Jellswerthy Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 I found this board for the first time about a week ago while doing various searches online about cheating, husbands and marriage. I have read a lot but there is nothing that seems to me to be quite my situation. Well either that or everything is my situation because these things are all the same. But I would like not to think so. I just don't know right now. I don't even know if this is technically the right board to post on but here goes. My husband and I have been married for around 15 years and have been together for 20. We both have successful careers and lots of family support and mutual friends where we live. Here is the hard part. A few years ago, I was looking through my husband's cell phone and found pictures of him with another woman. They were not dressed. And it was not just any woman. It was someone I knew, a woman who had once been one of my very good friends, so I thought. She had moved away a long time earlier with her own husband and kids and although she had popped up on Facebook at some point and we were friends, we didn't do anything else but Christmas cards. So I thought. So my husband travels all over for his job and I guess he had been seeing her through that. I take a lot of the blame, we were working very hard and we didn't have kids at the time so although it tore me up inside I could see how it happened. Maybe not then but later. Anyway after a lot of heartbreak and soulsearching we decided to work on our marriage and he agreed to never see her again. Everything has been fine since then, the sex life is back again and after thinking for a long time we did not want children, we actually did have our first child last year. Life has been great and although again my husband travels all over, things have been quiet, he has been very loving and devoted and I felt we were past all this. Recently however I was approached by a friend, who told me they had heard through another friend, that my husband might still be in contact with this same woman. When I heard who the other friend was, I was skeptical. This other woman is not someone I would say is one of my better friends and in fact I might even say I consider her competitive with me and my husband. I suspect she might have even been one of those kinds who were "happy" when she found out about the troubles my husband and I were having. Unfortunately at the time, I made the mistake of confiding in several friends when I was losing my mind and I have no illusions that the story did not travel. Most of my friends here where we live now also remembered that other woman and she was friends with them, too. Of course the first thing I did was to tell my husband, who went pretty crazy. He was so angry that I would distrust him after all he has done to make things right that he looked like he was nearly about to lose his mind. He could not even talk to me, he was so upset, and he stormed out of the house and I barely saw him for the next two. He would just text me things like "I can't believe you would think this" and "your distrust hurts me deeply" but he would also not be here to talk to me! Meanwhile I have talked to both my friends (the 1st one and the competitive one) and have asked them if they have any more proof. This is my life we are talking about and I have a baby now. I don't want to wreck my marriage on crazy accusations. The competitive friend who called my other friend says she has it from some anonymous emails (the hell?) but that all the details seem right. I looked at the emails but I don't know who they are from and tracing the details just puts the emailer right back in our home state. They are details about when my husband was away with this other woman for vacations which are the same as some of my husband's business trips, at least the ones I have been able to look up in my calendar. In the end I decided we have a baby and need to focus immediately on our family and I told my friends or "friends" that I was happy they wanted to help but that I would handle this on our own. I learned my lesson from last time about confiding in people and how that works. Since then, this has been a month or two, my husband has been great but I think more distant. Either that or I am feeling more distant from him because this has stirred up lots of old fears and insecurities and maybe I am the one pushing him away. He has told me that the friends who are planting these ideas are not my true friends, they just like a good drama story to gossip about, and that the only evidence I need to see is that he is here at home with me every time he can be. I know he loves our baby. We never thought we could love something so much together. However I have not been able to get over this. He gives me his cell phone and lets me log into his email account and look at everything. I find nothing. His phone is full of pictures of me and the baby. I am embarrassed to admit it but I go through his things regularly while he is away and find nothing. I feel bad that I stirred all this up and half think that my being crazy might even make him want to go find this woman and start something up again with her. There was some reason he went for her outside our marriage in the first place and through channels I know she's divorced now due to the affair with my husband. I feel like I am going crazy. Am I leaving out any details? I realize I don't even think I know how to trust my own gut and don't know whether it's because I am insane here with a baby and hormones or if there is something else I can do to find out if there is really something going on. Like I said before, even with a great support system and friends, this time around I feel like I am all alone because I remember how nuts it was when I shared our troubles and the stress it caused so many people and if this is really nothing then I would like to keep it that way. I have apologized to my husband for distrusting him and blamed my emotions and fears, but deep down it bothers me that in the end I don't think he really felt like he needed to prove it all wasn't true. He just kept saying how hurt he was that I distrusted him. He doesn't understand that I want proof. But I feel bad asking for it at the same time. I badly need perspective, as my message title says it all. thank you.
