Thanks to the Board

[guy777]

I have a few new things going that are getting me out of a rut. A infrequent FWB relationship with ex is under control, or barely under control which makes it interesting. I also have a new thing that could get serious but I'm not sure. And another flame is hinting at FWBs. Then, I almost asked another damsel in distress out yesterday, she shook my hand two separate times thanking me and saying my name.

 

All of these things make my ex more interested, but I know her game and how she can't be with someone who is too focused on her (or me at least). The sex is better with the new thing that could get serious anyway. There is the bad side that I want to be with the ex, but our sex isn't that great, so I think she's trying to keep me on the line for when she gets out of her sexual prime, or something. Or in case I get the money machine really cranking. But I'm not going to let her in again after she didn't commit.

 

It's going to be hard for me to trust anyone after having women I wanted to be exclusive with start dating and sleeping with other people, but I can at least have fun.

 

Bottom line is that reading this board somehow gets me pumped to get out there and go for it. I hope it does the same for other frustrated guys out there. The thing I lack when I get down about this stuff, and obsessing on one woman, is the drive to get myself out there. Now I'm in my late thirties wishing I got this 10 years ago.

 

I'm going to have to let the one know that I don't want to be serious for awhile. I'm hanging with her all the time and doing GF/BF type stuff. I think she's going to be pretty disappointed. She seems pretty much in love with me already. I realize I'm being F'd up in the regard that I've been sending signals like I want something serious. I just don't trust anybody anymore. She's older and F'd 100+ guys from what I gather. I won't get into little stories that have slipped out. She's just testing me to see if I can handle the truth. Yes I can. Now she does seem ready get exclusive. But I'm thinking she would probably just lose interest if I wanted to, then go out looking for more fun.

Edited May 24, 2011 by guy777

[fishtaco]

Good for you.

 

I wish I had understood dating earlier too. I didn't get the hang of it until mid 30's. I started my transformation in my late 20's. It's still happening today, but it didn't reach an effective level until mid 30's. It took me a long time because I didn't have guidance. So my transformation wasn't focused and specific. Valuable time wasted. Oh well. Better late than never.

 

Anyway, I'm in a rut myself too. But that's just what happens from time to time. I don't have much going on. One phone number and a verbally promised date from someone that's not a very good choice, and I'm not excited about her enough to push for the date. So it's just kind of in limbo right now. Outside of that, nothing. Maybe I'll contact her this week and do some flirting.

 

Once in awhile there would be some threads on this board that would get me pumped to go out and do my thing. But it doesn't happen very often. It's tiring to maintain that elevated energy level required to do this. So if you can get it from this board, excellent.

 

What types of threads get you going? There are a lot of threads about gender wars and such, and arguing about immorality or whatever. Those don't motivate me at all. I'm thinking maybe the type of threads that get me pumped up are story threads. Maybe like this thread, where you talk about your current dating status, your successes and failures, and what you plan on doing.

 

Maybe we need more of that. Like a "my week in dating" kind of threads.

[guy777]

You know, strangely enough for me, it's the threads with the guys complaining about not being able to get a date that gets me going. Go figure?? I like reading those and giving them some pointers where I think they are going wrong. Those pointers are based on things I've read that I thought made sense, mixed along with personal experiences. Then I like going out and trying to practice what I preach.

[sanskrit]

Good to hear. I don't really get motivated to "get out there" as am older, and have an established on an off dating/alone habit, as I really enjoy the things I do in life while free and alone as much as I enjoy women and relationships.

 

Every time I post some very basic type of advice that I wish someone had told me in my teens it makes me feel good that maybe someone won't have to go through this or that bad experience (of course much has to be learned firsthand), plus it reinforces good habits in ourselves due to writing them down.

[thatone]

i agree for the same reasons, this place is pretty addictive. i can sympathize with all of the 20-somethings since i was in their shoes not too many years ago. and it's motivation to keep my head in the game myself.

 

Maybe we need more of that. Like a "my week in dating" kind of threads.

 

why not this one?

 

my last couple weeks had two that seemed doomed for failure, but turned out well despite the red flags. not that either one is going any further, but i was pleasantly surprised at how we parted ways with each situation.

