pgreek Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 I'm new here so this may have been discussed many times,but... I just got SOLID proof my wife is having an affair. Been married almost 20 years, two teen aged sons, I can admit I've been emotionally unfair to her from time to time. She took off to "visit her mother" last Thursday throught Friday morning. While on my Ipod I noticed her email was open. I found 23 coversations with the boyfriend one of which was a photo of them having sex. They use screen names and I don't know his real name. One email from last Thursday included their meeting place. It gets uglier from here. I do not want a divorce, it would screw us up family wise, professionally and ruin our sons. I want to fix the problems. On a side note I'm diabetic and nearly full impotent sexually, been working with the doctor on that one. Did I drive her away?
Memphis Raines Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 I'm new here so this may have been discussed many times,but... I just got SOLID proof my wife is having an affair. Been married almost 20 years, two teen aged sons, I can admit I've been emotionally unfair to her from time to time. as was my x-wife to me, but you didn't see me going off and playing hide the salami with other women. i'm sure she wasn't the perfect wife before the affair either. it takes 2 to make a marriage good or bad. the responsibility and blame for having an affair lies solely with the wayward spouse She took off to "visit her mother" last Thursday throught Friday morning. While on my Ipod I noticed her email was open. I found 23 coversations with the boyfriend one of which was a photo of them having sex. They use screen names and I don't know his real name. One email from last Thursday included their meeting place. It gets uglier from here. I do not want a divorce, it would screw us up family wise no, her cheating on her kids by betraying the father they love is what screwed this up family wise. professionally and ruin our sons. so if you get a divorce because she cheated, you think it will be your fault? I want to fix the problems. On a side note I'm diabetic and nearly full impotent sexually, been working with the doctor on that one. Did I drive her away? no. if you drove your wife to cheat, then I should have had sex with 100's of women during my marriage. i'm wondering if she has gaslighted you into thinking this way? making you feel this is your fault. if you want to change for changes sake, or because you simply want to be different, then more power to you. but dont do it because you think you have to to keep someone like her from cheating. if you have to walk on eggshells to keep someone from cheating, then you have no relationship. basically what you have is emotional blackmail.
jnj express Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 This takes 2 to 5 yrs to fix-----can the 2 of you handle that--- You know that there must be accountability on her part---no sweeping under the rug What is she willing to do------in actual fact---she cheated, she needs to do all the heavy lifting---to get back in the family She has learned how to lie, be deceitful, manipulate, and connive---along with basically telling you---you are a POS, not worth her while----same for her kids---OTHERWISE WE WOULDN'T BE HERE TALKING WOULD WE?????? Again what is she willing to do---no matter the marital problems,---that did not give her license to drive a dagger thru your heart, and create nuclear winter for your family----YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR CHEATING---in any way, shape or form Take your time, do what is needed---but never come across to her as needy, do not beg, nor cry, nor appear weak---she will just "dis" you even more
Bryanp Posted May 26, 2011 Posted May 26, 2011 So she is out cheating on you with her lover, putting your health at risk for STD's and having pictures of herself having sex with this guy and you do not want to make a scene? She is totally humiliating and disrespecting you in the worst possible way. Stand up and expose your wife's affair to everyone including your family. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. The way you describe yourself as being so fearful of even saying anything to her indicates to me that your wife has been engaging in this affair because she has no fear of you leaving her even if she is caught. She now clearly has no respect for you whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will? Nobody and I mean nobody respects a doormat. If the roles were reversed would she be afraid of confronting you?
seibert253 Posted May 26, 2011 Posted May 26, 2011 If you want to save your M, then you have to play hardball. If you play nice, she will see this as weakness. Right now you do not need to be nice for you or your family's sake. Want to get you point across, do this right now: Call her, tell her you know where she is, who she's with, and what she's doing. The hang up. Dont answer her calls or texts. Nothing. It's gonna suck, but if there's anything left, she will come running home as fast as she can. If she doesn't come straight home, (within 24hrs), then you need to start planning for D. As a matter of fact, you should start planning for that anyway. Again, playing hardball, but also being prepared. After you hang up, gather and pack her things. Have them waiting for her when she gets home. When she gets home tell her you know EVERYTHING, and she has a choice; she can be totally honest and tell you EVERYTHING, (to include who the OM is), or she can leave and you are going to D her. Do not plead, beg, bargin. Be totally cool and calm, (easier said than done). If you don't get the breakdown and sobbing confession and apologizes, then she needs to go. When faced with the reality of her M imploding, she may get knocked right out of the A fog. She may not come out of it right away, so don't make any hasty decisions. But, you need to plan as if you will D. Stay strong, we are here for you. Keep posting and keep us updated.
