Jadestone Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 I've been dating an amazing guy for a month now. We are very compatiable and I really enjoy his company. I have an issues though. His alarm went off early in the morning for work. I ended up waking up to make him breakfast as well as lunch. I am very playful when I wake him up, and usually he enjoys it. This time he became annoyed. His alarm kept going off- and after 45 minutes of letting him sleep in, I started to get playful, and announced that his breakfast was getting cold. Because he was annoyed, he felt the appropriate response was to get dressed, grab his bag, grab his bfast (leaving his steaming coffee behind) and just rudely walk out the door. I went after him to hand him the lunch I had made, but was not interested in chasing him down or anything else dramatic. After a few hours of letting him cool down I asked if his mood had improved. He said yes and apologized for being grumpy. I eventually told him if he wanted mento start thinking he didn't respect me, walking out on me was a good start. Was my reaction over the top? I have a serious hang up with this behavior because I don't won't to repeat my old patterns. I've had those guys that walk out on me, and I've chased them- and it never works. It is early enough in the game to back out if I feel the need, and it's too early for this drama. But I am thankful it has surfaced so I know this trait is there. Any thoughts? I'd really love to hear from the guys.
Author Jadestone Posted May 25, 2011 Author Posted May 25, 2011 I appreciate the response, and with all due respect- I can't agree with you. I really care about him. I'm just looking at this to be too soon for such dramatic actions. This IS THE FUN time. It's too soon to take a person for granted. I have dated quite a few jerks, and I am doing my best to notice red flags rather than make up excuses or ignore them. So maybe someone who is interested in seeing where I am coming from and give an appropriate non judgmental response can answer me- I'd enjoy that greatly.
runner Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 I eventually told him if he wanted mento start thinking he didn't respect me, walking out on me was a good start. Was my reaction over the top? i don't think so. i think you need to draw the line on how you wish to be treated, no matter how 'amazing' he seemed at first. and i hope his apology was truly sincere because if not, then he kinda seems like a user- and that behaviour gets worse if you allow it.
runner Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 ... I really care about him. I'm just looking at this to be too soon for such dramatic actions. This IS THE FUN time. It's too soon to take a person for granted. I have dated quite a few jerks, and I am doing my best to notice red flags rather than make up excuses or ignore them. . you have the right idea ^ proceed with caution.
Author Jadestone Posted May 25, 2011 Author Posted May 25, 2011 You already see him as a jerk who is taking advantage of you and you have emotionally moved on. All you really want from us is to stamp your passport so you can physically depart. This is a valid opinion. And also one of my concerns. I would not say I've given him a label though. All I know is the type of guys I have attracted in my past, and so yes, I am "proceeding with caution." And frankly- all you know about this guy is what I have addressed in these few paragraphs. Everyone has their quirks- but r/ships must maintain mutual respect and open communication. I have settled far too many times. I am a very understanding and giving person. Before my heart gets too involved- I feel it's best to keep my eyes open.
Ruby Slippers Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 Because he was annoyed, he felt the appropriate response was to get dressed, grab his bag, grab his bfast (leaving his steaming coffee behind) and just rudely walk out the door. This is callous and thoughtless behavior, no matter how early it is and how tired you are. He was taking out his irritation on you, when you were only doing sweet things for him. And yeah, if he's already treating you that way after a month, just think how he'll be treating you in a year.
betterdeal Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 Sounds like a good response by you, in my opinion. You know where your line is drawn, you made it clear to him where it is, what more can one expect? If it were me, in my more hot-headed days, I'd have appreciated the feedback, and it may have spurred me on to find better ways to behave in similar situations.
heartshaped Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 When you say you are playful when you wake him up, what exactly do you mean by that? I'm not a morning person at all. If you talk to me or wake me up in the mornings, I will give you the death glare. I sincerely hope that, that doesn't make me a horrible undateable person. My point being is not everyone is sugar and spice and everything nice all of the time. Was he passive aggressive? Yes. Did he actually insult you or call you names? No. It sounds like you are letting your past influence your present. I think you were right to call him out on his behavior, but it surely isn't a reason to write this guy off.
maysj18 Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 I'm not a morning person, either. Far from it, in fact. When people antagonize me in the morning, saying things like "Wake up sleeeepyyyheadd!!!" I get really mad. That stuff is annoying; HOWEVER, the fact that he didn't thank you breakfast or grab his lunch after you woke up that early just to fix it for him was out of line. Is it a deal breaker? No way, but his behavior during those few minutes was rude and you had a right to say something; however, your reaction was a bit harsh. You said he's amazing, but yet one tiny little outburst and you're trying to label him a jerk. Nothing he did should earn him the label of a "bad guy".
kiss_andmakeup Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 Holy crap; you've only been dating for a month and he was this much of a grouch to you?! It was extremely sweet of you to make him breakfast (AND lunch!!) and he treated you the way a spoiled, bratty teenager treats his mom in the morning. Morning person or not, that's pretty uncalled for. Your relationship is new; most men are still very much on their "best behavior" at one month in. So if this is his "best behavior," imagine how things will look down the road...
nyc_guy2003 Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 Have you ever tried bj'ing him awake in the morning? That technique has a 100% success rate of getting me out of bed. And if you want to be completely sure, don't swallow but instead make him release all over himself so he will have to get up and take a shower.
