Calendula Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 What is 'closure' anyway? What does it really mean? What does it get you? What does it represent? Why is it so important to you? I'm not asking how you get it, but rather what 'it', namely 'closure,' actually is. When you say you are seeking closure, what do you really want? Thoughts? Insights? Opinions?
Author Calendula Posted May 25, 2011 Author Posted May 25, 2011 I do feel that closure isn't something someone can give you, but rather something you have to find for yourself... but what exactly is it that you're trying to find? What is it that we're all trying to find?
Kic Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 Lack of closure: Perhaps the perception that something left unsaid, or something left undone, can still alter the course of the story. When nothing more can be said or done (with true sincerity) to get the person back, then the door is subject to closure. The day a former love gets married, if you listen carefully, you can hear several other doors close. Closure is important because it enables people to focus their energy elsewhere. It can be measured in degrees - something the door is wide open, sometimes there's a crack, sometimes a coffin is on the other side, sometimes the location is changed with no forwarding address...
Author Calendula Posted May 25, 2011 Author Posted May 25, 2011 Perhaps it is finding a way to accept that things turned out the way they did for no other reason than that is just how life works sometimes. Perhaps it is figuring out how to completely and totally accept that what you have right now, for whatever reason, is what you have, and that you can't go back to the past and change it to be something different, no matter how much you might want to. You can't move towards the future until you step away from your past. You can't change the past, but you can create your future. You can't get what you want by dwelling on what you don't have. It isn't just about finding closure in relationships with other people, it is about finding a way to move on with your life, especially when your past decisions haven't gotten you to where you hoped to be by now.
EricaH329 Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 I believe that closure means accepting what happened. Understanding your part in the relationship, as well as theirs. Coming to learn what you can, and forgive yourself (and them) internally, for the mistakes both parties have made. Closure, to me, is acknowledging all of the above, and moving forward. None of this needs to be done with communicating with the ex. This can all be done by yourself. Reflection, understanding, learning, and accepting. It's a huge task, and it won't be possible without being honest with yourself, but I believe it's totally worth it.
Beeotch Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 Lack of closure: Perhaps the perception that something left unsaid, or something left undone, can still alter the course of the story. When nothing more can be said or done (with true sincerity) to get the person back, then the door is subject to closure. The day a former love gets married, if you listen carefully, you can hear several other doors close. Closure is important because it enables people to focus their energy elsewhere. It can be measured in degrees - something the door is wide open, sometimes there's a crack, sometimes a coffin is on the other side, sometimes the location is changed with no forwarding address... I would agree with that definition as well as add that closure implies some type of peace that will give you the ability to move forward. From my experience in break up scenarios, it is as you've described, more of a perception that something left unsaid or undone, by this other person particularly, will give you peace. But usually it is tied up with a secret hope that the story can be changed from what it is, as you've said. That was how it was for me...I constantly wanted my ex to give me closure when in reality his behavior and lack of doing anything I wanted was closure enough that the relationship was over and he wasn't someone I needed to be with! But I hung on for dear life expecting something different....but at the time thinking he hadn't given me closure and always having new questions I needed him to answer and all this. Even during NC I would want him to show up and magically say all this stuff for closure...but in reality it was mostly me wanting him to apologize, take everything back, say he was wrong and start anew It eventually got to the point where I didn't want him back and he kept coming in and out of my life promising the world then running off....the last he did that was a year ago and I thought that closure would be him coming back, apologizing for being a douche and then we would go our separate ways. But I actually got closure on my own That true peace of mind, acceptance and moving forward and NO he never came back! I haven't spoken to him since, don't care to and if he did come back to "say anything left unsaid" I would find it completely odd! With that said, peace of mind and closure during breakups often have nothing to do with the other and is greatly tied up to your desires and expectations for the story to end some different way.
NicoleM Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 I wish I got closure but instead I got left out in the cold not knowing what happened. Closure to me is saying Hey Nicole I think you are great but let's be honest it isn't working out.
