I'm worried about my husband

[JaneyAmazed]

My H has always been the type of guy to keep things to himself that are bothering him. He's never wanted help from anyone in dealing with emotional issues. I feel like he'd benefit from some IC, that could help him deal with the thoughts and emotions he holds inside. We had a discussion the other day that turned into a full blown attack-fest (him, not me). I let him vent and tell me how he was feeling, but I wasn't able to help him. The problem with not talking about anything is he builds up these scenarios that don't exist. Because I betrayed him, sometimes I don't help him at all when we start discussing how he feels about the affair. I think he needs help from someone with experience. The problem is whenver I ask him if he'll talk to someone, he immeditatly shuts me down. He says talking about it just makes him think about it more; therefore, makes him upset again. I don't think he realizes that internalizing all this stuff is destroying him. I am afraid that our marriage won't last if he tries to deal with this the way he has. He can't keep holding stuff in and then blowing up at me. I mean, I'll let him do it for a while but it's not solving the problem. He said he forgave me for the affair, but I honestly don't feel forgiven. I feel like he thought he could forgive me at first but he had no idea what kinds of thoughts and emotions would come over the last few months. It doesn't matter what I've done. It doesn't matter that I've been faithful. It's how he feels that matters. My fear is that he is going to let this eat at his soul until it destroys him and/or our relationship. Any advice on what I should do? Should I suggest he talks to someone? If he refuses, what do I do then? Pray for a miracle?

 

By the way, we did go to MC a couple of times, but he keeps putting another session off. He said he'd go to MC with me if I ask him, but he doesn't want to. He said he wants to stay married and he loves me, but he doesn't need to talk to anyone about anything. I know he believes that, but I don't think it will work like that. I see how it's affecting him. I see how tense he is and how he keeps getting sick (not on his stomach - like head aches and colds). He doesn't sleep. I'm very worried, and I feel kind of helpless right now.

Edited May 25, 2011 by JaneyAmazed

[oldguy]

You might want to suggest he see a counselor on his own for awhile & you see a competent relationship counselor as well. Preferably the same one separately & not so much for you but for your marriage.

 

You cheated & broke the bonds of trust & that just doesn't get better by itself or over time. that is something you need to commit to. You need to be willing to put in the time and that is usually years not months.

 

Cheating is a devastating event in a relationship. From the cheaters side it is a mistake. From the person who was cheated on it is a betrayal of the highest magnitude. even if he does truly forgive you he is going to have to get to a place where he can feel that he can trust you again.

 

It will probably be very difficult for him to have heart to hearts with you for quite awhile, he doesn't trust you right now.

[JaneyAmazed]

You might want to suggest he see a counselor on his own for awhile & you see a competent relationship counselor as well. Preferably the same one separately & not so much for you but for your marriage.

 

You cheated & broke the bonds of trust & that just doesn't get better by itself or over time. that is something you need to commit to. You need to be willing to put in the time and that is usually years not months.

 

Cheating is a devastating event in a relationship. From the cheaters side it is a mistake. From the person who was cheated on it is a betrayal of the highest magnitude. even if he does truly forgive you he is going to have to get to a place where he can feel that he can trust you again.

 

It will probably be very difficult for him to have heart to hearts with you for quite awhile, he doesn't trust you right now.

 

 

I know it's very hard for him. I have been in IC for months now, and it's helping me a lot. I'm willing to put whatever time we need into but my worry is he isn't willing. I also need to know how to approach him with the idea of IC without him getting upset. He thinks that IC will not help him. About trust, he says he trusts me. He says if he didn't, he wouldn't still be married to me. I don't know if he's just saying that to make himself believe it or not.

[What_Next]

Janey if you remember in your original thread I told you many many times that he would likely get angry and lash out if he didn't deal with some of the emotions he was having. At the time you told me I didn't know him and he had forgiven you. Not going to say I told you so... Wait I think I just did...

 

Anyway, I can understand his not wanting to attend IC. In fact I can also understand his not wanting to attend MC either. I personally think it is a bunch of hogwash. If that is his thinking then there is likely little you can do to change that. I also went through similiar emotions to your husbands and I would lash out at my wife. In fact I went through a phase where I punished her. I'm not proud that I did, but I did. My own internal anger took over common sense. What helped calm me was my wife NOT getting defensive, but defending herself when she thought it necessary. She didn't push me, she didn't try and hide or diminish her actions. Oddly enough she sometimes ticked me off more by saying things like "I understand your anger at me, I even deserve it".. Now of course I wasn't abusive, just angry, that's a line that doesn't need to be crossed.

