What is the female perception of online dating?

[GivenUp0083]

As a guy, I have certain criticisms and I just think it's frustrating and counterproductive for most men to pursue women via online dating.

 

Here's some random thoughts about my opinion of online dating, and I'd like to get a female perspective on the ligitimacy of these views:

 

1. As a man, I feel pressure to "stand out" or "catch your eye" through some means of walking a fine line between being uniquely funny and oddly creepy.

 

2. Many of the emails I write, I realize that there's less than a 50% chance you actually read it. You will look at my profile pictures and then determine if you will read my email. Is this accurrate?

 

3. I'm expected to contact you (rarely do women sent out emails, at least to me) in a process of using a numbers game to justify a low response rate.

 

4. My height (5'8") will rule me out for most women, even those who are shorter than I am.

 

5. Given limited amount of personal information shared on profiles in some cases, I find it rather difficult to try and spark a conversation through an email that is unique, interesting/humorous, and proves I actually took to read your profile.

 

6. Expressing too much of myself including experiences, political viewpoints, lack of religious faith are all things that would serve to hurt my chances more than they would serve to help them. This is unfortunate mostly due to the fact these things are strong factors in making up who I really am.

 

7. The return on investment of taking the time to read a profile, determine that I believe we might be a good fit, thinking about how to write a creative and sincere email.......only to garner no response. Reasons why being irrelevant, but it's hard to justify the time to read over profiles that are rather generic and non-exciting in many cases when the odds of getting written back are extremely low.

 

I've online dated before for a while, and I've had some success, especially with getting dates, but the qualities of those dates in many cases were poor and found that wanting to be active in dating came with a sacrafice in standards of personality.

 

I'm newly single (4 weeks) and I've entertained the idea of dating again in my thoughts, but I can't think of a good, solid reason that can justify the effort and time required to participate with such a low value of expected return.

[fortyninethousand322]

I'm a guy, but I think your description of online dating seems fairly accurate. I haven't gotten a response to an email I've written since early March, and that girl deleted her account a day after she responded to me.

 

I think some people are very successful with online dating while others not so much. One question I would add to your list though is whether some women expect you to ask them out on the first message. That seems to be the impression I get from some women. I had always thought you should build a little of a rapport first (2-3 messages tops) but now I'm having my doubts.

[Emilia]

As a guy, I have certain criticisms and I just think it's frustrating and counterproductive for most men to pursue women via online dating.

 

Here's some random thoughts about my opinion of online dating, and I'd like to get a female perspective on the ligitimacy of these views:

 

1. As a man, I feel pressure to "stand out" or "catch your eye" through some means of walking a fine line between being uniquely funny and oddly creepy. - That's true although it usually just comes down to the basic rules of attraction. Make sure your photos are good quality and flattering, profile tweaking is secondary.

 

2. Many of the emails I write, I realize that there's less than a 50% chance you actually read it. You will look at my profile pictures and then determine if you will read my email. Is this accurrate? - Yes. Same for me when I write to men (I'm one of the few women that does), I know not all of my messages get read.

 

3. I'm expected to contact you (rarely do women sent out emails, at least to me) in a process of using a numbers game to justify a low response rate. - I think you should view it more as a game in a sense that you should think of it as getting to know people and chatting - rather than anything heavy.

 

4. My height (5'8") will rule me out for most women, even those who are shorter than I am. - We all have something that rules us out in many people's eyes. It's how it is. Personally height doesn't bother me but other things do.

 

5. Given limited amount of personal information shared on profiles in some cases, I find it rather difficult to try and spark a conversation through an email that is unique, interesting/humorous, and proves I actually took to read your profile. - Everyone has that problem, I have much more success with meeting people in real life

 

6. Expressing too much of myself including experiences, political viewpoints, lack of religious faith are all things that would serve to hurt my chances more than they would serve to help them. This is unfortunate mostly due to the fact these things are strong factors in making up who I really am. - Yip, if you have a personality, you will struggle online.

 

7. The return on investment of taking the time to read a profile, determine that I believe we might be a good fit, thinking about how to write a creative and sincere email.......only to garner no response. Reasons why being irrelevant, but it's hard to justify the time to read over profiles that are rather generic and non-exciting in many cases when the odds of getting written back are extremely low. - People are not who they want you to believe. Think of it as facebook: how many people do you know that create a little fictional world because they want to be perceived in a certain way? I have found very little resemblence between profiles and reality so far. This means it is almost impossible for you to tell what they are really looking for.

 

I've online dated before for a while, and I've had some success, especially with getting dates, but the qualities of those dates in many cases were poor and found that wanting to be active in dating came with a sacrafice in standards of personality.

