surfrider4284 Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 So I just got back from a very successful second date last night with the girl I've been seeing recently. Everything went great, ended the night with a very solid kiss, have plans to hang out this weekend. We went out last week to a pretty nice restaurant, I of course paid. Last night, although she suggested we get together again, I did pick the place out. It did happen to be a pretty nice place. So anyhow, I wasn't sure if she was going to pick up the tab. When the bill came it sat there for about 10 seconds because we were in the middle of talking. It was clear she wasn't going to pick it up, so I did. Ok, no big deal. I really don't want to have to pay her way every single time we go out. At what point (or how many dates) would you expect a girl to start picking up tabs? Is it too soon to expect her to get a tab? I'm really not a cheap guy whatsoever, I just honestly wouldn't want to date/be with someone who just wants everything paid for them forever. As an additional note, she makes pretty good money and can definitely afford it...
Kampo Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 My rule is whoever asks for the date should expect to pay for it. but if I haven't gotten offer for at least going dutch by date 3 she better be putting out lmao
2sure Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 Ive been dating again a bit recently and my "method" seems to be picking up the tab on the third date. Not sure there is any significance to it, just what I do. If a guy refuses to let me pick it up or I think he will..then I buy tickets to something in advance. Give her another shot, if she offers to pay for nothing ...she probably isnt going to. And while thats fine for some, it isnt fine for you.
orion1010 Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 So I just got back from a very successful second date last night with the girl I've been seeing recently. Everything went great, ended the night with a very solid kiss, have plans to hang out this weekend. We went out last week to a pretty nice restaurant, I of course paid. Last night, although she suggested we get together again, I did pick the place out. It did happen to be a pretty nice place. So anyhow, I wasn't sure if she was going to pick up the tab. When the bill came it sat there for about 10 seconds because we were in the middle of talking. It was clear she wasn't going to pick it up, so I did. Ok, no big deal. I really don't want to have to pay her way every single time we go out. At what point (or how many dates) would you expect a girl to start picking up tabs? Is it too soon to expect her to get a tab? I'm really not a cheap guy whatsoever, I just honestly wouldn't want to date/be with someone who just wants everything paid for them forever. As an additional note, she makes pretty good money and can definitely afford it... As a woman, I always get unconfortable when the bill comes.. I've offered to pay or help and I've been told no. The last guy I dated for example, we were out drinking and he kept paying for my drinks. I tried saying no, but he insisted. Then finally I just bought the next round when he was starting to run low by just doing and not asking. It made me feel better to take the presure off of him. It's so awkward for some women b/c when they do offer, men say no.. but if we don't.. we are accused of being cheap. So some of women just lay off for the first couple dates until we are more comfortable. I always try to pitch in by the drinks at least. I'll just say something like "will you let me by you a drink?" and the guy will say sure!
Author surfrider4284 Posted May 25, 2011 Author Posted May 25, 2011 Gotcha..well that provides a little clarity. I guess I'll give her a couple more dates to see if she'll start picking anything up. Shes great in every other way and we have a ton of chemistry...I dont know if this is a deal breaker in and of itself. Shes very independent and a hard worker, so it strikes me as odd that she'd want a guy to cover her all the time, but i guess time will tell..
guy777 Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 Dude you are a cheap ass. Starting picking lower end places that aren't going to break you bankroll. Be thankful she is letting you pickup the tab. If she didn't want you to ravage her, she wouldn't be doing that. It's way more romantic for them if you pay. You almost blew it with that 10 second wait thing, but looks like you might have made it through OK. She'll pay you back with buying you bigger gifts eventually. Just make sure you keep picking up the tab and bringing her small gifts. And seriously, find some less expensive stuff to do if you are feeling uncomfortable about paying the bill.
guy777 Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 I always try to pitch in by the drinks at least. I'll just say something like "will you let me by you a drink?" and the guy will say sure! For me, I prefer women just showing up with rounds and other goodies at some point. For example, if you have to go to the restroom at the ballgame or a concert, come back with beer. And keep finding other like scenarios. Of course most of you women who aren't selfish already naturally do this because you like thinking about your man.