 

Let your husband know you understand his anger, let him know you are not going anywhere, but at the same time let him know he must find ways to deal with it. Whether that is IC/MC, punching a heavy bag, or barking at the moon, he must find his own way.

 

Don't expect major changes overnight, this will take time. It will take a lot of time.

[drifter777]

My H has always been the type of guy to keep things to himself that are bothering him. He's never wanted help from anyone in dealing with emotional issues. I feel like he'd benefit from some IC, that could help him deal with the thoughts and emotions he holds inside. We had a discussion the other day that turned into a full blown attack-fest (him, not me). I let him vent and tell me how he was feeling, but I wasn't able to help him. The problem with not talking about anything is he builds up these scenarios that don't exist. Because I betrayed him, sometimes I don't help him at all when we start discussing how he feels about the affair. I think he needs help from someone with experience. The problem is whenver I ask him if he'll talk to someone, he immeditatly shuts me down. He says talking about it just makes him think about it more; therefore, makes him upset again. I don't think he realizes that internalizing all this stuff is destroying him. I am afraid that our marriage won't last if he tries to deal with this the way he has. He can't keep holding stuff in and then blowing up at me. I mean, I'll let him do it for a while but it's not solving the problem. He said he forgave me for the affair, but I honestly don't feel forgiven. I feel like he thought he could forgive me at first but he had no idea what kinds of thoughts and emotions would come over the last few months. It doesn't matter what I've done. It doesn't matter that I've been faithful. It's how he feels that matters. My fear is that he is going to let this eat at his soul until it destroys him and/or our relationship. Any advice on what I should do? Should I suggest he talks to someone? If he refuses, what do I do then? Pray for a miracle?

 

By the way, we did go to MC a couple of times, but he keeps putting another session off. He said he'd go to MC with me if I ask him, but he doesn't want to. He said he wants to stay married and he loves me, but he doesn't need to talk to anyone about anything. I know he believes that, but I don't think it will work like that. I see how it's affecting him. I see how tense he is and how he keeps getting sick (not on his stomach - like head aches and colds). He doesn't sleep. I'm very worried, and I feel kind of helpless right now.

 

Ok, you know me a little bit and this is one area I feel I have earned the right to offer my perspective on.

 

First off, his blow-ups are to be expected. He's seeing a porn movie in his head and you are the star and he hates it and tries to make it go away but he can't and it's painful and he's hurting and he loves you but he's angry and it won't go away...you follow this, right? I'm assuring you that it's horrible for him, and until he believes that you are truly sorry and understand that what you did was selfish, hurtful and just plain wrong he can't begin to heal. You also must continually reassure him - in both words and actions - that you love him and want to spend the rest of your life with him and will never stray again. If you are unwilling to do this, then your marriage is likely doomed.

 

Second, you can't make him heal; he is the only one who can do this! Suggesting counseling is great, but at some point it is simply you making noises that equate to "get over it already". Which I KNOW is not what you are saying, but that is what he may well be HEARING. So, you must control the only person you can control - yourself. You go to counseling and work on your issues related to all of this. Talk about your fears & frustrations with a professional who can help you deal with the problems in your life.

 

Finally, healing takes as long as it takes. Don't make the mistake of using the calendar as a reference for his recovery. My counselor told me that it is common in her practice to see people who thought they had "recovered" from their spouses affair but continue to have issues years later for a myriad of reasons. Mind you, she is a Psychologist and her sample is made up of people seeking help for emotional problems so your mileage may vary.

 

Bottom line: Be patient as long as he does not become truly abusive. Help him as much as you can in whatever form that takes. See a counselor for yourself and work on your issues. Understand and accept that recovery for both of you does not necessarily include saving your marriage.

[Snowflower]

Janey, I think I was very similar to your H. If you go back and read my earliest thread here on LS, which was about 3-4 months out from d-day, I was very much like you described your H up until recently. Very patient, understanding, forgiving, etc.

 

My gosh, my enthusiasm and eagerness in that thread for my marriage to work and for everything to be back to normal was apparent. Of course, some of the wiser posters here saw the BS (bull sh-- and betrayed spouse:p) for what it was and who I was.

 

I told my H very early on that I could and was forgiving him and that I would be okay soon. Little did I know...

 

Like your H might have done, I think I buried some of my initial feelings of pain and disgust over the actions of our cheating spouses. I fought those feelings for months and finally, between months 12ish-24ish, all the ugliness came out and yes, it nearly ended our marriage. There is more to it then I will go into here (too long) but I have finally concluded that I was way too nice early on.

