I'm worried about my husband

June 2, 2011

Yes but why does that channel itself to be expressed in a sexual way, with another person?

There's lots of behaviors that one could adopt in response to hostility and a feeling of entitlement, that don't involve having sex outside the marriage.

It seems like for a vast majority of the people who have cheated and post at love shack, that I have read, cheating is something they wanted to do for OTHER reasons, THEIR reasons, and the kinds of things you are talking about wind up as their justifications after they are caught.

I understand your concern. I didn't plan a way to "get back" at my H for all the things I resented. It just became easier not to resent him or be upset with him when xOM was giving me attention. I don't really know how to explain it. I'm sure that makes no sense. I'm trying to think back to my state of mine back then. I gave in to xOM. In hindsight, I see how weak and foolish I was. I really wanted attention. I'm not sure why I needed it THAT much. Even before things got physical, when xOM and I were just friends, I allowed myself to let the boundaries down that I normally wouldn't have. I opened my heart and let xOM become the person I confided in, and not my H. At the time, I used the excuse that my H was working all the time and when he got home he was so exhausted, he didn't have time to talk to me about my problems (yes, I know that was a stupid excuse back then). I take full responsibility for what I did. I wanted to stop hurting and wanted to be wanted, and I knew I would regret it, but I just let my emotions get the best of me. During the affair, I gave all my attention, time, and love to xOM... so to answer Dale Gribble (btw I love King of the Hill), I do think it's possible to love two people at the same time, but it's not right. I do think that if I had loved my H the way I did several years ago, I would have never let my boundaries down. So maybe the love for my H changed and made it easier to fall for another man. Still, it was dumb thing to do. I kick myself now wondering why I just didn't beg my H for help or counseling or something. He was worth it, but I didn't treat him like he was worth it. I see now how wrong I was...so,so wrong. Owl is right about the affair being a wake up call for both of us. My H wants to fight for our marriage so I think what he's trying to change some of the things that caused us to become so distant the last couple of years. Even if I had never had the affair, we'd have to address those issues eventually or our marriage was heading down a bad road. I want to say this though... I am the one who has to make the most changes. It's very hard to see who I became. It's very hard to let go of old habits... in the way I handled hurt and pain...lonliness and resentment. I am changing these habits and I see I am becoming the kind of person I've always wanted to be. I am toughing things out rather than giving into self-pity and "entitlement" that doesn't exist. I want to be the wife my husband deserves. I wasn't even that wife before the affair. A lot of things have changed for the better. It has not been easy and it will be a long time before things seem "normal." I will be patient and give all my love 100% to my husband like I should have all along. I was so stupid not cherishing him like I should have.

June 2, 2011

I do think it's possible to love two people at the same time,

I want you to really think about this.

You can love two people yes, but not with the same kind of love.

Who was your love unconditional for and which one was it not?

The xOM merely was a "replacement" for what you wanted from your BH, but gave yourself the excuse that your BH was not available.

If you think about it..how could you love a man who knows you are married and still wants to come between that.

Your quest for validation and attention made you look blindly at that aspect. You loved the feeling xOM gave you..not him.

You allowed the friendship to go beyond that because of your failure to communicate this to you BH.

Had you said.."I think I am going to have an affair because you are not available to me" I think not only would your BH would have to pick his jaw up from the floor, but he would also inquire seriously why?

You really cannot love them both the same. How did you feel when you were with your BH and how did you feel with xOM?

I am sure you started to be a little stand offish with your BH, knowing that you were being unfaithful. He was not getting your love and it was only feigned during your affair. He was not getting all of you and neither was xOM.

I say feigned because true love is true to who it is given. You were not being true to him or even yourself.

You were fulfilling a "need" outside the marriage..where is the love in that?

I know that you "love" him deep in your soul. That you can't imagine life without him..Is this the same love you have for xOM? I don't think so and if you do..you would really be a tortured soul to desire two men that way.

Limerance is what you found with xOM. But you Love your husband.

June 2, 2011

Exactly, that's what the other poster is missing--hostility etc. isn't really what causes someone to have an affair. It doesn't make sense to me since "getting back" at one's spouse requires the other spouse knows about what you are doing--but in most cases the unfaithful spouse doesn't want the betrayed spouse to find out about it.