 

I'm newly single (4 weeks) and I've entertained the idea of dating again in my thoughts, but I can't think of a good, solid reason that can justify the effort and time required to participate with such a low value of expected return.

 

I am on one site but really I do my best to meet as many people in real life as possible. I have taken up various sports that attract men as well to increase those chances (sailing, surfing). Online dating is a lot of work for potentially little return over time

[Emilia]

I would add to your list though is whether some women expect you to ask them out on the first message. That seems to be the impression I get from some women. I had always thought you should build a little of a rapport first (2-3 messages tops) but now I'm having my doubts.

 

I think most people that see online dating as a primary way to meet people would prefer some interraction before agreeing to meet. I find most of them introverted

[tigressA]

1. I agree.

 

2. I read most of the emails that were sent to me before I looked at the profile, as most of the emails I received were from guys whose profiles I hadn't viewed before. I have deleted the majority of them without responding, mostly because a huge percentage of the messages were super-lame.

 

3. I generally agree, though I sent my fair share of messages. Roughly half of the dates I went on resulted from me sending the initial message.

 

4. Probably, but I don't subscribe to the height bias. I've had several boyfriends who are right at my height or shorter than me, including my current, who's 5'5". I'm 5'7".

 

5. This goes both ways--I saw plenty of profiles from guys offering an extremely limited amount of information or that were blank aside from a picture or two.

 

6. If all that isn't done in a funny/otherwise attention-grabbing or brief way, then yeah, it's just seen as a boring read. Sometimes I want to post the last profile I used on OKC as a template of sorts because I got an overwhelmingly positive response from it.

 

7. That's just what happens. I've had guys not respond to messages I sent, and I certainly did my darnedest to be funny and engaging.

[GivenUp0083]

I think my pictures aren't that good. I am not very photogenic, and I don't own a digital camera so I'm not out taking pictures...EVER. I literally maybe have like 5 photos myself in the last 6 months.

 

I don't have much to choose from when puting up pictures for a profile, but I guess that's just how it is for me. Not much I can do about that right now and I guess I'm just not willing to make the effort.

[Kampo]

I think most people that see online dating as a primary way to meet people would prefer some interraction before agreeing to meet. I find most of them introverted

my MO is send an email or 2 over the dating site, then throw them my number to text me or a secondary option of my yahoo if they aren't comfortable with my number, one solid chat session to see if I see a possibility then suggest drinks that night if its early enough in the day and I don't have plans or within a day or 2. if they decline but seem interested I'll let them initiate further contact and suggest it in a day or two if they are still contacting me if at that point they decline I move on.

 

I just don't have time to get my hopes up and get real indepth talking on the phone with someone and texting before I meet someone, you can't really tell **** from text/phone in person you know if there is anything there and rather get that over with and move on to the next person if nothing there.

 

I've had pretty poor success. 2 gals stand out from about 15 in the past 2 months of online dating. 1 I'm still in contact with but its complicated if its friends or not friends has a ton of baggage but there is insane sexual chemistry there (more than I've ever felt with a women) the other was a more on paper perfect women, but is a workaholic and made way more money then me could never get her to make enough time so I just cut her lose even though she said she wanted to keep pursuing things, one date every couple weeks and several cancels already I just need more face time then that.

[guy777]

The women are getting so many emails from guys spamming them with "wanna watch me jerk it?" They're overwhelmed. Trust me, force yourself to get out there in RL at places where the numbers are more favorable. You'll have much, much better results.

 

And try to force yourself not to chase the most charismatic woman in the group. You should read a simple smile from the more reserved ones as a gigantic billboard reading, "Please Figure Out How To Talk To Me Handsome".

[Jazzari]

As a guy, I have certain criticisms and I just think it's frustrating and counterproductive for most men to pursue women via online dating.

I sympathize with your frustrations. I met my SO on Match so it did work for me.

 

1. As a man, I feel pressure to "stand out" or "catch your eye" through some means of walking a fine line between being uniquely funny and oddly creepy.

True.

 

2. Many of the emails I write, I realize that there's less than a 50% chance you actually read it. You will look at my profile pictures and then determine if you will read my email. Is this accurrate?

Sort of. There are some profile pics that turn me off right away. If its a pic of a guy flexing his muscles in front of a mirror, then it's an automatic delete for instance. But if the guy has a nice profile pic with a great smile, he doesn't have to have model looks. I read most emails - I just didn't reply to many. I have time for a quick scan, but not the time to reply to all. I tried to answer all of them at first but quickly became swamped and frustrated. Too many men email when there is zero compatibility. That really ticked me off and hurts the men who are looking for a match instead of a ONS.

