mo mo Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 mo mo - I am classified as an anxious type, but I do share the belief that you get out of life -- and relationships -- what you put into it. My SO, though, is definitely avoidant. He tries to create all these boundaries and he always talks about needing independence. I don't feel like I'm trying to keep him from being himself, I just want to know that he is as invested in the R as I am and that I can count on him to be there. I feel like maybe the worst type you can get involved with is an avoidant, because even the concept of "working on the R" invokes a feeling of intimacy that they seem to have trouble dealing with.... Scary. Haha. I hear you. I really should be going after the anxious or secure ones. I have had plenty of opportunities to go after some anxious women over the past few years, but since I was busy with so much other stuff, I basically felt that I didn't really have the room in my life to accommodate someone like that. For example, my father was very sick about a year ago. In fact, he was in the hospital from memorial day week until the end of August, when he finally passed away. During that time there was this ultra-pretty girl at work that made it quite obvious she liked me. She was definitely anxious though. She was always worried about little things. The bottom line was that I could neither accommodate her needs nor take her seriously. Even though I am intrinsically secure, I had a lot to worry about back then. SOOO I decided to go after some of the more relaxed women. The kind of women that weren't obviously worried about their looks or maintaining super-active social lives. I discovered I did have a bit in common with them, but when it came to intimacy... yea.. totally different story. I basically shun the anxious types right now. As soon as I see a chick that is kinda bouncing around a lot and going back and forth between being cool with me and avoiding me, I disqualify her. Perhaps I should be a little more of accepting of that personality type. Arg
Fondue Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 Thank you for the great link, dood! I'm not surprised at my result. Looks like I'm: Avoidant. It is very important for you to maintain your independence and self-sufficiency, and you often prefer autonomy to intimate relationships. Even though you do want to be in a relationship, you feel uncomfortable with too much closeness and tend to keep your partner at arm's length. You don't spend much time worrying about your romantic relationships or about being rejected. You tend not to open up to your partners and they often complain that you are emotionally distant. In relationships, you are often on high alert for any signs of control or impingement on your territory by your partner. There's a way to reach greater happiness in your relationships though. In ATTACHED, we help you understand what makes you tick as an avoidant person and teach you some of the best kept secrets of secure people. This can help you move toward a more rewarding relationship. I'm not surprised at all. This is 100% correct.
Rinnix Posted May 26, 2011 Posted May 26, 2011 My result was Avoidant. My partner got Secure. Seems pretty accurate to me.
threebyfate Posted May 26, 2011 Posted May 26, 2011 Secure for me and when I did H's, his style is secure. Makes sense since our relationship runs so smoothly and while there's sometimes drama, it's always resolved quickly.
Star Gazer Posted May 26, 2011 Posted May 26, 2011 I just took the test(s) and I have an anxious attachment style. My BF is secure, so we're a very good match. Me too! Ha...
Eternal Sunshine Posted May 26, 2011 Posted May 26, 2011 My attachment style is anxious (surprise, surprise!). My boyfriend's is secure. This is probably why this was even able to last into the 4th month now. I crash and burn with avoidant guys within the first few weeks.
bluenightowl Posted May 26, 2011 Posted May 26, 2011 (edited) If you've read my posts, you know my SO and I have had tons of drama throughout the five years we've known one another. I finally found a book/theory that may explain a lot of our problems and will most definitely help if/when I ever start dating someone new. It's about attachment theory and basically there are three types of attachment styles: secure, anxious and avoidant. Anyway it explains why some people appear controlling, needy and clingy, and why others are so standoffish, aloof and sometimes hostile. There's an online quiz to determine your attachment style, and I just started reading the book. It was like a light bulb - I was literally saying "Yes, that is exactly my relationship and now I understand." Bad news is that for people like me (an anxious attachment style person) who find themselves in Rs with avoidants, there's not a good prognosis. So for those of you not yet in serious Rs, read it! Think long and hard about it and make sure you only get involved with people who will support your emotional needs! http://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=quiz-relationship-science-attachment-quiz Thanks for sharing. I think the book makes some great points about attachment. But as some others have said, I suspect its more complex that this. They do mention that although there are 3 attachment styles.. there are variations where some people can be both avoidance and anxious. One thing that is not mentioned much is whether anxious people can become avoidance people and vice versa. It does however mention that avoidance people sometimes change due to external and dramatic life events. Perhaps the best lesson that I took away from this is how they describe secure people as not needing to play games.. they tell their partner what they want or need.. instead of trying to be someone they are not. I think one does really need to get to know yourself really well, learn to be confident, and then many of these debates we see on this site.. and descriptions of how to behave won't matter so much. Just be yourself once you know yourself. Again, assuming some of this attachment theory is true, I really wonder then if many online daters are either avoidance or anxious types?.. and rebounders (which are likely one of the two) And according to the book, aside from an anxious type dating an anxious type, Avoidance-avoidance and anxious-avoidance can expect lots of drama. Edited May 26, 2011 by bluenightowl
daphne Posted May 26, 2011 Posted May 26, 2011 Wow. Don't know how it happened but I scored a secure. I thought I was more an Avoidant. I tend to attract a lot of Anxious guys who want to control me.
