miss_mary Posted April 13, 2004 Share Posted April 13, 2004 I've lurked around here a bit, and people seem pretty nice & inclined to be helpful - so here's my drama. (BTW, I'm a woman I didn't realize that I hadn't mentioned that until I got to the end, lol) When I got together w/ my girlfriend, she was still living with her ex, though the sex had died 2 years before and they were waiting on the finish of a lease to go their separate ways. This was all pretty ok to me, especially as we didn't start out with a u-haul or anything. Cut to several months later, my GF has moved to my neighborhood, and has been here for a couple weeks. Here's the drama - somehow I thought that when she had moved, the ex would be out of the *domestic* arrangements. Which she kind of is (I think she actually wants it that way) but my GF's cat has been having problems settling into the new place, GF doesn't have car or much money, yadda yadda, GF seems to be doing some kind of joint cat custody thing - asking ex to take cat to the vet, getting ex to pay for it (or maybe just pay half - I'm not sure) - anyhow this is bugging me! She needs to take care of her own bidness, IMO. If she can't hack getting hold of a car and spending the money to keep the cat, she shouldn't have it - it makes me lose respect for her that she goes crying to her ex when this stuff comes up. (and she *does* have access to cars & *can* get the money.) I mean, I expected that staying friends with the ex meant dinners or drinks or whatever - *socializing* - know what I mean? I didn't think that I'd be helping her fix up her new place one weekend, and her ex would be storing stuff there and ferrying the cat around the next week. We've gone around about the ex a little in the past, but it isn't really (or only )the *ex* per se that's the problem - I see it more as me being threatened by the continuing emotional stuff going on between them - it may be stupid, but I worry does my GF like me as well as her? Is she ever going to move on? I know 2 weeks doesn't seem long, but she & the ex have both been dating others for several months - and that's on top of not being together as lovers for the 2 previous years. This has gotten soooo long - I guess I needed to vent! So what I'm asking is - should I bring this up with the GF? Is it my place at all, or does it not concern me so I should just shut up about it? I mean, I knew who she is and what her situation was from the beginning.... thanks for any insight you can give ... Link to post Share on other sites
tattoomytoe Posted April 13, 2004 Share Posted April 13, 2004 well she does seem to be good friends still, but i definately agree they are still way to involved. i do not know your gf or the ex- but it sounds like one of the two cannot let go and maybe the other is oblibious of the fact that she is being used as a good friend-substitute for a girlfriend. does that make sense? Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted April 13, 2004 Share Posted April 13, 2004 She is obviously emotionally attached to him as far as him meeting her 'security' needs. Either she needs to break the cycle and become independent or she will end up back with him. Two weeks isn't very long....it can take awhile for her to wean herself from him always helping her. In the meantime though....I wouldn't feel comfortable in the relationship. I would consider talking to her about this and giving her some time to work out her 'problems' and letting you know once she is free from this guy. Link to post Share on other sites
Fritz Posted April 13, 2004 Share Posted April 13, 2004 I agree with Arabess. Give her some time to break free from her ex gf (it is ex-gf right? confused on that point there) and have her call you if you feel that strongly about it. It definately sounds like theres still some feeling/dependence there that really shouldn't if they've only "been roomates" for months now. Link to post Share on other sites
Girlie Posted April 13, 2004 Share Posted April 13, 2004 I myself do not like getting involved with someone who still has the ex hanging around so I understand how this must be feeling for you. If you want to stay with this girl, my advise would be to make sure she knows how you feel about the situation. Open communication is very important, obviously. It sounds like you are open to the idea of them remaining friends, but would like a bit more distance. And that will likely happen with time if they continue to be involved with other people. If you can't handle waiting, take a step back. If you can and want to, you may have to just be patient, and like I said, keep talking it out with her. Good luck and feel free to vent anytime. =) Link to post Share on other sites
miss_mary Posted April 14, 2004 Share Posted April 14, 2004 Thanks for your responses We have a date tonight, so I'll be talking to her about how I'm feeling...keep your fingers crossed for me! Link to post Share on other sites
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