 

one a highly achieved and very attractive woman who i saw on match, messaged based on a glance at profile/pictures alone, and didn't notice until afterward that she had just divorced (as in, within a couple months) and had a child. the worst thing was i didn't notice those things until she wrote me an even better reply than the message i sent her, so i couldn't help but be intrigued enough for that first date but in the back of my mind really knew i was probably wasting our time. thankfully she met and hit it off with another recently divorced man who has a son living with him while we were trying to sort out our conflicting schedules for this week. we both joked about it in parting text messages, so that was actually a pleasant mutual rejection, rather than those always-awkward in person or ignore-until-they-go-away rejections.

 

the second was someone who completely didn't fit with the impression i got from her education/background/etc. i really wanted to cut it short and send her on her way quickly but she was too intelligent in conversation to do it, and it was nice to get that for a change. so i just subconsciously played the as*hole and didn't open her door, didn't walk her to her car after dinner, didn't make a lot of eye contact, gave all the 'wrong' signals. but she persisted, so i figured the worst was coming, she was interested in me and i was gonna have to reject her and deal with the tears, at least over the phone. against all better judgment she asked about coming over to my place a few days later and i agreed. at that point i started off the night with brutal honesty about what i thought of her, as politely as i could, and she actually took it really well. we wound up staying and talking for a few hours, watching a movie, and agreed to just keep in touch via texts and a lunch or something every now and then. she basically agreed with me on keeping good conversation going and nothing else, before i suggested it. we were joking when she last texted me about how we should be stupider people, that way we wouldn't run out of things to say so fast when pushing each other away. i think i was more upset than she was for having to tell her all that i did, so that was also a pleasant surprise.

 

i guess the lesson is even if you don't find second dates, first ones that end honestly can turn out ok too, despite how rare that is .

Edited May 24, 2011 by thatone

[guy777]

Good stuff Neal. Always nice when parting ways is amiable. I think the reason some ladies don't go on more online dates is because they are more forced to carry the load when it comes to rejection. And look how they wrangled us into facing the rejection of asking them out! The way this works they have to do a lot of rejecting, but I don't think most of them necessarily like it. As much as some on the board like to paint them has heartless B1tches, many of them don't like doing the rejecting either. That's why when it comes to it, many just start ignoring and hoping it fades away rather than talking about it. And that's why they've come up with all this soft lading woman talk B.S.

 

I'm in something write now that is really hot. However, there a bunch of things that makes it not exactly what I'm looking for. But I don't really want to end it now. And yet I feel the longer it goes the more it's going to hurt. Still, I don't want to end it because of those fears, so it's going to go on awhile longer at least.

[guy777]

Yes Sanskirt, your advice often matches up with my experience and serves as good reminders. Sometimes you're too cynical, but it's hard to expect much out of people these days without being disappointed. And when we get disappointed that things don't work out the way we hope, or people lie, or are selfish, it doesn't help with being positive.

[thatone]

Good stuff Neal. Always nice when parting ways is amiable. I think the reason some ladies don't go on more online dates is because they are more forced to carry the load when it comes to rejection. And look how they wrangled us into facing the rejection of asking them out! The way this works they have to do a lot of rejecting, but I don't think most of them necessarily like it. As much as some on the board like to paint them has heartless B1tches, many of them don't like doing the rejecting either. That's why when it comes to it, many just start ignoring and hoping it fades away rather than talking about it. And that's why they've come up with all this soft lading woman talk B.S.

 

yeah, i agree. i think that's the biggest thing i see the 20 somethings struggle with, they don't know how to handle rejection. when you can see it coming from the signals and just get her to say it so you can go your separate ways, it's not as big a deal as they make it out to be.

 

 

I'm in something write now that is really hot. However, there a bunch of things that makes it not exactly what I'm looking for. But I don't really want to end it now. And yet I feel the longer it goes the more it's going to hurt. Still, I don't want to end it because of those fears, so it's going to go on awhile longer at least.

 

 

well, that's where the 20 somethings have got us beat, isn't it? they don't know any better. they can go on with something for months that's doomed to fail with their blinders on, and at least have the good time while it lasts. when it does blow up and end it's not really anyone's fault.

Edited May 25, 2011 by thatone