My cheating xH wants me back?

[Wandaland]

For those of you who's not familiar with my story, here it is:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t261707/

 

It's amazing how just when I was finally getting over him and finally feeling like a beautiful, confident, independent single girl, he gives me an unexpected visit and actually begs me to take him back. Now all of my feelings for him are rushing back and I'm depressed all over again. That idiot!

 

It took me almost 4 months to get over him after we divorced, and now he's telling me that cheating on me was his biggest regret. He told me that he was going through a difficult time trying to find himself and he didn't know who he was anymore. He's been going to therapy for a couple of months, taking medication and now he feels like himself again. He was crying and telling me that he's sorry for what he did to me and that he's in love with me and wants our relationship to work again. He literally bent down on his knees, hold my hand and begged me for another chance. I told him that I'll think about it.

 

I just don't know what to do. Seeing his face and hearing his voice again for the first time in months makes me cry. I mean, we just got divorced and I was excited to start a new chapter in my life. But now he's back and I just miss him so much and my love for him is quickly coming back. I just don't want to be like one of those doormats who lets their boyfriends/husbands treat them like crap. But I'm proud of him for trying to better himself and taking responsibility for his actions. Maybe I should give him another chance?

[kevinm1019]

For those of you who's not familiar with my story, here it is:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t261707/

 

It's amazing how just when I was finally getting over him and finally feeling like a beautiful, confident, independent single girl, he gives me an unexpected visit and actually begs me to take him back. Now all of my feelings for him are rushing back and I'm depressed all over again. That idiot!

 

It took me almost 4 months to get over him after we divorced, and now he's telling me that cheating on me was his biggest regret. He told me that he was going through a difficult time trying to find himself and he didn't know who he was anymore. He's been going to therapy for a couple of months, taking medication and now he feels like himself again. He was crying and telling me that he's sorry for what he did to me and that he's in love with me and wants our relationship to work again. He literally bent down on his knees, hold my hand and begged me for another chance. I told him that I'll think about it.

 

I just don't know what to do. Seeing his face and hearing his voice again for the first time in months makes me cry. I mean, we just got divorced and I was excited to start a new chapter in my life. But now he's back and I just miss him so much and my love for him is quickly coming back. I just don't want to be like one of those doormats who lets their boyfriends/husbands treat them like crap. But I'm proud of him for trying to better himself and taking responsibility for his actions. Maybe I should give him another chance?

A couple of things to consider before taking him back...

 

(1) Couples counseling

(2) Couples Communications Course

(3) Deciding if you can forgive him and share life with him post-affair?

(4) What has he demonstrated to show remorse and understanding of how

he hurt you and your marriage?

[D-Lish]

I can't tell you what to do, it's such a tough situation.

 

My exH cheated on me and got another woman pregnant- I left him immediately upon finding out, put the house on the market, and refused to take him back. He begged, pleaded, and to this day I get an e-mail once a year or so (it's been 8 years) telling me what a mistake he made- even though he's now married to the OW with 3 children!

 

For me, it was a good decision to split. I struggled with it for a long time- but I realized I could never reconcile with the reality that his penis had been inside another woman's vagina. That's really what it came down to for me. I don't think I could have ever come to terms with that- I would have ended up punishing him for the rest of our lives had we stayed together, or gotten back together.

 

An affair changes everything.

 

It's only been four months- do people really change in that amount of time? I'm not sure it's possible. It's great he is taking steps to get back on track, but he might require more introspection before he's ready to come back with promises and hope.

 

I think you need to be cautious at this point. Take some space and time to really let this sink in before making a decision.

Edited May 25, 2011 by D-Lish

[YellowShark]

Couple things.

 

You say he cheated and you said he is in therapy and on medication. Is he Border Line Personality? If he is BPD you are simply being "recycled." Run like hell.

 

If he is not BPD, then he cheated. You divorced. And that old relationship you had before is dead. You need to rebuild a new relationship now. So date for a while. Don't dive right back in to marriage mode. Hit the brakes a bit. Be cautious and take it slow. Don't throw yourself under a bus.