 

3. I'm expected to contact you (rarely do women sent out emails, at least to me) in a process of using a numbers game to justify a low response rate.

True. I initiated very few emails. If I wanted to express interest first, I would "wink" or put the guy on my "favorites list" where he could see me. I'm not comfortable being the aggressor.

 

4. My height (5'8") will rule me out for most women, even those who are shorter than I am.

I met my current SO on Match and he is 5'8". I can't speak for other women, but I think he's hot as hell. I have no problem with that height.

 

5. Given limited amount of personal information shared on profiles in some cases, I find it rather difficult to try and spark a conversation through an email that is unique, interesting/humorous, and proves I actually took to read your profile.

If there isn't any personal information on the woman's profile - why do you want to talk to her? Looks only? I'd say you should stick to the women who actually put out some effort.

 

6. Expressing too much of myself including experiences, political viewpoints, lack of religious faith are all things that would serve to hurt my chances more than they would serve to help them. This is unfortunate mostly due to the fact these things are strong factors in making up who I really am.

It might hurt your chances for getting a casual date. If you are looking for a LTR, then those things will help you find a good match. It just depends on what you want.

 

7. The return on investment of taking the time to read a profile, determine that I believe we might be a good fit, thinking about how to write a creative and sincere email.......only to garner no response. Reasons why being irrelevant, but it's hard to justify the time to read over profiles that are rather generic and non-exciting in many cases when the odds of getting written back are extremely low.

Then don't. Concentrate on the women who actually are interesting and care enough to make an effort. Forget the rest.

 

I've online dated before for a while, and I've had some success, especially with getting dates, but the qualities of those dates in many cases were poor and found that wanting to be active in dating came with a sacrafice in standards of personality.

Quantity vs. Quality. It just depends on what you want. I went on 1 date in my 3 months of searching. But we've been together for almost 6 months now so it was worth being picky over.

 

I know most people say its a numbers game. Go on as many dates as you can in order to find a match. I went the opposite way and it worked for me.

 

I'm newly single (4 weeks) and I've entertained the idea of dating again in

my thoughts, but I can't think of a good, solid reason that can justify the

effort and time required to participate with such a low value of expected

return.

Because you just never know. And there are success stories out there that keep you hoping that next time it will be you.

[fortyninethousand322]

The women are getting so many emails from guys spamming them with "wanna watch me jerk it?" They're overwhelmed. Trust me, force yourself to get out there in RL at places where the numbers are more favorable. You'll have much, much better results.

 

And try to force yourself not to chase the most charismatic woman in the group. You should read a simple smile from the more reserved ones as a gigantic billboard reading, "Please Figure Out How To Talk To Me Handsome".

 

Problem for me is that there aren't many places to meet women my age (early 20s). I don't drink and neither do most of my friends so I rarely go to bars, and here in the 'burbs there aren't too many cool activities to do where I can meet women. Online dating seems to be the best place for now (until I move closer to the city in about 6-12 months).

[GivenUp0083]

Problem for me is that there aren't many places to meet women my age (early 20s). I don't drink and neither do most of my friends so I rarely go to bars, and here in the 'burbs there aren't too many cool activities to do where I can meet women. Online dating seems to be the best place for now (until I move closer to the city in about 6-12 months).

 

Honestly, you'll find the city is somewhat difficult in its own sense. I don't think a single girl I've asked for a phone number from ever even lead to a date. You have other things working against you in a big city. Women have way more options in a big city. Most people are NOT married like in rural areas, they always have a man waiting in the wings for them. No girl in the city spends a night alone unless she wants to. You'll also find it a little more challenging to approach random women in a big city. People are much more guarded and less likely to pay as much attention to people around them. They're in their routine and they have tunnel vision from one destination to the other. I've been very guilty of this myself. I've been trying to make eye contact more often with random people but they just bury their eyes in books, texting on their cell phones, listening to ipods, or hiding their eyes behind big dark glasses. You can try approaching women in transition, while out with friends, or at the coffee shop....my experience in that regard has just shown that I've caught them off guard, and many times even if they would've had interest in normal circumstances, the fact you surprise initiation of conversation with them is enough to throw them off and warrant a rejection anyway.