Author surfrider4284 Posted May 25, 2011 Author Posted May 25, 2011 Dude you are a cheap ass. Starting picking lower end places that aren't going to break you bankroll. Be thankful she is letting you pickup the tab. If she didn't want you to ravage her, she wouldn't be doing that. It's way more romantic for them if you pay. You almost blew it with that 10 second wait thing, but looks like you might have made it through OK. She'll pay you back with buying you bigger gifts eventually. Just make sure you keep picking up the tab and bringing her small gifts. And seriously, find some less expensive stuff to do if you are feeling uncomfortable about paying the bill. It's not that my bankroll is being broken. It's not about that. It's about wanting to find a girl who doesn't want someone to take care of them their whole life. I like someone who is independent and willing to be an equal. Not some girl who is just going to sit back and expect everything handed to her her whole life. I'm cool continuing to pick up the tab. I just don't want to be with someone who is going to expect to be taken care of her ENTIRE life without contributing anything. Shes a very pretty girl, so it makes me more suspect that she might be the type..but again, time will tell.
guy777 Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 I just don't want to be with someone who is going to expect to be taken care of her ENTIRE life without contributing anything. Shes a very pretty girl, so it makes me more suspect that she might be the type..but again, time will tell. If it's real, you are going to want to take care of her your ENTIRE life. You have my two cents, make your decision which way you want to go.
kiss_andmakeup Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 I always offer to pay my share. And not just the half-assed, "Oh, I'm going to act like I'm reaching for my wallet really slowly and wait for him to tell me he's got it." I actually remove my wallet from my purse, open it, and ask to see the bill or how much I "owe." And I do it with full intention of paying my own share. I will say that, in my somewhat limited dating experience, I've almost always been turned down; especially on the first and second dates. Usually by the third date the guy will perhaps let me pay for dinner, or at least buy him a few drinks afterward. I've only very recently (as in within the past two weeks) started dating again (for the first time in several years) so I was curious about this same issue. All women are different. I did date one guy (probably about 3 years ago) who agreed to split the bill on the first date. If anything I was surprised, but I still went out with him again. For some women that would be a deal-breaker I suppose.
Kampo Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 All women are different. I did date one guy (probably about 3 years ago) who agreed to split the bill on the first date. If anything I was surprised, but I still went out with him again. For some women that would be a deal-breaker I suppose. its funny you mention that you mention this first date if a women offers to split I'll take that as a good sign but will always insist on paying. only time I would take her up on the offer to split is when I have no intention of going out on a second date with her and just figure i'll save some money lmao
kiss_andmakeup Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 its funny you mention that you mention this first date if a women offers to split I'll take that as a good sign but will always insist on paying. only time I would take her up on the offer to split is when I have no intention of going out on a second date with her and just figure i'll save some money lmao That's what's interesting about that particular scenario, is that the guy I mentioned (who allowed me to split on the first date) was definitely interested. He asked me out again, in fact I think we went on three dates in total, before I broke it off with him because I didn't feel we had much in common and wanted to pursue other options.
627 Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 I never went past a second date... ever I always pay but I appreciate women who offer to pay their share. and if they don't offer(and they just sit there idly while I pick it up) I take it as a real bad sign, the woman is either cheap or arrogant or sees me as santa clause
thatone Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 Dude you are a cheap ass. Starting picking lower end places that aren't going to break you bankroll. Be thankful she is letting you pickup the tab. If she didn't want you to ravage her, she wouldn't be doing that. It's way more romantic for them if you pay. You almost blew it with that 10 second wait thing, but looks like you might have made it through OK. She'll pay you back with buying you bigger gifts eventually. Just make sure you keep picking up the tab and bringing her small gifts. And seriously, find some less expensive stuff to do if you are feeling uncomfortable about paying the bill. i was thinking the same thing. you're not paying her rent and bills here. you're buying a dinner and a few drinks ffs. get over it.
vsmini Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 I wouldn't worry at this point...but by the 3rd or 4th date she hasn't even offered to pick it up and/or split it...then maybe you ask her to split it. She should get the hint.
