is right, and it's a great way to look at.
greengoddess Posted May 26, 2011 Posted May 26, 2011 That's one of the things that make me the angriest about the whole afffair dynamic. The years of wasted life. The single woman wasting the best years of her life thinking of a married man when she can be out living life and finding a single man. It makes me so angry that these men string women along like this.
Steadfast Posted May 26, 2011 Posted May 26, 2011 All, or part of your sad depression could be from your subconscious, considering the mess you've made for yourself. But no matter how badly you feel, know it pales in comparison to what this man's wife is feeling. No matter what he told you about her. If your prince charming ever shows, you'd better be honest and upfront about your past. If he finds out from somebody else, you'll not only be guilty of keeping secrets but you'll have painted yourself as a hypocrite by expecting him to be faithful. Call it karma, what comes around or whatever you want, you'll learn then that cheating is the gift that keeps on giving. Understand that this slime isn't the problem nor is he the cause of your unhappiness. That's all on you. To get right, we must first be right.
crazy love Posted May 26, 2011 Posted May 26, 2011 Hey Point. i am glad that you are having a better day. Have you tried writing out a list of reasons why it had to end, and what made you un-happy in the relationship? For me just the process of writing something on paper seems to make the idea stick in my brain more. You can take this list with you to work and read it to yourself as many times as you need to. Might help a little. hugz to you.
Author 26pointblue Posted May 26, 2011 Author Posted May 26, 2011 So I don't doubt that you feel love and question whether or not you'll feel that again. Like you, I had to take time to myself, had to figure out some things and do a lot of personal work, but in the end, the A was a stepping stone to where I am now. It gave me the opportunity to learn some things about myself and helped define what I wanted in the future. This is exactly how I feel . . . although I'm not there yet, that's what I'm working towards & even if though this time alone feels hard, I know it's necessary. I felt kind of shocked when I realized I had learned valuable things from the affair & had grown because of it. It seemed to me that nothing good was supposed to come from these things. But I guess if I hadn't seen it as a learning experience I never would have gotten out of it or I'd just do it all over again or something. So yes I had to learn something from it. I regret what it took to get here but I guess it was necessary. Doesn't justify it but I feel it was necessary for me to mess up big to learn what I really wanted & didn't want out of life & who I want to be. I can totally relate to what you said, thanks for sharing. It makes me feel more positive about a totally otherwise crappy situation.
Author 26pointblue Posted May 26, 2011 Author Posted May 26, 2011 Hey Point. i am glad that you are having a better day. Have you tried writing out a list of reasons why it had to end, and what made you un-happy in the relationship? For me just the process of writing something on paper seems to make the idea stick in my brain more. You can take this list with you to work and read it to yourself as many times as you need to. Might help a little. hugz to you. Thanks Crazy Love. I really appreciate the support & encouragement, it's exactly what I need right now. I haven't written the list but I've actually been thinking about the items to go on the list. When I was coming back to work after my therapy appointment I was feeling really anxious; I know it's because it was my last one & I'm afraid to go this alone [i could always find a new therapist but I'm hoping I am strong enough to not need it . . . I'm not sure yet.] So to calm myself down I thought about your idea & I started thinking about the reasons I needed to end it & all the things I didn't like about the situation & about him. It's already a pretty long list in my head. So I will do that when I get a little more time & I agree it will keep me realistic about the relationship instead of glamorizing it in my head. Thanks for the help!!!
