tigressA Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 Over the last few weeks I've noticed a fairly significant change in my relationship. It's notable because it's never happened to me before. Usually I'm always the one with the mushy heart, saying sweet things and being romantic. I'm always the one to be so in love and not have my partner reciprocate fully. And it was that way in the first few months of my current relationship, but not so much anymore. We cuddle a lot, and he's taken to saying things like "This is one of those times when I really want to marry you", adding that he feels that way a lot. He also says things like sometimes his feelings are so intense he has no words for them, and that he wants to give me everything. I don't have a history of dating guys like this--and by "like this" I don't mean emotional/expressive/romantic. I mean truly in love with me, particularly when aware of all my faults. He knows I can be outrageously self-centered and reactionary, as well as calculating and ice-cold. He's seen the first two for himself more than once; the last two I told him about. It's ramped up my insecurity. I wonder, "Is he really feeling like that about ME? What is so special about me that makes him feel this way? He could be lying." I was even driven to snoop again the other day. Of course, I didn't find anything and I felt horrible about myself for an hour or so. Sometimes I don't know what I'm doing in this relationship, or in a relationship, period. I had the brief thought yesterday that maybe we should break up because he's such a good man and he deserves someone who isn't so damaged, though I love him every bit as much as he does me and it would hurt like h*ll to let him go.
OriginalPenguin Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 It's ramped up my insecurity. I wonder, "Is he really feeling like that about ME? What is so special about me that makes him feel this way? He could be lying." . I am going to give you the same advice that has been given to me, because I have had these exact same thoughts. He is interested in YOU, he is with YOU. Everytime you spend energy on these kinds of thoughts you are robbing not only yourself of joy but your boyfriend as well. It's subtle but still there.... And as far as the "he could be lying" part. You are absolutely correct. He could be. He could also be from mars, but no amount of you worrying about it will change it. If he is lying then deal with it if it comes up. If he is not (more likely) than tell yourself that you should be allowed to enjoy this affection that he is giving you. Live in the moment!
Cee Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 I'm thinking of what advice to give, but I don't have any. You are doing quite fine without my meddling. It sounds like you still are very happy. Congratulations.
Author tigressA Posted May 25, 2011 Author Posted May 25, 2011 Thanks. I try to forget about it and am successful a good bit of the time, but when it pops up, it does so with a vengeance. I hate it. I slightly dislike that he's so understanding about it--I'm not used to that at all. I haven't told him about the breakup thought I had, but he knows my insecurities and does what he can to make me feel better, though they're really all my issues. I'm not used to someone being so understanding and thoughtful. Usually it's "You think too much, get over it" or some variation. I've asked him more than once how I got so lucky, and I mean it. I've found someone who knows what a relationship is supposed to be, actually lives it and also happens to be crazy about me--and I feel like it's not supposed to be happening to me.
heartshaped Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 I could have written these words myself when I first entered this relationship. I've found that the more time goes on, the less insecure I am, I can honestly say now that I haven't had a doubt in months and that's huge for me. I don't even know you, but I am thrilled for you. This sort of thing only comes around once in a lifetime- hold on to it.
sagetalk Posted May 26, 2011 Posted May 26, 2011 and I feel like it's not supposed to be happening to me. There are a number of girls on here that frequently sabotage relationships with guys whom they like and the guys treat them well. That sentence above just might be the main reason why. That line of thinking is called inferiority. There is no reason why you shouldn't have a man that cares for you and shows you real love. Rid yourself of any thoughts that are opposed to that line of thinking.
surfrider4284 Posted May 26, 2011 Posted May 26, 2011 You're ALREADY snooping...and afterwards you felt bad...but only for an hour.. jesus
welikeincrowds Posted May 26, 2011 Posted May 26, 2011 That line of thinking is called inferiority. There is no reason why you shouldn't have a man that cares for you and shows you real love. Rid yourself of any thoughts that are opposed to that line of thinking. +1. It takes actual work too. You have to be actively self-aware, to stop yourself from acting when you are feeling this way -- kind of like how you just can't allow yourself to get behind the wheel while you're drunk, as a hard and fast rule that you will recall easily and don't have to question. Actions you need to prevent while "under the influence" are, for example, making negative judgments about yourself, or doing things you would regret later (e.g. snooping). But you don't want to just bottle those feelings up; you want to find a way to express/release those feelings differently. Simply admitting that you are having these feelings and difficult thoughts is a good idea. Starting this thread was a good idea! Maybe you could try a journal if you don't already? One advantage of a journal is that in looking it over, you might be able to identify a pattern to the moments that trigger your fears, which can really help you deal.
Cee Posted May 26, 2011 Posted May 26, 2011 Having insecurities and the urge to act out (impulsively break up) are things that happen, but are fleeting as emotions come and go. As long as you can enjoy him in the moment, you'll be okay. This weekend I disclosed some of my insecurities to my boyfriend. Mainly my worry about the age difference between us. His response was relaxed and casual. I couldn't understand why he was so dismissive of my fears. Then I realized I was the one with the issue, not him. And an insecurity is a thought not a fixed reality. We don't have to make our insecurities real problems. I'm glad you shared, Tigressa.
snug.bunny Posted May 26, 2011 Posted May 26, 2011 I'm going to say this in the nicest way possible.... STOP SNOOPING! First it was his clothes, then his computer, and again for a third time... Stop it!
Woggle Posted May 26, 2011 Posted May 26, 2011 I hate to say this but I think you will eventually sabotage this relationship.
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