[fortyninethousand322]

Honestly, you'll find the city is somewhat difficult in its own sense. I don't think a single girl I've asked for a phone number from ever even lead to a date. You have other things working against you in a big city. Women have way more options in a big city. Most people are NOT married like in rural areas, they always have a man waiting in the wings for them. No girl in the city spends a night alone unless she wants to. You'll also find it a little more challenging to approach random women in a big city. People are much more guarded and less likely to pay as much attention to people around them. They're in their routine and they have tunnel vision from one destination to the other. I've been very guilty of this myself. I've been trying to make eye contact more often with random people but they just bury their eyes in books, texting on their cell phones, listening to ipods, or hiding their eyes behind big dark glasses. You can try approaching women in transition, while out with friends, or at the coffee shop....my experience in that regard has just shown that I've caught them off guard, and many times even if they would've had interest in normal circumstances, the fact you surprise initiation of conversation with them is enough to throw them off and warrant a rejection anyway.

 

Well that sounds awfully depressing. I think what I was getting at was that there are a lot of activities closer to the city (book clubs and the like) that don't exist where I live (well, they do exist but most of the people tend to be a bit older and married often with children). Maybe I'll just have to hope I get lucky.

[GivenUp0083]

Well that sounds awfully depressing. I think what I was getting at was that there are a lot of activities closer to the city (book clubs and the like) that don't exist where I live (well, they do exist but most of the people tend to be a bit older and married often with children). Maybe I'll just have to hope I get lucky.

 

That definitely helps to be able to join social groups, but here's what's going against you in that regard...

 

- People in the city meet new people all the time, you may not get the attention at any point that you may look for because to city people you're just another person they met this week.

 

- If you join a group, club, team that has future commitments, women will use the fact that they may have to see you again in public if it doesn't work out. Many women and men like to separate their lives from their dating life. Then when they deem someone worthy, they let worlds collide.

[Enchanted Girl]

As a guy, I have certain criticisms and I just think it's frustrating and counterproductive for most men to pursue women via online dating.

 

Here's some random thoughts about my opinion of online dating, and I'd like to get a female perspective on the ligitimacy of these views:

 

1. As a man, I feel pressure to "stand out" or "catch your eye" through some means of walking a fine line between being uniquely funny and oddly creepy.

 

2. Many of the emails I write, I realize that there's less than a 50% chance you actually read it. You will look at my profile pictures and then determine if you will read my email. Is this accurrate?

 

3. I'm expected to contact you (rarely do women sent out emails, at least to me) in a process of using a numbers game to justify a low response rate.

 

4. My height (5'8") will rule me out for most women, even those who are shorter than I am.

 

5. Given limited amount of personal information shared on profiles in some cases, I find it rather difficult to try and spark a conversation through an email that is unique, interesting/humorous, and proves I actually took to read your profile.

 

6. Expressing too much of myself including experiences, political viewpoints, lack of religious faith are all things that would serve to hurt my chances more than they would serve to help them. This is unfortunate mostly due to the fact these things are strong factors in making up who I really am.

 

7. The return on investment of taking the time to read a profile, determine that I believe we might be a good fit, thinking about how to write a creative and sincere email.......only to garner no response. Reasons why being irrelevant, but it's hard to justify the time to read over profiles that are rather generic and non-exciting in many cases when the odds of getting written back are extremely low.

 

I've online dated before for a while, and I've had some success, especially with getting dates, but the qualities of those dates in many cases were poor and found that wanting to be active in dating came with a sacrafice in standards of personality.

 

I'm newly single (4 weeks) and I've entertained the idea of dating again in my thoughts, but I can't think of a good, solid reason that can justify the effort and time required to participate with such a low value of expected return.

 

1. Like there isn't that kind of pressure as a woman? As a woman I feel pressured to appear sexy and beautiful, but like more than just an ONS all at the same time.

 

2. No. I look at the profile afterwards. Regardless, does it matter? I'm not sure what the point of this question was unless it was just informational.

 

3. Yes, this is true, but men actually generally expect the same thing. I scared a nice guy off just because I contacted HIM first and after two weeks of e-mails asked him if he wanted to exchange numbers and consider the possibility of something romantic happening between us. He thought I was being too eager. It always works better when I don't contact them first.

 

4. No. I went on dates of men your height. Only shallow girls care about this.

 

The real reasons I rejected men were because: 1.) they admitted to me that they had just gotten out of jail, 2.) they had no job and said there goal in life was never to work ever and they had acquired a lot of debt (I did go on a date with a guy who was unemployed, but I could tell for him it was a temporary thing), and 3.) one guy made it obvious that he was probably a murderer through a series of events that included him confessing his love for me, while at the same time being unable to remember my name or any personal information about me.

 

5. I agree with Jazzari.

 

6. No, you should express these things. All they will do is chase off women who are incompatible with you and those women it would never work out with anyway.

 

7. I'm a bisexual women and I will admit, it seemed a million times harder to get women to talk to me on online dating sites than men. I got zero dates with women and several with men. It was very frustrating.