Author Calendula Posted May 25, 2011 Author Posted May 25, 2011 I wish I got closure but instead I got left out in the cold not knowing what happened. Closure to me is saying Hey Nicole I think you are great but let's be honest it isn't working out. Wouldn't actions be the equivelent of words in such a case? Do you really need his words to recognize and accept the current reality of your situation? Even if you got these words from your ex, how would that change things? Would it really make all that much difference? What is it that you really want? Just words, or something more?
NicoleM Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 Actually yes if I had just words I would of been okay. I would of been a little sad but at least I would of known and stopped pondering.
Sugarkane Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 I 100% agree and relate to NicoleM. Whats supposed to happen in a breakup: The dumper meets the dumpee IN PERSON and actually god forbid has a conversation about why they're ending it. Actually answers the dumpee's questions and politely ends things with them. Ideally this is what should happen everytime there's a breakup. How my ex dumped me: Dumps me OUT OF THE BLUE with no answers. Insults me by text, telling me that I'm somehow the crazy one in all of this! Blames the ending of the relationship on me entirely, nothing at all wa his fault! Turns EVERYONE against me, so NO ONE will give me answers, as to why my ex did a 180. Refuses to have a conversation with me, let alone even meet with me. Ends the relationship without any integrity at all. I'm left depressed and shocked months later. I'm left wondering WTF happened forever and blaming it on myself even months later. Making me take 100% longer to get over the whole thing.
Rea333 Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 Sugarkane - I had a very similar experience. I never got "closure" I was never told it was officially over, just "space and a break" and never saw or heard from him again! Two years down the drain! No contact for 2.5 months since day one of the break up. I never got a reason. He said he didn't know the reason himself! How is one supposed to work on not making the same mistakes again if they don't know the reason in the first place?! But in retrospect, closure is the actions themselves. Hearing the "reasons" he no longer wanted to be with me would just hurt even more. The only thing I want(ed) to hear is I want you back, I've made a mistake. A long list of reasons why someone doesn't want you just hurts and doesn't change what we really want deep down - them to come back (well in my case at least)
jonny78 Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 I would like to tell you my story and POV on closure. 4 months ago my ex left me for another guy. Very possible it was GIGS, let mentell you that with no real reasons - closure was one thing that I sought after and I feel really hindered me moving on. In the 4 months NC i realised that closure can come from within, at the end of the day if you know that you didn't do anything drastically wrong (which the majority of people here on LS did not) than you should already have your closure - you have nothing to feel guilty about or regret. If you did something that caused the breakup I.e cheating I think closure would be hard to find, and the guilt would always stay with you. I can't explain how much closure was necessary for me to move on, and I can't explain enough how ever low anybody is feeling, that if you didn't do anything wrong, after long enough NC and time to reflect and LOVE YOURSELF, closure will come naturally. Really do work on loving yourself, it is the best method of closure. With all that said, I am a very lucky boy because after months of heartache and thoughts of my ex and her amazing new life last night something wonderful happened. I saw my ex out drinking, long story short - she ended up in tears and text me saying "drinking away the pain of losing the only person I ever loved, my BF" and also "I just don't know how to act with you or live with myself after what I did to you". The last I saw of her was a broken down crying mess at the taxi rank ready to go home. Did that give me closure? Answer, no - because I already knew inside that because I had no regrets and worked on loving myself and healing properly that I didn't need validation - it was just nice to obtain it. Maintained NC after those texts, now going on 4 months NC. I owe a lot to the people here on LS. You are not alone.
Renard99 Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 I never got a reason. He said he didn't know the reason himself! How is one supposed to work on not making the same mistakes again if they don't know the reason in the first place?! That's how I feel. After 4 months I've come to realise that she's not coming back and she's moving on and I'm slowly becoming fine with that despite still hurting inside.......but.... where I seek closure is on what happened to cause her loss of love for me. I don't want to know because of the past, I want to know for my future. I'm sure it'll hurt to hear all that went wrong but by knowing these things I may be able to prevent further hurt in the future. I want to learn something from all of this but all I got from her is that she doesn't know why it happened herself. I view it like a crime scene. We have the murder victim lying on the floor. The murderer has fled the scene taking all the solid evidence with them. All that's left is circumstantial evidence that isn't strong enough to make a conviction....... the case remains unsolved with the folder still lying, open, on someone's desk. The victim's relations continue to mourn.