Author pgreek Posted May 26, 2011 Author Posted May 26, 2011 First off, thanks for listening. I had to talk with someone. My family never really liked her, but I won't bore you with that. I can't talk to my priest, she is his secretary. None of my male co-workers are trustworthy to talk with,all too young and stupid. I do not want to crush her mom, she has been my mom for 20 years. My sons are prime important. The eldest is starting college after graduating HS in only three years. The younger is so emotionally tied to us we would crush him with a divorce. I know I'm being played. I want to try and fix things. One of her cheats is moving on June 2 to North Carolina, I still have to deal with the others. I found some of their e-mail addresses. Do I go after them and tell them I know? Proably the wrong thing to do right? I'm still in the denial stage. Thanks. P
mark982 Posted May 26, 2011 Posted May 26, 2011 jesus man, just how many times has she cheated? the best thing you can do is expose this ongoing series of affairs. tell everyone, sorta the shock and awe. after finding out that she's having numerous affairs, i sure would be getting checked for std's.
Chi townD Posted May 26, 2011 Posted May 26, 2011 First off, thanks for listening. I had to talk with someone. My family never really liked her, but I won't bore you with that. I can't talk to my priest, she is his secretary. None of my male co-workers are trustworthy to talk with,all too young and stupid. I do not want to crush her mom, she has been my mom for 20 years. My sons are prime important. The eldest is starting college after graduating HS in only three years. The younger is so emotionally tied to us we would crush him with a divorce. I know I'm being played. I want to try and fix things. One of her cheats is moving on June 2 to North Carolina, I still have to deal with the others. I found some of their e-mail addresses. Do I go after them and tell them I know? Proably the wrong thing to do right? I'm still in the denial stage. Thanks. P Dude, if she's having multiuple affairs, Mark is right. Get yourself checked out. I wouldn't bother calling the OM's. They knew she was married so they really wouldn't give a damn what you have to say. However, if they're married also, you might WANT to tell them that if they don't tell their wives then you will. That will kill off the affairs quickly. I really want you to think about this next statement. If she has been cheating on you, then your marriage is a lie. You can be responsible for 50% percent of the problems in your marriage, but she is 100% responsible for her affairs. I understand you wanting to save this marriage because of your family and your son's sake. But, you have to think of yourself right now and your own happiness and sanity.
PegNosePete Posted May 26, 2011 Posted May 26, 2011 I'm still in the denial stage. No sh*t Sherlock!! Sorry I should be nicer since this is obviously a terrible time for you, as it was for me. But read what Bryanp and the others have written again and again until it sinks in. Dude. Your wife is cheating on you with multiple partners and YOU want to fix it? What does SHE want? If she does not want to change then your marriage is doomed. Do you really want to just sit there twiddling your thumbs while your wife is out screwing other guys? You need to MAN UP dude. You're setting a really bad example to your sons by letting her walk all over you. If your son was in your situation in 20 years time and he asked you for advice, what would you tell him? Stand up for what YOU know is right and stop letting her treat you like a piece of dog poo.
DMSR Posted May 26, 2011 Posted May 26, 2011 I've been married for 8 years and I've come to the conclusion that some people are incapable of being monogamous. My wife started down her track of infidelity very early in our relationship. I found out by reading her journal and her e-mails. I still do to this day. We have a young daughter and I could not bear the thought of living without my child near me. Thank you for sharing your experience. I think you are making the right decision to stay in the marriage for the sake of your children. That's my opinion. I have lived most of my adult life in just that type of arrangement. My wife never talks to me about anything of real meaning. We never fight or argue. Our child is loved by us both. I have not had sex in years. At this point I feel numb and I operate on total autopilot. This forum will be my outlet, because I could never bring myself to speak what I've just written. D
PegNosePete Posted May 26, 2011 Posted May 26, 2011 I have lived most of my adult life in just that type of arrangement. ... I feel numb and I operate on total autopilot. This forum will be my outlet, because I could never bring myself to speak what I've just written. Well if that's not a pretty good advertisement for NOT staying in that situation then I don't know what is. You sound utterly depressed and miserable. What a life, and what an example to set your children.
Author pgreek Posted May 26, 2011 Author Posted May 26, 2011 Everything you folks are saying logically makes sense to me. I need to find someone here who I can trust to spill my side to. It has been 26 years of my life with her. Too much good is happining with my boys to crush the family. I will be sure they never are treated this way by a woman, trust me. Emotionally, I am in a tail spin. Was it this way for you too and how do you pull out? I have one female co-worker I might be able to trust, maybe to speak with. Advice? No family, no male freinds, no boss will understand or will just tell me to get a lawyer. P
PegNosePete Posted May 26, 2011 Posted May 26, 2011 Too much good is happining with my boys to crush the family. Your wife obviously did not agree. She is the one who has chosen to do this after all. You don't have a family right now; you have your boys and a cheating wife. That is not a family that any self-respecting man would want to be a part of. I will be sure they never are treated this way by a woman, trust me. No, I don't trust you. Nothing personal, it's just that what you're saying is impossible. No father or mother can prevent their children being treated this way. Don't you think your own parents would have said something similar? You can't forbid your children from getting married to someone you don't like. All you can do is set an example by your ACTIONS. Be strong and do the right thing. Being a doormat is NOT the right thing. No matter what you tell them, they will see that you have been walked all over, cheated on, abused and taken advantage of. So they will either grow up thinking that is OK and normal, or they will rebel against it and hate all women. Neither is a desirable outcome. Advice? No family, no male freinds, no boss will understand or will just tell me to get a lawyer. P Well you can post here all you like of course Yes a lawyer for sure. You might also consider some counselling. Lawyers get very expensive if you use them to "talk" to. Stick to the facts with the lawyer and pour your heart out to your counselor or friends.
