I'm worried about my husband

[Sooner or Later]

I think you still long for your OM...a lot...and you are not being real with yourself nor your husband.

 

Take stock of how many times you think of your affair partner a day?

 

I think it is more than you would want to admit here and to your husband.

 

It does not appear, to me, that you are over him--by far.

 

Get real with yourself and your husband.

[drifter777]

 

I have heard that it's much harder for a man to forgive infidelity than it is for a woman. I don't know if that's true, but I can tell you that as a woman, it's d*mn hard.

 

I've heard that too, but I've recently read there is no data to support it. There is data to support that men are less likely to seek help (IC, family, friends, etc) in the wake of d-day, but it's not "harder" or "easier" for either sex.

[John Michael Kane]

I'm not going to beat around the bush here, as everyone knows. Point blank, ya hurt the man and your family and gave him something he'll involuntarily, subconsciously remember for the rest of his natural life. I can see in your posts you're "gently pouting" why the man isn't over it yet and that's pretty selfish and cold for you to even ask this type of question, no matter how many flowers you put around the problem. It's only been four months and even if two years passed by the problems are still there and still considerably fresh. I honestly hope that you are not expressing your impatience in the presence of your husband. If you lose him, it obviously won't be his fault and he'll be well within his rights morally and legally to initiate the divorce process. This is just something you'll have to deal with if you really care about him (even though I don't see it:o) but if you keep this up you'll lose him even faster than you'd imagine.

[John Michael Kane]

I think you still long for your OM...a lot...and you are not being real with yourself nor your husband.

 

Take stock of how many times you think of your affair partner a day?

 

I think it is more than you would want to admit here and to your husband.

 

It does not appear, to me, that you are over him--by far.

 

Get real with yourself and your husband.

 

Yea I agree she needs to stop being selfish.

[JaneyAmazed]

he does need to find a way to deal with his pain, for his own well being if nothing else.

 

but if the marriage is killed, as you say, it isn't because of his reaction to the betrayal, but the betrayal itself.

 

dont put this on him.

 

I'm not putting on him. What I'm saying is I will fight to the end. If the marriage ends, it's because he chooses not to stay because of what I did to him. It won't be because I choose to leave. That was my point. And he has every right to leave the marriage because of my betrayal.

[JaneyAmazed]

And unfortunately, if the OM is a typical serial cheater + small town cop/big fish in a small pond, your h may well be concerned that OM is gleefully spreading the news of his latest conquest all around town, throughout your church, and like that. You are now just another notch in Don Knotts' belt.

 

 

I knew the kind of man he was. What's done is done. I have no control over what he's told other people, and that's the least of my worries now. I could care less what other people think. I'm doing what's right now. I'm not defined by my past.

[JaneyAmazed]

I'm not sure if they've started having sex again yet--it doesn't sound like it--but if they do, the betrayed husband is always going to be stuck wondering if she's thinking of the OM riding her when her eyes are closed.

 

Actually, we have more sex than ever. We never stopped. A week after I confessed, he wanted to have sex. It's been regular since then - like twice a week usually.

[JaneyAmazed]

I think you still long for your OM...a lot...and you are not being real with yourself nor your husband.

 

Take stock of how many times you think of your affair partner a day?

 

I think it is more than you would want to admit here and to your husband.

 

It does not appear, to me, that you are over him--by far.

 

Get real with yourself and your husband.

 

You are totally clueless.

[JaneyAmazed]

I'm not going to beat around the bush here, as everyone knows. Point blank, ya hurt the man and your family and gave him something he'll involuntarily, subconsciously remember for the rest of his natural life. I can see in your posts you're "gently pouting" why the man isn't over it yet and that's pretty selfish and cold for you to even ask this type of question, no matter how many flowers you put around the problem. It's only been four months and even if two years passed by the problems are still there and still considerably fresh. I honestly hope that you are not expressing your impatience in the presence of your husband. If you lose him, it obviously won't be his fault and he'll be well within his rights morally and legally to initiate the divorce process. This is just something you'll have to deal with if you really care about him (even though I don't see it:o) but if you keep this up you'll lose him even faster than you'd imagine.