Well, it is the opinions of many posters in this forum that A hurts because of the betrayal and secrecy, NOT *only* because of the actions.

In that context, to exact MAXIMUM revenge (i.e. to hurt his/her partner the most), you have to create the conditions to betray.

Thus, one *should* keep it a secret, and only accumulate enough "ammunition" (i.e. secret actions that will hurt when revealed) before revealing to the unsuspected party.

That is why the WS should hide FIRST. No one says they should not reveal later. Plus, it hurts MORE when it is found out by the BS, as opposed to be disclosed by the WS voluntarily.

If you take this view (which seems to be the case for most posters here), then the WS should hide it, but in a sloppy fashion so ultimately it would be discovered.

It makes PERFECT sense to me.

June 2, 2011

I want you to really think about this.
You can love two people yes, but not with the same kind of love.
Who was your love unconditional for and which one was it not?

The xOM merely was a "replacement" for what you wanted from your BH, but gave yourself the excuse that your BH was not available.

If you think about it..how could you love a man who knows you are married and still wants to come between that.

Your quest for validation and attention made you look blindly at that aspect. You loved the feeling xOM gave you..not him.
You allowed the friendship to go beyond that because of your failure to communicate this to you BH.
Had you said.."I think I am going to have an affair because you are not available to me" I think not only would your BH would have to pick his jaw up from the floor, but he would also inquire seriously why?

You really cannot love them both the same. How did you feel when you were with your BH and how did you feel with xOM?

I am sure you started to be a little stand offish with your BH, knowing that you were being unfaithful. He was not getting your love and it was only feigned during your affair. He was not getting all of you and neither was xOM.
I say feigned because true love is true to who it is given. You were not being true to him or even yourself.
You were fulfilling a "need" outside the marriage..where is the love in that?

I know that you "love" him deep in your soul. That you can't imagine life without him..Is this the same love you have for xOM? I don't think so and if you do..you would really be a tortured soul to desire two men that way.

Limerance is what you found with xOM. But you Love your husband.

You are so right. What perfect insight you have! I meant to address this in my post. I don't think I really loved xOM. I thought I did at the time. I was writing thinking back to my emotions then. The truth is there were a lot of things about him I didn't love. When I was faced with losing my H, it became very real who I really loved. I think I loved the idea of xOm and the excitement of it all. He was a replacement. You're right, I can't imagine life without my H but obviously I have lived without xOM for a while now. He is someone that was a mistake in my life. My soul is not tortured because I can't be with him. If it were, I would not string my H along. I know who I really love.

June 2, 2011

Exactly, that's what the other poster is missing--hostility etc. isn't really what causes someone to have an affair. It doesn't make sense to me since "getting back" at one's spouse requires the other spouse knows about what you are doing--but in most cases the unfaithful spouse doesn't want the betrayed spouse to find out about it.

But you didn't believe this at the time of your affair. You said that you fell in love with your OM. That's a different "motivation" then just taking your mind off your marital problems. Something else is causing the falling in love with an OM that is unrelated to what is happening in your marriage. Finding out what that something else is, is the challenge.

No it makes perfect sense, this is the nub of what I am getting it. You need to figure out THIS part of things. There is a way to explain it but you don't know what it is. It is something inside of you. If it was external to you you would be able to observe and explain it.

I think the whole thought process, or use of words, in which you frame things as "giving in" to someone else is not good, it takes the control for your actions out of your hands. If you gave in to someone, it was to yourself, or to your impulses. It's like a fat person blaming a Twinkie for being so scrumptious. The Twinkie, like the OM, is just the object of your attention, what you have happened to focus on, but is not the cause of the focus.

This is assuming you believe yourself to have control over your actions.

You had an emotional need which was internal and needed expression. The OM happened to be available on the scene at the right time and your internal need manifested itself as a focus on the OM. But the emotional need pre-existed the OM and was probably brewing for quite some time before you were ready to act upon it.

This is an emotional need that you had that pre-existed the OM, but you need to figure out WHY you wanted this KIND of attention.