Eternal Sunshine Posted May 26, 2011 Posted May 26, 2011 I have heard of this theory before and apparently you can be a mix of two types. I did a longer test and scored highly on both anxious and avoidant axis - a really weird combination.
nothappyjan Posted May 26, 2011 Posted May 26, 2011 I'm anxious, which doesnt surprise me. All my exs have been avoidants. No wonder i'm anxious hehehehe
tigressA Posted May 26, 2011 Posted May 26, 2011 I have heard of this theory before and apparently you can be a mix of two types. I did a longer test and scored highly on both anxious and avoidant axis - a really weird combination. Where did you find the longer test? I have a bit of a suspicion that I might be anxious-avoidant as well.
bluenightowl Posted May 26, 2011 Posted May 26, 2011 Where did you find the longer test? I have a bit of a suspicion that I might be anxious-avoidant as well. Try here - http://www.okcupid.com/quizzy/browse It has it somewhere buried in their multitude of tests.
Jazzari Posted May 26, 2011 Posted May 26, 2011 I rated Secure and so did my bf. I was a little suprised at my result. I thought I might be anxious.
Mrlonelyone Posted May 26, 2011 Posted May 26, 2011 Well if it's possible for someone to be a little bit of more than one of those types then that makes more sense. Three mutually exclusive kinds of people simply would not account for all the variety of relationships out there.
sunshinegirl Posted May 26, 2011 Posted May 26, 2011 I scored Secure, as did my H. Like TBF this doesn't surprise me since our relationship is so good. But had I taken the test a few years ago, I probably would have scored Anxious, and I know my last failed R was with an Avoidant so it's no surprise that we crashed & burned. I attribute my change from Anxious to Secure to a lot of work on myself between relationships, as well as finding someone who gives me absolutely no reason to feel anxious.
Author stace79 Posted May 26, 2011 Author Posted May 26, 2011 Got to admit, I'm so jealous of those of you who are secure and/or are with secure people. I thought things were going alright with my SO, but last night he revealed something to me that was extremely hurtful, and it's just plainly obvious that it's another "barrier" because he is an avoidant. I'm beginning to realize that he's never going to change and he's never going to give me what I need in a relationship. And because I'm an anxious attachment style, I'm freaking out and wanting to reach out to him.
sunshinegirl Posted May 26, 2011 Posted May 26, 2011 Got to admit, I'm so jealous of those of you who are secure and/or are with secure people. I thought things were going alright with my SO, but last night he revealed something to me that was extremely hurtful, and it's just plainly obvious that it's another "barrier" because he is an avoidant. I'm beginning to realize that he's never going to change and he's never going to give me what I need in a relationship. And because I'm an anxious attachment style, I'm freaking out and wanting to reach out to him. Stace, as you'll see from my post, I wasn't always Secure, but I am today. You sound almost like you are resigned to trying to make an Anxious-Avoidant relationship work and/or that you don't think you can change or do better in terms of attachment style. I can say for sure that you cannot expect your partner to change. If your relationship doesn't work as-is (sounds like you've been on-again-off-again for years?), how long are you going to stick around hoping (most likely in vain) for a better tomorrow? I learned this the hard way: Love isn't enough.