 

This might be what your H is feeling and yes, the anger is likely kicking in him for him. I think for men, the anger is a huge and very vital part of the recovery process.

 

Like others have mentioned, you can't make him go to IC and you can't make him talk. He has to figure this out on his own.

 

The best you can do is just consistently be there for him as he works through this and be prepared, it will take months and possibly years for him to reach a place where he is at peace with what happened.

 

Are you ready for the long-haul?

 

Your consistency and willingness to hold him tight when he wants that and let him go when he wants space is likely the best way to show him that you mean what you say.

 

It's so complicated.

 

WS never understand the depth of pain that the BS is put through as a result of cheating. I think most WS think it will just be a few months and then everything will be better...I don't think WS think this in a selfish sense, it's just that they have no concept of what it feels like to be the BS.

 

So keep reading Janey, read here at LS where BSs can give your their insight and read those infidelity books if they help you.

 

Keep going to IC and MC--even if your H won't go. The reasons for this are two-fold...one it will show your H that you continue to be serious about your intent to save the marriage and two, therapy will help you.

 

I would recommend finding a therapist who is trained specifically in infidelity. Many of them are not, so try to find one that is.

Edited May 25, 2011 by Snowflower

[JaneyAmazed]

Lots of men are the same. Nothing unusual here.

 

 

 

 

IC for him is entirely his decision.

 

 

 

 

Emotional storms are also very common in the aftermath of infidelity. Many infidelity books and websites talk about this.

 

 

 

 

You are only in the very recent aftermath of your affair and disclosure of it. Recovery takes a long time--years, usually.

 

 

 

 

It is very difficult for a betrayed spouse to trust a cheating spouse so soon after d day. That too can take years. This is typical. He can't trust you about what have told him did and didn't happen in your affair.

 

By the way, in another thread, you mentioned seeing your OM recently at a traffic light. I recommended you tell your husband about this contact. Did you?

 

 

 

 

 

You still need to be there for him. Put your own judgments to the side.

 

 

 

 

It's his decision, not yours.

 

 

 

 

It's his decision, not yours. He probably views it as condescending for you to tell him he needs therapy because he's having trouble dealing with the fallout from your affair.

 

 

 

 

 

Then you need to respect that he does not feel like IC is the right thing for him right now.

 

 

 

 

It's his decision how he chooses to process "this stuff" and you need to be supportive of him. It is somewhat surprising that you think your judgment to be superior to his, as to how he should process his own feelings.

 

 

 

 

If your marriage does not last, that is attributable to your actions in having the affair, and not to his inability to deal with it to your satisfaction.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Why not?

 

That's his way of processing the rage you created by having your affair, and it's non uncommon. You simply don't want to accept the consequences for your affair.

 

 

 

It's not your call as to whether it's solving the problem or not. It's his call.

 

 

 

 

This is also a consequence of what you did. Whether or not you feel forgiven should be a very minor concern at this point. It's way too early for him to be able to forgive you any way.

 

 

 

 

That's right, he sincerely tried to forgive you, but it's very difficult to actually do so in such a short time. Give him the credit for at least trying.

 

 

 

 

 

It's helpful that you stopped cheating since your affair was disclosed. Your expectations are unrealistic though. You should know that it takes much longer for recovery or forgiveness to happen--YEARS, usually--IF it is ever going to happen. A lot of times, it's just not possible.

 

 

 

 

 

Absolutely, and you need to allow him his feelings, even if that's anger at what you did to him and to your marriage.

 

 

 

 

Your affair has already destroyed his soul and his relationship. The question is whether either can be re-built in such a manner that will allow him to include you in his life, long term, in the future.

 

 

 

 

 

You sound very impatient and basically like you want to rush things along to get it all over with. Recovery doesn't work that way and there are no guarantees. I imagine he is sensing your impatience. You can't push someone else into counseling. STOP trying to dictate what you think he "needs" or should "do."

 

What can you do? There are lots of books and websites that talk about what cheaters should do to help the recovery process. You should read them, and do what they recommend. And you need to be in this for the long haul--two years, minimum. (By the way are you in individual counseling for infidelity, yourself? If not, why not? If yes, what has your IC told you you need to do to help repair the marriage?)

 

 

 

 

 

 

Have you started IC yet? Until you've been through IC for a substantial period of time to figure out the reasons why you cheated, MC isn't probably going to do very much good. In any case if he doesn't want to go, you can't force him to. Respect his opinion.

 

 

 

 

 

Respect his opinion.

 

 

 

 

 

Deal with it. You caused it.

 

 

I am dealing with it. I'm not impatient. Maybe you're impatient with me. I'm worried I will lose my husband. I just needed advice on what to do next.