And this is what you really need to dig into and explore. But as you can see, figuring this out has really nothing at all to do with your OM, this level of need pre-existed the OM. OM was simply someone who happened to be available when you chose to express your need by "acting out" through having an affair.

Right. My point, above. You didn't "give in" to the OM; you "gave in" to yourself.

I think you are still romanticizing the emotional part of your relationship with the OM which is why you deem the end of the affair a "loss." The frank reality which you need to acknowledge--at some point--is that from the OM's perspective, you were ONLY a way for him to get sexual gratification. ANY seemingly emotional understanding he had for you, was simply a ruse to play into your affair fantasy so he could get sex from you.

When you say you "confided" you really didn't. Because the OM was not really your "confidant", i.e. a trusted person you could rely on with your deepest troubles. He was someone who pretended to be someone you could confide in. A true "confidant," someone actually concerned about you, would NEVER have become engaged in an emotional and sexual affair with you that would risk your marriage. He would have CARED TOO MUCH about YOU to do so. He would have wanted to do only what was best for YOU--which could not possibly include cheating with you.

And, it's his behavior that tells you all you need to know about the OM. Did he EVER do ANYTHING for you, that was purely FOR YOU--and not FOR HIM? No. Everything he did was in furtherance of the affair. If he was truly concerned about YOU, he would have never had an affair with you in the first place. He would have advised you to get marital counseling with your husband and perhaps individual therapy for yourself. THAT is what a truly "caring" "confidant" would have done.

Your OM had all the concern for you and emotional authenticity as a department store mannikin. That's one of the things that you are going to have to acknowledge to recover fully from your affair. You really need to stop romanticizing the affair, the OM, or the feelings you had during the affair, in any way. You'll know you've managed to do that when thoughts of your affair or the OM fill you not with "loss" or a sense of longing, but disgust. As they should.

These are all legitimate complaints on your part but have nothing to do with why you had an affair.

Right. So you didn't "give in" to the OM, right?

If you knew you would regret it then you knew what you were doing was wrong. So at that point you made a conscious decision to do wrong. That's another part of this process that you're just going to have to acknowledge and accept. You deliberately did wrong. You didn't let your emotions get the best of you. Anymore than you "gave in" to the OM. You made a choice.

It sounds like you are justifying what you did by redefining "love." What you gave the OM wasn't love in any meaningful sense of the word. OM didn't love you, clearly, by his actions of having an affair with you. What you shared with OM was a "simulation" of love as expressed by some external courting and sexual behaviors which, in appropriate circumstances--i.e. within the bounds of your marital relationship--would be indicative of real love.

Real love, if you had actually felt it between yourself and the OM, would have expressed itself by sacrificing your own desires and staying far away from him. Real love on his part would involve NOT making a cheater out of you, and on your part, by NOT making an affair partner/cheater (if he's married) out of him.

So another thing you need to figure out is why your definition of "love" includes illicit relationships and why you equate an illicit relationship with your marriage. Again the answer to this is totally within yourself and probably has nothing to do with your marriage or your affair. It pre-existed both.

According to you true love includes an affair, so this statement doesn't really hold. If letting down your boundaries negates love, then you can't possibly have had a love relationship with your OM, yet you stated that you believed you did.

It has nothing to do with your husband. It has to do with you.

No, not if your original intention was that this was supposed to be an exit affair--a way out of an unhappy marriage. Many women have what appear to be exit affairs and then in the process of having it realize that while they are unhappy in their marriage they don't want to give up the material comforts of the marriage.

You have to be honest with yourself as to why you married your husband in the first place--significantly older than you, financially successful, previously divorced. Plenty of women decide to "settle" for a man who doesn't really excite them all that much but can provide security. After a while that's not enough.

Probably because you didn't perceive the issues as being internal ones, you projected them out onto your husband and the marriage. You can't ask for therapy or counseling if you don't realize that you need it.

Right all this stuff pre-dated your affair. Sounds like you may have been someone who just decided it was time to get married and so you picked someone who was hard working, stable, reliable, but not romantically exciting to you. You've got the stability, finances, and so on and so after being married for a while you decided that somehow you were ripped off because you didn't get the "excitement" part of the package. This is very common.