Edited May 25, 2011 by YellowShark

[Spark1111]

For those of you who's not familiar with my story, here it is:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t261707/

 

It's amazing how just when I was finally getting over him and finally feeling like a beautiful, confident, independent single girl, he gives me an unexpected visit and actually begs me to take him back. Now all of my feelings for him are rushing back and I'm depressed all over again. That idiot!

 

It took me almost 4 months to get over him after we divorced, and now he's telling me that cheating on me was his biggest regret. He told me that he was going through a difficult time trying to find himself and he didn't know who he was anymore. He's been going to therapy for a couple of months, taking medication and now he feels like himself again. He was crying and telling me that he's sorry for what he did to me and that he's in love with me and wants our relationship to work again. He literally bent down on his knees, hold my hand and begged me for another chance. I told him that I'll think about it.

 

I just don't know what to do. Seeing his face and hearing his voice again for the first time in months makes me cry. I mean, we just got divorced and I was excited to start a new chapter in my life. But now he's back and I just miss him so much and my love for him is quickly coming back. I just don't want to be like one of those doormats who lets their boyfriends/husbands treat them like crap. But I'm proud of him for trying to better himself and taking responsibility for his actions. Maybe I should give him another chance?

 

You have every right to decide not to decide! You can take it really slow, see if there are positive changes and take your sweet time to see if you believe it.

 

Make no commitment, live your life, enjoy your new singledom. Make no decisions. You do not have to. Grow stronger for you. See if he is growing stronger for him.

[Wandaland]

We had a long conversation and he told me things that I never knew about. He felt that we married too young (we were 23). At first he loved that we got married, got our own apartment and got a good job. But then reality kicked in and things started getting serious when he had to deal with more responsibilities and realizing that he won't have the freedom to do what any single guy would do. I think what really set him off was when I was talking about wanting a baby.

 

In his head, he started blaming me and somehow made himself believe that I forced him to marry me (I didn't, it was a mutual decision), he just kept trying to find little things to justify himself. So he started seeing another girl behind my back, as a way to find out what he really wants in life. He was confused, depressed, and frustrated. When I found out about his affair, he didn't feel any guilt or remorse for me because he blamed me for making him feel that way. But after we got divorced, he started missing me and he got worried, and quickly started seeing a psychiatrist.

 

What really makes me angry is that he didn't even bother telling me any of this, when I specifically told him that he shouldn't be afraid to express his thoughts and feelings with me! But like all macho guys, he kept it bottled up inside and started deluding himself.

 

When we first met, we instantly had a connection and we fell in love. We had hearts in our eyes and love was in the air. Then he proposed, thinking that it was gonna be a fairy tale happily ever after, but he never thought that you would have to sacrifice a lot of stuff when you get married. Obviously, he didn't think this one through. So he became a mentally unstable mess.

 

Well, right now I'm just in a daze. I need time to process all of this. I'm suffering all over again and so angry and heartbroken for what he did to me. Just having all these images of him with that girl flashing in my head, it devastates me. I've told him this, and he said that he will never forgive himself for hurting me. He's not seeing that girl anymore. The girl lied saying that they went out for 6 months emotionally/physically, when really it was only a month and strictly physical, And she knew he was married. That b****.

 

kevinm1019, Thank you. He's been very remorseful for what he did to me. He hasn't been looking so well since his eyes are red from crying and seems like hasn't slept for days. He said that he will do everything to regain my trust in him. He's been reading self-help books and bought me daffodils.

 

D-Lish, I'm sorry that you went through all that. I hope you're doing well. And yeah, I wouldn't say that he's "changing", more like he's almost back to his normal self again. I think he just got freaked out that things were moving too fast for him, so he's doing good so far.

 

YellowShark, He doesn't have BPD. They just gave him something to calm him down. We may have been divorced, but since he came back, my love for him came back. I honestly feel like there's hope in our relationship.

 

Sparks111, I honestly feel stronger than I did before I found out his affair. I've spent months trying to get over him, starting a new life and succeeding, until he came back. I see how he's working hard to win me back, so I will give him another chance and go couple counseling. I still love him, but if he betrays me again, I won't be as hurt as I was before and "3rd times the charm" won't work in this case.