[JaneyAmazed]

Janey if you remember in your original thread I told you many many times that he would likely get angry and lash out if he didn't deal with some of the emotions he was having. At the time you told me I didn't know him and he had forgiven you. Not going to say I told you so... Wait I think I just did...

 

You didn't have to say you told me so. I remembered what you said, so it was no shock that he got angry.

 

Anyway, I can understand his not wanting to attend IC. In fact I can also understand his not wanting to attend MC either. I personally think it is a bunch of hogwash. If that is his thinking then there is likely little you can do to change that. I also went through similiar emotions to your husbands and I would lash out at my wife. In fact I went through a phase where I punished her. I'm not proud that I did, but I did. My own internal anger took over common sense. What helped calm me was my wife NOT getting defensive, but defending herself when she thought it necessary. She didn't push me, she didn't try and hide or diminish her actions. Oddly enough she sometimes ticked me off more by saying things like "I understand your anger at me, I even deserve it".. Now of course I wasn't abusive, just angry, that's a line that doesn't need to be crossed.

 

Let your husband know you understand his anger, let him know you are not going anywhere, but at the same time let him know he must find ways to deal with it. Whether that is IC/MC, punching a heavy bag, or barking at the moon, he must find his own way.

 

Don't expect major changes overnight, this will take time. It will take a lot of time

 

Thanks. I don't expect anything overnight, but I do a fear he will leave because of the things he said to me.

[JaneyAmazed]

Ok, you know me a little bit and this is one area I feel I have earned the right to offer my perspective on.

 

First off, his blow-ups are to be expected. He's seeing a porn movie in his head and you are the star and he hates it and tries to make it go away but he can't and it's painful and he's hurting and he loves you but he's angry and it won't go away...you follow this, right? I'm assuring you that it's horrible for him, and until he believes that you are truly sorry and understand that what you did was selfish, hurtful and just plain wrong he can't begin to heal. You also must continually reassure him - in both words and actions - that you love him and want to spend the rest of your life with him and will never stray again. If you are unwilling to do this, then your marriage is likely doomed.

 

He knows I am truly sorry. He accepts that. He's dealing with the images you are talking about (porn movie) and comparing himself to xOM. I've been trying to say that I am willing to do anything, but I don't think he is willing based on a lot of things that he's said. He told me he was going to "keep his options open" and that he will always take care of his kids even if we don't stay together. I think I have reason to be alarmed that he will leave me. I'm doing everything I can, but I can't make him do anything.

 

Second, you can't make him heal; he is the only one who can do this! Suggesting counseling is great, but at some point it is simply you making noises that equate to "get over it already". Which I KNOW is not what you are saying, but that is what he may well be HEARING. So, you must control the only person you can control - yourself. You go to counseling and work on your issues related to all of this. Talk about your fears & frustrations with a professional who can help you deal with the problems in your life.

 

Finally, healing takes as long as it takes. Don't make the mistake of using the calendar as a reference for his recovery. My counselor told me that it is common in her practice to see people who thought they had "recovered" from their spouses affair but continue to have issues years later for a myriad of reasons. Mind you, she is a Psychologist and her sample is made up of people seeking help for emotional problems so your mileage may vary.

 

Bottom line: Be patient as long as he does not become truly abusive. Help him as much as you can in whatever form that takes. See a counselor for yourself and work on your issues. Understand and accept that recovery for both of you does not necessarily include saving your marriage

 

 

Thanks so much for your advice.

[Spark1111]

I am dealing with it. I'm not impatient. Maybe you're impatient with me. I'm worried I will lose my husband. I just needed advice on what to do next.

 

Janey, it takes two to save a marriage. One person cannot do it alone.

 

At some point HE will have to do the hard work of trying to heal also, and I do not believe burying helps anyone.

 

I know people heal in their own manner and time, and there are 5 really difficult stages to get through.

 

Denial is first (shock) and next comes anger. The anger stage, if not properly managed by HIM and YOU, can destroy a marriage also.

 

Why is he so afraid of speaking to a counselor? Does he read all the information regarding affairs and how to have a healthy marriage? Will he talk to a pastor or priest?

 

Communication, in a kind and compassionate manner, is key. About EVERYTHING.

 

If you need to talk, he needs to listen. If he needs to talk, you need to listen.

 

Buried feelings NEVER go away. But spouses can and do if one erupts too often in irrational anger.

 

I understand that anger and I lived it. But my fWS was NOT a talker, not about the affair, and I had so much I needed to know for a very long time.