Maybe you can re-work your marriage or a new one but you have to be brutally honest with yourself and admit that you probably never really "loved" your husband--in the sense of the deep, romantic, "fantasy" type love you falsely think you experienced during your affair--in the first place.

I have to disagree with this. My H and I had a very romantic and passionate relationship for years. I was more in love with him than I ever was with xOM. We racked up $400 a month on phone bills and spent most every night together while we were dating. I lived and breathed for my H up until a couple of years ago really. Things started falling apart...both of our faults. We lost sight of our priorities. That happens sometimes. I just didn't deal with it the right way. I see that you want me to "admit" things that aren't true. By the the way, me "giving in" in xOM is taking responsibility for my actions. I didn't say "he made me do it." Anyway, we will have to agree to disagree about most of what you've said. You seem to be analyzing a totally different situation. I have been honest with myself about all the things you mentioned, but you have come up with your own ideas. "Sounds like I may have just picked someone to get married to that was stable but not romantically exciting?" Are you kidding me? My H is the most romantic man I've ever known. xOM wasn't romantic at all. My H gave me flowers and took me nice restaurants. He even paid for me to get my nails done on our first date. He hired a limo to pick me up on my birthday. He was very romantic. Please, don't come up with scenarios about my life when you know very little of the truth. I appreciate your time and concern, but I'm seeing that you don't really get what I'm saying.

Edited June 2, 2011 by JaneyAmazed

June 3, 2011

You described all the material stuff your H paid for when dating as the lure, absolutely nothing about how he made you "feel"; that's what I'm talking about. What you remember and emphasize is what your h spent on you as being "romantic." How does paying for stuff for you = "romantic"?

OM didn't do any of this for you but it didn't make a difference anyway. Wonderful. Nice guy finishes last to bad boy yet again.

But, I apologize for using the euphemism "romantically exciting," I should have been more to the point and said "sexually exciting." Would you have even looked at your h twice if he hadn't paid for all that stuff for you, way back when? No money = no "romance."

To elaborate, when your husband was courting you, he provided displays demonstrating his ability to provide you with financial security if you pair-bonded with him. This enticed you, as it does many women looking to get married. It's practical.

Once married and having that security provided for, you didn't need for the OM to provide you with any displays of wealth or what you refer to as "romantic" gestures, because you already had that from your husband.

Story keeps getting better and better. Sounds like some gold digging going on here.

June 3, 2011

It actually sounds like Janey's husband might be monitoring her internet postings, or she might believe he may be doing that. She's trying to say all the right things as best she can, but it's hard to do that authentically and consistently if it's just a big act. There are just too many inconsistencies. I'll bet if you looked back through her prior posts all sorts of strange inconsistencies would pop up.

The one about her NOT loving her OM is pretty interesting since that was way back in January. Why would she say that back then, yet in the current discussion, attempt to justify her affair by characterizing her feelings for the OM as being "love"--"you can love two people at the same time but it's not right"; "I didn't love the OM as much as my husband."

She's probably going to get upset that I pointed out that every single one of the examples she gave of "romance" involved her husband spending money on her. She also doesn't explain what the lure of the OM was since he wasn't at all "romantic" according to her definition of the word. She admitted back in January that she didn't love the OM.

Now the story's probably going to change again and she'll angrily explain all the non-financial romantic things her h supposedly did for her when they were courting, and how sexually compatible they were, and how I don't understand. But that would just be a reaction to the observation that her first emphasis was on the financial side of things.

I tried to be really nice and analytical with my POV and she just got angry because I'm not patting her on the back and telling her what a great job she's doing. Oh well there are others who will do that.

Basically I think she's reached a dead end and is spinning her wheels with this stuff. If you look at her recent post she talks about how the problems in the marriage were two-sided and the other typical stuff that cheaters say when they want to rationalize what they did.

It will never penetrate because there are too many "cheater cheerleaders" posting at Love Shack. They have the right to post here but they aren't really very helpful to people who want to try to save their marriages.

Agreed especially about the reference to the so called "betrayed" who blindly support the same caliber of people who hurt them in the first place. Seems like a dead end all around.