Author Jadestone Posted May 25, 2011 Author Posted May 25, 2011 Lol NYC guy. I'm positive he would enjoy that in the morning. Well to be fair- my usual cute ways of waking him up was a bit annoying this time. I give him that. I don't expect him to be a saint, bc I myself am not one. Actually, the reason why I'm so close to him is we've had similar loses in life and hardships. We are also both straight forward and sarcastic. I'm very aware that this is something I have NEVER witnessed. My main concern was him walking out on me. It brought up a lot of emotions/issues, and I want to deal with them in the healthiest way I can. He knows where I stand, and he has voiced that he is ready to move on from the topic. To be honest. I'm not ready- and I have not said anything about it. Right now I'm confused. So he is the type of person who lags when coming over. It doesn't bother me- bc our mutual guy friends are the same way. So I've learned that when he says and hr- there is a grace period of close to 2 or more. To make a long story short- last wk he was not clear about showing up at my house. Naturally I took my time- bc 1) if I was going to see him, I felt like he would lag a bit. 2) he didn't even tell me he was coming over. Anyway- I show up at my house and he's there and he's doing the brat thing. I kept my cool, but couldn't help but feel it's a little unfair. He constantly lags, but the minute I do- I'm having to hear him whine. And since the day he walked out on me- these little things that I said I would address only if I had to again- in the moment- are starting to get under my skin. So- until I figure out what is going on inside of my head, I think I should take some time to myself. Obviously he is not interested in talking about walking out, and at this point I don't feel safe talking about the rest of this stuff. So space might be the best path to take? Hopefully I'll come to some conclusions.
betterdeal Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 I'll be honest and say I am surprised you made him lunch. Not that there's anything wrong with that, per se, just that it wouldn't occur to me that a woman I'd been shagging for a month would do my catering. Different strokes for different folks.
Author Jadestone Posted May 25, 2011 Author Posted May 25, 2011 Haha well truthfully I like making people's lives easier if I can. We knew each other in highschool and we have mutual friends. So I guess making him feel comfortable in my home is just something I do for all of my friends. I do my best to treat people the way I would want to be treated- regardless of their tie to me. I am Asian (mixed), but I was raised by my asian side to always be helpful and accommodating. My mom's side are a bunch of hillbillies- so they taught me how to be wild and fight with fists.
TigerCub Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 I've been dating an amazing guy for a month now. We are very compatiable and I really enjoy his company. I have an issues though. His alarm went off early in the morning for work. I ended up waking up to make him breakfast as well as lunch. I am very playful when I wake him up, and usually he enjoys it. This time he became annoyed. His alarm kept going off- and after 45 minutes of letting him sleep in, I started to get playful, and announced that his breakfast was getting cold. Because he was annoyed, he felt the appropriate response was to get dressed, grab his bag, grab his bfast (leaving his steaming coffee behind) and just rudely walk out the door. I went after him to hand him the lunch I had made, but was not interested in chasing him down or anything else dramatic. After a few hours of letting him cool down I asked if his mood had improved. He said yes and apologized for being grumpy. I eventually told him if he wanted mento start thinking he didn't respect me, walking out on me was a good start. Was my reaction over the top? Sorry Jade, but honestly, you're playing MOMMY! with all that bolded stuff - you're mommy. no one wants to f**k mommy. you make his breakfast and lunch, warn him that he needs to get up or its gonna get cold, and then go after him to hand him the lunch he left behind when he walked off like a brat - yeah, that's mommy alright. Hon, don't cater to someone that hasn't even so much as earned it - you're been dating this guy for 1 month - I doubt he's earned it. Also, the fact that it sounds like you called him to ask if he calmed down is just terrible, he made the mistake, you shouldn't be calling & checking up on him and all that crap. I'm not into games, and really what I'm telling you above isn't about game play, but you need to better evaluate who is worth your effort and your very sweet deeds. I'm not trying to sound mean or put you down, but I was just so amazed when I was reading your story. Its awesome to do nice things for a guy you're with - but you need to ease up on the mommy stuff.