Author stace79 Posted May 26, 2011 Author Posted May 26, 2011 Stace, as you'll see from my post, I wasn't always Secure, but I am today. You sound almost like you are resigned to trying to make an Anxious-Avoidant relationship work and/or that you don't think you can change or do better in terms of attachment style. I can say for sure that you cannot expect your partner to change. If your relationship doesn't work as-is (sounds like you've been on-again-off-again for years?), how long are you going to stick around hoping (most likely in vain) for a better tomorrow? I learned this the hard way: Love isn't enough. You are right. But sometimes for me it's almost a compulsion to try and make it work. When I get really angry with him in the heat of the moment, I might say and think that I never want to see him again. I do know I deserve better than what I'm getting from him. But then today, it's almost like my nervous system is on overdrive, just praying he will call or text or anything to prove he loves me. Even when we've broken up and I've thought it was for good, one or both of us always reaches out again in a few months or so and we end up in the same exact pattern. I haven't figured out how to end this cycle. yet.
sunshinegirl Posted May 26, 2011 Posted May 26, 2011 You are right. But sometimes for me it's almost a compulsion to try and make it work. When I get really angry with him in the heat of the moment, I might say and think that I never want to see him again. I do know I deserve better than what I'm getting from him. But then today, it's almost like my nervous system is on overdrive, just praying he will call or text or anything to prove he loves me. Even when we've broken up and I've thought it was for good, one or both of us always reaches out again in a few months or so and we end up in the same exact pattern. I haven't figured out how to end this cycle. yet. With due respect, ending the cycle isn't that hard: break up and go hardcore no-contact. What's hard is figuring out why you are drawn to the drama in the first place, and thus keep getting sucked back in to a clearly unhealthy dynamic. That was the hard work I had to do on myself to break the pattern. Don't worry though, if you're not ready to end the drama it just means you haven't hit rock bottom yet. When it finally hurts so much that you say to yourself "Enough! I refuse to keep putting myself back in these situations that inevitably lead to pain and confusion! I deserve better!"... THAT is when you'll be ready to do what it takes to stop the merry-go-round.
tigressA Posted May 26, 2011 Posted May 26, 2011 You are right. But sometimes for me it's almost a compulsion to try and make it work. When I get really angry with him in the heat of the moment, I might say and think that I never want to see him again. I do know I deserve better than what I'm getting from him. But then today, it's almost like my nervous system is on overdrive, just praying he will call or text or anything to prove he loves me. Even when we've broken up and I've thought it was for good, one or both of us always reaches out again in a few months or so and we end up in the same exact pattern. I haven't figured out how to end this cycle. yet. I was in a bit of a pickle like yours in my last relationship. We weren't together for even 6 months, but we had broken up twice, the second time being the last. He is an avoidant, and also one of the biggest a**holes I've ever been unfortunate enough to encounter--he cheated on me the whole time we were dating, and much of the dynamic between us was borderline abusive. Even after I dumped him we found reasons to reach out to each other. I had even considered taking him on as a f*ck buddy and then screwing him over. Ridiculous. I have numerous threads about him and our relationship here on LS (some are hundreds of posts long) and it took me awhile to realize I was doing myself no favors by continuing to interact with him. Since you've been on and off for years, it seems like you might be the type to only learn a lesson and get out of a bad situation once things have hit bottom. I say, "Better late than never" but on the other hand, you never know when things will hit bottom in your opinion. It could happen tomorrow; it could happen years from now and you'll feel like you've wasted your life. My anxious style does sometimes cast ill effects upon my current relationship, even though my BF is a very good, understanding man. Our relationship would be absolutely amazing if I were more of a secure person, and that is what I am working on. It's good to be with a secure person, sure, but it's absolutely best to BE secure, yourself.
