stepka Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 I was once totally in love with this man and I was never sure if he was totally into me or not but he was starting a new career and was very busy and I had commitments at home so he didn't ask me to go with him. Fast forward 20 years and he called me shortly after he and his wife separated and we talked on the phone quite a few times but then his divorce went crazy and he has a lot of kids that he has to stay with a lot, and he quit calling so much or even texting all that often. In convo though, he said that he was once very much in love with me and at first I believed it but then wasn't so sure after he stopped calling. He would be very affectionate in his infrequent texts but I pretty much blew him off--for obvious reasons--figured he was just messing with my head. Then he came to see me this weekend and all the chemistry was still there. He spent every spare moment with me, introduced me to one of his kids, met my daughters, and pretty much drank me in with his eyes all weekend. We didn't even kiss but we hugged a lot. He confessed that the divorce has been horrible for him and all involved and he wants to leave town b/c the ex is being totally embarrassing with her drunken slutty behavior but then that would leave his kids with her and he doesn't know what to do. I told him he needs to stay there b/c the kids need him to be there since mom went off the deep end. Obviously we can't have a relationship other than friendship right now--he's still married and has a whole lot on his plate and I have to stay where I'm at for the next 2 years, which is 8 hours from where he lives. I would love to have a relationship with him at some future point, assuming that he feels the same way I do but I'm just not sure that there is any future in this. It's kind of ruined me for meeting someone else, at least for now, but should I just sit back and let him call when he needs to, initiate calls and texts myself, or cut him off til it's all over and done with and try to date others in the meantime? (I'm leaning towards the last as the best solution but I am so weak where this man is concerned.) I'm older so it's not like I have a lot of good years left to date and I'm almost annoyed at him for getting me started thinking about him again when he's clearly not in a position to have a relationship right now, and I'm afraid that if I wait for him, he will come out of this in a different frame of mind. He could even be using me for comfort, though it felt deeper than that. Anyone have any thoughts on this? (PS, his having all those kids doesn't scare me a bit b/c I love children)
JungleLover Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 It sounds like you do already know which way to go on this one but your age is probably making you a bit more fearful and causing you to reach out for something in desperation. This situation sounds like a bad idea. This guy has so much baggage that it is not worth it at all. There is just too much baggage.
Author stepka Posted May 25, 2011 Author Posted May 25, 2011 It sounds like you do already know which way to go on this one but your age is probably making you a bit more fearful and causing you to reach out for something in desperation. This situation sounds like a bad idea. This guy has so much baggage that it is not worth it at all. There is just too much baggage. That's partly it, but my age is also making me less willing to wait for him. I guess what I'm more afraid of is that I don't fall in love easily at all and it's possible that he's the only man I've ever actually been in love with. If I don't pursue this I may never have a chance at love again. Oh choices--it's funny, because I just figured out the meaning of life last week and it's *choices*.
JungleLover Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 All love is not good for you. Simply falling in love for the sake of being in love is not a great idea. When you fall in love, it should be with someone who will really enrich your life and make you happy. This guy has so much baggage that I am sure he will be able to offer you much but headache. What you two had in the past was 20 years ago. That is a long time. It's lot of time for people to be well-shaped by other experiences. You may be living in the past here. Evaluate him on the current situation. He called you after 20 years and shortly after he and his wife separated. Not divorced but separated. He is just looking for comfort during a rough time. Don't allow him to rebound on you.
Author stepka Posted May 25, 2011 Author Posted May 25, 2011 All love is not good for you. Simply falling in love for the sake of being in love is not a great idea. When you fall in love, it should be with someone who will really enrich your life and make you happy. This guy has so much baggage that I am sure he will be able to offer you much but headache. What you two had in the past was 20 years ago. That is a long time. It's lot of time for people to be well-shaped by other experiences. You may be living in the past here. Evaluate him on the current situation. He called you after 20 years and shortly after he and his wife separated. Not divorced but separated. He is just looking for comfort during a rough time. Don't allow him to rebound on you. I hate to admit it, but I kind of did the same thing after I separated but he was still married so I left him alone but now he's separated. Yes I know you're right and I also know that if I do pursue this, it will be a long haul and I will keep trying to date others, but they're not exactly lining up at my age and then I haven't really felt any connection with the men I have gone out with.
JungleLover Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 I know that the thoughts of possibly being alone during your more golden years might be a bit frightening. I think maybe accepting that possibility and becoming more comfortable with the idea of that possibility will help to keep you making wise choices. So you reached out to him after your divorce? I would avoid the situation but I understand your dilemma. I wouldn't just dive into it and pick up where you two left off 20 years ago. Let him contact you. Give him time to recover.
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