crazyinlove76 Posted May 24, 2011 Posted May 24, 2011 My break up story. After breaking up with a long term girlfriend over 2 years ago I decided I had to protect myself quite heavily from never getting hurt again, so built up quite powerful emotional barriers to not let anyone in. I moved countries and got on with life. I started working at a bar after being asked to come on board and met a girl and we immediately clicked. I mean it wasn’t a spark, it was a lightning bolt! We started going out and having fun and she quickly (after 3 weeks) told me she loved me. I didn’t want to say it back because of the emotional defences I’d built up and waited until I was sure this was actually going somewhere. After a couple of months I finally caved and told her I was so in love with her. We were having so much fun and all her and my friends and family said we made the perfect couple. She had a very protected up bringing, and since we started going out she really started coming out of her shell, to everyone’s delight. After about 5 months we planned to travel back to the UK together to visit friends and family. Everything was set and everything was perfect. The flight home we were having a lot of laughs and she was cuddled up to me most of the flight. When we arrived at the airport she said she wanted to use the toilet so I went for a cigarette with my dad out the front and told her where we’d be. After 10 minutes there was still no sign of her and panic started to set in. We were frantically calling her to see where she was, put out a call over the speaker system, searched all over the airport looking for her and after about 20 minutes I knew I had to call the police. To cut a long story short, after 3 hours of panicking and searching one of the policeman involved said to me “we’ve found her, she’s with another guy, and it was planned”. You can only imagine the pain and hurt and anger. It turns out the guy had been talking to her for 5 years on the internet, since she was 16. Promising God knows what. Her mum and dad flew over and got her away and after a couple of weeks flew back to where we live. For those 2 weeks I didn’t know if I was coming or going, what to think and slipped deeply into depression. When they arrived back her mum and dad said she wanted to see me so I agreed. I wanted to know what was going through her mind and how she could do this. She told me it was a moment of madness and was only planned the night before we left. I agreed to give her a second chance and we’d take it slow, but very quickly she was texting me telling me how much she loved me and calling me ‘hubbie’, and saying she could imagine me being a dad to our future kids. I got sucked straight back in again and completely opened myself up to her again. After another 2 months of this, she texted me to say she didn’t think she could be in a relationship right now and needed to sort her head out and just wanted to be friends. My world came crashing down a second time and I begged and pleaded, if she needed some space and time she could have it but please don’t just leave. She was adamant. We work together and her mum and dad own the bar so it’s so difficult to not see her. She’s laughing and joking and flirting all the time and it’s killing me. After a few days I couldn’t stand it anymore, all her friends and family were saying she just needs time to snap out of it, and I told her mum I had to leave because it was so difficult and went ‘no contact’ for 2 weeks. I then went back to work and saw her again but it was very awkward so I sent her the ‘take a break’ NC message (agreeing to take a break as it's the best thing right now, big decisions, i'll contact when i'm ready etc etc), to which she replied ‘I didn’t get most of the text silly lol’ which I didn’t reply to. I’ve seen her a few times now and she’s still the same, flirting and laughing with friends which is breaking my heart even more. I’m being cool and collected on the outside because I want to show her I’m dealing with my jealous and paranoid streak, but it’s getting harder every day. I re-sent the same NC message last night to which she replied ‘it’s a bit late for that since we have to work together on Tuesday’. I replied ‘that’s a resend from last week as you said you didn’t get it’. She replied ‘I didn’t but why send it now, bit random’, and I replied ‘was just going through my phone’. I don’t want to leave work and me and her dad are going into business together within the next couple of months, but I’m not sure how much of this I can take. I know I’ve screwed up and protected too hard when she got back from the UK, but I’m madly in love with this girl and know we can be great together if we sort out our own personal issues. It just seems so much of a waste to let go.
usabup Posted May 24, 2011 Posted May 24, 2011 I don't mean to sound harsh, but you are only feeling this way because you are hurting right now. If you read what you just wrote back to yourself in two months time, you would think you were crazy! I mean, this girl didn't just ditch you, she ditched you at the airport for another guy! Not only that, but it had been pre planned!! Seriously, there is nothing here for you to save. Really, I truely mean that, nothing at all. She is quite obviously using you. I don't mean to sound horrible, but in these situations it is best to just point out the truth. You need to get as far away from the girl as possible. She literally sounds crazy!