[Woman In Blue]

The girl lied saying that they went out for 6 months emotionally/physically, when really it was only a month and strictly physical, And she knew he was married. That b****.

I wouldn't believe anything your ex-husband says. He was a big enough jerkoff to dismiss you like yesterday's garbage when you no longer served a purpose to him - and he did it with ZERO regard for your feelings. ZERO. He even made you move out of "his" apartment where you'd both been living. What a lowlife. And all because he got 'bored and restless.'

 

And now he's managing to paint himself as the victim by telling you the OW was a lying, conniving bitch who he'd only been screwing for a month and not the 6 months that SHE had claimed. The guy's a proven liar and low life, and he's now managed to manipulate you into diverting your anger toward HER in an attempt to get it off his own shoulders where it really belongs. Well, that's a whole lot easier for HIM to get you angry at someone ELSE than doing the right thing and OWNING HIS SH*T and dealing with your anger, right? Coward.

 

He's not the first lying married jerk to downplay what he did and accuse the OW of lying about how long they've been together, and he won't be the LAST. And women fall for this crap all the time and end up directing all their anger at the predatory, lying, sneaky OW while hubby is a saint. BULL. And no, I'm NOT an other woman, I'm just a woman whose sick and tired of watching other women fall for the utter bullsh*t men constantly spoonfeed women - and these women eagerly lap it up.

 

But I can tell you this, you'll REGRET it one day if you go back to this man. He's capable of throwing people away when he's done with them without so much as a backward glance. He's an expert at weaving 'poor me' stories to justify his disgusting low-rent behavior towards you - AND he's even managed to blame YOU for everything that HE did, the poor, poor confused victim.

 

And I'm telling you right now - if this guy IS Borderline Personality, RUN like all the devils in HELL are after you. Because you are DOOMED to re-live this hideous nightmare over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again til you're nothing more than an empty shell. With these people, you're either the best thing that God ever put on this earth, or you're the most repulsive piece of humanity he's ever had to endure - THERE IS NO IN-BETWEEN!!!! He'll cycle up and he'll cycle down - and rest assured, YOU'LL be the victim each and every time he does. I put myself in that position with a guy who had BPD and I lost COUNT of how many times we broke up for ridiculous, non-sensical things that only HE understood. I've also lost COUNT of the many marriage proposals I received after he came back to me, once again seeing me as the greatest woman on earth - only to act as though I was dirt on his shoes a month or so later when the cycle repeated itself yet AGAIN.

 

Go read, "I Hate You! ... Don't Leave Me!" about Borderline Personality. I think you'll recognize your ex in that book.

Edited May 25, 2011 by Woman In Blue

[YellowShark]

In his head, he started blaming me and somehow made himself believe that I forced him to marry me (I didn't, it was a mutual decision), he just kept trying to find little things to justify himself. So he started seeing another girl behind my back, as a way to find out what he really wants in life. He was confused, depressed, and frustrated. When I found out about his affair, he didn't feel any guilt or remorse for me because he blamed me for making him feel that way. But after we got divorced, he started missing me and he got worried, and quickly started seeing a psychiatrist.

 

YellowShark, He doesn't have BPD. They just gave him something to calm him down. We may have been divorced, but since he came back, my love for him came back. I honestly feel like there's hope in our relationship.

 

Calm him down? From what? You're the one who was thrown under a bus not him. I am no psychiatrist Wanda but from what you've written so far he seems BPD. You are TOTALLY being "recycled."

 

1) Notice that you had an "instant connection" when you met him, that's called "mirroring." Google it.

 

2) Notice that he blames *you* for "forcing to marry him." Complete BS. He proposed TO YOU. You didn't force him to marry you. He's just blamescaping because people with BPD are never wrong, (the world is out to get them.)

 

3) Notice how he cheated on you - his wife - to fix *his* issues, that is a very typical BPD. (You went from rescuer to persecutor on the Karpman Triangle.. and he's the victim.)