Seeker Sam Posted May 26, 2011 Posted May 26, 2011 One minute I feel so mad at him & at myself, so sad & depressed & lonely. The next minute I feel really glad to be out of it, relieved that it is over, stronger & wiser. Yep - that's been my rollercoaster too. I think the relieved/stronger/wiser wins out in the end ... that's my hope. And for some reason I have been having this really big fear that I will never find true love. A good man who will make me happy & who I can make happy. I can't say that I've been looking or that I'm ready to look. But it feels for some reason that I will not have this. Karma maybe? I feel old & beat up. :-( I know I'm pretty young, & everyone says I have so much going for me. I am attractive, intelligent, educated, successful, fun, funny, kind . . . I know all of these things but I feel old & beat up still! I hear ya! In fact I used almost those exact words the other day, I feel old and weary. And yet I'm not. I think its the bruising around the heart!! I know that the relationship was messed up, dramatic & unhealthy & I worry that that's what attracted me to it. That I'm afraid of real commitment & the risk of a real relationship. That I only want the thrill & excitement. Or that once I am ready for the real thing I won't find it & I'll be lonely. I've had those fears too. Then I remind myself that the strong similarities between the two men I've loved most in my life (XH and XMM) are that they are both kind men with big hearts. I remind myself that this is also part of what attracted me. It brings me balance. So sure, fear the f***ed upness, but remember we're all f***ed up in our own way. I think its called being human. Lately I have been missing him & thinking about our good times & how much we really did love each other. I believe this to be true. In my situation I see my NC as an expression of that love. When I told him that I loved him I meant it. And sometimes love is letting go. REALLY letting go. It honors what he wants and his choice for himself, despite my wants. That's my definition of love anyway. Every day/week that goes by I tell myself is just further proof of that. It has the added bonus of making NC much easier, so it works for me. I find it a bit ironic that even though the situation was purely f'ed up, xMM is the one man who, up to that point, had made me feel loved and secure and valued. I know how strange that sounds to people who haven't been there, but it's true. The point is, regardless if his love was true (because I'm certainly not going to debate that point with anyone), I realized that I was capable of feeling the love and security and it gave me hope that it was out there for me...in the form of a single man who could give it to me honestly and openly. That was a very big eye opener for me. I so agree with this! I hadn't experienced that depth of love before, and it showed me what I was looking for, but in an available form, one that didn't bring pain to others, and myself. I have a small kernel of hope that I'll find it someday, but even if I don't I won't go down the EA path again. Its brutal. I love the line from the Rob Thomas song Smooth: 'give me your heart, make it real, or else forget about it'. Its my new motto!
crazy love Posted May 26, 2011 Posted May 26, 2011 Thanks Crazy Love. I really appreciate the support & encouragement, it's exactly what I need right now. I haven't written the list but I've actually been thinking about the items to go on the list. When I was coming back to work after my therapy appointment I was feeling really anxious; I know it's because it was my last one & I'm afraid to go this alone [i could always find a new therapist but I'm hoping I am strong enough to not need it . . . I'm not sure yet.] So to calm myself down I thought about your idea & I started thinking about the reasons I needed to end it & all the things I didn't like about the situation & about him. It's already a pretty long list in my head. So I will do that when I get a little more time & I agree it will keep me realistic about the relationship instead of glamorizing it in my head. Thanks for the help!!! ur welcome. Don't feel like you have to go it alone. If you need more counseling you have not failed any test of strength of conviction. Just means you've got more things to sift thru thats all. Glad the list helped.
Author 26pointblue Posted May 27, 2011 Author Posted May 27, 2011 ur welcome. Don't feel like you have to go it alone. If you need more counseling you have not failed any test of strength of conviction. Just means you've got more things to sift thru thats all. Glad the list helped. True, Crazy Love. If I still need professional help I'll find a new therapist. Last night I made the list about why it needed to end. I also made a list of my good qualities, as well as a list of who/want I want to be [thinks like organized, discliplined, positive-thinking, etc.] I figured it's a good way to celebrate who I am [passionate, adventurous, spontaneous etc. - which I think are good qualities but need to be tempered by other ones], & to work on self-improvement. There are a lot of things I inspire to change but I realize I can't do that without loving & accept myself for who I am & where I am now. I decided to pick one goal a day to work on, & today is being positive. For some reason I woke up feeling GREAT. Better than I have in a very long time. I told my dog, who is recovering from a car accident/surgery, that it's going to be a great day. I brought her to the office with me & sh'es very active & walking around a great deal which is good [she can walk some now, when she wants to, with a boot!] I realize that what I wanted out of life was not to be an OW. There are a lot of other things I want that I know I can get if I just focus. I really think that ending things with xMM was the first step but that it will take me quite awhile to even figure out what I want in order to be happy, & how to get it. It's easier to wallow in misery & miss xMM than to actively try to change things & stay positive. All of that just sunk in with my therapy & with posting here on LS, so I'm grateful for that. For awhile I was ruminating on what went wrong with xMM & why & how it could have been changed etc., & this morning I'm just like, you know what? I don't care. I don't care why or how it ended, just that it did & that I never let myself go back there again. Thanks Crazy Love & everyone for the help, I'm really glad I posted because now I feel so much better.
crazy love Posted May 28, 2011 Posted May 28, 2011 U r so welcome Point Blue Im glad u are feeling better. I am so sad to hear that ur dogie was in an accident. And she survived to tell the tale! Thats 1 tough cookie. I hope that u two girls have a most marvelous memorial day weekend!