[thatone]

Well that sounds awfully depressing. I think what I was getting at was that there are a lot of activities closer to the city (book clubs and the like) that don't exist where I live (well, they do exist but most of the people tend to be a bit older and married often with children). Maybe I'll just have to hope I get lucky.

 

well, the flip side of that is online dating in the city is not all that bad.

 

i don't have trouble finding a date for any given weekend living in the city i live in using the most common dating sites. in the city on the dating sites you have a lot of busy professionals who don't have time for a social scene, but are otherwise pretty normal people.

[radiodarcy]

1.) this is true. although i understand it's not easy to stand out without being creepy. personally it helps if the guy contacting me points out a common interest. that alone is enough to impress me as i get the impression that some of the men who contact me don't even bother to read my profile.

 

2.) yes

 

3.) i'm afraid so, yes

 

4.) nope. my ex was 5'8" never bothered me. besides - - being 5' myself hardly gives me a reason to complain about someone being too short

 

5.) fair enough

 

6.) in my case no. this is what i look for in compatibility as these things are very important to me as well.

 

7.) i agree. which is why i have pretty much given up on online dating myself!

[Mme. Chaucer]

I dated quite a bit through online sites, and ended up in an LTR with a man I met on Match.

 

As a guy, I have certain criticisms and I just think it's frustrating and counterproductive for most men to pursue women via online dating.

 

Believe me, there were frustrations and lots of negatives for me, too.

 

 

 

 

1. As a man, I feel pressure to "stand out" or "catch your eye" through some means of walking a fine line between being uniquely funny and oddly creepy.

 

I don't think that's really gender specific. Everybody just needs to try to express somehow who they really are. If some girls think you're "creepy," then I guess you're better off not meeting them anyway.

 

2. Many of the emails I write, I realize that there's less than a 50% chance you actually read it. You will look at my profile pictures and then determine if you will read my email. Is this accurrate?

 

No, I would read emails I received. I would, however, look at pictures before reading profiles. It's NOT all about how good looking a man is, and I'm sure I am not the only woman who has this opinion. How a guy chooses to represent himself in the pictures he posts means a LOT. A guy with no shirt on standing by his hot rod, or standing with his arm around a female whose head has been blacked out of the photo say to me: "Not your type, Madame C." Also, I am big on the expression on a person's face. The way a guy smiles can really get to me.

 

3. I'm expected to contact you (rarely do women sent out emails, at least to me) in a process of using a numbers game to justify a low response rate.

 

Yes, true in my case, except I would send "winks" or whatever first to give that guy the idea that I am receptive. I did that with the man I'm with now.

 

4. My height (5'8") will rule me out for most women, even those who are shorter than I am.

 

Some, maybe "most" but maybe not. My boyfriend, as I have said here ad nauseum, is 5'8". And, I have ALWAYS been with tall guys. I liked THIS guy, anyway. It can happen for you too.

 

5. Given limited amount of personal information shared on profiles in some cases, I find it rather difficult to try and spark a conversation through an email that is unique, interesting/humorous, and proves I actually took to read your profile.

 

Don't try too hard with this - just a little inference that you actually read the profile is good.

 

6. Expressing too much of myself including experiences, political viewpoints, lack of religious faith are all things that would serve to hurt my chances more than they would serve to help them. This is unfortunate mostly due to the fact these things are strong factors in making up who I really am.

 

And, these things are going to be what you share as you get to know someone. Laying it all out there in email doesn't leave you much to work with . If something like your political views are a make or break issue for deciding whom you'll date, including that briefly would be appropriate.

 

7. The return on investment of taking the time to read a profile, determine that I believe we might be a good fit, thinking about how to write a creative and sincere email.......only to garner no response. Reasons why being irrelevant, but it's hard to justify the time to read over profiles that are rather generic and non-exciting in many cases when the odds of getting written back are extremely low.

 

Well, that's dating for you, online or off.

 

I'm newly single (4 weeks) and I've entertained the idea of dating again in my thoughts, but I can't think of a good, solid reason that can justify the effort and time required to participate with such a low value of expected return.

 

When you've been single long enough, the trials and tribulations of dating will seem more worthwhile. Four weeks is pretty freshly single.

[thatone]

i don't see the point about religious/political views being a detriment to online dating, if anything it's a huge positive.

 

you can eliminate those right off the bat without having ever said a word to them.

 

that's another reason i like online dating. i'm in a fairly religious state, but i'm not. there's nothing more frustrating than meeting someone in person and having that first casual conversation go well, then the first thing said on the first date is about "her personal relationship with jesus".

 

and i'm thinking "well sh*t, lemme get the check and get out of here and leave you two together then, sounds like you and jesus are getting along great without me".