 

4) Notice how he is "confused, depressed, and frustrated." About what? He screwed everything up by cheating, you did *nothing.* He proposed to you, you got married, started to talk about normal things like a future and a child and he RAN AWAY into the arms of another woman and DUMPED you. BIG red flag.

 

5) Notice that he didn't feel any guilt or remorse for you when OW was in the picture. He tossed you out with the garbage without a second thought. Once again, very BPD.

 

6) Notice how OW is gone now and he is currently "recycling" you and completely painting the OW black now. Ya, she is so awful, and such a liar he dumped you - his wife who he proposed to - for her. Really? You buy that? He is simply "painting her black" now.

 

7) Notice how when you started to talk about a future and a baby he ran away, bailed on the marriage, and ran into the arms of another woman. Very BPD.

 

That's 7 traits of a person who suffers from BPD. I bet he is undiagnosed and people with BPD are EXPERTS at fooling you, therapists, and everyone around them.

 

I would tread VERY CAREFULLY with this guy Wandaland. VERY CAREFULLY. My advice is Google the hell out of BPD, read up on it, and see if this guy fits the bill. To me he does. And if he is... run like hell! You will only go through all this again... and again... and again... and again.

 

Don't let your emotions control you, use your brain and intellect to deal with this. I beg you.

Edited May 25, 2011 by YellowShark
spelling

[robf1971]

. Maybe I should give him another chance?

 

Your response to him,

 

"Exhusband I need some time to think about this"

[xxoo]

When we first met, we instantly had a connection and we fell in love. We had hearts in our eyes and love was in the air. Then he proposed, thinking that it was gonna be a fairy tale happily ever after, but he never thought that you would have to sacrifice a lot of stuff when you get married. Obviously, he didn't think this one through. So he became a mentally unstable mess.

.

 

And then he cheated, kicked you out, divorced you.....but he didn't think that one through, either.

 

And now he is back, groveling, unearthing your pain and dragging you back into his drama. Is he thinking this through? Or is this more of the same erratic behavior from him?

 

Wanda, try to take a longterm-perspective here. What would 40 year old Wanda give to you now? I think she'd tell you to RUN! from this man who brought you so much pain within the first 5 years of your relationship.

[robf1971]

Then write down, what you need from your husband to re establish trust

 

ie Marriage counselling

Total honesty about what happened, everything

Total transparency giving you the opportunity to see his email any time

cell phones etc

Proving that it's over, in front of you

 

All this to activate immediatley

 

See the problem might be that OW dumped him like a sack of potatoes and now he's all lonely, Take him back to easily? and he'll be back to his cheating ways in no time.

 

Anyway then do not contact him back "At all" let him call you" when he does say the same thing "I'm thinking about it"

 

I would carry this on for about 3 months, let him crawl barefoot over broken glass to chase you. See how serious he is about persuing you. Make him work for this. After a period of time tell him

 

" I've thought about it and these are MY terms" for us to reconcile"

 

Anything less than an IMMEDIATE implementation of this by him then tell him to sling his hook.

 

DO NOT MAKE THIS TOO EASY FOR HIM in blocks for emphasis

[bentnotbroken]

You have every right to decide not to decide! You can take it really slow, see if there are positive changes and take your sweet time to see if you believe it.

 

Make no commitment, live your life, enjoy your new singledom. Make no decisions. You do not have to. Grow stronger for you. See if he is growing stronger for him.

 

 

 

Where is the damn good post button?:bunny::bunny::bunny:This is it! You have the "RIGHT" to do nothing. LIVE YOUR LIFE the way that heals you and let him and anybody else who is in the way of that goal, get the hell off the track or get run over.

[Spark1111]

Where is the damn good post button?:bunny::bunny::bunny:This is it! You have the "RIGHT" to do nothing. LIVE YOUR LIFE the way that heals you and let him and anybody else who is in the way of that goal, get the hell off the track or get run over.

 

Thanks, Bent! That sentence was expensive! (A LOT of therapy!)

 

Do NOT rescue him! Do NOT be persuaded to relinquish all of the positive and self-actualizing behaviors you have learned since him. Go forward with your eyes on YOU and YOUR LIFE, GOALS, DREAMS.