Kamille Posted May 26, 2011 Posted May 26, 2011 Got to admit, I'm so jealous of those of you who are secure and/or are with secure people. I thought things were going alright with my SO, but last night he revealed something to me that was extremely hurtful, and it's just plainly obvious that it's another "barrier" because he is an avoidant. I'm beginning to realize that he's never going to change and he's never going to give me what I need in a relationship. And because I'm an anxious attachment style, I'm freaking out and wanting to reach out to him. Stace, as you'll see from my post, I wasn't always Secure, but I am today. You sound almost like you are resigned to trying to make an Anxious-Avoidant relationship work and/or that you don't think you can change or do better in terms of attachment style. I can say for sure that you cannot expect your partner to change. If your relationship doesn't work as-is (sounds like you've been on-again-off-again for years?), how long are you going to stick around hoping (most likely in vain) for a better tomorrow? I learned this the hard way: Love isn't enough. I looked at the test. I now test as secure but would have likely tested as anxious and or avoidant in past relationships. While bf certainly deserves credit for making me feel secure in our R, the biggest reason I went from anxious to secure is because I have changed. Like SSG, I worked hard on myself, on trying to identify my triggers and on not acting out of anxiety, but rather acting out of rational thought processes. My point is: You are not doomed to have an anxious attachment style for life. If you want to be secure, aim to be secure. The test can give you clues as to how "secure" personalities react to different scenarios.
vsmini Posted May 26, 2011 Posted May 26, 2011 I looked at the test. I now test as secure but would have likely tested as anxious and or avoidant in past relationships. While bf certainly deserves credit for making me feel secure in our R, the biggest reason I went from anxious to secure is because I have changed. Like SSG, I worked hard on myself, on trying to identify my triggers and on not acting out of anxiety, but rather acting out of rational thought processes. My point is: You are not doomed to have an anxious attachment style for life. If you want to be secure, aim to be secure. The test can give you clues as to how "secure" personalities react to different scenarios. Kamille So weird - I was about to post almost the same thing! Don't have to now. I have to second all of it but especially not being doomed to have a certain attachement style for life.
Banker Chick Posted May 26, 2011 Posted May 26, 2011 You are right. But sometimes for me it's almost a compulsion to try and make it work. When I get really angry with him in the heat of the moment, I might say and think that I never want to see him again. I do know I deserve better than what I'm getting from him. But then today, it's almost like my nervous system is on overdrive, just praying he will call or text or anything to prove he loves me. Even when we've broken up and I've thought it was for good, one or both of us always reaches out again in a few months or so and we end up in the same exact pattern. I haven't figured out how to end this cycle. yet. Wow, I could have written this post. I'm anxious and my bf is avoidant. We have been dating for over a year and 1/2 and I'm really at the end of my rope. I'm finally realizing he can't give me what I need and vice versa and we need to move on. That doesn't make him a bad person, just not the person for me. I do love the guy but I can't spend the rest of my life being with someone that magnifies relationship insecurities I already have. Yes, I do know he loves me like crazy but because we are so different we are constantly at odds and it's just not working. I am in counseling to help with my insecurities and I've been in healthy relationships in the past, so I know it can be done, just not with an avoidant It really sucks, especially when you love each other, but I really want to be with someone that is capable of making me feel loved and secure.
daphne Posted May 26, 2011 Posted May 26, 2011 Got to admit, I'm so jealous of those of you who are secure and/or are with secure people. I thought things were going alright with my SO, but last night he revealed something to me that was extremely hurtful, and it's just plainly obvious that it's another "barrier" because he is an avoidant. I'm beginning to realize that he's never going to change and he's never going to give me what I need in a relationship. And because I'm an anxious attachment style, I'm freaking out and wanting to reach out to him. I can't tell from your vague post if he said something intentionally or unintentionally painful. As someone who has definitely been avoidant in the past (and suspect still am,) I think that they get a bad rap if they're not extreme. I think ultimately, you just don't want to lose your independence or get too wrapped up in someone else's overly developed needs. You feel sucked dry by that experience. I used to be anxious, and I can imagine I put a couple of my exes through hell with that. Then I switched to avoidant later. I guess now I'm a bit more balanced, since I will actually communicate needs & I don't run from intimacy. I would never, ever want to be anxious again. I would work on that, if you can. Because if this current bf isn't meetng your needs (again, I don't know what he said,) then a lot of guys won't because it's draining to try to fill a cup up that has a hole in the bottom.
Author stace79 Posted May 27, 2011 Author Posted May 27, 2011 Because if this current bf isn't meetng your needs (again, I don't know what he said,) then a lot of guys won't because it's draining to try to fill a cup up that has a hole in the bottom. It's not a cup with a hole in the bottom. Relationships are - and should be - a daily effort to be supportive and loving of your partner. If you don't want to do that, then adopt a cat for companionship.
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