 

If he dodged or weaved on iota, the anger came up from my toes.

 

You have the reverse problem, a spouse who doesn't want to talk about it.

 

This won't go away, until he either talks, or you walk, or you both accept this impasse in communicating.

 

But repeated blow-ups of anger CAN KILL a marriage all on it's own. That will eventually have to stop.

[JaneyAmazed]

Janey, it takes two to save a marriage. One person cannot do it alone.

 

At some point HE will have to do the hard work of trying to heal also, and I do not believe burying helps anyone.

 

I know people heal in their own manner and time, and there are 5 really difficult stages to get through.

 

Denial is first (shock) and next comes anger. The anger stage, if not properly managed by HIM and YOU, can destroy a marriage also.

 

Why is he so afraid of speaking to a counselor? Does he read all the information regarding affairs and how to have a healthy marriage? Will he talk to a pastor or priest?

 

Communication, in a kind and compassionate manner, is key. About EVERYTHING.

 

If you need to talk, he needs to listen. If he needs to talk, you need to listen.

 

Buried feelings NEVER go away. But spouses can and do if one erupts too often in irrational anger.

 

I understand that anger and I lived it. But my fWS was NOT a talker, not about the affair, and I had so much I needed to know for a very long time.

 

If he dodged or weaved on iota, the anger came up from my toes.

 

You have the reverse problem, a spouse who doesn't want to talk about it.

 

This won't go away, until he either talks, or you walk, or you both accept this impasse in communicating.

 

But repeated blow-ups of anger CAN KILL a marriage all on it's own. That will eventually have to stop.

 

I think this is why I sound so impatient and urgent. He told me if we have many more "fights" he doesn't want to stay married. The thing is, I wasn't fighting with him. I was letting him yell at me and I cried and kept telling him I'll do whatever it takes to keep him. I never raised my voice at him at all. All I could do was cry. I felt like he had zoned out into a different world and couldn't see or hear me at all. He told me get away from him and that I was just trying to make him mad. Like I said in my OP, I worry that if he doesn't talk to someone soon, he will walk away. I told him no matter what, I'm here. I'm not leaving. I love him more than I've loved anyone in life. The thought of losing him is unbearable. I told him all of that too. I'm a little too attached to him I suppose. He's been my lifeline since the affair. I've fallen more in love with him than ever, and I feel like I'm setting my heart up for another horrible heartbreak, but I'm willing to keep trying. I will not give up on my marriage. If it ends, it's because he had to leave. If he does, it will hurt but I did what I did. I did a horrible thing by betraying him and it's the ultimate consequence I may have to face.

[JaneyAmazed]

Janey:

 

Somehow I didn't see your second post in the thread indicating you've now been in IC for several months.

 

Have you and your IC discovered the reasons that made you feel it was OK to drop your boundaries to have the affair? I don't believe you've ever actually talked about that.

 

Why don't you invite your h to one of your IC sessions? That could serve as a good introduction for him to perhaps getting his own IC.

 

Oh we've talked in detail about my boudaries. If you go back and read of my old posts you can see what happened. I make no excuses for doing what I did. I should have suggested we go to MC back before the affair. I was just so screwed up. I had issues that would fill up this page. It's long and complicated. I'm finally able to make sense of it all. I just hate that I made such a stupid choice. I know I shouldn't but I still carry lots of guilt for making my husband hurt so much. If I didn't love him as much as I do, maybe I wouldn't feel as guilty. I just know he is worth fighting for now. Whatever he has to do to get through this, I will support him and help him in anyway that he asks me. It's the least I can do for him. He has done more than enough for me.

[Memphis Raines]

My H has always been the type of guy to keep things to himself that are bothering him. He's never wanted help from anyone in dealing with emotional issues. I feel like he'd benefit from some IC, that could help him deal with the thoughts and emotions he holds inside. We had a discussion the other day that turned into a full blown attack-fest (him, not me). I let him vent and tell me how he was feeling, but I wasn't able to help him.

 

well, we did tell you that this was coming. that the anger stage will come sooner or later when the desperation feeling start to fade away.

 

there isn't much you can do but let him vent. IC could help him. Because he needs to be able to say what he really wants in private with a counselor.

 

 

The problem with not talking about anything is he builds up these scenarios that don't exist.

 

such as?

 

 

Because I betrayed him, sometimes I don't help him at all when we start discussing how he feels about the affair. I think he needs help from someone with experience.

 

ok, you made it sound in another thread that he was pretty much at fault for you straying. whether it is an excuse, explanation, whatever is beside the point.

 

question is, did you make him feel like it was his fault?

