Author Jadestone Posted May 25, 2011 Author Posted May 25, 2011 Thanks better deal. Dude is as thoughtful as they have come- so far. This is why it made it easy for me to be sweet. It just seems he has already gotten comfortable so he feels he can be a brat. He also has 5 sisters. So I think he has dramatic tendencies. I on the other hand have 3 brothers. So he is the only guy among his siblings, and I am the only girl. He may not be as thoughtful as I originally thought, or he might just be more emotional. Yes- we were up late. Yes- he works A LOT! Regardless though- I'm not a morning person either. Yet- from my past exp Nd the things I have learned- I'm doing my best to not take things out on the guy I am with. That's one thing I enjoy about my past- I learn from it. Good. Bad. Indifferent. What I have learned from him so far is that he picks up the slack if I am honest and give him freedom to be himself and make his own choices. Usually men take advantage of this part of my personality. If I want to spend time with a guy, and he wants to spend time with his friends- bc I understand (bc I am independent) I just tell them to do whatever makes them happy. Most guys go to the extreme and neglect the r/ship. So far he has been able to balance work, friends, and me quite well. Basically- I want to make sure I'm not making up excuses for his behavior, and that I'm not nagging him to be something he isn't. Bc I know I can be a handful and require a lot of freedom in a r/ship- I do a lot of understanding bc it's the way I would want someone to treat me. I also don't want to jump to conclusions and say he is like every guy in my past bc, aside from being bratty at times and the walking out thing- he is quite different. I can be a very impulsive and extreme person if I am not grounded in my logic. What I am tryin to accomplish is not jumping from one extreme to the other. So the only conclusion that I have come to- so far- is taking time alone to breathe, think, and just be. I'm in a really really good place mentally in my life. I want to maintain this positive kick that I've been on. Letting things unfold naturally without stress has been working out beautifully. I want to continue going about things in this manner, and can't find any other solution other than taking some time to myself and not worry about where him and I are going, his personality, and yadda yadda. Would this be considered avoidance though?
Author Jadestone Posted May 25, 2011 Author Posted May 25, 2011 I just want to maintain doing what's best for me now and in the long run.
D-Lish Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 I just want to maintain doing what's best for me now and in the long run. Sounds like you already know how to do that, which is a good thing. It's only been a month, so there is no reason to put any pressure on yourself with expectations. This is a time to get to know one another and have fun! The biggest mistake I made in my last relationship was placing the expectation of my own happiness in his lap. I kinda did make him the center of my world. I've learned the hard way that I placed a lot of pressure on him by doing so. Next time around I am going to make sure I maintain my independence. There is nothing selfish about looking after you. It's all about balance really.
Author Jadestone Posted May 25, 2011 Author Posted May 25, 2011 Yes he's considerate and caring. He got these candies for me bc he knew I liked them. He communicates well with me. We are a pretty good team. Our friend lives next door to me and he heard me say on the phone I didn't feel like hoping the fence, so he drove us over there. He cooks dinner for me if he knows I'm working late at the salon. He does eat b/fast. We are both personal trainers so eating is a big deal- especially every so many hours. He also enjoys and knows I like camping and rock climbing so he tries to make time for us to do those things. He likes my other friends, art, and music. I know most would say that's how it should be- but for me it's very refreshing. I have been neglected w other guys and settled. Aside from these bratty tendencies he is more mature than most guys I have dated. Actually more mature than ALL of the guys I have dated. He is very self motivated and I enjoy that. What I'm starting to realize is- his self assertiveness, if not harnessed in a healthy manner- comes off bratty.
Author Jadestone Posted May 25, 2011 Author Posted May 25, 2011 D-lish, the first time dude and I went out, we talked about r/ships. I ran into him 2 mos after my ex and I broke up. Even though I knew we weren't right for each other- I wasn't interested in anything but working and making that dough. While we both kept discussion of our ex's light, bc it just wasn't relevant at the time- he said something I found very interesting and have remembered since. It should not be, you make me happy- but rather- I am happy when I am with you.
Author Jadestone Posted May 25, 2011 Author Posted May 25, 2011 I meant, the ex and I were wrong for each other.
