JXT Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 I feel like I'm the only person in the world with this problem and it's killing me. I am a closeted bisexual 22 year old guy. Only my girlfriend and best guy friend knows about this. Both of them are straight. I met my future girlfriend about a year ago. She pursued me for 2 months, and one day when I had a stressful day, she invited herself over to try to make me feel better and massaged me. It felt good so I passed out, and she worked her way into my pants. She's a sweet and lovely person. She has a psychology degree also. I've always like her, and before that day I've flirted with her a lot. We both decided to be a relationship, and I told her that I am bisexual, and she was okay with it. We've been together ever since. My best friend (a straight guy) is 20 years old. We meet about 2 years ago in college, and We txt each other every day. Both of us do well academically and are on the Dean's List, so he's a smart person. We both have both common interests and hobbies, and we spent a lot of time together. We are about 35 miles away, and he would drive to my house at least once every week to chill, talk, drink, exercise, play video games, etc, and spend the night. At school, he'd would ask me to skip class with him to hang out. He also has a girlfriend, and they have passionate sex with each other often. We both work as models for a major clothing company and we both get hit on often, so I believe we are both physically fit and good looking. Needless to say, I've always find him an attractive person, but because he is straight, I respected that and never make any advances toward him but he knows that I find him attractive cuz I told him. One night when he drove to my house, we drank a lot of alcohol and smoked weed. He would give me shotguns (it's when he smokes it and then blows it into my mouth). As anyone who have ever tried cannabis knows, some of the common effects is that it make you hungry and horny. I've never make out with a guy before, but that night, both of us made out. We kissed, cuddle, and he wanted a blowjob so I gave him one, and then we had anal sex (I was on the receiving end). It felt very amazing for me, and after that night, we both bonded and got a lot closer to each other. He comes to my house every week and we would cuddle with each other ever since. A few months later, I informed him that I will be graduating from college, and I would moved far away with my girlfriend to pursue a Master's degree because of my scholarship. He's a sensitive person, so he broke down and cried and told me that he "will end [his] life" if I choose to bring my gf instead of him. THis happened at midnight as my place, so he spent the whole night crying, and I was in deep pain to see him getting hurt because of me. He left when the sun rise, and I've never seen him so sad before. I felt bad because he's always try to make me happy. I deeply love both my gf and my best friend, and it killed me inside for having to choose. I knew that I could never live with myself knowing that my best friend took his life and I had the power to stop it. So I took him with me instead of her. I lied to her by saying I wanted to go alone so I can concentrate on school without any distraction. So both he and I have lived together for 3 months now and we enjoy each other's company, but I honestly do not know what my straight guy friend wants from me. He told me recently that getting physically intimate with me is "disgusting," unless he's either drunk and/or high. My girlfriend calls me almost everyday telling me she misses me and wants to come visit me for the weekend, but I feel bad making up lies that I was busy with school or work. She would be shocked if she comes and there are two rooms in the apartment, because I told her I live by myself. So I normally come and visit her instead. I don't know what to do. I felt like I made some bad decisions. I lied to her because I couldn't risk my friend taking his life away, and I love both of them. The thought of losing any one of them will totally destroy me since I want both of them in my life. And the thought of seeing either of them getting hurt will pain me deeply. What should I do and how should I approach this problem?
vsmini Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 "I knew that I could never live with myself knowing that my best friend took his life and I had the power to stop it." This was emotional manipulation on his end, telling you he was going to commit suicide if you left him. If that ever was his true intentions then, as a friend, you should have advised him to seek therapy - not just said "ok, move with me." Not cool at all. But you know you made some bad decisions and that's ok - it's what your twenties are for. You need to know that you might lose both of these people and that in your life people will come and go and it's going to be painful. Your guy friend needs some form of therapy as he's very confused and sounds like a loose cannon. Be honest with your girlfriend because not being honest = not a true relationship. I think you need to be by yourself and give yourself a break from both of them. Everyone just sounds very confused.
stepka Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 I think you need to tell her what you told us and let the chips fall where they will. I'm not going to tell you that you made a mistake b/c it probably seemed the best thing to do at the time and you never really know how things will turn out anyway. The fact that your friend only can do you when he's drunk doesn't bode much future for the relationship and that friendship probably won't last, so suck that one up and realize that you may lose your gf too, as vsmini said, but if you keep evading her, you will for sure, so just level--she's probably already guessed part of it anyway since she knows you're bi.
RovingReporter Posted May 26, 2011 Posted May 26, 2011 You cheated on and lied to your girlfriend so I think you should end things with her. She deserves a lot better.
Eternal Sunshine Posted May 26, 2011 Posted May 26, 2011 Who are you in love with more? Your friend or your girlfriend?
welikeincrowds Posted May 26, 2011 Posted May 26, 2011 Sadly, this is the kind of sensational story that inspires some fear becoming involved with bisexual people -- to such a degree that I almost have trouble believing that it is true. What makes me most uncomfortable is the vague tone that you are not fully responsible for entering both these relationships (she came on to me, we kissed because were high, he made me lie to her). I cannot say I feel compassion for you. You've engineered this situation because you were too cowardly to enforce ethical boundaries. Now it is time for you to face the consequences.
Eternal Sunshine Posted May 26, 2011 Posted May 26, 2011 Yep, that's exactly why I would never date a bisexual guy. I had a chance to and I was crazy attracted to him - but I just knew I couldn't handle this sort of situation down the line.
welikeincrowds Posted May 26, 2011 Posted May 26, 2011 Yep, that's exactly why I would never date a bisexual guy. I had a chance to and I was crazy attracted to him - but I just knew I couldn't handle this sort of situation down the line. This has nothing to do with him being bisexual. That's a sensational detail that distracts from the real issue. Replace "male best friend" with "female best friend" and the story is the same. He says his situation is "uniquely terrible" but it is not even close to unique. He is just one of a long tradition of selfish people who cheat on their SOs and then scramble to find ways to argue that their situation is exceptional, so that their bad behavior can be exempted.
Eternal Sunshine Posted May 26, 2011 Posted May 26, 2011 I do think this sort of thing is more common with bisexual people than straight ones. I am not trying to generalize, but that's been my experience.
Timmeh Posted May 26, 2011 Posted May 26, 2011 This story is not unique, it's common. You cheated and that is all there is too it. Cheating is cheating no matter which way you look at it.
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