 

 

The problem is whenver I ask him if he'll talk to someone, he immeditatly shuts me down. He says talking about it just makes him think about it more; therefore, makes him upset again.

 

I can understand where he is coming from. Talking about it does drudge it up again. maybe IC can help him, even though that necessitates him talking about it, but he needs to talk about it to a professional so they can give him advice on how to deal.

 

after that if he doesn't want to talk about it, its totally understandable. But like you said, he'll bottle it up and blow later.

 

thats just the thing that sucks about cheating. there is no real good fix for the aftermath. all one can do is try to get back to normal and simply try to keep the triggers to a minimum, if possible.

 

 

I don't think he realizes that internalizing all this stuff is destroying him. I am afraid that our marriage won't last if he tries to deal with this the way he has.

 

now don't put this on him. if the marriage doesn't last it wont have anything to do with the way he is dealing with it. it will be because of the affair that caused his emotions to run amok.

 

 

He can't keep holding stuff in and then blowing up at me. I mean, I'll let him do it for a while but it's not solving the problem.

 

well what in your mind WILL solve the problem? you have given him one helluva vision in that head of his that won't ever go away.

 

maybe the only thing that will solve the problem is if you two divorce. I know you want to try, and i know he is trying to keep it together as well. but you have given him something that will weigh on his mind from time to time for the rest of his life.

 

 

He said he forgave me for the affair, but I honestly don't feel forgiven. I feel like he thought he could forgive me at first but he had no idea what kinds of thoughts and emotions would come over the last few months. It doesn't matter what I've done. It doesn't matter that I've been faithful. It's how he feels that matters. My fear is that he is going to let this eat at his soul until it destroys him and/or our relationship.

 

again, don't think that its his handling of the hand you dealt him that will destroy this relationship.

 

that being said, just try to get him in to IC. if not for your relationship, at least for himself.

 

 

 

By the way, we did go to MC a couple of times, but he keeps putting another session off.

 

did the therapist by any chance tell him what you told us? did he/she kind of turn this around on him and tried to make him think that he drove you to this?

 

if so, I wouldn't want to make another session either. I wouldn't want anyone trying to say I need to change and extort a particular behavior from me just to keep someone from cheating. if you have to walk on eggshells to keep someone from cheating, whats the point in being with them.

 

did the therapist say anything of the sort?

 

 

He said he'd go to MC with me if I ask him, but he doesn't want to. He said he wants to stay married and he loves me, but he doesn't need to talk to anyone about anything. I know he believes that, but I don't think it will work like that. I see how it's affecting him. I see how tense he is and how he keeps getting sick (not on his stomach - like head aches and colds). He doesn't sleep. I'm very worried, and I feel kind of helpless right now.

 

I was afraid for you that it would come to this, just as we told you in your other threads. That his forgiveness came way too easy because he himself was in a fog about what went down.

 

all I can say is let him vent, try to get him into IC. I'm thinking he doesn't want to really say what he feels in front of you to a therapist, especially if he might thing the therapist my try to excuse your actions.

 

I'm thinking that that anger stage will also pass with time (although I don't know first hand because I won't stay around long enough to find out).

 

question is, are you willing to take the lumps born from your choice to cheat?

 

I know you shouldn't take it forever. But his betrayal isn't old news. its still VERY young and too fresh. To think that you can't take much more at this point is starting to indicate you may not be as willing to right your wrong as you originally contend.

[Memphis Raines]

But repeated blow-ups of anger CAN KILL a marriage all on it's own. That will eventually have to stop.

 

 

he does need to find a way to deal with his pain, for his own well being if nothing else.

 

but if the marriage is killed, as you say, it isn't because of his reaction to the betrayal, but the betrayal itself.

 

dont put this on him.

[Snowflower]

he does need to find a way to deal with his pain, for his own well being if nothing else.

 

but if the marriage is killed, as you say, it isn't because of his reaction to the betrayal, but the betrayal itself.

 

dont put this on him.

 

Well said.

 

It's way too early in the process to even think that he should be trying to move forward. Janey, I'm not saying that is what you're doing. If anything, it sounded like (from your posts) that this is what your H himself was doing. Just him trying to move forward as best he could and now it has caught up with him.

 

It won't be his inability to vanquish his anger or him keeping everything bottled up that will end your marriage-if that is what it comes to.

 

It will be the betrayal that might end up being too much.

 

It's two separate things.

[What_Next]

I've been trying to say that I am willing to do anything, but I don't think he is willing based on a lot of things that he's said. He told me he was going to "keep his options open" and that he will always take care of his kids even if we don't stay together. I think I have reason to be alarmed that he will leave me. I'm doing everything I can, but I can't make him do anything.

