ConfusedAndScared Posted May 24, 2011 Posted May 24, 2011 Hi there, Im totally new here but have been lurking for a few weeks while trying to decide my feelings. Im 28 and my fiance is 30, I have a 9 yr old from a previous relationship and we have an almost 3 yr old together, we've been together for 7 years. Two days ago I took the decision to end our relationship, as things have just got to a point where I cant cope. Ive suffered on and off with depression for most of my life, atm Im on anti depressants and I think these have actually cleared my mind and made me see the enormity of the problems in our relationship. My point of view, he is lazy in the house, doesnt want to help out with any housework even though we are both full time students and neither work atm. He doesnt have anything to do with money, in fact completely buries his head in the sand to the fact we have none and are barely staying afloat. He doesnt show any affection, barely converses with me, we argue constantly, he refuses to get a job over the weekends because the Formula 1 is on then. All he wants is for us to have parties when the kids are away, and for him and his mates to go out for all day walks for exercise when he isnt at college. He has been sleeping in our sons room for about 2 years (!) because Im a bad snorer! (even though he does too) His point of view, Im controlling with money, nagging, try to control who he hangs about with, moany, I blame everything on him, I make everyone hate him, my mother is the third person in this relationship, Im not fun anymore (or maybe wasnt ever), I stress out and get depressed about everything and take it out on him. A few months ago we met a girl through mutual friends who he seemed to get on amazingly with, she is only 20 but they have the same kind of sense of humour, like the same kind of music, seemed to really click. So I obviously noticed this, and began to notice that he was constantly conversing with her on facebook, but putting little to no effort into our relationship, this severely irritated me, although he cant see why at all. Fast forward a few months, and we are having a party, she doesnt know if she can come, so he offers to go an hour away on the train to meet her and come back, that night he practically completely ignores me and sits speaking to her. Then walks with a few friends to the train the next morning, but they go for a cup of tea first on their own, he comes back...and cant understand why I am mad! I know everyone will say he is cheating with her, but I dont think he is as we have no money for him to go to where she lives....although I do believe he has formed some kind of emotional attachment to her. The next day I decide to have it out with him, and he tells me he loves me but isnt in love with me any more...I was devestated, pathetic, begging, threatening suicide....acting very poorly. So things settle down again, but I decide Im going to make a real effort to get things back on track, I am very nice to him, initiating affection, trying not to nag....nothing changes, infact he becomes even more distant. So I look up this forum, and I read about the 180. I do this, and nothing changes again! Exactly the same! Nothing from him at all. Then I find out through my mother that he told his mother he is only with me for the kids....I actually felt as if my heart broke a bit then. I confronted him and told him that we need to split, as nothing is ever going to change, and I cant make him love me any more. He seems ok with this, even though Im devestated inside. He's on facebook the next day chatting to this girl, using ROFL's and smilies as if nothing has happened...it just infuriated me! He cant move out straight away as he has no job, no money, nowhere to go, he is refusing to move back to his mums, hes been to the council to ask there, apparently they want to see him again tomorrow but I cant understand how he is going to pay for anything! And through all this, I still love him! I want our family to be together! But I have been a total walkover, and I know it, let him get his own selfish way again and again, but blame me for every little problem we have had. I am heartbroken, I dont know if Im doing the right thing by finishing it, Im so conflicted! I guess Im just looking for some outside input from people who dont directly know either of us, my friends, parents, even his mother to a certain extent think Im doing the right thing, but its hard! Thanks for reading this if you got to the end, and any replies at all will be hugely appreciated x
JPBSR Posted May 24, 2011 Posted May 24, 2011 Hi there, Im totally new here but have been lurking for a few weeks while trying to decide my feelings. Im 28 and my fiance is 30, I have a 9 yr old from a previous relationship and we have an almost 3 yr old together, we've been together for 7 years. Two days ago I took the decision to end our relationship, as things have just got to a point where I cant cope. Ive suffered on and off with depression for most of my life, atm Im on anti depressants and I think these have actually cleared my mind and made me see the enormity of the problems in our relationship. My point of view, he is lazy in the house, doesnt want to help out with any housework even though we are both full time students and neither work atm. He doesnt have anything to do with money, in fact completely buries his head in the sand to the fact we have none and are barely staying afloat. He doesnt show any affection, barely converses with me, we argue constantly, he refuses to get a job over the weekends because the Formula 1 is on then. All he wants is for us to have parties when the kids are away, and for him and his mates to go out for all day walks for exercise when he isnt at college. He has been sleeping in our sons room for about 2 years (!) because Im a bad snorer! (even though he does too) His point of view, Im controlling with money, nagging, try to control who he hangs about with, moany, I blame everything on him, I make everyone hate him, my mother is the third person in this relationship, Im not fun anymore (or maybe wasnt ever), I stress out and get depressed about everything and take it out on him. A few months ago we met a girl through mutual friends who he seemed to get on amazingly with, she is only 20 but they have the same kind of sense of humour, like the same kind of music, seemed to really click. So I obviously noticed this, and began to notice that he was constantly conversing with her on facebook, but putting little to no effort into our relationship, this severely irritated me, although he cant see why at all. Fast forward a few months, and we are having a party, she doesnt know if she can come, so he offers to go an hour away on the train to meet her and come back, that night he practically completely ignores me and sits speaking to her. Then walks with a few friends to the train the next morning, but they go for a cup of tea first on their own, he comes back...and cant understand why I am mad! I know everyone will say he is cheating with her, but I dont think he is as we have no money for him to go to where she lives....although I do believe he has formed some kind of emotional attachment to her. The next day I decide to have it out with him, and he tells me he loves me but isnt in love with me any more...I was devestated, pathetic, begging, threatening suicide....acting very poorly. So things settle down again, but I decide Im going to make a real effort to get things back on track, I am very nice to him, initiating affection, trying not to nag....nothing changes, infact he becomes even more distant. So I look up this forum, and I read about the 180. I do this, and nothing changes again! Exactly the same! Nothing from him at all. Then I find out through my mother that he told his mother he is only with me for the kids....I actually felt as if my heart broke a bit then. I confronted him and told him that we need to split, as nothing is ever going to change, and I cant make him love me any more. He seems ok with this, even though Im devestated inside. He's on facebook the next day chatting to this girl, using ROFL's and smilies as if nothing has happened...it just infuriated me! He cant move out straight away as he has no job, no money, nowhere to go, he is refusing to move back to his mums, hes been to the council to ask there, apparently they want to see him again tomorrow but I cant understand how he is going to pay for anything! And through all this, I still love him! I want our family to be together! But I have been a total walkover, and I know it, let him get his own selfish way again and again, but blame me for every little problem we have had. I am heartbroken, I dont know if Im doing the right thing by finishing it, Im so conflicted! I guess Im just looking for some outside input from people who dont directly know either of us, my friends, parents, even his mother to a certain extent think Im doing the right thing, but its hard! Thanks for reading this if you got to the end, and any replies at all will be hugely appreciated x You are doing the right thing. If there were to be a chance for the two of you he would be fighting to make things work!