 

You can see NOTHING. I'm not pouting. I'm hurting. I didn't ask why he isn't over yet. I asked how I could help him because he is hurting and I don't know what I should be doing to help him. Are you kidding me? I don't expect him to be over this for a long time. You don't have a clue what you're talking about. You totally missed the mark on this one...and many others. If I were selfish, I wouldn't even care what he's going through. All I think about is how bad he hurts. You wouldn't understand. You're not in my shoes.

[Woggle]

I believe you are sincere but that trust has been shattered and will not be back anytime soon. Cheating is like dropping an atom bomb on a relationship and rebuilding it will be a very hard task.

[JaneyAmazed]

Janey, you may lose your husband. What you did may in the end be too much for him to handle. But, that said - four months is nothing. If you were four years out and he was still experiencing these problems it wouldn't be surprising, but four months? It would be surprising if he wasn't going through this.

I got concerned when you said you "don't feel forgiven". Well, dear, he may have said he's forgiven you, but between saying you forgive and actually forgiving is a chasm a mile wide and 2 miles deep. It takes a long time to really forgive, and sometimes, much as you want to just forget and let things go, you simply cannot. You feel like if you do you'll go stone crazy. Your imagination is in charge - and it's full of razors and knives.

 

My husband told me that he expected me to leave him, that I wouldn't be able to get past his infidelity. I told him that I would be able to get by it IF he would be able to stick with me through whatever I had to do to get by it. He stuck with me through my own private hell, and it changed both of us.

 

You can't fix him on your timetable, in fact you can't fix him at all. He has to fix himself and heal himself. All you can do is be there. Be consistent. Take care of doing whatever you need to do to fix what was wrong inside of you that let you cheat. Show him that it will never happen again. Ever. Under any circumstances. Even that may not be enough. My husband told me repeatedly that he would be there for me even if it killed him - and I think it almost did - it almost killed me, too.

 

I have heard that it's much harder for a man to forgive infidelity than it is for a woman. I don't know if that's true, but I can tell you that as a woman, it's d*mn hard.

 

I wish you all the luck in the world and hope the two of you can work things out.

 

((((hugs))))

 

Silk

 

 

Thank you so much. I know this is a long process. I am paying for what I did, and I deserve it. My husband is paying for it, and he doesn't deserve it. It's hard to live knowing what I've done to him. He's my everything. I realize that now more than ever. Tonight we talked a long time. He said he was sorry for lashing out at me. He said he doesn't want to leave me. He said he will deal with it the best way he can. He has agreed, willingly to go to MC with me. It will take a while, and we will have these ups and downs, but he said he believes in me... in us. I'm going to stop trying to "fix" everything and just let him do what he needs to do. I still don't know the final outcome, but I do know that we love each other deeply. I will spend the rest of my life (if he'll have me) making him feel as special as he is to me. I know it won't erase the past. I know he will still think of what I did. We will both carry scars. I will not give up on him. If he decides one day it's just not going to work, I will be heartbroken but I will understand.

[JaneyAmazed]

I believe you are sincere but that trust has been shattered and will not be back anytime soon. Cheating is like dropping an atom bomb on a relationship and rebuilding it will be a very hard task.

 

I realize this more than ever. I knew it would be a process, but the reason I started this thread is because I felt like my husband was going to leave me and I felt a sense of urgency to know what to do. I'm definitely not impatient with him at all.

[JaneyAmazed]

Well said.

 

It's way too early in the process to even think that he should be trying to move forward. Janey, I'm not saying that is what you're doing. If anything, it sounded like (from your posts) that this is what your H himself was doing. Just him trying to move forward as best he could and now it has caught up with him.

 

It won't be his inability to vanquish his anger or him keeping everything bottled up that will end your marriage-if that is what it comes to.

 

It will be the betrayal that might end up being too much.

 

It's two separate things.

 

I don't think I was clear before, but what you are saying is what I meant - that if he leaves it's because the betrayal will be too much. What I meant was if he can't deal with his emotions and keeps them bottled up there is a greater chance he won't be able to heal. Maybe I'm wrong about that.

[John Michael Kane]

You can see NOTHING. I'm not pouting. I'm hurting. I didn't ask why he isn't over yet. I asked how I could help him because he is hurting and I don't know what I should be doing to help him. Are you kidding me? I don't expect him to be over this for a long time. You don't have a clue what you're talking about. You totally missed the mark on this one...and many others. If I were selfish, I wouldn't even care what he's going through. All I think about is how bad he hurts. You wouldn't understand. You're not in my shoes.