 

I can empathize, in fact I said something VERY similiar to my wife today. I told her in conversation (well in email conversation anyway) that I will protect myself, I will ensure I can stand on my own 2 feet financially and emotionally without anyone's support. My ability to blindly trust anyone is gone and will not be back. Now with that being said I am not "keeping my options open" as such, but I am realistic. I do know that there is a reasonably high chance that we will NOT make it as there is in your case. Your husband is simply expressing this. Should you be alarmed that he will leave you? Honestly, yes, but this is of your own doing.

 

Should it color anything you do? No it should not. I also believe you are being somewhat impatient as has been suggested. You are expecting way too much, way too soon. Be calm. Take each day as it comes.

 

Remember that you destroyed all trust in your relationship, you trashed your wedding vows and you have shaken your husband right to the core. Maybe he repressed a lot of this initially and now it is coming out, and in fact that is somewhat normal. The road to recovery will differ for everyone.

 

Have patience, have faith, trust that in some ways the outcome is out of your hands. Ask your husband to communicate his feelings as best he is able.

[drifter777]

I think this is why I sound so impatient and urgent. He told me if we have many more "fights" he doesn't want to stay married. The thing is, I wasn't fighting with him. I was letting him yell at me and I cried and kept telling him I'll do whatever it takes to keep him. I never raised my voice at him at all. All I could do was cry. I felt like he had zoned out into a different world and couldn't see or hear me at all. He told me get away from him and that I was just trying to make him mad. Like I said in my OP, I worry that if he doesn't talk to someone soon, he will walk away.

 

Janey - you read this but are you understanding it?

He's seeing a porn movie in his head and you are the star and he hates it and tries to make it go away but he can't and it's painful and he's hurting and he loves you but he's angry and it won't go away...you follow this, right?

This is an extremely painful, frustrating phase for both of you and you cannot hurry the process and must remain patient. It sounds like you are doing all the right things but you are not happy because you perceive the process as moving too slow. Please stop doing this as you are setting yourself up for eventual failure. It is very possible that your husband is picking up on your impatience and it comes across to him as "get over it already!". Talk with your counselor about patience and accepting certain things that your really have no control over. I can't give you a guarantee that this will all work out, but I can assure you that your impatience can destroy any chance you have.

[jnj express]

Hey Janey-----You, nor any counselor, nor your own H's heart, can do anything about this----you are locked in a war, vs. his sub-conscious, and you basically have little chance of winning----

 

It all has to come from him---his heart may say he loves you-----his sub-c. hates you----his sub-c.---wants you gone, banished, there is nothing you can do---it is his battle to fight, and he has to fight it alone

 

He fights it when he drives, back and forth to work, when he is at his desk alone, when he wakes up at 3 a m-----when there is little or no by-play tween the 2 of you

 

Some counselor telling him what is right, wrong, what needs to be done, probing, pushing---forget it---you will just feed his sub-c., and make him despise both you, and the counselor

 

What can you do---hold him when he is in pain, go to him, help him thru the pain, and the visions, tell him what he means to you, and what you will do for him---be selfless

 

You CAN NOT MAKE THIS GO AWAY---you can not get rid of it faster than it takes, for him to process it all, and deal with it

 

Either ride out the nuclear winter you have created, or face some harsh consequences----DO NOT PUSH HIM----he is all ready in a corner---and he doesn't know which way to go!!!!!----LEAVE HIM ALONE---just be there for him

 

Try to think of it in another way-----You went off with another man---it doesn't matter what you did---you went with another man---you chose him over your H----REVERSE IT---how would you be dealing right now---IF YOUR H. HAD GONE OFF WITH ANOTHER WOMAN!!!!!!!!

[Memphis Raines]

Janey - you read this but are you understanding it?

He's seeing a porn movie in his head and you are the star and he hates it and tries to make it go away but he can't and it's painful and he's hurting and he loves you but he's angry and it won't go away...you follow this, right?

This is an extremely painful, frustrating phase for both of you and you cannot hurry the process and must remain patient.

 

 

calling it a porn movie in his head with her being the star is the best way to put this in perspective. Because i can tell you thats EXACTLY what is running through his mind.

 

he has images of Janey riding the OM, squealing with pleasure, and doing whatever else to the guy. Even things she wouldn't do with her H.

 

Janey, THAT is EXACTLY what your husband is going through. I remember it well. he isn't sitting there thinking of you and this guy together and you not enjoying any of it. He knows better. He knows you enjoyed every minute of it while it lasted.

