calling other parents

[worlybear]

My friend who picks up my daughter from school,with her own daughters as a favour told me that my 9 yr old had stolen some toys from her daughters.

I confronted my daughter and after initially denying it she admitted it and the toys were returned by daughter,with written apology.

I found out tonight that my daughter had still not returned some items and more worryingly that money had gone missing.

After denial she confessed to both.

I am appalled.

The money involved was a hefty sum and "disappeared" some months ago.

I really wish my friend had told me her suspicions then.

Daughter is grounded. No t.v. No treats and a special trip cancelled.

Written apology (hers) and everything returned directly by her.

I also intend to halve her toy collection and donate to needy children.

I can deal with the practical side of this.

When asked why though, she wasn't able to explain.

I asked her to "write to her Dad "(not seen for almost 2 yrs) and explain to him, and she wrote that she took the things because she is jealous of her friends because they have a dad.

She has always said she wants nothing to do with him but I am wondering if it might be better to try and get him to see her.

I could email him- I really don't know what to do for the best.

I know it will be difficult due to the very vitriolic dynamics of all the family relationships.

What the hell do I do?

[Eve]

My friend who picks up my daughter from school,with her own daughters as a favour told me that my 9 yr old had stolen some toys from her daughters.

I confronted my daughter and after initially denying it she admitted it and the toys were returned by daughter,with written apology.

I found out tonight that my daughter had still not returned some items and more worryingly that money had gone missing.

After denial she confessed to both.

I am appalled.

The money involved was a hefty sum and "disappeared" some months ago.

I really wish my friend had told me her suspicions then.

Daughter is grounded. No t.v. No treats and a special trip cancelled.

Written apology (hers) and everything returned directly by her.

I also intend to halve her toy collection and donate to needy children.

I can deal with the practical side of this.

When asked why though, she wasn't able to explain.

I asked her to "write to her Dad "(not seen for almost 2 yrs) and explain to him, and she wrote that she took the things because she is jealous of her friends because they have a dad.

She has always said she wants nothing to do with him but I am wondering if it might be better to try and get him to see her.

I could email him- I really don't know what to do for the best.

I know it will be difficult due to the very vitriolic dynamics of all the family relationships.

What the hell do I do?

 

Due to her age, I would only introduce him if he is stable. I say this because the tide has changed in many circles away from thinking that seeing an unstable parent is beneficial to children.. thank goodness! Then again, I don't understand why you made her write a letter to a Dad that she does not even see?

 

If you choose to go down that path, I would not tell him about the theft so they don't have a negative agenda prior to meeting.

 

Sorry but I think this could be a transference of your issues onto your daughter. I mean, why else would you make her name him on the letter? To me, that is a passive aggressive act.

 

Anyhow, what have you read up on with regard to stealing in youngsters?

 

Take care,

Eve x

[2sure]

Whether the issue stems from abandonment or not it still needs to be solved. Her dad is not in the picture and probably will never be to the degree that her some of friends dads are...so the only thing to change is her behavior.

 

This is one thing my daughter didnt do...but I know its common. I have no real advice except to say that if I were you I would look up what John Rosemond has to say on the subject. I like him, some dont. To me he offers practical advice on parenting that can be used immediately.

[bentnotbroken]

I haven't had experience with this, but I wish you and your daughter all the best. Have you two done family counseling. It helped us understand each other a little better.

[fascinated]

At first I thought "write to your dad" was an odd response/punishment, but now I understand that it's how she best communicates. Kudos to you for seeing that in her!

 

My take on it is that she thinks she would have more things and "deserves" them (even if she has to take them) if she had a father who financially supported the family. Love, money, and things are so interwoven as an indicator of love that it messes with our minds when we have less than others and jealousy takes control.

 

IMHO she needs a system where she can make money for her own use. Allowance that isn't based on behavior (ie cannot be taken away so that she can learn to budget), plus an opportunity to make additional money based on jobs or chores performed. It will increase her self esteem and her sense of accomplishment without adding to the sense of entitlement.

 

I will second the thought of family counseling. Not as punishment (don't make it a bad experience), but as a tool for communication so you can better show love and needs for each other.

[shanta07]

I think your daughter has just done it because of her age. I think there is nothing to be much worried.

[lisal]

My friend who picks up my daughter from school,with her own daughters as a favour told me that my 9 yr old had stolen some toys from her daughters.

I confronted my daughter and after initially denying it she admitted it and the toys were returned by daughter,with written apology.

I found out tonight that my daughter had still not returned some items and more worryingly that money had gone missing.

After denial she confessed to both.

I am appalled.

The money involved was a hefty sum and "disappeared" some months ago.

I really wish my friend had told me her suspicions then.

Daughter is grounded. No t.v. No treats and a special trip cancelled.

Written apology (hers) and everything returned directly by her.

I also intend to halve her toy collection and donate to needy children.

I can deal with the practical side of this.

When asked why though, she wasn't able to explain.

I asked her to "write to her Dad "(not seen for almost 2 yrs) and explain to him, and she wrote that she took the things because she is jealous of her friends because they have a dad.

She has always said she wants nothing to do with him but I am wondering if it might be better to try and get him to see her.

I could email him- I really don't know what to do for the best.

I know it will be difficult due to the very vitriolic dynamics of all the family relationships.

What the hell do I do?

 

I feek so bad for your daughter She is angry and is lashing out. Can you get her some therapy to deal with the jealousy issues perhaps?