 

Yea yea I heard it all before. "You know nothing about me or my situation". Hey if you want to continue to dismiss valuable advice be my guest, but if we didn't know a thing about your situation we wouldn't be here right now.

[JaneyAmazed]

Yea yea I heard it all before. "You know nothing about me or my situation". Hey if you want to continue to dismiss valuable advice be my guest, but if we didn't know a thing about your situation we wouldn't be here right now.

 

 

See, what you don't get is your advice hasn't been valuable to me. I know who is giving valuable advice and who is just making more assumptions and ridiculous judgments. You've already proved in your posts that you know nothing about me. You think I'm selfish and impatient (and many other things that I'm not). I'm none of those, so your advice can't help me. That's just the truth.

[seren]

Hi Janey

 

Until someone has been on the BS side of the A, they simply cannot have any idea of how they will feel, deal with it or what they will do. I thought I would react in a particular way if H had an A, when it came down to it, no one was more suprised than I at my reaction or at my decision to stay and work with H to try and build on what we had and have a chance for a future relationship.

 

I can only say how it went down for us, I know H was lost as to what he needed to do to make it allright after his A, not the remorse, NC, truth thing, but the dealing with seeing how it had affected me. Thing is, there was nothing else he could have done, other than to try to understand that the A was not a topic that could be safetly tucked away as dealt with after D day. For a BS D Day is not so much as being about the end of an A, it is the beginning of hell, the realisation that all that you thought your life and marriage had been about was a lie, and it makes you as mad as hell, as hurt as hell and with no reference about what to do next.

 

It may be trite to say it takes time, but it does. Having questions answered honestly with no covering up, reassuring, not fearing the meltdowns, acknowledging that it was so not the right way to deal with any problems in the marriage pre A, owning your part, not having a meltdown turn into how you are feeling guilty, I never wanted guilt, I wanted ownership. I am sure others who have been through it can add to this.

 

As for the reference to child molestation and infidelity being akin. I get the breaking of trust, the manipulation, the hidden secrets being shared occurences. as someone who has experienced both, I can say that the A caused all the trust issues to resurface, so yes, I can see what the inference is in this.

 

Hang in there Janey, we are 3 and a half years on from D day and no, I have no images of H and OW, but I did in the early days, it was one mountain to climb, 4 months is so, so early days, if your H decides he cannot do it, make it so it is because you have both tried your dammnest to make it work. If it is not be then I am sure it will not be because you both haven't tried.

[JaneyAmazed]

You are clearly still "not getting it" and still thinking in a self-centered manner.

 

The point is that your husband probably cares whether or not other people in your small town are saying about you.

 

Obviously you "could care less what other people think"!

 

If you cared about what other people thought you wouldn't have cheated.

 

"I'm not defined by my past."

 

Um yeah honey....you sure are.

 

And you are wrong once again. It's pointless for you to waste your time responding to me. I know your agenda.

[TMCM]

Garrgoil and "i did it for johnny" John Michael Kane,

 

Hey guys, how about lending a hand with this other guy who refuses to 'man up' and confess his multiple ONS before and after his marriage, to his wife whom he recently discovered had 3 month affair Wife had an affair...but I cheated too .

Edited May 26, 2011 by TMCM
eta

[JaneyAmazed]

You are clearly still "not getting it" and still thinking in a self-centered manner.

 

The point is that your husband probably cares whether or not other people in your small town are saying about you.

 

Obviously you "could care less what other people think"!

 

If you cared about what other people thought you wouldn't have cheated.

 

"I'm not defined by my past."

 

Um yeah honey....you sure are.

 

 

Your posts only prove you don't what you're talking about. I wanted to move, but my husband didn't. He owns a business here and said he did not want to move. And no, I am not defined by my past.

[JaneyAmazed]

Thank yall so much for the advice on this...those of you who actually gave good advice! I know what to do now. I'm not going to worry so much but I'm going to follow my H's lead. I'm going to help him when I can and back off when he wants me to. I'm going to do everything that I feel in my heart is right. I'm going to lean on God. He knows my heart and my motives. I am being a good wife now and a good mom, and that gives me a calm in the middle of the storm.

[Snowflower]

Your posts only prove you don't what you're talking about. I wanted to move, but my husband didn't. He owns a business here and said he did not want to move. And no, I am not defined by my past.