Downtown Posted May 24, 2011 Posted May 24, 2011 Crazy, I agree with Usabup that this girl sounds seriously ill. An emotionally healthy woman does not announce her love and devotion after 3 weeks of dating and then abandon you so cruelly without any notice at the airport. A normal person is simply incapable of doing that. It sounds like she suffers from strong traits of Antisocial/Sociopathic PD (personality disorder), traits of BPD, and traits of Histrionic PD. In any event, I second Usabup's advice on staying far away from her. Like a pretty dress, you are just an object to her and she will toss you out when she outgrows you or otherwise has no use for you. You have been badly used and seem to be oblivious to it.
Author crazyinlove76 Posted May 24, 2011 Author Posted May 24, 2011 Many thanks to both of you. It's what I was secretly thinking and didn't want to face. And actually since writing my break up story a light bulb has gone off in my head. She’s taking me for a mug. She’s flirting to try and get a reaction out of me to re-confirm her decision to break up. Although I know in my heart there’s nothing going on with this other guy, my head’s doing cartwheels and I can’t help but think what if they do strike something up. She left me at the airport with no regard for my feelings, then led me on since, then dumped me again. I now feel anger toward her and totally hard hearted. If she had any feelings for me she would have treated me better. I deserve better than this, I’m a nice guy with lots to give a relationship. Can’t help but feel like she’s rubbing it in my face though. Other people also said she's socially unreliable and distant in waves. Thanks
Author crazyinlove76 Posted May 26, 2011 Author Posted May 26, 2011 Since writing this I've been reading up on BPD and Histrionic PD etc and the symptoms do seem to be in line. Just finding this really hard to deal with so apart from "run as fast as you can" advice I'd appreciate any tips or pointers to moving forward. Because her dad and me are working on opening a business it's really hard to get distance Thanks
Downtown Posted May 26, 2011 Posted May 26, 2011 Crazy, in your first post above, there are several red flags for BPD traits: indications of emotional instability, lack of emotional commitment, and the "lightening bolt" beginning of the relationship. BPDers (those having strong BPD traits) have such a weak ego and self image that they are very attracted to a person with a strong personality who will center and ground them. This is why, when a BPDer becomes infatuated with you, she will emulate all of the best features of your personality -- even to the extent of adopting your likes and dislikes. That process is called "mirroring." The result is that both of you would have been convinced you had met your "soul mate." This emulation of your personality, together with the BPDer's lack of impulse control, typically creates an intensely passionate beginning -- for which "lightening bolt" is an apt description. This honeymoon period of mirroring typically will persist up to 4 or 6 months and will vanish as soon as the infatuation fades, at which time the BPDer's twin fears (engulfment and abandonment) will return. At that point, the vast majority of BPDers will start throwing temper tantrums periodically because the anger they've carried inside from childhood is easily triggered by innocuous comments you make. That is, they will direct their anger outward to you. Yet, because you do not mention your exGF being verbally abusive, I note that perhaps 15 to 20% of BPDers will withdraw and punish you with silence or passive aggressive behavior. Information about these BPDers -- called "quiet borderlines" and "waif borderlines" -- is hard to find online because the ones throwing tantrums are so much easier to spot. If you would like to read two professional articles about these "waifs," I would be glad to provide links for both. Meanwhile, if you would like to read about them here on this forum, I suggest you read my description of a quiet BPDer in Katt's thread. My 3 posts in that thread start at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=3361912#post3361912. If that description sounds familiar and rings a bell, I would be glad to try to answer any questions you might have about it.
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