 

You work on you. You cannot have ANY expectations of this man now and of his WORTH as a potential FUTURE partner.

 

Keep reading and keep learning and do NOT allow anyone to pressure you to make a decision on anything right now.

 

IT IS TOO SOON for both of you.

 

Tell him this! Tell him you always loved him but he hurt you very badly and you do not trust him now. You might someday, or you may never.

 

It is too soon for you to tell.

[candoit]

if you take him back too soon he will surely cheat on you again, so let him suffer for a little bit then take him back

[John Michael Kane]

Don't take him back at all. He's nothing but trouble.

[OldOnTheInside]

Why rush with your decision?

 

Just focus on your own well being. If xH means what he says then he can wait until you are ready to make a choice.

[Wandaland]

Thank you guys for the advice, I really do appreciate it. After many hours of thinking, I decided that I need to spend some time on myself while he needs to continue with his therapy to help himself. So right now, we're separated. He's upset that I made this decision because he wants our relationship to work. But I told him that we don't need to rush into it. He still needs to get his head together because I don't want to be with a mentally unstable guy. I hope he betters himself because I'm madly in love with him and I still want to be with him. But for now, we need some space. It's for the best.

 

This summer I'm going to Rome, Italy with my girlfriends, so I need some Girl Power in my life right now.

[D-Lish]

Thank you guys for the advice, I really do appreciate it. After many hours of thinking, I decided that I need to spend some time on myself while he needs to continue with his therapy to help himself. So right now, we're separated. He's upset that I made this decision because he wants our relationship to work. But I told him that we don't need to rush into it. He still needs to get his head together because I don't want to be with a mentally unstable guy. I hope he betters himself because I'm madly in love with him and I still want to be with him. But for now, we need some space. It's for the best.

 

This summer I'm going to Rome, Italy with my girlfriends, so I need some Girl Power in my life right now.

 

That's a perfect scenario Wanda! Also a prudent decision to take some time for yourself.

 

Of course he's disappointed, he expected he could waltz back into your life and win you back after a couple months of therapy and a little introspective prodding into himself.

 

Personally, I think it takes more time than 4 months to effect any kind of change. I think he has much more work to do.

 

It's good you are sending the message that you're not easily swayed- he needs to know this.

 

So begins the summer of wanda- I hope you make the most of it!

[xxoo]

Given the choices, you chose Rome! I love it

 

Have a fabulous trip. Girl Power!

[Rie1983]

Hey Wandaland,

 

I am going through a break up with my husband at the moment & feel like I'm months behind you (still at the crying myself to sleep every night stage) but I too feel like my husbands been swapped with someone else and wish so hard that the guy I feel so crazy in love with comes back, I feel his cheated because he didn't express his feelings and frustrations with me.

 

I never thought I would watch another love film ever agagin a month ago, as I feel like Love is a lie at the moment. But there was one on TV and I couldn't help but watch it, a quote in it says the below....

 

'What and if; two words as nonthreatening as words come. But put them together side-by-side and they have the power to haunt you for the rest of your life: ‘What if?'...

 

There is no wrong or right answer if you should forgive your husband and give him that chance, I know if I get the chance from my husband to forgive him or at least try then I will take it, or at least take the trial run and see where it goes, as 'what if' will haunt me forever!

 

I hope whatever you decide it works out for you, maybe there is hope still that men do realise and come back!! just remember.... What if

 

rie xxxx

[Glinda]

I would carry this on for about 3 months, let him crawl barefoot over broken glass to chase you. See how serious he is about persuing you. Make him work for this. After a period of time tell him

 

" I've thought about it and these are MY terms" for us to reconcile"

Please consider the above but change the 3 months to a YEAR. Yes, a whole YEAR. If he wants you back, he can invest that amount of time. Edited May 28, 2011 by Glinda
I missed the update

[wrongedwife]

I would take the extra time if I were you, and a European adventure sounds perfect. If after you come back and still want to give it another shot take it slowly. Go back to the beginning and date again. Movies, dinners, picnics etc, and take time before getting physical again.

 

That is just my two cents.