D-Lish Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 Yes he's considerate and caring. He got these candies for me bc he knew I liked them. He communicates well with me. We are a pretty good team. Our friend lives next door to me and he heard me say on the phone I didn't feel like hoping the fence, so he drove us over there. He cooks dinner for me if he knows I'm working late at the salon. He does eat b/fast. We are both personal trainers so eating is a big deal- especially every so many hours. He also enjoys and knows I like camping and rock climbing so he tries to make time for us to do those things. He likes my other friends, art, and music. I know most would say that's how it should be- but for me it's very refreshing. I have been neglected w other guys and settled. Aside from these bratty tendencies he is more mature than most guys I have dated. Actually more mature than ALL of the guys I have dated. He is very self motivated and I enjoy that. What I'm starting to realize is- his self assertiveness, if not harnessed in a healthy manner- comes off bratty. That's a positive! I wondered if it was mostly you doing the "giving"! Since it's on a more reciprocal level, that's a good thing. He didn't handle the walking out thing very well- hopefully he can learn to respond differently when he's grouchy. Even if he just learns to say "I'm feeling grouchy"... and that way you learn to give him space during those times.
spiderowl Posted May 26, 2011 Posted May 26, 2011 These things are bugging you and the guy won't discuss them with you. Walking out without communicating may well be his modus operandi in relationships. What happens next time you have a disagreement? It doesn't sound as if he is prepared to listen to you. He's indicated he wants to move on - does that mean he discussed things with you after all, or just that it's another way of him saying 'I don't want to talk about it'. Guys who shut you out when you need to communicate with them over an issue are bad news. If this pattern doesn't change, I'd reconsider this relationship.
Author Jadestone Posted May 26, 2011 Author Posted May 26, 2011 Update: all is well between me and dude. Since I did not contact him as often since he threw his fit- it gave him time to think. Communication was opened and I was not shut out after all. Giving him space, and myself space was the best method. I won't be waiting for this to happen again, but if it does- that would be the true test. I'll stay positive though and say, if we go trough this again it will be handled in a less dramatic manner. Living and loving the moment until then. This is exciting for me bc I'm trying new ways of dealing with conflict and they seem to be working very well. Thank you so much for taking the time to write me- everyone. I've been coming to this site since my last r/ship and I find it very helpful in time of "stress" or concern. It's a good place to work out the bugs wout tossing them onto someone.
orion1010 Posted May 26, 2011 Posted May 26, 2011 Sorry Jade, but honestly, you're playing MOMMY! with all that bolded stuff - you're mommy. no one wants to f**k mommy. you make his breakfast and lunch, warn him that he needs to get up or its gonna get cold, and then go after him to hand him the lunch he left behind when he walked off like a brat - yeah, that's mommy alright. Hon, don't cater to someone that hasn't even so much as earned it - you're been dating this guy for 1 month - I doubt he's earned it. Also, the fact that it sounds like you called him to ask if he calmed down is just terrible, he made the mistake, you shouldn't be calling & checking up on him and all that crap. I'm not into games, and really what I'm telling you above isn't about game play, but you need to better evaluate who is worth your effort and your very sweet deeds. I'm not trying to sound mean or put you down, but I was just so amazed when I was reading your story. Its awesome to do nice things for a guy you're with - but you need to ease up on the mommy stuff. I don't think she was playing "mommy". In my experience, men love these little things you do for them. The guys I've dated work their ass of and appreciate good meals to get them through the day. Before he left, he should have just said, "im sorry babe, I'm just cranky today. I promise when you see me next, I will be in a better mood. thank you". Then should would have understood. But he acted like a child and ran out like a spoiled brat. Watch, in a month, she will post that he complains she doesn't do the things she used to like making his lunch or cooking for him. It's because of his pity me, poor little me... cranky ass attitude. If a man takes advantage of me when I'm trying to be sweet and were to treat me like that, I would stop all the little things I do for him. Make you're own damn coffee and breakfast then or starve.
lolo1234 Posted May 26, 2011 Posted May 26, 2011 I dunno maybe I'm just a b* but why ate you making him breakfast and lunch? You haven't been with him that long and you ate already acting like his mother. It's not your responsibility to take care if him and get him up for work. I would be annoyed too. Plus if you ate putting in all this extra effort to take care of him you better believe he won't appreciate it ... You are going to end up feeling like crap but he probabl never expected you to do these kinds of things for him.
You'reasian Posted May 26, 2011 Posted May 26, 2011 (edited) I've been dating an amazing guy for a month now. We are very compatiable and I really enjoy his company. I have an issues though. His alarm kept going off- and after 45 minutes of letting him sleep in, I started to get playful, and announced that his breakfast was getting cold. Because he was annoyed, he felt the appropriate response was to get dressed, grab his bag, grab his bfast (leaving his steaming coffee behind) and just rudely walk out the door. Any thoughts? I'd really love to hear from the guys. We're missing his side of the story. Are you projecting some assumptions in there? When we assume...well, you know what that makes an @ss of lol I am not him and do not know his situation, but if I've slept in and am late - I will move very quickly to get dressed and out the door because being late to work can have very negative consequences. If said consequences meant losing a responsibility (pay check) and he is the primary bread winner, I would chalk it up to him not sleeping well and moving as quickly as possible to get to work. Remember, the global economy has been in a slump for almost 2 years now. Most women are more analytical than men and usually put two and two together in these kinds of social situations. Edited May 26, 2011 by You'reasian
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