 

those aren't things that are just going to go away in a few months, and they will never completely go away.

 

and right now he is feeling damn inadequate. all you can do is be patient and BE THERE. in other words, love should keep your butt home for a long while. no going out for drinks and things like that with the girls. not saying you do this, but stressing the importance of doing whatever it takes to make amends.

and I know you are doing all you can. the last thing is patience.

 

he may stay, he may leave, but you owe it to him the time to figure out what he wants to do in the end.

[Untouchable_Fire]

I am dealing with it. I'm not impatient. Maybe you're impatient with me. I'm worried I will lose my husband. I just needed advice on what to do next.

 

I know your worried... but you have to just put your insecurities aside and TRUST HIM to deal with this.

 

He doesn't want IC or MC right now. You need to just respect that.

 

My suggestion is to focus ALL of your extra energy into making yourself valuable in his eyes. Do things that show you love him, and just be anal retentive about that stuff.

[OldOnTheInside]

Truth is, there is little you can do but be patient and let him do what he feels he has to do. You've placed a lot on his shoulders that he has to unload on his own. You can support him throughout this process (which you have been doing) but very little else.

 

Just don't get your hopes up.

[Snowflower]

Janey,

 

here's a link to your thread about running in to the OM:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=3418914#post3418914

 

It says you ran into him yesterday; your h ran into him a couple of days before that. It's likely that this will be repeated indefinitely.

 

It is hard enough to recover from your affair but IMO it will be impossible as long as you are living in the same town as your OM.

 

Every time your h sees him it's a trigger. Just thinking about the possibility of running into the OM is a trigger. Thinking that you might run into the OM, at any random time, is a trigger.

 

Your goal shouldn't be the ability to run into the OM without feeling anything.

 

Your goal should be never wanting to see him again.

 

If you and your husband are serious about recovery, then you need to have a serious discussion with your h about putting your house up for sale and moving away, no matter how inconvenient this might be.

 

It is likely your h is thinking about moving anyway--with or without you. It's the only way to get away from the OM. OM is omnipresent, a constant trigger.

 

Yeah, pulling up roots....possibly a big financial loss on the sale of the house...maybe getting new jobs....pulling the kids out of school....

 

Yup. All of that.

 

Tell your husband that you want to move far away so you will never have to see the OM ever again.

 

Gar, you and I clashed on another thread but I have to say that is really excellent advice.

 

Janey, I was also thinking about the coincidence with seeing the xOM twice within a few days by either you or your husband.

 

This has quite possibly changed your husband's thoughts with regards to the affair.

 

Janey, this whole thread is full of very good points to consider. Really balanced without being too hopeful or too negative. One of the very best threads I have seen in a long time. I hope it helps!

[Sooner or Later]

I think he will never--truly--forgive you and be able to wipe those images from his mind.

 

Best to move on and you both find peace without each other.

[Mansman]

I would try to convince him that you had the affair purely for neurotic reasons of your own, and not because your husband is lacking in any way. Tell him he's better looking, better sexually, and generally better in every way compared with the OM.

[silktricks]

Janey, you may lose your husband. What you did may in the end be too much for him to handle. But, that said - four months is nothing. If you were four years out and he was still experiencing these problems it wouldn't be surprising, but four months? It would be surprising if he wasn't going through this.

I got concerned when you said you "don't feel forgiven". Well, dear, he may have said he's forgiven you, but between saying you forgive and actually forgiving is a chasm a mile wide and 2 miles deep. It takes a long time to really forgive, and sometimes, much as you want to just forget and let things go, you simply cannot. You feel like if you do you'll go stone crazy. Your imagination is in charge - and it's full of razors and knives.

 

My husband told me that he expected me to leave him, that I wouldn't be able to get past his infidelity. I told him that I would be able to get by it IF he would be able to stick with me through whatever I had to do to get by it. He stuck with me through my own private hell, and it changed both of us.

 

You can't fix him on your timetable, in fact you can't fix him at all. He has to fix himself and heal himself. All you can do is be there. Be consistent. Take care of doing whatever you need to do to fix what was wrong inside of you that let you cheat. Show him that it will never happen again. Ever. Under any circumstances. Even that may not be enough. My husband told me repeatedly that he would be there for me even if it killed him - and I think it almost did - it almost killed me, too.

 

I have heard that it's much harder for a man to forgive infidelity than it is for a woman. I don't know if that's true, but I can tell you that as a woman, it's d*mn hard.

 

I wish you all the luck in the world and hope the two of you can work things out.

 

((((hugs))))

 

Silk