ladydesigner Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 I understand where you are at. I had actually proof of my H A's and he still would not confirm or deny anything. I have tried to move past this and have even taken revenge by having my own A (that is a whole other story). But somedays I feel as you do like I will never fully trust my H again and when stories or time lines do not make sense I get accusatory. I know exactly what you mean when you cannot trust your own gut feelings. You are not alone
drifter777 Posted May 26, 2011 Posted May 26, 2011 Just my take, but for a confirmed cheater to take such offense when you confronted him about the gossip you heard makes me very suspicious. Granted, it doesn't sound like the two of you set any ground rules after his affair, but common sense should tell him that you are entitled to review his shyt whenever you feel the need. You are not crazy and deserve the truth and you may have to go to some extremes to get at it. First off, he could have another phone that he uses for contacting her. Look for it in his car or office or wherever you think he might stash it. Secondly, while it sounds like it could be challenging following him around the country, what about following her? If he is going to meet her in another city perhaps you could hire someone to tail her when your husband is goes on his business trips. Get creative because it doesn't sound like he's ever going to 'fess up and you are never going to simply take his word for it. I hope you find out that the gossip is false and your husband is all done with cheating. Even then I think you both need counseling and I think you should begin ASAP to help you work through these issues. If he is cheating again you are going to have to decide if you can share him with other women because it's either that or divorce.
Silly_Girl Posted May 26, 2011 Posted May 26, 2011 That's a great post drifter! jellswerthy, I get the impression (despite your attempts at detective) that perhaps you don't want to know the truth. Or aren't quite ready. Thing is, already your mental state is affected. You acknowledge that. I suspect you know it won't get better unless a) you find the proof of their ongoing contact or b) your husband changes his attitude quicksmart and convinces you of his commitment to you and to rebuilding your trust. You need some peace in your head but you have to seek it.
bentnotbroken Posted May 26, 2011 Posted May 26, 2011 You are being gas lighted. Get counseling now to help you see clearly and process what you see so that you can make an informed choice.
Author Jellswerthy Posted May 27, 2011 Author Posted May 27, 2011 I am sorry I felt bad about not being here to answer other posts but I am so far behind it is not even funny. I am looking up gas lighting tonight. thanks.
vsmini Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 Huge red flag that he blew up on you when you confronted him about it. And he wouldn't talk to you about it? Perhaps that's when he freaked and needed alone time to get his story straight. Don't buy into all that "here's my phone and email" stuff - he just blew up on you for not trusting him and now he expects you to go thru his stuff? You can delete emails and cover your tracks easily now a days. I say see a therapist and get a clear view on things
JaneyAmazed Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 Huge red flag that he blew up on you when you confronted him about it. And he wouldn't talk to you about it? Perhaps that's when he freaked and needed alone time to get his story straight. Don't buy into all that "here's my phone and email" stuff - he just blew up on you for not trusting him and now he expects you to go thru his stuff? You can delete emails and cover your tracks easily now a days. I say see a therapist and get a clear view on things I agree with the cell phone/e-mail issue. Anyone can get another cell phone or multiple e-mail addresses.
Author Jellswerthy Posted May 28, 2011 Author Posted May 28, 2011 thanks and I am back. I feel stupid. I live with this man and have no idea how on earth to access different email addresses or even find out if he has another cell phone. One thing that occurred to me is that on the cell phone I check, the one that has the bill sent here, there are not as many business calls on this phone that I would expect because I know he is a great rep. There are a lot but a lot of it is phone calls to family and numbers that I know. And the numbers that are there that I don't know, they trace back to med offices. Oh God, I can't finish this. Am I really figuring this out? How is he making all these sales calls just with the cell phone that I am checking, right?????
Linda9999 Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 Um, why do you blame yourself?? You need to STOP doing that. When someone cheats, it was THEIR choice. You may be partly to blame for having a bad marriage in the first place, but he chose to step outside of it. You didn't, and you were in the same marriage. It really upsets me when BS's say 'it was partly my fault' or 'i was to blame'. That is ABSURD and UNTRUE. And yeah, the fact he blew up is a huge red flag to me too. He should be falling all over himself to prove he's been faithful every single day since he cheated.
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