Sugarkane Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 I would like to tell you my story and POV on closure. With all that said, I am a very lucky boy because after months of heartache and thoughts of my ex and her amazing new life last night something wonderful happened. I saw my ex out drinking, long story short - she ended up in tears and text me saying "drinking away the pain of losing the only person I ever loved, my BF" and also "I just don't know how to act with you or live with myself after what I did to you". The last I saw of her was a broken down crying mess at the taxi rank ready to go home. QUOTE] I truelly find dumpers bizarre at times. So she was upset about what she did to you. But still didn't tell you she made a mistake and wanted you back. So typical. Unfortunately I never got this sort of conversation with my ex. the only time I've seen him, was 2 weeks after the breakup. And he was already with another girl. I wish I could have seen my ex crying like yours! It would be worth its weight in gold.
Sugarkane Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 Unfortunatelt all I got was radio silence and pretty much what Renard99 described.
jonny78 Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 I never had a conversation with her, the full story consists of me being at university then she cheated on me with my 'mate' and left me for him. For weeks and weeks any time that I went out I would have to watch them all over eachother on the dancefloor etc ... We shared all the same mutual friends. In the end I enforced full NC and stopped going out with that lot and got new friends. I refuse to speak to her , I never ever will after what happened, and she knows this. It was worth it's weight in gold, but I dont buy her little act last night anyway - the texts and the crying, she probably just wanted attention - she is still with the other guy. Atleast at the very minimum I know she feels guilt. Anyway, my point was that though it was great to see - it doesn't change anything. I don't think closure is something you can obtain, I think it will just come in time when you start to reflect on everything. That you didn't do much wrong and start loving yourself again - it just comes IMO. I already had closure before those scenes - You have to make your own closure. My closure was that I know from actions that I am a good person, she isn't , it took me a long time to realise and get my self-esteem back, but it's as simple as that for me. NC was central to it, 100% HARDCORE NC - but I guess everybody is different!
jonny78 Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 And I know I enforced NC but I also got the radio silence for 4 months until last night, not 1 attempt at contact as far as I'm aware. So I did have to deal with that whilst finding my closure
Author Calendula Posted May 25, 2011 Author Posted May 25, 2011 From reading these posts and thinking some more on the question, it seems that closure isn't something anyone else can ever give you, in any way. As such, finding closure regarding anything in your past is something you have complete control over. It is your choice. It is a mindset, a perspective, an outlook, that you have to reach for yourself. It is a place you have to get to in your own head and heart where you've come to terms with your emotions and past feelings. It is a point you get to where you no longer feel the need to constantly look to the past, thinking "what if?" or questioning "why?". Where you can close the door on that part of your life and no longer wonder what is still behind it because you've explored every part of that room which you could. It is when you become able to look to the future and what you want next without concern or negative emotions related to what once was. For those asking "Why?" or "What did I do? What went wrong?" perhaps you're asking the wrong questions. Maybe the questions really should be: What actually happened? What did I like about what I had or who I was with, and what did I not like about it or them? What do I want now? How do I get from where I am right now to where I want to be in the future? Perhaps try focusing on what actually was and what is, and not just on how you feel about it. Sometimes you have to lay out the facts and try and see them objectively to really judge reality for what it is rather than what you hoped it was or is. Only by accepting the facts of life as they are can you ever hope to gain control over the ones you can influence and try to create the reality you want. You can't ever change someone else, but you can always change yourself.
Beeotch Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 From reading these posts and thinking some more on the question, it seems that closure isn't something anyone else can ever give you, in any way. As such, finding closure regarding anything in your past is something you have complete control over. It is your choice. It is a mindset, a perspective, an outlook, that you have to reach for yourself. It is a place you have to get to in your own head and heart where you've come to terms with your emotions and past feelings. It is a point you get to where you no longer feel the need to constantly look to the past, thinking "what if?" or questioning "why?". Where you can close the door on that part of your life and no longer wonder what is still behind it because you've explored every part of that room which you could. It is when you become able to look to the future and what you want next without concern or negative emotions related to what once was. For those asking "Why?" or "What did I do? What went wrong?" perhaps you're asking the wrong questions. Maybe the questions really should be: What actually happened? What did I like about what I had or who I was with, and what did I not like about it or them? What do I want now? How do I get from where I am right now to where I want to be in the future? Perhaps try focusing on what actually was and what is, and not just on how you feel about it. Sometimes you have to lay out the facts and try and see them objectively to really judge reality for what it is rather than what you hoped it was or is. Only by accepting the facts of life as they are can you ever hope to gain control over the ones you can influence and try to create the reality you want. You can't ever change someone else, but you can always change yourself. Beautifully said!