D-Lish Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 Haha well truthfully I like making people's lives easier if I can. We knew each other in highschool and we have mutual friends. So I guess making him feel comfortable in my home is just something I do for all of my friends. I do my best to treat people the way I would want to be treated- regardless of their tie to me. I am Asian (mixed), but I was raised by my asian side to always be helpful and accommodating. My mom's side are a bunch of hillbillies- so they taught me how to be wild and fight with fists. Way too accomodating if you ask me! Not to mention he obviously doesn't appreciate it. You don't want to come off appearing that you are mothering him, and the breakfast and lunch thing, along with the morning prodding to get out of bed sounds motherly. I wouldn't have chased him down with the lunch after he stormed off like that! It's only been a month, maybe it's time to just pull back a little, start accomodating yourself. With my ex from a couple of years ago, I did little things like make him breakfast and lunch, iron his work shirts, etc. These were little things I thought he'd appreciate- but he admitted after the fact that it annoyed him, I gave him the impression I was making him the center of his world. He was right, I was. I just think you're doing too much for this guy too soon. Given that he has shown you he doesn't appreciate it, I'd consider toning it down a little.
betterdeal Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 Haha well truthfully I like making people's lives easier if I can. We knew each other in highschool and we have mutual friends. So I guess making him feel comfortable in my home is just something I do for all of my friends. I do my best to treat people the way I would want to be treated- regardless of their tie to me. I am Asian (mixed), but I was raised by my asian side to always be helpful and accommodating. My mom's side are a bunch of hillbillies- so they taught me how to be wild and fight with fists. You sound like a bonny Scottish lass! If he's not inclined towards generosity and hospitality, I think it may be a lot of hard work to (a) have fun and (b) be on the same wavelength as each other.
Author Jadestone Posted May 25, 2011 Author Posted May 25, 2011 Ok. This mommy stuff is a trap I fall into then, and all other ways are foreign to me. How do I check myself from falling into this role?
Author Jadestone Posted May 25, 2011 Author Posted May 25, 2011 Yea. Tone it down and take some time for me. Amen. Bc honestly- looking at it- this is another of my habits that I don't want to repeat. I have played mom in all past r/ships and it gets me no where. I'm going to spend a few days doing my thing and worrying about myself. See how that works out for me . I'm very independent but I've been too sweet. Too helpful. I'm going to take myself out to the movies, and go get a massage later this week! Lol it's been a minute since I took myself out on a date.
sanskrit Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 Haha well truthfully I like making people's lives easier if I can. Dump him... my number is 555-.... Seriously, had you been out really late? or has he been having spring allergies or ill? or extreme pressures at work? If not, there really is no excuse for his behavior, and even if so, is he going to take out his life stress on a loving GF who does nice things for him? In your shoes this would be a "strike one" for me, and have experienced the exact same thing from women also, but only after 3+ months.
betterdeal Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 Ok. This mommy stuff is a trap I fall into then, and all other ways are foreign to me. How do I check myself from falling into this role? Just find the right guy. One who is also generous and kind, like you.
FlowerGirly Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 What you did for him was nice. However I'm not a morning person either. I'm the most miserable person in the early AM. It isn't personal, its just me. He may be one of those people. My bf used to poke me in the morning and think it was funny, while all it did was infuriate me. I don't even believe in saying "Good morning" since there is nothing good about it. So I just say "morning" lol.
D-Lish Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 Yea. Tone it down and take some time for me. Amen. Bc honestly- looking at it- this is another of my habits that I don't want to repeat. I have played mom in all past r/ships and it gets me no where. I'm going to spend a few days doing my thing and worrying about myself. See how that works out for me . I'm very independent but I've been too sweet. Too helpful. I'm going to take myself out to the movies, and go get a massage later this week! Lol it's been a minute since I took myself out on a date. That's a great start. Just remember that your kindness, generosity, and sweetness are all amazing qualities. You can be all those things without being motherly. Maybe just stick to making him a coffee in the morning:laugh: Out of curiousity, is he generous in return? Does he go out of his way to do kind things for you? If so, how?
Mrlonelyone Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 I am with those who say that after a month of dating it's a bit too soon to be doing all that you are doing. Not that I expect you to stop. Also it's likely that he's not a morning person. Many people don't even like to bother with breakfast in the morning at all. Do you know if he usually eats breakfast? How about before you were there to give it to him? My advice would be to ease up give him his space. He's a big boy and can get himself up out of bed. Please do not take this the wrong way. Crudely put men want a woman to do three things in a relationship. Feed him F_ck him and shut the F_ck up. You have done very well with the first two things but like so many women you fail at the third. Now I know you have an emotional need to speak to him... but you have to balance that with his emotional need to not speak to you. :shrug:
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