 

Janey, please quit trying to defend yourself. Nothing you say will make a difference to some of these posters here.

 

Breathe, relax.

 

They bring up some good points and some things to consider...so ponder the stuff that might be relevant and don't waste your energy responding.

 

Save your energy so that you can help your husband. I think it might be very exhausting even though you know you need to do this. My H said many times that he felt like he was in the fight for his life when he worked so hard to reconcile with me.

 

Take what you need from here and leave the rest.

[JaneyAmazed]

Garrgoil and "i did it for johnny" John Michael Kane,

 

Hey guys, how about lending a hand with this other guy who refuses to 'man up' and confess his multiple ONS before and after his marriage, to his wife whom he recently discovered had 3 month affair Wife had an affair...but I cheated too .

 

 

You are entertaining yourself, so I guess that's worth something.

[JaneyAmazed]

Your husband has told you that he does not care about your reputation in the community? That's interesting, but the point you missed is that you didn't perceive my prior question as addressing his feelings, rather than yours.

 

I also thought you previously posted that you and your husband had decided to not disclose the affair to anyone except a very close circle of people. If neither of you cares, then there should be no impetus to keep knowledge of it so confined.

 

In fact, the OM sounds like a serial cheater/predator, and with his important position as a police officer in your community, it might be helpful to others if you made them aware of what OM was capable of with, with you.

 

 

 

 

 

I disagree.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I disagree.

 

 

Well, we can agree to disagree. You are making assumptions, and wasting your time. I will do this one more time. My H told me he didn't care what other people think but it doesn't mean he wants to broadcast it to the world. I only go by what he tells me. Please tell me you have more sense than you appear to have. Actually don't. I've wasted enough time spitting in the wind.

[JaneyAmazed]

On the contrary I think I do know what I am talking about.

 

 

 

 

So my suggestion that you move out of town, which I made without knowing that you had actually already discussed it with your h, proves that I do know what I'm talking about.

 

 

No, you assumed that I wouldn't think my husband would want to move.

 

Then what is the point about talking about the affair at all--which is in your past?

 

 

Because I have to deal with the past in order to move on, but what I did doesn't define me as a person. This is my last post in response to you as well. You are too predictable.

[JaneyAmazed]

Hi Janey

 

Until someone has been on the BS side of the A, they simply cannot have any idea of how they will feel, deal with it or what they will do. I thought I would react in a particular way if H had an A, when it came down to it, no one was more suprised than I at my reaction or at my decision to stay and work with H to try and build on what we had and have a chance for a future relationship.

 

I can only say how it went down for us, I know H was lost as to what he needed to do to make it allright after his A, not the remorse, NC, truth thing, but the dealing with seeing how it had affected me. Thing is, there was nothing else he could have done, other than to try to understand that the A was not a topic that could be safetly tucked away as dealt with after D day. For a BS D Day is not so much as being about the end of an A, it is the beginning of hell, the realisation that all that you thought your life and marriage had been about was a lie, and it makes you as mad as hell, as hurt as hell and with no reference about what to do next.

 

It may be trite to say it takes time, but it does. Having questions answered honestly with no covering up, reassuring, not fearing the meltdowns, acknowledging that it was so not the right way to deal with any problems in the marriage pre A, owning your part, not having a meltdown turn into how you are feeling guilty, I never wanted guilt, I wanted ownership. I am sure others who have been through it can add to this.

 

As for the reference to child molestation and infidelity being akin. I get the breaking of trust, the manipulation, the hidden secrets being shared occurences. as someone who has experienced both, I can say that the A caused all the trust issues to resurface, so yes, I can see what the inference is in this.

 

Hang in there Janey, we are 3 and a half years on from D day and no, I have no images of H and OW, but I did in the early days, it was one mountain to climb, 4 months is so, so early days, if your H decides he cannot do it, make it so it is because you have both tried your dammnest to make it work. If it is not be then I am sure it will not be because you both haven't tried.

 

 

You give me such hope! The fact that you have no images of H and OW is comforting. Thank you for taking the time to help me. I have to learn it's part of the process. I also take ownership. I tell my H over and over again because I really mean it that there was no excuse for me to do what I did. I know that what I did was the ultimate betrayal. I have learned some valuable lessons from you and others here.

Edited May 26, 2011 by JaneyAmazed