June 4, 2011

Janey- I haven't read all of your threads on what happened in your marriage as it looks like Kriss has- I have posted here for ages but I haven't been here in a while. Some of the things that Kriss is saying (he or she) makes sense in a way. You're just not to that point in the recovery process. How long has it been since your affair????

Kriss- to be fair-it could be that her post differ a bit because when you're coming out of the affair-especially right after-you're a bit jumbled up. Obviously she's confused and as she has worked on herself a bit more perhaps the way she has felt has changed? I'm uncertain because I haven't read all of her posts but I can tell you that how you feel changes minute to minute sometimes.

Although I have cheated-in my first marriage- I am not a cheater cheerleader. I have posted here mainly to try and help others in the situation-especially BH's. I do believe there is a difference however in a serial cheater and someone who makes that choice once and reforms themselves-taking responsibility for their actions. I think it took me a good two years though to really get to that point-because I was so full of justification for what I did.

June 4, 2011

At the end of the day, the only thing Janey can do is wait and see.

She may get a happy ending or she may not.

It's a shame that I lost my crystal ball at age 8. Things would be a lot easier for me.

June 7, 2011

Janey, I usually don’t post on other’S threads but I read a lot here and specially your threads(i identify myselft with you a lot). It seems like a lot of us here like to read and other reply to anything you write since almost any thread you start seems to get a lot replies. Some are very supportive and other not so much but those that don’t, i analyze those replies that come across as been negative or not supportive because it has help me a lot. Kriss, makes very good points, and it no way I mean to offend you at all but you bolded this of his reply:Maybe you can re-work your marriage or a new one but you have to be brutally honest with yourself and admit that you probably never really "loved" your husband--in the sense of the deep, romantic, "fantasy" type love you falsely think you experienced during your affair--in the first place.

Been a ws myself and been thru. nine months of ups and downs has really open my way of thinking and to be open to any possibility even if it sound harsh or completely out of our ability(I am sure you did not consider yourself capable of cheating). It is extremely sad and hurtful to me and I am sure it is for you too to admit that we disrespected our husbands in such a way that is out of been comprehend b’se only another bs can relate to it. I was betray girlfriend, I was about to marry that man and when I found out about the A. I left him. Afterwards, I was thankful that happen since if it was not for that A. I would off never married my current H. He is very loving and I know in my heart that his love is true and as you said too ( I kick myself for having hurt him so bad) but going back to the bolded part, it is something to think about. if we love our H as much as we write, as much as we profess then we would off never had the A. period.

June 7, 2011

I was betray girlfriend, I was about to marry that man and when I found out about the A. I left him. Afterwards, I was thankful that happen since if it was not for that A. I would off never married my current H. He is very loving and I know in my heart that his love is true and as you said too

if it was love that is true, you wouldn't have slept with another man.

if we love our H as much as we write, as much as we profess then we would off never had the A. period.

exactly. therefore you don't love your husband. so why don't you set him free from you so he can find someone that won't sleep with another man?

June 7, 2011

[/i]

if it was love that is true, you wouldn't have slept with another man.

exactly. therefore you don't love your husband. so why don't you set him free from you so he can find someone that won't sleep with another man?

i am not good at writing you probably already notice that from my post. I am deeply hurting(I cant imagine the pain that my H is going thru and the decision making he is having to go thru.). But what can I do, if I let him go, it will continue to be selfish and hurtful been that He has told me many times that he does not want to loose me. He wants us to work on us and stick together until we both feel there is no other way. Right now both of us have the hope that with time things will become more better and with the work we are doing.

June 7, 2011

i am not good at writing you probably already notice that from my post. I am deeply hurting(I cant imagine the pain that my H is going thru and the decision making he is having to go thru.). But what can I do, if I let him go, it will continue to be selfish and hurtful been that He has told me many times that he does not want to loose me. He wants us to work on us and stick together until we both feel there is no other way. Right now both of us have the hope that with time things will become more better and with the work we are doing.

Here is something that I think you should ask yourself (if Janey comes back maybe she could answer this too) ...

What do you define as love in your relationship now?

What did you define as love in your relationship before you had your affair?