Author pgreek Posted May 26, 2011 Author Posted May 26, 2011 (edited) I think she knows I know something. Hate to say it publically, but I snooped on her e-mails and she said as much to her best friend. I had to know what was up so I don't think I was wrong in snooping. If she didn't want me to find out she could just log off her e-mail account or change the password I selected for her years ago. I can't trust she is off to lunch with a common friend even though I heard the freind in the background when I called the wife at lunchtime today. I have a world of things to deal with and work is sooo at the bottom of my list right now. Hope my boss agrees. P PS: the friend is female and so conservative she wont let my wife use her as a front. The wife may do lunch with her, drop off the friend then continue on somewhere else before I get home, I'm sure. But going out with the friend is a good front. Edited May 26, 2011 by pgreek
nyc_guy2003 Posted May 26, 2011 Posted May 26, 2011 after finding out that she's having numerous affairs, i sure would be getting checked for std's. Guess you didn't read the part where he said he was fully impotent.
fltc Posted May 26, 2011 Posted May 26, 2011 What's best for your children and you is to expose the affairs to everyone, get an attorney and throw her out of your life or let your kids and family know you're too weak to protect yourself, wanna bet your kids and her family know what she's doing?
Chi townD Posted May 26, 2011 Posted May 26, 2011 Guess you didn't read the part where he said he was fully impotent. Ummm. you can please a woman with other parts of your body, if you don't know which ones, it's right under your nose.
sanskrit Posted May 26, 2011 Posted May 26, 2011 i'm wondering if she has gaslighted you into thinking this way? making you feel this is your fault. Pay attention to this OP and think carefully about it. Also reconsider divorce, your sons will likely be fine, and you should worry about -you- too. Will -you- be fine? What if she continues the affair even after you have exposed it? Will you be fine with that? See a lawyer.
Memphis Raines Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 I can't talk to my priest, she is his secretary. first off, being secretary for a priest? she trying to pretend she is a good christian? thats like pouring perfume on a pig secondly, aren't your discussions with your priest confidential?
drifter777 Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 I think she knows I know something. Hate to say it publically, but I snooped on her e-mails and she said as much to her best friend. I had to know what was up so I don't think I was wrong in snooping. If she didn't want me to find out she could just log off her e-mail account or change the password I selected for her years ago. I can't trust she is off to lunch with a common friend even though I heard the freind in the background when I called the wife at lunchtime today. I have a world of things to deal with and work is sooo at the bottom of my list right now. Hope my boss agrees. P PS: the friend is female and so conservative she wont let my wife use her as a front. The wife may do lunch with her, drop off the friend then continue on somewhere else before I get home, I'm sure. But going out with the friend is a good front. Look, you need to find a counselor to talk to and you need to do it right now before anything else. You are not thinking clearly and you need professional help to begin sorting out your feelings. Right now you are only contributing to the drama and making yourself crazy by continuing to investigate what you already know to be true. You are going to overwhelm yourself as you try to process the betrayal while clinging to rules about your kids that you have imposed on yourself. Your situation has changed and the rules may not apply any longer. Stop trying to make sense out of nonsense and get yourself to a counselor. You are at the beginning of a long, long nightmare and the sooner you face reality the sooner you can begin the healing process. The moment you start taking action to help yourself you will begin to feel less like a victim. Just get started.
Memphis Raines Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 I think she knows I know something. Hate to say it publically, but I snooped on her e-mails and she said as much to her best friend. dont EVER apologize for needing to know what is going on and looking at emails. If she didn't give you a reason to find the info for yourself, you probably wouldn't be looking. now if you snooped and never had a suspicion or she never gave you any reason to believe she was a cheating, that might be different.
Author pgreek Posted May 31, 2011 Author Posted May 31, 2011 (edited) I confonted her and we are trying to reconsile. Will she continue? I hope not. I read more emails, she tod him she will "slow down" contact. Probably means they are creating new email accounts as we speak. She didn't go anywhere last week, maybe they are playing me again. Slowing down to divert my attention. We are looking for a counselor. I don't know, we'll try. This is a long and winding road ( to quote the Beatles). Thanks for the support Edited May 31, 2011 by pgreek
Bryanp Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 She writes to him after your confrontation that she will slow down contact? Are you kidding me? She is playing you for a total fool. She clearly has no respect for you whatsoever. If the roles were reverse and your told your lover that you will slow down contact do you think your wife would be so understanding? No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. I do think she has and continues to cheat on you because she knows that you are afraid to take any action against her. Nobody and I repeat nobody respects a doormat. If you do not respect yourself then who will? I suggest that you both get tested for STD's and tell her divorce is on the table if she contacts anybody else again. I would also inform her boss. Enough is enough!
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