Anna86 Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 Hi, So recently I got in touch with my ex to ask for something back. I was pretty much over him and feeling happy again. If I ran into him I would feel okay and forget about it. I no longer thought about him and I felt in control and happy.... So, I figured that I could ask for something he had of mine. Anyway, we ended up having this huge argument and me feeling hurt all over again. I realized that I have not forgiven him. I decided it was best to forget him than forgive him. And now I feel I need to forgive him in order to REALLY forget him. How can I get him to apologize and really mean it? He still denies things he done anything wrong and is still trying to cover the past. He STILL wants to portray himself as a good decent person. He isn't. We broke up 4 months ago, we aren't getting back together! So, why does he still lie? If I were him, I would call me and really apologize for all the lies and mess he caused me. We is he refusing to do this. What is wrong with a simple email even. How can I forgive someone and let go if they don't even deserve an apology? I really HATE him so much. I want to release this hate and negative energy. I hate how I look back on our 2 WONDERFUL years together (I adored him and we spent all our time together traveling). Now, all I can think of is the pain he caused me at the end. I can't even smile about all the places we went to because he was there......It hurts.......It feels like the last two years were a waste of my life because what do I have to show for them? I lost my best friend and lover.
WTRanger Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 That's because the forgiveness you seek is inside you and you alone. You can't "make" someone say they are sorry. You can't make anyone do anything, so stop trying. Read this post on the 9 Steps to forgiveness by Dr. Luskin. http://learningtoforgive.com/9-steps/ Notice in particular #6, which is to stop expecting things from other people and that you can't force people to do anything.. Though, #2 and 3# are probably the most important steps to remember. Forgiveness is within and this doesn't mean reconciling with the other person. The past 2 years is what you make of it. If you think it was a waste, then it becomes that and the hate and anger come rolling in like a storm. If you think of those years as a life experience, then you can look back with joyous remembrance at the things you experienced and learned. If you think you have nothing to show after 2 years for someone, who's fault is that? Yours and yours alone because it's your perception of the past that is skewed. The past itself is in the right spot, but the anger is clouding better judgement. You didn't lose anything either. This particular relationsip wasn't meant to be, but you didn't lose it. Being lost means you have no idea where it is, when the truth is you know where it is. It just wasn't mean to be.
Mack05 Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 Anna go to 4:00 in this clip. Here is a great clip on forgiveness.. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PLsWSiitLGw&feature=related
Author Anna86 Posted May 25, 2011 Author Posted May 25, 2011 Thank you for your replies. I shall check out both links right now!! So happy that there are some decent things to read on this subject. Just spoke to my ex, we had a real chat. Not heated or anything. The reason why I hate him is because he went off sleeping with other girls and flirting heavily with anyone a week after we broke up. This hurt me beyond belief as I coped with the break up by staying away from men. He lied to me about seeing girls after we broke up and begged me to be his friend and called me all the time. This is why I was hurt, as I didn't know he was in contact with other girls and I felt used when I found out. So, he basically apologized to me just there and told me that he went through a crazy phase after break up. He said he was so used to having me around that he hated to be alone so he got with other girls . This explains his insane out of character behavior. He is seeing a new girl he said....But he says it might end soon as he thinks she wants a relationship but he doesn't yet. He basically told me he feels lonely and bored during the week so it is nice to talk to a girl... Charming. What a user. I guess now I can forgive him a little. He is immature and can't deal with a break up like most adults. He explained his actions and for the FIRST time, didn't deny that he was an idiot and even admitted it. I do feel sorry for this new girl. He is enjoying his casual time with her and he doesn't want any commitment. He is selfish and doesn't consider HER feelings in this. I am glad to be out of his web. I think I am ready to be over this now............ One day, I hope to meet a really genuine, mature and HONEST man....I hope my day comes!!
Author Anna86 Posted May 25, 2011 Author Posted May 25, 2011 I like this part the best: http://learningtoforgive.com/9-steps/ ''The practice of forgiveness has been shown to reduce anger, hurt depression and stress and leads to greater feelings of hope, peace, compassion and self confidence. Practicing forgiveness leads to healthy relationships as well as physical health. It also influences our attitude which opens the heart to kindness, beauty, and love'' People going through anger, need to let go. It just makes u depressed and shuts us off from the rest of the world.......
MyHeartHurtsOuch Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 There's a huge error here....in order to forgive someone they do not need to apologize...that's not how it works. If you choose to forgive someone it's bc YOU CHOOSE TO FORGIVE SOMEONE...not because they are asking you to do so. So think of it this way...forgiveness is an action, not a feeling...we often think of it as a feeling. My ex for instance said he forgives me yet whenever he would see me I oculd literally see the anger and resentment in his eyes, words, and way of being around me. Forgiveness is something that you can actively decide to do. What this means is...you make an active decision in your mind or "heart" to let go of what that person did to you...you decide to basically throw what they did to you and all your bad feelings about it into a huge ocean and vow to never ever go fishing for all that again. To forgive also means to forget-as in let go...don't ever bring up again. Put in past you and leave it there. That includes the anger, the pain, you decide hey I felt the pain and I'm done now. So what they did is gone. You no longer have to look at them and be mad cause it's gone-its in the ocean now. So forgiveness depends on YOU not the other person. They cannot do anything to make you forgive them. You would have to decide to forgive them yourself.
Author Anna86 Posted May 25, 2011 Author Posted May 25, 2011 I think that is the secret there from my hearthurtsouch..... You can't wait for an apology......I never got one as such, I have begged for one in the past. I didn't ask for one tonight. I asked for honesty instead. That is the only thing I wanted from him as only then I could really let it go. I got it......He explained his actions, it makes sense to me now. It was so hard trying to hate him and despise him because I was lied to. Now I feel sorry for him. I am a lot stronger than I guessed. It would have been easier to just fall for someone else. Fill the void. I filled it with my friends, chocolate, movies and innocent flirting with men (Never went beyond that!!). I also filled it with tears, lonely nights and feelings of rejection. But I have overcome most of it now. How can you ever be happy with someone if you can't be happy feel happy alone.
sun_moon Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 Wow i hope to reach that point one day. Kind of in a Same situation, he ran to another woman after our breakup and they are most likely still together. He is in a "relationship", while I know what he's doing is trying to replace me and forget me, and will most likely not work, rebounds are just that nothibg more, it's still hurtful because he deceived me. I'm still filled with disappointment, anger, sadness, etc. I expect the same thing, admittance to his lies, an apology, just his honesty, hell I even dreamt about it I want it so bad. I don't think I will ever get it and the situation still feels like it's new but everyday is a milestone I have to Overcome. How do I cope with that till I internally feel it?
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