Breezy Trousers Posted May 28, 2011 Posted May 28, 2011 (edited) Before I got into the A with xMM, I'd had a couple/few pretty bad men experiences. Short story is that I wasn't really loved despite having given my everything. This is part of the reason I was vulnerable to the A to begin with. I find it a bit ironic that even though the situation was purely f'ed up, xMM is the one man who, up to that point, had made me feel loved and secure and valued. I know how strange that sounds to people who haven't been there, but it's true. The point is, regardless if his love was true (because I'm certainly not going to debate that point with anyone), I realized that I was capable of feeling the love and security and it gave me hope that it was out there for me...in the form of a single man who could give it to me honestly and openly. That was a very big eye opener for me. So I don't doubt that you feel love and question whether or not you'll feel that again. Like you, I had to take time to myself, had to figure out some things and do a lot of personal work, but in the end, the A was a stepping stone to where I am now. It gave me the opportunity to learn some things about myself and helped define what I wanted in the future. The emotions do get better. It's natural to grieve the end of the relationship. Again, it's f'ed up due to the nature of it, but it doesn't make how you felt about him (or how he felt about you) any less real. Wow, great post. 26, I notice you are sounding very powerful in the last day or two. I'm sure May 25th was just a bad day. This experience is already making you into a very wise person, as is evident from recent support you've given others here. Can't wait to see what the future holds for you. I don't mean that in a patronizing way -- my life has shifted in many incredible ways since my experience with MM. It's a blessing. Usually when I had an extraordinarily crappy day, there's a tremendous breakthrough on the other side of it. Seems like that was your experience this week. Edited May 28, 2011 by Breezy Trousers
Amour7 Posted May 28, 2011 Posted May 28, 2011 26, I am so glad you are feeling better. I had a really tough day a few days back but I have bounced back, too. Are you still running? Also, I've been listening to some uplifting music lately, and I remember you had been seeking playlist suggestions. PM me if you are still looking for some ideas. Yay for you. Keep it up, girl!
Author 26pointblue Posted May 28, 2011 Author Posted May 28, 2011 Wow, great post. 26, I notice you are sounding very powerful in the last day or two. I'm sure May 25th was just a bad day. This experience is already making you into a very wise person, as is evident from recent support you've given others here. Can't wait to see what the future holds for you. I don't mean that in a patronizing way -- my life has shifted in many incredible ways since my experience with MM. It's a blessing. Usually when I had an extraordinarily crappy day, there's a tremendous breakthrough on the other side of it. Seems like that was your experience this week. You're right, Breezy, it's like I had a really, really, really low day that surprised me, & then I had a really, really, really happy day that surprised me even more! I wish the 'up' would last forever, but I will also take a consistent peaceful/neutral feeling, which is what I'm aiming for. [Actually I am aiming for joy & happiness but I'm not sure that's something that can be sustained long-term or just a feeling that swoops over one now & then.] Overall I do feel strong for not contacting xMM & for so far successfully blocking all ways for him to contact me. For starting over fresh. I have times when I want to send him mean emails letting him know exactly what I think of him & that in hindsight I totally see through his lies & games. But then I ask myself, where would it get me? I would still be stuck!!! Other times, less often, such as on May 25th, I miss him so much I wish I could call him & tell him I'm sad without him. But I know that would be pathetic & that I need to give myself the love he can't give me instead of hoping that he magically can. So I still have down times but not caving & contacting him makes me feel really strong. And concentrating on making the life I want for myself. Funny enough I think this is the first time in my life I've ever really: 1) truly realized & believed I can have whatever life I want! ; 2) thought hard about what kind of life I want -- even if I'm not sure, I'm aware of the goal of figuring it out & paying attention to what makes me happy; & 3) actively working to acheive the kind of life I've figured out so far that I want for myself. I often think it's really really stinky that it took an affair with an MM to get me to this point, but maybe I'm one of those people who has to learn the hard way, or, I was just royally messed up & now I'm a lot healthier. I don't know but whatever it is I'm glad I'm here now even though the journey was ROUGH!!! Thanks for the support Breezy. LS helps me feel better & stronger.
Author 26pointblue Posted May 28, 2011 Author Posted May 28, 2011 26, I am so glad you are feeling better. I had a really tough day a few days back but I have bounced back, too. Are you still running? Also, I've been listening to some uplifting music lately, and I remember you had been seeking playlist suggestions. PM me if you are still looking for some ideas. Yay for you. Keep it up, girl! Amour, I'm glad you're doing well! Yes I'm still running, in fact I've lost 5 pounds. :-) I would like to lose 10 more by the time my sister comes out to visit in July - we are going to go shopping for new clothes. I'll PM you for the song suggestions. Thanks girl!! Keep smiling.
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