Author surfrider4284 Posted May 25, 2011 Author Posted May 25, 2011 ^ yeah, I think that's the best approach. I'm totally cool with her not paying the past two times. Hell, she could not pay the next two times and I'd be fine. I just dont want a chick who wants a free ride her entire life..just not what I'm looking for. Can I afford it? Yeah, does that mean I still think I should pay for everything for the remainder of our time together? No. I'll wait it out and see how it goes.
vsmini Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 She might be coming out of the last relationship where the guy was a total cheapskate and she wants to know the guy she's dating now is willing to pick up the tab. Is that fair to you? Maybe not Could she be old fashioned? Maybe I make good money and now split everything with my BF right down the middle but in the beginning I let him pay for me because...well...I like the courting process and knowing that I'm with a guy that will pay at first. Some people might say that makes me outdated but...it's what I like. On the 3rd date I offered to pay and he insisted he pay for it and on the 4th date he insisted again but I said I insisted that I pay for it. Come back to us if she's still letting the bill sit there after date 4.
D-Lish Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 Some guys feel emasculated when you offer to pay- I've run into that in the past. I always offer to pay my fair share- but it becomes tiresome if a guy is always nickling and diming the bill. You've suggested the dates and where to go, so it's not unreasonable for her to expect you to pay. I think it's a little presumptious to ask a woman to a bit of a pricey restaurant and then hope she'll pay. I would think it the same if she had asked and suggested the restaurant. With my ex, we probably split thing 60/40- but he made more than I did, and I often surprised him with gifts.
vsmini Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 my ex was awful - and I totally allowed him to take advantage of me financially. I'm a subway girl and he would often argue that we should take cabs because it would be faster...and then when it was time to pay the meter he would ask me for money since he didn't have cash on him. Boo. I admit I made sure the next guy I dated was able to pay for the first few dates - I wasn't sucking myself back into that cash vortex.
sanskrit Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 My rule is whoever asks for the date should expect to pay for it. but if I haven't gotten offer for at least going dutch by date 3 she better be putting out lmao Layaway prostitution, interesting concept
PhillyDude Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 That's what's interesting about that particular scenario, is that the guy I mentioned (who allowed me to split on the first date) was definitely interested. He asked me out again, in fact I think we went on three dates in total, before I broke it off with him because I didn't feel we had much in common and wanted to pursue other options. And see this is why I don't like to date because women get to experience a FREE OUTING why she decides if the guy is for her. Then after he foots the bill for 3 dates, she will all of a sudden decide that she wants to pursue other options. Makes no sense
vsmini Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 And see this is why I don't like to date because women get to experience a FREE OUTING why she decides if the guy is for her. Then after he foots the bill for 3 dates, she will all of a sudden decide that she wants to pursue other options. Makes no sense Dating is a risk. I never look at it as a FREE OUTING. I don't go into it saying "how can i take advantage of this guy?" And don't forget - men are also deciding if the girl is for him as well. That's what dating is...to decide if the two of you are right for one another. Does footing the bill mean a guy or girl has to stay with someone just because they are paying? No. I think in your case - to make sure there is no resentment you should be up front with the girl about splitting the tab from the get-go and she can take it or leave it.
PhillyDude Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 If I date someone with a car I already know that her paying for ANYTHING is not up for discussin because of the gas she is using to go to the place and for me to make up for the fact I don't have a car-lol
sanskrit Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 OP, there are subtle ways to let women know your expectations. Most women I have dated offer to split the first tab, I respond, "Hey if you'd like to ask me out sometime, that would be a great treat." Works very well, amazingly well actually. If they haven't asked me out or to make a dinner for me or haven't done something assertive and nice after several dates, then it's probably time to move on to other options. But I can't stand completely passive women, so alter to your own tastes. Philly Dude, the way to avoid the very real issue you describe is to make sure early dates are something you want to do too, and would have done anyway with friends if not on a date.
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