sydneysider1978 Posted May 28, 2011 Posted May 28, 2011 I've just read this book over the weekend and it's made so much sense to me. I had a wonderful, secure childhood but my first love was with an avoidant and ended up in heartbreak for me over 6 years. I think through this relationship I developed my attachment style as anxious, or it encouraged what was dormant in me. My second major relationships was also of the anxious-avoidant type and ended very painfully. After months and years of me suppressing my emotions and needs to maintain the status-quo. This has become what I've expected from relationships to the point where I find dating really, really stressful. It's wonderful to know that statistically, at least 50% of the population won't push my buttons like this! I've come to realise that I view avoidant behaviour, such as extreme independence and un-neediness as attractive! It's also rather lovely to know that being part of couple actually increases our well-being. We're encouraged these days to look to meet all our emotional needs ourself, I've always felt like this isn't the full picture. However, I really do think that I come across many more avoidant men than the statistics suggest. This might be part of what I've become attracted to and the fact that in the early stages of dating, they're-just-not-that-into-you and avoidant behaviour actually look pretty similar.
Kamille Posted May 28, 2011 Posted May 28, 2011 It's not a cup with a hole in the bottom. Relationships are - and should be - a daily effort to be supportive and loving of your partner. If you don't want to do that, then adopt a cat for companionship. Nuance: the way I see it, the support given in relationship isn't an effort. (At least, most of the time). I want bf to be happy, so I do support him. I love supporting him. I enjoy it. No effort. I have managed on my own until I met him, and I appreciate and am thankful for everything he does for me. While I wouldn't want to be with someone who doesn't support me, I also wouldn't want to dictate how and when I expect support.
TokyoG33kyGal Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 can someone be secure, then be anxious, go back to secure or become an avoidant depending on their partner's attachment style? cuz when i was younger i never got jealous. but from secure i become anxious because my then boyfriends will try to make me jealous to test me. but now my fiance is secure, i learned to be secure again.
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