June 7, 2011

i am not good at writing you probably already notice that from my post. I am deeply hurting(I cant imagine the pain that my H is going thru and the decision making he is having to go thru.). But what can I do, if I let him go, it will continue to be selfish and hurtful been that He has told me many times that he does not want to loose me.

its called desperation. he is hurting, desperation and hurt at some point turn into anger.

and trust me, because he is confused, and hurt, he may think he doesn't want to lose you, but at the same time will look at you and see nothing but contempt. and trust me, he has thought what it would be like to be with someone different.

being cheated on plays with one's emotions. you H is no different. He will go through different stages.

Ask JaneyAmazed. her husband absolutely sounded like he wanted to work on the marriage and sounded like someone who didn't want to split up at all.

now he has hit the anger stage and isn't sure he can handle staying knowing what his wife did with another man.

He wants us to work on us and stick together until we both feel there is no other way. Right now both of us have the hope that with time things will become more better and with the work we are doing.

Do you really think everything will be better for him if he has to think about you hopping up and down on another man?

Trust me, things may seem better, and may look like the marriage is "fixed", but this only is so for the person that did the cheating. Because now you have given your husband something to look at you and think about.

Even if it seems your husband has forgiven you and things are better, don't fool yourself into thinking he won't look at you and see the other man riding you for all you are worth. It will eat away at him, and he will bottle it up. What kind of life is that for him?

June 7, 2011

Even if it seems your husband has forgiven you and things are better, don't fool yourself into thinking he won't look at you and see the other man riding you for all you are worth. It will eat away at him, and he will bottle it up. What kind of life is that for him?

Same darn question I asked myself before I cut the tramp out of my world. That's no way to live.

June 8, 2011

Here is something that I think you should ask yourself (if Janey comes back maybe she could answer this too) ...

What do you define as love in your relationship now?
What did you define as love in your relationship before you had your affair?

What do you define as love in your relationship now?

What did you define as love in your relationship before you had your affair?

I define love as it is been define in scriptures: unselfish, kind, it has to be the highest, noblest, strongest kind of love, not merely affection and it hurt, hurts, hurts that by the A. that kind of love is not in me. How can I support an “I LOVE YOU” with my A? non-sense, it cant so that is why I had to put that out here for Janey. Please do not think that I am saying you don’t love your H, just that is it not the kind of love the I describe above.

As before the A. i thought I had everything I wanted, a loving husband, two wonderful daughters, a house, a car, a job, family. I know there were things that did not exactly made me happy but I am not focusing on that anymore since it will be putting the blame on H for my A and unhappiness and I know that it was purely my fault for making such poor decisions.

June 8, 2011

Janey-

At the risk of being labeled a cheater cheerleader, I wanted to express support for the efforts you are making and to suggest that you not engage the people on these forums that clearly still have bitterness issues from their own experiences.

I am a recently BS. Discovered my wife's 13 mo affair with her boss just 5 weeks ago. To be very brief, my wife has since done just about everything possible. I read through 9 pages of your story here because you sound much like her and I, like your husband, want to reconcile and still have all the issues that come with this.

From my perspective, what you are doing matters. Keep apologizing and taking responsibility. Appreciate him and he will turn around. And yes, you found your answer...be Patient. This is devastating to the core and with all my determination to give my 17 year relationship a second chance, it will continue to be a roller coaster.

One recommendation...my wife read a book on what she could do to help me through this. I suggested it because she was in a unique position to help. It's called Infidelity Crisis: How to Gain Forgiveness and Respect After Your Affair. She's already better at communicating with me.

I appreciate that others here want you to look more deeply at yourself and what allowed you to justify the affair but honestly, that needs to come after some basic healing. Taking full responsibility for now is enough.

Best of luck to you moving forward. Keep doing it and yes, you will be afraid of the consequences. He kinda needs you to feel that way for a while. Accepting this all too quickly is a blow to his own self-respect. Sacrifice yourself and your security because he deserves it.

June 8, 2011

Janey-

At the risk of being labeled a cheater cheerleader, I wanted to express support for the efforts you are making and to suggest that you not engage the people on these forums that clearly still have bitterness issues from their own experiences.

I am a recently BS. Discovered my wife's 13 mo affair with her boss just 5 weeks ago. To be very brief, my wife has since done just about everything possible. I read through 9 pages of your story here because you sound much like her and I, like your husband, want to reconcile and still have all the issues that come with this.