Sugarkane Posted May 26, 2011 Posted May 26, 2011 I never had a conversation with her, the full story consists of me being at university then she cheated on me with my 'mate' and left me for him. For weeks and weeks any time that I went out I would have to watch them all over eachother on the dancefloor etc ... We shared all the same mutual friends. In the end I enforced full NC and stopped going out with that lot and got new friends. I refuse to speak to her , I never ever will after what happened, and she knows this. It was worth it's weight in gold, but I dont buy her little act last night anyway - the texts and the crying, she probably just wanted attention - she is still with the other guy. Atleast at the very minimum I know she feels guilt. Anyway, my point was that though it was great to see - it doesn't change anything. I don't think closure is something you can obtain, I think it will just come in time when you start to reflect on everything. That you didn't do much wrong and start loving yourself again - it just comes IMO. I already had closure before those scenes - You have to make your own closure. My closure was that I know from actions that I am a good person, she isn't , it took me a long time to realise and get my self-esteem back, but it's as simple as that for me. NC was central to it, 100% HARDCORE NC - but I guess everybody is different! My situation is exactly the same. I wish I could see my ex fall flat on his face though. I'm surprised my ex never stringed me along and tried to feed me breadcrumbs, he thinks he's god gift to women.
Author Calendula Posted May 26, 2011 Author Posted May 26, 2011 I 100% agree and relate to NicoleM. Whats supposed to happen in a breakup: The dumper meets the dumpee IN PERSON and actually god forbid has a conversation about why they're ending it. Actually answers the dumpee's questions and politely ends things with them. Ideally this is what should happen everytime there's a breakup. How my ex dumped me: Dumps me OUT OF THE BLUE with no answers. Insults me by text, telling me that I'm somehow the crazy one in all of this! Blames the ending of the relationship on me entirely, nothing at all wa his fault! Turns EVERYONE against me, so NO ONE will give me answers, as to why my ex did a 180. Refuses to have a conversation with me, let alone even meet with me. Ends the relationship without any integrity at all. I'm left depressed and shocked months later. I'm left wondering WTF happened forever and blaming it on myself even months later. Making me take 100% longer to get over the whole thing. My situation is exactly the same. I wish I could see my ex fall flat on his face though. I'm surprised my ex never stringed me along and tried to feed me breadcrumbs, he thinks he's god gift to women. Did you ever stop feeling long enough to think about the possibility that some of the distain you feel for your ex could actually be distain for yourself? You did after all choose him as a partner, you didn’t see the signs that the relationship was going to end, and you didn’t give him what he needed or he wouldn’t have left. You expected something from him (clear and respectful communication) that you probably knew he was incapable of giving and therefore set yourself up for dissapointment. So what? You’re human, you don’t know everything, and you can’t read his mind or predict the future. Nothing ever works out completely the way it is “supposed to”. That’s simply life. I don’t think that what your ex has said or done (or not said or done) is as much of an issue for you as what YOU have said or done (or not said or done). While it can be hard to accept that someone we care about doesn’t care for us, it can be even harder to accept that we CHOSE to put ourselves in that situation in the first place and remained there long enough for that person to hurt us. I don’t think that your ill feelings towards your ex have nearly as much to do with him, as they have to do with you. YOU blame yourself. And until you can forgive yourself for not having everything in life figured out, and for making some poor choices in your past, I think you’ll continue to feel pain related to your past relationship. You’re the only person in this world who can “make you” feel or do anything. Until YOU can accept and forgive yourself for everything you did or did not do that caused you pain, I think you are going to continue having a hard time moving on.
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