Author ConfusedAndScared Posted May 24, 2011 Author Posted May 24, 2011 Thank you for replying, he isnt fighting at all, he says he is upset but ive yet to see any sign of it...its breaking my heart though, I know one day I wont feel so bad, Im just scared of the future now
JPBSR Posted May 24, 2011 Posted May 24, 2011 It will get easier, just not today. I think when he is finally gone and moved out you will be able to pick up the pieces of your life and begin putting them back together the way you want them. Not the way you think somebody else would like to see them. Keep close to your children and friends, as the true ones will be there to help.
Author ConfusedAndScared Posted May 25, 2011 Author Posted May 25, 2011 Thanks again, I hope it does....I felt a bit better today but Im still randomly bursting into tears and cant seem to stop bringing things up that he has done to wrong me. We were speaking earlier and I said that before we got together I choose to be on my own for two and a half years as I had gone through a bad break up....and he said, well I hope you dont think Im going to be celibate for two years? Seriously, why would he say that? I wasnt asking that, just discussing my past and how I felt now, and tbh for him to say that felt like a kick in the guts Aaah I wish I could just make all the pain go away
Author ConfusedAndScared Posted May 28, 2011 Author Posted May 28, 2011 So a little update for anyone who read my post...probably a bad idea but we both went out to a friends birthday party that we had been invited to previously...I got very drunk (shouldnt have really but what the hey) and he left early. He phoned me and my phone answered, he overheard me speaking to some friends about everything. He phoned another friend who was there, told them to put me on, started screaming at me, understandably upset telling me he hoped I died tomorrow, I went home with a couple of friends who stayed overnight, he is still in the house as he has nowhere to go. Anyway, I left the next morning with the children and came to my parents for the weekend, I think being away from him is helping. His dad has offered to help him with money for a deposit, but he is saying that he would rather go to the homeless shelter. I have no idea why, but knowing him I get the impression he is trying to make me feel bad? After the huge fallout we had an hour conversation on the phone, fairly amicable, he finally admitted that the way that he has acted towards this female "friend" has been out of order, but I asked him the bottom line, does he think we can fix this. His reply, not any time soon. So from that I am accepting that, I cant live in limbo wondering if things can be fixed. From now on I am letting him do his own thing, he is supposed to be leaving this week, hopefully before I return home on Tuesday. Still feel like **** but I havent cried today. He has phoned me a couple of times to speak about the F1, speak to the kids. Argh I dont know what he wants tbh, he said to me that one day he hopes me and my new bf(!) and him and one day his new gf can all sit about and have dinner and be friends. (neither of us have anyone else involved as far as I know?) WTF am I supposed to make of that? One minute he is making an effort to speak, the next saying things like that. Anyone know what he means? My friend thinks he has now just completely detachted himself from the situation and moved on already, but if this is true why wont he leave the house yet, and do you guys seriously think its possible to be really good friends with an ex? Sorry huge post again!
sun_moon Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 You are doing the right thing! Omg if you ever doubt this, just come on here and read the posts, if anything it will open your eyes. He needs to fight for you and the fact that he isn't has already given you his answer. You deserve and will get so much more so much better, you just have to want it and beleive it. For gods sake he needs to be a freaking contributor and get a job and help you out for the sake of his child. Where is his dignity and manhood. You made the right decision, not only do you need a non lazy man, but you deserve to be LOVED and wanted by someone who wants to be in your life not because he's lazy and can't leave your home. I know you are crushed but eventually you will believe your decision, feel convicted, and slowly be happy with that releif.
sun_moon Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 Also if anyone needs to be leaving YOUR HOUSE, its him not you. Don't ever leave your house. You broke it off You took control It's your house You have the kids You work He better be gone by the time you get back, I strongly suggest you kick him out, if he's still there. Stop enabling this man and take control of this situation, you have it, i know your sad, dig deep down and find your inner strength.
Recommended Posts