From my perspective, what you are doing matters. Keep apologizing and taking responsibility. Appreciate him and he will turn around. And yes, you found your answer...be Patient. This is devastating to the core and with all my determination to give my 17 year relationship a second chance, it will continue to be a roller coaster.

One recommendation...my wife read a book on what she could do to help me through this. I suggested it because she was in a unique position to help. It's called Infidelity Crisis: How to Gain Forgiveness and Respect After Your Affair. She's already better at communicating with me.

I appreciate that others here want you to look more deeply at yourself and what allowed you to justify the affair but honestly, that needs to come after some basic healing. Taking full responsibility for now is enough.

Best of luck to you moving forward. Keep doing it and yes, you will be afraid of the consequences. He kinda needs you to feel that way for a while. Accepting this all too quickly is a blow to his own self-respect. Sacrifice yourself and your security because he deserves it.

you aren't being a cheating cheerleader. Janey is one of the rare cheaters on this board that doesn't blame her husband for her choice to cheat(although a slight backslide did happen, but it was short lived)

I would never stay with a cheater. But if I did, they'd have to have the attitude of Janey's and do everything she is doing to make amends.

But Janey does need patience with him and give him LOTS of time. She did this to him, he needs time.

June 8, 2011

Janey is one of the rare cheaters on this board that doesn't blame her husband for her choice to cheat(although a slight backslide did happen, but it was short lived)

This basically.

Kidd, if you understood the attitude that some spouses have, then you would better understand the "bitter" (not very intelligent to reduce somebody's opinion into one word fyi) poster's views.

Janey and Sweetlife can swallow their pride...how many others can do that?

June 8, 2011

Hmm. I suppose that's fair. I don't mean to judge. I'm truly amazed at the 180 that my wife pulled after d-day. Sadly, that's rarely the story I read here. I can certainly understand bitterness (sorry to reduce it to a word). My view of the world has been shaken and I'm one of the lucky ones. I really just wanted to support Janey. I suspect almost every BS wishes that they had a WS that makes this kind of effort, no matter how pissed off we may be. Or perhaps I really only know my own experience.

June 8, 2011

"I do think it's possible to love two people at the same time."- See, this is something I will never understand. I was under the impression that being married- that entitled me to ALL her love. I can understand love for your family(siblings, children, friends), but love for OP, when that love should be directed at me- IT MAKES NO SENSE. That only tells me that anyone who displays some form of attention- when there is a lack from your spouse- can be MANIPULATED into love for that person displaying it to you... se what I mean. If a bum sitting outside a convience store shows you attention, while you are vulnerable- Are you going to end up bedding him too?

June 8, 2011

Hmm. I suppose that's fair. I don't mean to judge. I'm truly amazed at the 180 that my wife pulled after d-day. Sadly, that's rarely the story I read here. I can certainly understand bitterness (sorry to reduce it to a word). My view of the world has been shaken and I'm one of the lucky ones. I really just wanted to support Janey. I suspect almost every BS wishes that they had a WS that makes this kind of effort, no matter how pissed off we may be. Or perhaps I really only know my own experience.

Yep.

I would assume that both you and your wife had to do a lot of pride swallowing to try reconciliation. I know my ex and I really did, to try and make things work. There are quite a few stories here along that same lane.

Thing is, I can empathise with the "bitter" posters too. Nobody likes being covered in sh*t, and nobody likes having their trust ruined or having an idealised image of somebody crushed. Some people just take it harder then others.

And when you have stories where the BS loses the kids, house, money, car, friends, mental and physical health, and spouse...well, a bit of bitterness is the one of the least of your worries.

Sign In

I'm worried about my husband

Recommended Posts

JaneyAmazed

SoulStorm

nyrias

JaneyAmazed

JaneyAmazed

John Michael Kane

John Michael Kane

Mz. Pixie

OldOnTheInside

sweetlife

Memphis Raines

sweetlife

OldOnTheInside

Memphis Raines

John Michael Kane

sweetlife

Kidd

Memphis Raines

OldOnTheInside

Kidd

dale_gribble

OldOnTheInside

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...